So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and complaining on Twitter about His Yuckiness while HE bitched about how nobody appreciated him and carried on truly mortifying private phone conversations within earshot of… well, everyone, and took naps at his desk (complete with snoring) and burped A FUCKING LOT, like to the point where I thought there might be something medically wrong, and asked me totally inappropriate questions like where do I shop for panties and stuff like that.
I call him the Creepy Dude.
(For the record, he actually DOES have a real name but it doesn’t fit his personality at all and I refuse to use it. NO name fits except “The Creepy Dude” because that is EXACTLY what he is and it’s what I’ve called him from Day One and will continue to call him when I think of him, which hopefully will be never after I finish writing this.)
Anyway, THE CREEPY DUDE FINALLY RETIRED, Y’ALL. He really did. They had a party and everything. Well, it was actually a party for other people — Ratty Cardigan Scottish Old Guy and Anti-Social Bad Haircut Lady both retired this month, too — and the Creepy Dude had to piggyback onto their party because HEY! Big surprise! When you spend 15 years making sure everyone in the office knows how much you hate them and hate your job, it turns out nobody’s too excited about throwing you a big send-off bash of your own! Or really doing anything other than silently pray you’ll actually LEAVE and never, never, never come back! Who knew?! Certainly not the Creepy Dude, who spent weeks making passive-aggressive comments about how nothing was being planned in his honor while everyone else just kept their fingers crossed behind their backs and said things like “Yeah, that really IS too bad” while secretly organizing a huge happy hour for the day AFTER his retirement to celebrate our new life without him.
So anyway, for the first time yesterday I got to walk into work without having to mentally prepare myself to not drive a stake through the Creepy Dude’s head. It was lovely but also weird because I really did spend a lot of time hating that guy with the kind of passion that one can only describe as “ass-burning” and now I kind of don’t know what to do with myself. There’s no one over there to throw imaginary hate-daggers at or stab voodoo dolls of or cry to the BFF about how “Seriously. I. Just. Hate. Him. Soooooo. Muuuuuuuuuch” and frankly, I’m a little bored. I keep looking around my cubicle for something to do — I mean besides WORK, obviously — but there’s nothing except my Encyclopedia of Useless Information and a mirror that just keeps reminding me that my bangs are NEVER going to outgrow this shitty in-between stage.
By the way, did you know gorillas never snore? And the world record for the most bananas eaten in one minute is 81? And the dot above the lowercase letter “I” is called a “tittle”? And Nero’s second wife Poppaea kept five hundred asses to provide milk for her bath? And not a single one of them was named Dr. Phil?
If I had a pet ass, I would TOTALLY name it Dr. Phil.
So now here I am, bored and alone without anyone or anything to hate except my bangs. And Dr. Phil.
I think maybe I need a new gig.
Tags: Dr. Phil is a douche, Growing your bangs out sucks ass, I wish my husband was a gorilla
So last night after I published this post about search terms I got an email from my midget friend (a.k.a. My Second or Possibly Third Husband) and he was all, “What, no midget searches? There were a ton of midget searches on your last post about keywords” and I was all, “Gee, I guess nobody’s looking for midgets right now, I’m sorry,” and he was all, “Not even for midget PORN?” and I was all, “No, I guess not, maybe midget porn has fallen out of fashion?” and he was all, “That’s ridiculous, people are ALWAYS looking for midget porn, it’s timeless” and I was all, “Well I don’t know what to tell you, maybe the Internet has just realized that my blog is not the go-to place for midget porn” and he got all cranky, like it was somehow MY fault that everybody who came to my blog this summer was looking for assless chaps or dildo helmets instead of naked midgets making sexy time. So I promised him that I would write something about hot midget sex today to try and drive more midget traffic here and
OH, HI, MIDGET FETISH PEOPLE! WELCOME TO MY BLOG. I’m sorry about this, I really am, but my midget friend made me do it. He may be wee, but he has extremely sharp teeth and he’s also very unpredictable so I pretty much do whatever he says because I’m scared he’ll bite my legs. I had to lure you here under false pretenses to protect my legs, I hope you understand. Thanks for visiting anyway, and good luck finding whatever gross midget porn you were originally looking for. I’d post some photos of naked midgets here, just to make it up to you a little, but I only know one midget and he’s being a total bitch about posing nude in front of the fireplace on that bear skin rug like I asked him to.
Also, if you’re NOT looking for midget porn but just needed some general information on midgets, I’m afraid but I can’t help you there, either. Like I said, I only know the one midget and I think it’s pretty clear that he can’t be trusted. Try wiki.
Sorry.
Love,
.
.
P.S. My midget friend also bet me 20 bucks that I couldn’t work the word “midget” into this post 20 times but I did so PAY UP, BITCH.
P.P.S. Search engine optimization services available upon request.
Tags: Clearly I've got this SEO thing DOWN, I just LIKE the word midget okay?, midgets are funny
So someone found my blog today using the search term “why does my ass smell like cheetos” and it made me realize that it’s been a while since I reviewed my blog search terms. I may have been on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping tabs on the search terms people use to find my blog. Over the summer I had some really juicy ones, and by “juicy” I mean sick, pervy, twisted, awesome, horrible, hilarious and all of the above. Let’s explore, shall we?
(P.S. I honestly love each and every one of you. Thanks for finding me, even if you WERE just looking for elephant porn.)
Category #1: Now THAT’S fucked up
- dolphin skin wallet
- i need a letter to break up my sons marriage
- waterslide girl loses toe?
- nobody consulted me about this new baby thing
- seducing my own husband on facebook but he doesn’t know its me
- my parents HAVE dildos
- plucking baby unibrow not grow back
- i am a girl and i want a didlo for free but i dont want my perents to find it
- “thought i was the grandfather of my son”
- I love a guy with a ponytail
Category #2: EXACTLY
- bizaree things are fun to say
- albino repellent
- dont try stupid thing like murder some one
- my husband my bitch
- why is facebook shitty this morning?
- fathers day is a bull shit holyday
- I love baked cheetos
- don’t cram your beliefs down my throat
- friggin’ delightful
- nobody gives a shit
- small heads look better
- dan fogelberg was an asshole
- ryan seacrest disproportionate head
- dr. phil sanctimonious
Category #3: Stupid questions
- jesus should I leave on the 16th
- why provoke people
- why am i the brain in breakfast club?
- is it rude to scratch your balls
- Is it terrible to unfriend someone on Facebook
- does facebook accidentally unfriend people
- what does it mean when someone unfriends you on facebook
- why is it so insulting to be unfriended
- where do I put my keys when i come home
- what does it mean when a cat makes a sneezing noise but it isn’t sneezeing
- what happens when your baby is born on new years eve
- is the louder the sneeze the more germs
- when blowing a bubble from bubble gum does your boobs get small
Category #4: Excellent questions.
- why do we use forks
- how do you make a brainwashing helmet
- seriously, is muno a sex toy?
- why is my weiner dog so weird
- where is the very hot 69 sex
- what do I do about our neighbor outside in his underwear
- Is an accidental burp at the dinner table rude?
- is lemon tree song useful in anyway?
- How do I unfriend Nancy Grace on facebook?
- good zombie weapons disguised as something else
- where do all the forks go
- why isn’t my sunburn hot?
- why does my lemon tree have wrinkly lemons
- who’s the bean
- Why I hate a person I love?
- why would anyone ever wear assless chaps
- can u shoot a fork out of ur bum by farting?
- Where are Shamu Parents
Category #5: Seriously questionable fashion choices
- Oh, I’m in assless chaps
- pink assless cowboy chaps
- cutting jeans into chaps
- dildo hat
- little thug shirt
- penis on the sweater
- penis sweater
- im a guy trying to get a ponytail
- shiny plastic pants
- small head big butt outfit
- gigantic furries boobs
- squirrel chaps
Category #6: We should talk
- i think i have no soul
- I put my boogers under my desk
- i’m a dildo in the morning
- FREAKISHLY SMALL HEAD
- I hate crockpot
- my husband wants my facebook password
- really terrible poetry
- things I’ve learned from porn
- people with unusually small heads
- stalking rules
Category #7: Best. Party. EVER.
- unibrow party theme
- lady toy party
- you me and a pair of assless chaps
- let’s get together and break shit
- who got naked on summer break
- zombie dildo
- bad porn sweater lady
- boobs seaworld
Category #8: Sounds like somebody’s having a pretty bad day
- how do you get lollipops out of hair
- hate seeing ugly people on facebook
- sunburn on my ass
- i want a fucking fridge now
- home remedy for sunburnt butt
- I’ve just had my keys stolen,I left in the door when coming in
- accidental poop
- my husband has passwords for everything
- Shit I’m sunburned
- out of the blue my best friend unfriends me
- urine culture wasnt a good catch
- omg my husband is gay
- this helmet is pissig me off
- somebody called social services on me
- had to pretend I was gay because somebody gave him chaps
- devil repellent
- I hate the fact I was born to my family
- turned into wrong lane
- shit my husband ruined
- sunburned blotchy face now what
- husband shit his underwear
- co-worker rolls eyes at me
- “on the phone” and “had to pee” and “* my pants”
Category #9: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID
- and i don’t know why it’s been so hard
Category #10: Huh. Wow. Really? Huh.
- wife wears dildo all day
- the cat wrote a letter to my son
- wearing a dildo for 10 hours
- boogers the size of corn flakes
- chicken nugget dildos
- museum of big vaginas
- Love to Breastfeed My Husband
Bonus Category: (Spechless.)
- i made my boyfriend suck my fart
- can i lease a dildo for a day
- giantess use guy as dildo
- im only 11 but i want a dilldo
- ode to my baby’s asshole
Love,
So last night I was doing my weekly holy-shit-it’s-Sunday-night-and-none-of-us-have-clean-underwear laundry when an enormous cockroach scurried across the floor and when I say “scurried across the floor” I mean “tried to attack me and eat my face off” and when I say “enormous” that really doesn’t do it justice but I’ve spent the last twenty minutes trying to come up with an analogy to convey to you just how big this bastard was and I simply can’t do it. I started to say it was the size of my forearm, but then I realized that I don’t actually know what the forearm IS. I guess it’s in the front of the arm somewhere, right? Isn’t that what “fore” means? Like, forward? So it would be the part of my arm that faces forward? Does that make the other part my “backarm”? I’m so confused.
Plus, sometimes I like to do my jazz hands walk to entertain myself and usually I do that like this:
So what part of the arm is “fore” NOW? HUH, INTERNET?!?!
Also, is there something wrong with my ring finger? It looks like a potato.
Anyway, clearly I had to ditch the “forearm” analogy so I changed it to “hamster” but it turns out I also have no idea what a hamster is. I mean, I know it’s a little furry rodent that lives in a cage and likes to run on a wheel for fun – DUH – but there are all these other little furry rodents that live in cages and run on wheels (which, WTF, little furry rodents? Find a real hobby) like gerbils and guinea pigs and mice and rats I can’t tell ANY of them apart. I think whoever made these animals did it just to screw with our heads. And no, I don’t mean god, I mean the mad scientists who have special labs hidden underground and in volcanoes and stuff where they perform crazy experiments and turn people into mutants and genetically engineer huge, dangerous cockroaches and plot to destroy the world by confusing it to death. Obviously.
So, not knowing which of the furry, scientifically-created rodents is most like the gigantic, genetically-altered cockroach, I’m just going to say that this bitch was FUCKING BIG and leave it at that.
And besides, the point IS that this giant cockroach tried to attack me and eat my face off and I was freaked the FUCK out so I ran into the bedroom to get the Big Bean because bugs and dead things are his domain (it is in the marriage contract) but he was sleeping and I tried to wake him up to do his husbandly duty but he just kept brushing me off and even when I shook him really hard and slapped him, all he did was open one eye and mutter something about how I should leave him alone or something.
He is SUCH an asshole when he’s sleeping.
And there I was, totally on my own against this monster and no idea what to do, so I got my broom because a broom is the most logical weapon against a large rodent-sized cockroach that wants to eat your face off and I went after that sucker like a fucking NINJA, y’all.
Well, okay, I didn’t. I WOULD have if I could have found it, I really would — but by then it was gone and the only place for it to go was my gym bag so I’m pretty sure it’s in there right now, waiting for me. Today’s visit to the gym could be REALLY exciting.
Needless to say, I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was too upset and every time I’d drift off I dreamed about the cockroach eating my face off, but not ALL of my face, just my lips, so I kept waking up and desperately groping my face to make sure that my lips were still there. So I’m operating on a few cylinders shy of a piston right now. Or whatever. I don’t really know pistons. Or cars, or anything.
But for the record, I DO still have my lips. So far.
.
P.S. The Big Bean slept like a baby. Asshole.
P.P.S. I know a bunch of you picked topics you wanted me to write about but I’m sorry, this cockroach story just HAD to be told.
P.P.P.S. If anyone has the answer about this forearm issue, please get in touch with your senator. It’s important and needs to be addressed in a public forearm. I mean, forum.
P.P.P.P.S. I think I should clarify that I really only do the jazz hands thing when I’m walking down the hall at work. Or at the mall. I don’t do it when I’m just standing around. That would be ridiculous.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Don’t even bother with the hamster thing. The whole mess is just too convoluted. If you think about it too hard, the terrorists win.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. You didn’t really think you’d get out of reading this post without seeing at least ONE picture of my adorable kid on vacation, did you?
Tags: I don't want to lose my lips, the Big Bean wants me to be eaten by cockroaches
So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance. (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.” Let’s keep those expectations low, m’kay?)
I’ve been thinking for a while about what I’d do for my first post back and I have a summer’s worth of ideas about what to write but now that it’s time to actually write something I kind of hate them all. Yeah. This blogging thing is great. Why did I need that break, again?
Anyway, I think I’ll just let you guys decide. Here are your choices.
Possible First-Post-Back Ideas:
- I’m Pretty Sure My Husband Is Trying to Kill Me With His Shoes
- For the Last Time, Twitter, I DO NOT WANT TO FOLLOW YOUR FUCKING CRONIES
- Mickey Mouse Hypnotized Me and Took Away My Free Will
- Our Dog Is Old And Dying But He’s also a Huge Asshole So We’re Okay With That
- Nobody Voted for My Boobs and Now They’re Sore Losers
- Something Smells like Cheetos
- Why I Want to Stab Texas in the Face
- Why I Want to Stab McSweeney’s in the Face
- Why I Want to Stab BlogHer in the Face
- Wow, I Really Want to Stab a Lot of People in the Face
- My Child Is the Cutest Fucking Thing You’ve ever Seen and Don’t Even Try to Argue or I Will Stab YOU in the Face
- Dear Pedicurist: I Am Sorry I Kicked You in the Face
- I Think Maybe I Have some Issues with People and their Faces
- I Kind of Hate my Own Face
- I Clearly Have No Idea How To Capitalize Blog Post Titles
I would set up one of those vote-poll things here but I (1) am too lazy (B) have the technical expertise of a retarded wallaby and (iii) don’t wanna so just leave a comment down there – remember those?! comments are FUN! LEAVE ONE – and tell me what you want and after I have at least ten comments (which at this rate should take about seven months) I will tally the votes and write whatever the hell I feel like writing, anyway.
It’s just how I roll, y’all.
Good to be back. Love you guys. Thanks for hanging in there.
.
.
P.S. I don’t actually know what a wallaby is but I’m pretty sure it’s stupid. Stupider than me, anyway.
P.P.S. Okay, maybe not.
P.P.P.S. Pick the one about Mickey Mouse and you will see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation. And I KNOW you’ve missed him.
P.P.P.P.S. Pick the one about how cute my kid is and you will also see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Pick any of the ones about someone getting stabbed in the face and you will STILL see adorable pictures of my kid on vacation.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Hell, who am I kidding? We all know I’m going to post adorable picture of my kid on vacation no matter WHAT you choose.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S.
See? I can’t stop myself.
Tags: just as stupid as I ever was, what the hell is a wallaby anyway?
.
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P.S. If you want a real post, check out my latest column over at Funny Not Slutty. And by “real” I mean “totally bizarre and inappropriate.” As opposed to this Photoshopped picture of the Bean in space. Obviously.
Tags: Fuck blogging - I'm in SPACE Y'ALL, This is the weirdest summer vacation anyone has ever taken
My friend and also a person I enjoy stalking both electronically and in person Lotus over at Sarcastic Mom does this totally weird slightly pervy super cool thing every year on her blog, where she gets a bunch of people to flaunt scare people with show off their boobs. I wasn’t going to do it, but the last time I showed my boobs to random strangers it was an accident and I see this as a chance to redeem myself I’m always looking for new ways to compare myself to other women and feel inferior it’s for charity, yo. So yep, I’m in there. (To be perfectly honest, I kind of love my photo, as well as all the others and, for the moment anyway, I’m feeling pretty good about myself AND my girls.)
Do Susan G. Komen a favor and click on over, would ya? Lotus is donating all of her July ad revenue to the foundation, and that’s calculated by page loads, folks. So vote early and often, and send your friends. Give boobs a chance.
(First commenter here to guess correctly which ones are mine wins a prize, by the way.)
Peace, love and healthy boobs, bitches.
