Bejewell on October 20th, 2016

HONEY WAKE UP I NEED YOU Hmrphmrph HONEY WAKE UP RIGHT NOW zzzzz THERE’S A MOUSE GODDAMMIT COME ON [Big Bean pulls covers off my head] YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CATCH THE MOUSE Mmm k gimme a minute NOW, HONEY. GET UP, HONEY Ok ok I’m up whatsa mouse what? THERE’S A FUCKING MOUSE [...]

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Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

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Continue reading about WTF, Dan Fogelberg?

I’m trying to understand why every person in the world* loves Downton Abbey so much but so far I’m drawing a blank. I suppose I’d get some insight if I actually WATCHED Downton Abbey, but what I’m finding is that the more people try to make me feel like a stupid asshole for NOT watching [...]

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Bejewell on December 12th, 2012

The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE. Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the [...]

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Bejewell on November 3rd, 2012

ME: Are you ready for some amazing news? BIG BEAN: Oh, lord. ME: No, really. This is fucking AMAZING. BIG BEAN: Here we go. ME: Wells Fargo has this new thing where you can take a PICTURE of a CHECK and send it in to deposit it!! You don’t even have to go to the [...]

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Bejewell on October 17th, 2012

Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]

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A couple of months ago I scaled back my hours at the Department of Melancholy so I could (1) concentrate on freelance work and (B) avoid stabbing myself in the face because the people in my office were making me feel JUST REAL FACE STABBY during the entire months of September-October-November-December-and-January. At the time (and [...]

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Continue reading about I Need a Surgical Mask, Full Body Armor and a Really Long Vacation

So someone who clearly has no real grasp of social media in Texas nominated me for the Austin American-Statesman‘s Texas Social Media Award, which is SO prestigious that I had never heard of it until I checked my blog stats last night and saw that someone from the Statesman had been here so of course [...]

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Continue reading about Social media people love me. Or want to sacrifice me to the zombies. Whatever.

Every year for Christmas the BFF gives me the Bag O’Crap. The Bag O’Crap is filled with awesome shit that makes me laugh, like my Buddha Belly Bookends and the sarcastic 8-ball and The Villain’s Guide to Better Living and my Sigmund Freud action figure. And most of it lives on my desk at work [...]

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Bejewell on December 28th, 2010

So the Big Bean and I have this ongoing argument about how awesome Facebook is.  I say it’s awesome times one zillion and he says it’s negative awesome.  He is totally wrong as usual and even though I say so all the time he doesn’t believe me, which is super lame and also dangerous because [...]

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Continue reading about I Like Soup.