Bejewell on September 22nd, 2014

I’ve eaten too much
Not a single bite more
can pass between these lips

(Unless, of course,
our server comes by
and refills the tortilla chips.)

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Bejewell on August 28th, 2014

If you’re currently growing out your facial hair and considering the Full Beard + No Mustache option — but you’re unsure if this is the right look for you — please ask yourself the following questions:

1.  Are you Amish?

2. Are you Abraham Lincoln?

3. Are you a leprechaun?

4. Are you Uncle Sam?

5. Are you a Klingon?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of the above questions, this look is totally appropriate for you.

If you answered “no” to all of the above, but have already grown your facial hair out to this unfortunate style — Heads up, dude. You look like a garden gnome.

*********

Bonus Round:

In which of the following situations is a “chin strap” appropriate?

Next Edition: Mutton chops.

Until then…

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AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers used to waiting in long lines at a local Target store’s three open checkout lanes were baffled this Saturday when a fourth register was opened. “We all just stood there, staring at each other,” said Nina Martin, a mom of three who was fifth in line at Lane 26 in the Parmer/I-35 North location when the light for Lane 27 suddenly flashed on. “There were at least three people behind me and we all wanted to rush over there, but none of us did because we just couldn’t believe it.”

Store manager Nicholas Strong made the unprecedented decision to open a fourth register when the three lanes already in use became overrun by long lines of shoppers. “Of course we see a lot of back-up on a daily basis – with only three registers open every day, that’s a given. But today, it felt more congested,” Strong explained. “The lines were so long that carts were blocking other shoppers from getting through, and when two separate customers pulled out their old-timey checkbooks to pay, I knew I had to do something.”

The decision to open an additional register wasn’t implemented right away; it took Strong and his subordinates some time to select one lane from the 42 available. “It was hard to narrow it down,” says one staff member. “We all debated for a while before we finally agreed on the best lane to open.” Ultimately, they settled on Lane 27 because of its convenient place in sequence after Lanes 24, 25, and 26, which were already open per the store’s usual procedure. “Lane 27 just made the most sense, you know?” says Strong. “I mean, why make people walk all the way down to Lane 1 or Lane 45 when there’s a perfectly good register right next to them?”

Once the extra register’s light came on, it took stunned shoppers several minutes to understand that the lane was actually open, and the light’s activation hadn’t been some kind of electronic glitch. “It was mass confusion at first,” said another customer, who wished to remain anonymous. “Some people thought it was a mistake, but I just thought it was some kind of practical joke. I was all, ‘FOUR lanes open at Target? Come on! Where are the reality show cameras?’”

Even some staff members were slightly bewildered by the new situation. Lana Boucher, an employee in the store’s meat department, said, “There was a buzz around the place, for sure. I didn’t even think those other registers worked if it wasn’t Christmastime.”

Despite their initial mistrust, shoppers did eventually grasp the concept of an additional available register; and a new line gradually formed with relatively minimal disruption to business. “There was a little shoving at first, sure, but overall the results were really good,” Strong reports. “Once they understood that the lane was really open and we weren’t messing with their heads, almost all of our customers responded in a very positive way. I’m glad we took a chance and tried it.”

Still, Strong knows he might face some consequences for his decision. “I don’t know what will happen once corporate gets wind of this,” he admits. “New and progressive ideas are always a little scary to some of the higher-ups.”

Calls to Target corporate headquarters requesting a statement were not returned.

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Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world.


He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day.

And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails.

For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming habits, complaining (mostly in jest) that the nails were too long and too strong, the jagged bits dangerously sharp (but probably convenient when climbing). I’ve called him names like Fred Flintstone and Tarzan. I’ve asked him to fetch me a bunch of bananas from the tallest tree in the forest. I’ve even laughingly speculated that his gnarled talons could be used as weapons, suggesting he try his luck in a cockfight.

It was all in fun. It was all just jokes.

But I’m not joking anymore, y’all.

I’m scared.

Last night I was sound asleep, lost in happy dreams when the man I love moved beside me, shifting for a more comfortable position. As he adjusted, one hirsute, briery foot grazed the back of my leg. I woke to the pain of a craggy, serrated shiv attempting to slice – yes, slice – across my Achilles’ tendon. I cried out in shocked terror.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” he squawked, immediately realizing the enormity of the situation. He knew, with that one quick movement, the dangers we’d both just faced: mine, Death by Toenail; his, a lifetime of tragic guilt.

If he’d been just a *few* inches closer, pushed just a *little* bit harder, those hairy, malformed claws could have pierced *right* through my skin. An artery could have been punctured. I could have bled out before he reached 911. In my shaken mind, the story plays out…

The paramedics arrive to find a grisly scene: my legs, cold and paled by death, jut out from beneath the covers, drenched in blood; the Big Bean, head in hands at the edge of the bed, stares blankly at his wooly, leathered feet as he rocks himself and mindlessly mutters, “should’ve clipped ‘em, should’ve worn socks,” over and over and over.

There but for the grace of god go I.

***

A couple of weeks ago, our seven-year-old son had his first pedicure. It wasn’t a planned event – I was there to have my own toes done and he was with me, so it seemed like a good idea to let him join in. After all, while wonderful in all the other ways, he did inherit his dad’s ridiculous Captain Caveman feet – and as long as he’s still a snuggler, why take chances? He enjoyed it, too, flirting with the pedicurist and giggling when she reached the ticklish parts… and in the end he walked away with neat feet, softer than they’d been since his newborn baby days.

As far as I was concerned, this was a win-win. The Big Bean scoffed when I told him, but we both knew he didn’t have a gnarly, hairy foot to stand on.

The Big Bean isn’t scoffing anymore. In fact, he’ll soon be receiving a pedicure of his very own, alongside me and his son. Sometime this afternoon, he will find himself ass-planted in an oversized massage chair, voice trembling wildly as his back receives the rough knead-and-pound treatment. A slight woman speaking in a foreign tongue will do her best to tame the hideous beasts a-soak before her. It will not be her best day.

No, it won’t be easy for any of us – but we will all survive.

The pedicurist will walk away with sore arms, a healthy tip and a feeling of great accomplishment.

My husband will emerge a better man, no longer a slave to the grotesque, monstrous deformities keeping him off balance. Able to run free, free from the thorny mess that’s always lurked below, just waiting to trip him up.

And I will finally be able to sleep in peace, no longer cowed by the fear of a painful, bloody nighttime death.

With my own soft, closely trimmed, coral-painted toes, I am finally taking a stand.

It is time.

Wish us luck.

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Bejewell on May 7th, 2014

I don’t often do giveaways. In fact, I’ve only done one giveaway on this blog that I can remember, and that was like six years ago when I still had a Blackberry. I gave a $5 gift card to the first person who correctly identified the mysterious booger-like substance I found on my desk. (Correct answer for the curious: Lotion spooge.)

So clearly I’m not an expert in the giveaway department.

But when I met this amazing jewelry designer named Ryan Sadkin, I knew I had to do one. Because Ryan Sadkin, being not only an incredibly talented designer but also just an all-around super-hot and very nice chickster, gave me a gorgeous necklace from her collection, specifically for a giveaway.

And here it is:

Isn’t it just GORGEOUS? Of course it is. Don’t you just LOVE it? Of course you do. Wouldn’t it make the perfect Mother’s Day gift? Of course it would.

The only thing I can think of that *might* make a *better* Mother’s Day gift is a copy of my book, which you should already have, and if you don’t, shame on you and here is a link.

Anyway. Because this necklace is such a rad gift, I am totally giving one to myself this Mother’s Day. And I’m also giving one to YOU, if you win this little contest of mine.

All you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post, telling me something about moms. It can be anything. Tell a funny story. Write a silly poem. Just say “I love my mom” or “I miss my mom” or “Moms are the bombs” or “Word to yo mutha” or “Know who would love that necklace? MY MOM,” a la Muscle Man.

 

Whatever. I don’t care. Just say something.

You can also earn extra entries by:

  1. Liking my book’s Facebook page and letting me know here that you did.
  2. Sharing my book’s Facebook page and letting me know here that you did.
  3. Sharing this post or the book on Twitter with the hashtag #beejisawesome.
  4. Sending me a video of you twerking.
  5. Not suing me when I post that video on every social media channel I can think of.

You have until Sunday at noon. So get moving, y’all. Good luck, and happy accessorizing!

P.S. Can’t forget the fine print:

No purchase necessary. Contest ends at 12:00 pm Sunday, May 11. Contest open to legal residents of the U.S. and Canada who are at least 18 years of age at the time of entry. Entries without contact information will be disqualified. Entries that do not follow contest specifications will be disqualified. Entries that include this link will be disqualified.

Winner will be selected by Random.org on May 11 and the winner will be notified on the same day. Winner must respond with his/her mailing address or shipping information with 48 hours of notification, or another winner will be randomly chosen. VOID WHERE PROHIBITED.

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Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL…
Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely
Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm
Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said
Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong
Cut me off in traffic Wait until I’m next to you again, then casually scratch my nose… with my middle finger
Ask me what time it is Answer with either, “MILLER TIME!” or “Time to make the donuts”
Become famous simply because you have big tits, a big ass, big hair or big money Never never never watch you on TV
Apologize with sincerity Accept, no questions asked
Break my heart Eventually get over it, but never really recover completely
Make my son cry FUCKING KILL YOU, then hate you forever (Adults)Imagine FUCKING KILLING YOU, shoot death daggers at you with my eyes, then hate you and your parents forever (Children)
Insult me Pretend it doesn’t bother me, go to the bathroom and cry, then avoid you like the plague
Ignore me Make a complete fool of myself as I try desperately to prove that I’m worthy of your attention
Are too nice to me Be suspicious
Intimidate me Talk reallyreallyfastaboutnothing and make a lot of unnecessarily loud, stupid jokes, then admonish myself for WEEKS for being such an ass
Compliment me Feel uncomfortable
Send me to voice mail Leave a very long, rambly message wherein I repeat myself at least seven times, then finally identify myself just as it cuts me o–
Make me laugh out loud Love you forever
Marry me Never leave you (at least, not for 17 years so far)
Have my back Be your loyal, true friend for the rest of my life
Hurt one of my friends Come at you like a fucking spidermonkey on crack
Play “She’s a Maniac” Dance like a maniac
Play “The Safety Dance” Do the Safety Dance
Play country music Complain
Play anything by Duran Duran Bitterly recall (again) the story of how I was unceremoniously tossed out of the Duran Duran fan club at my school in the 5th grade
Play anything by Aretha Franklin Sing along loudly, and badly
Unfriend me on Facebook Gasp, feel hurt, get mad, then block your ass forever even though you’ll never notice or care
Leave a comment on this post Like you
Give me a deadline Wait until the very last minute, then totally freak out and stay up all night to get it done, acting like a total asshole to anyone who dares to talk to me while I’m on deadline.
Drive past a cemetery with me in the car Inform you that people are just DYING to get in there, then laugh hysterically
Announce a great success Be genuinely happy for you, but inside feel sad and terribly insecure about my own future
Create something beautiful Fall in love with your talent and never forget how amazing you are
Cry Cry
Fart Laugh
Fall down Laugh, then ask if you’re okay
Ask me what I’m making for dinner Laugh, then hand you the folder with the take-out menus
Fire me from a job I hated anyway Watch the traffic report every morning from my couch, in my pajamas, then laugh and laugh and laugh because I know you’re in it, and thank the universe that I don’t have to work for such a shitbag anymore
Ask me what I’ll have to drink Feel pressured to decide then just say Mexican Martini even though I don’t really want that
Serve me three Mexican Martinis Tell slurry stories with WAY too much information, yell inappropriate things at other people in the bar, show my underwear and probably fall down
Slow dance with me Sway awkwardly. Step on your feet. Apologize profusely. Repeat.
Leave the TV on with The American President, Blind Side, Ocean’s 11 or anything with Cary Grant playing Stay and watch it all the way through the credits, even though I’ve already seen it a million times
Leave the TV on with any of the Twilight movies playing Watch the whole damned thing and hate myself EVERY SINGLE SECOND OF IT
Rush me Leave the house without anything I actually need
Tell me you need me Be there
Say anything during a home improvement project about caulk or the size of your hose THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Ask me if something is wet THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Talk about putting something in your mouth THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
Discuss getting a piece of something THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
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Bejewell on March 14th, 2014

Today is National Pi Day. Pi is a really really long number that has something to with circles. It’s important for a lot of big reasons that a lot of very smart people understand. On Pi Day they get super excited and talk about it a lot.

And that’s everything I know about Pi.

In celebration of this day that is very important for many reasons that I don’t understand and never will and don’t want to, I will now share with you an excerpt from my award-winning*, best-selling**, top-reviewed*** book Something Smells Like Pee (and Other Classy Observations) , which is currently on sale in both paperback and e-book formats on Amazon.com.

I hope you enjoy it.

Love,

* Proud winner of the Best Book Written By Anyone in My House Award, given by me

** Currently ranked #1 in sales on the list of Books Written About Things that Smell Like Pee (children’s books, animal care books, parenting advice books and household maintenance books not included), calculations performed by me

*** By me

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[Originally posted February, 2010. Re-sharing now because I'm feeling nostalgic.]

So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee“) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class.  It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

I’ve blacked out some names to protect the innocent but you get the idea.

A few notes:

  1. I learned NOTHING in 10th grade Algebra II.
  2. I crushed on the Cute Boy on and off from the 7th through 10th grades, but he never wanted to be anything more than friends. I look back on photos from that time and I’m baffled.
  3. The Arch Nemesis was alternately a Best Friend (also on and off) all the way from elementary school, through junior high, high school and beyond. Our love/hate relationship eventually turned to just hate. I have no idea what she’s up to now and refuse to friend her on Facebook to find out.
  4. I have no idea who the boy is I didn’t want to like me, have no idea what “Gertrud’s” was, and don’t remember anything about that Thanksgiving.
  5. My Algebra II teacher was a very short, very quiet Hispanic man who always wore his belt buckle to the side, not in the middle. There was a rumor floating through school that this signified his dedication to Witchcraft and the Dark Arts.  Having snuck into the theater that summer to see The Witches of Eastwick, and having tried several spells from The Modern Witch’s Spellbook (none successful, but probably because I substituted many ingredients and had no idea what “parchment” was), I considered myself an expert on this matter and believed the rumor completely.
  6. I still have my copy of The Modern Witch’s Spellbook and I know what parchment is now, so don’t fuck with me.
  7. The scariest part of this note is the fact that some idiot gave a 10th grader a Visa card. I don’t remember this particular credit card but I am absolutely certain of three things:
    (a)  My mother had no idea I had it
    (b)  I used it to purchase things like L.A. Looks styling gel, Jellies, posters of Sting and the Cure (likely found at Spencer’s in the mall), lip gloss and random cassette tapes for my Walkman until Visa cut me off and I never paid the balance
    (c)  My mother will leave a comment here about this being the beginning of my long career of fiscal irresponsibility, or something to that effect
  8. The “Love You Always” special L-turns-into-A effect was painstakingly conceived and devised because I believed I needed my own “signature” to stand out from all the other note-writers.  For about a semester, every note I wrote was signed this way.
  9. When I showed this to the BFF, her response was this: “It’s odd how you have changed very little. When I saw the seating chart, I thought it was a building you wanted to throw that chick off of.” I’m really not sure what this says about me.
  10. Oh yeah. It says that I’M AWESOME. And have been since at least the tenth grade.

P.S. If you use Internet Explorer, my blog has decided that you’re an asshole. Not ME, my blog. So you can’t leave a comment. Should be fixed this weekend but until then you can either (1) use an Internet browser that DOESN”T suck gross, hairy balls or (B) close your eyes and wish really really really hard to leave a comment. (Helps if you rub something.) Thanks for playing.

P.P.S. Okay, my web guy fixed the Internet Explorer issue and it turns out that I did something to fuck up that post so it wasn’t my BLOG that decided you were an asshole, it was ME. On accident. Sorry. You’re not an asshole. You’re awesome. You can like my blog again, and leave a comment, and you don’t even have to rub anything.

P.P.P.S. Unless you want to. Rub something, I mean.

P.P.P.P.S. I would do both, if I were you.

P.P.P.P.P.S. What I’m trying to say is, according to me and my blog, you are no longer an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Okay, you MIGHT be an asshole. I don’t know. I don’t know you. You could be the biggest asshole on the planet, for all I know.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. I’m pretty sure my web guy thinks I’M an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Having all of these P.S.es probably makes me even MORE of an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. It should be noted that if you’re my mom, you’re definitely NOT an asshole.

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Hey, Mom, can I borrow some money?

I’ve Been Awesome Since At Least the Tenth Grade and Here’s the Proof

So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee”) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class. It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time.

I’ve blacked out some names to protect the innocent but you get the idea.

Page 1

Page 2

Transcript:

[Queen Bee] –

Hey… Guess what class I’m in? Algebra II… “you-know-who” is in here. I showed him my new Visa card and he put his arm around me and said, so, [Beej], when are we going out?” He was just kidding, but I almost died! God, he was standing so close!! I will never wash my shoulder again. Argh – I like him so much!!!!

For lunch today let’s go to Gertrud’s – just the two of us, okay? If anybody else asks to go with, just say NO.

God, I hate [Arch Nemesis]. I wish her legs would fall off. She’s always in the way. For instance, she sits behind [Cute Boy] in this class ansd she’s always leaning forward to get close to him. BITCH!! [arrow pointing to convenient diagram of class seating]

And she’s always turned sideways in her desk so I can’t ever stare at him for very long because her beady little eyes are always looking at me. I HATE HER!

{Page 2}

Well, I haven’t seen [Queen Bee’s Crush] today yet – usually I’ve seen him by now. That’s odd. What did you say his date’s name was? [Unknown date’s name]? That is so funny that [Unknown boy I clearly do not have the hots for]’s going out with an ugly chick. I just don’t want him to like me!! Because I could never like him – I’m too hooked on you-know-who!!!

Hey, don’t forget to ask your mom about Thanksgiving à We’ll leave on Thursday morning and probably come back Saturday or Sunday night. Okey-dokey?

Well, I gotta go –

Write me back!

Love you

Always,

{“L” makes “A” in dramatic flourish}

YOUR BEST BUDDY!

[Beej]

{Side note} I [heart] YOU!

{Side note} I LOVE YOU KNOW WHO

{Side note} YOU LOVE WHAT’S-HIS-NAME….

{Side note, surrounded by arrows}

Oh

my

GOD!

he just

caught

me

staring

at him

I am

SO

E

M

B

A

R

R

A

S

S

E

D

!!!

*****

A few things should be noted here:

  1. I have absolutely no memory of most of this.
  2. I crushed on the Cute Boy on and off from the 7th through 10th grades, and the Arch Nemesis was alternately a Best Friend (also on and off) all the way through school and beyond.
  3. I have no idea who the boy is I didn’t want to like me and I don’t remember anything about that Thanksgiving.
  4. My Algebra II teacher was a very short, very quiet Hispanic man who always wore his belt buckle to the side, not in the middle. There was a rumor floating through school that this signified his dedication to Witchcraft and the Dark Arts. Having snuck into the theater that summer to see The Witches of Eastwick, and having tried several spells from The Modern Witch’s Spellbook (none successful, but probably because I substituted many ingredients and had no idea what “parchment” was), I considered myself an expert on this matter and believed the rumor completely.
  5. The scariest part of this note is the fact that some idiot gave a 10th grader a Visa card. I don’t remember this particular credit card but I am absolutely certain of two things:
    1. My mother had no idea I had it
    2. I used it to purchase things like L.A. Looks styling gel, Jellies, posters of Wham! and Adam Ant (likely found at Spencer’s in the mall), Bonnie Bell lip gloss and random cassette tapes until Visa cut me off and I never paid the balance
  6. When I showed this to the BFF, her response was this: “It’s odd how you have changed very little. When I saw the seating chart, I thought it was a building you wanted to throw that chick off of.” I’m really not sure what this says about me.
  7. Oh yeah. It says that I’M AWESOME. And have been since at least the 10th grade.

Beej

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Bejewell on February 23rd, 2014

There’s this little book I wrote called Something Smells Like Pee
It’s filled with witty poems and a sketch or two or three

Now it’s published and for sale and what I’d like to see
Are great reviews and many, many checks of royalty

I’m out here hawking it to all my friends and family
But so far all my sales reports show they’re ignoring me

I’ve decided screw ‘em all, I’m going public now
I like strangers more than those old fuckers, anyhow

So if you’re feeling daring and you think you’d like to try it,
Use this link to get to it — just takes one click to buy it

Once you read it, I would love to hear just what you think
(Unless you hated it, in which case your opinion stinks.)

That’s my pitch, I know it leaves a bit to be desired
But after all this work, I’ll tell ya, I am fucking TIRED.

Rest assured, I’ll be tracking all the sales and crap
At least, I will when I arise from my twelve-year nap…

So I’ll now say thank you, and bid you all good night
Would one of you, on your way out, please switch off the light?
Sleep tight.

And happy reading, y’all.

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Bejewell on February 19th, 2014

So, I did this thing where I spent 27 years* writing a book and now that it’s done I fucking hate it. I mean, I don’t actually hate the book itself – That would be ridiculous! It’s an awesome book! – but I DO hate that I spent 36 years* working on it and now that it’s finally done I’m just finding out that, when it comes to a self-published book, there is actually no such thing as “done.”

My book

See? Doesn’t that look done? I think so. And after working on it for the last 43 years,* I sure as hell FEEL like it’s done.

But it’s not, y’all. It’s not done at all.

The entire 51 years* I spent working on this thing, there was a finish line in my head. I truly believed – truly believed – that once it was published I could let it go. Here’s how it was supposed to go down:

I’d publish the book on Amazon, and some random guy in Topeka or Boise would see it and think Hey! That sounds funny! I think I’ll buy it! and he would. And he would read it and love it, and he would tell all his friends, and they would buy it. And then their friends would buy it. And so on and so forth and on and on until I was the biggest name in the history of independent publishing and I would live in an enormous mansion with secret passages and trap doors in every room. And I would sip champagne and laugh as I pulled the cord and sent the Big Bean down into a tank of hungry sharks or something equally life-threatening anytime he said something I didn’t like.

And I’d finally get that chin implant I’ve been wanting.

When it got hard or tiresome, when I was up until all hours writing or spending my lunch hour drawing sketches, when I was trying to get the fucking images to fit into the fucking template for the seven fucking thousandth time, I’d repeat to myself: Just get to the finish line. Just get to the finish line. Because once I passed that last hurdle, I knew I’d finally be able to relax and concentrate on more important things, like my kid’s mad soccer skills and my next creative project and, possibly, my mental health. (Not necessarily in that order.)

Just get to that finish line.

If you’re laughing right now, it’s because you’ve done this before. You know. The joke was on me.

There is no finish line.

I published my book on a Monday, and that Tuesday I sent a couple of emails to local writers’ groups announcing its release.

Me: Look! I wrote a book! Here it is! Isn’t it great!?

Them: That IS great! Where’s the Facebook page? What’s the Twitter account? When’s your launch party? What kind of merchandising are you doing? Can we see your press kit?

Me: Um…

Them: Please tell us you at least have a web site.

Me: Well…

Them: (shocked) Really??!? This is basic stuff, Beej. You didn’t just think you were DONE now, did you?

Me: (sheepish) Well…

Them: HAHAHA HAHAHA! Hey, everybody else! Guess what Beej did?? She wrote a book and she- HAHAAA – ohmygod sorry, it’s just so funny – she thought she was—heeheehee– DONE!!!!  (wiping tears from cheeks) She doesn’t even h-h-have a — (barely spitting it out) WEB SITE!!!!! (snort) HAAAAA hee hee! Hee!

Everyone: AHHHAAAAHHAAHAHAHAAAA! DUMBASS! DUMBASS!

Me:

It turns out that the 65 years* I spent writing and drawing and navigating my book through the unnecessarily complicated template-proof-production process will all be time wasted – unless I conquer the next step. The next step is called SALES AND MARKETING, and it is horrible. It’s hard and bad and involves copious amounts of begging and schmoozing and spending lots of money and basically performing the online equivalent of a daily vaudeville performance to get attention.

Which isn’t humiliating at all.

I’m tired. I just spent 79 years* on this thing and I don’t feel like dancing. But if I choose to stick with my original plan of organic, grassroots, word-of-mouth marketing, my book will FAIL and I will be a big LOSER and have NO FRIENDS and everyone will call me BOOGER EATER and laugh and point when I walk down the street. Or at least, I think that’s how this ends.

So clearly I need to do this. Okay. I’m gonna do this. Here I go! Watch me do this!

Wait. How do I do this?

It seems like I should research this sales and promotions stuff but christ on a cracker, that shit is boring. Helpful lists and books abound  – apparently, marketing a book takes anywhere from two to 1,001 steps, most of them either total kindergarten common sense or so ridiculous and smarmy that even I wouldn’t consider them. (And I think we all know that’s saying something.)

Also, um… BORING. Did I say that already? I did? Sorry, I’m a little glazed over from all the snoozing. One helpful friend sent me an article that Guy Kawasaki wrote or shared or magically pulled out of his handsome, happy, Enchanted ass – but after about two paragraphs I was all “SO MANY WORDS MAKE THEM STOP”** and gave up to play solitaire instead.

“I made a million billion dollars while you read those two paragraphs…
so it’s all the same to me.”

I did do a Kickstarter project to try and raise funds, but my video was a disaster in which I played with my hair, discovered a double chin and referred to my vagina.

I’m sure it will shock no one that I failed to reach my goal.

Clearly this is not where my talent lies. In fact, NONE of this is where my talent lies. My talent lies in making up stupid shit that’s funny. That’s it. That’s my talent. This market-your-book stuff is all sales numbers and value ratios and press kits and networking opportunities and you people DO realize I became a creative writer specifically to avoid all this crap, right??

The good news is, plenty of consultants out there are more than happy to do it all for me. For the low, low price of one zillion dollars and 99 cents, they will work very hard! Doing pretty much nothing! And they can guarantee me at least zero sales! What am I waiting for?!

So. Looks like it’s time to dust off my dancing shoes. Get ready for some jazz hands, y’all – ‘cause Mama’s about to cut a fucking rug.

I can totally do this.

Right?

*not actual time spent; just the amount I feel I spent in my heart.
** probably exactly how you’re feeling at this point, too.

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