End of an Era

So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE [...]

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So last night after I published this post about search terms I got an email from my midget friend (a.k.a. My Second or Possibly Third Husband) and he was all, “What, no midget searches? There were a ton of midget searches on your last post about keywords” and I was all, “Gee, I guess nobody’s [...]

Continue reading about I Can’t Think of a Good Title for This Post so Let’s Just Call it “MIDGETS”

So someone found my blog today using the search term “why does my ass smell like cheetos” and it made me realize that it’s been a while since I reviewed my blog search terms.  I may have been on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping tabs on the search terms people [...]

Continue reading about I’m Really Sorry But I Actually Have No Idea Why Your Ass Smells Like Cheetos

So last night I was doing my weekly holy-shit-it’s-Sunday-night-and-none-of-us-have-clean-underwear laundry when an enormous cockroach scurried across the floor and when I say “scurried across the floor” I mean “tried to attack me and eat my face off” and when I say “enormous” that really doesn’t do it justice but I’ve spent the last twenty minutes [...]

Continue reading about I’m Pretty Sure a Giant, Genetically-Altered Cockroach is Going to Eat My Face Off at the Gym Today

So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance.  (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.”  [...]

Continue reading about Come On, You Know You Missed Me

So tonight I went to an open house for a local spa/salon which sounds really fancy but in reality was just kind of awkward.  At least it WAS until the BFF and I found the wine. Then it was just awkward for the other people around us.  Ask Lotus.  She was there.  I’m sure she’d [...]

Continue reading about Drunk Blogging is the New Drunk Dialing But More Awesome Because It’s on the Internet

So over the weekend my friend Big Boobs and I took our kids to Sea World, and there are a lot of things I could say about that but right now all I can think about is how the hell am I going to pay my bills after the HUGE ass-beating my wallet just took [...]

Continue reading about Shamu Can Suck It. Dolphins Are Where It’s At

So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee“) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class.  It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time. I’ve blacked out some names to protect the innocent but you get the idea. [...]

Continue reading about I’ve Been Awesome Since At Least the Tenth Grade and Here’s the Proof

Please stop. Sincerely,

Continue reading about A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

This my weiner dog, Napoleon. Napoleon is awesome. Napoleon loves my little Bean. AND my Big Bean. He loves swimming. And camping. And catching food in the air. Yep.  Napoleon is awesome.  He’s part of the family. THIS is Napoleon’s doggie door. THIS is Napoleon’s favorite place to pee. foot of bed And THIS is [...]

Continue reading about A Weiner Dog’s Life, in Pictures.