Bejewell on August 28th, 2014

If you’re currently growing out your facial hair and considering the Full Beard + No Mustache option — but you’re unsure if this is the right look for you — please ask yourself the following questions: 1.  Are you Amish? 2. Are you Abraham Lincoln? 3. Are you a leprechaun? 4. Are you Uncle Sam? [...]

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Continue reading about The Cosmo Quiz: Facial Hair Edition

AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers used to waiting in long lines at a local Target store’s three open checkout lanes were baffled this Saturday when a fourth register was opened. “We all just stood there, staring at each other,” said Nina Martin, a mom of three who was fifth in line at Lane 26 in the Parmer/I-35 North [...]

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Continue reading about Target Store Opens More than Three Checkout Lanes; Shoppers Confused

Bejewell on March 14th, 2014

Today is National Pi Day. Pi is a really really long number that has something to with circles. It’s important for a lot of big reasons that a lot of very smart people understand. On Pi Day they get super excited and talk about it a lot. And that’s everything I know about Pi. In [...]

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Continue reading about Happy Pie Day!

Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Continue reading about Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets

Bejewell on May 25th, 2013

You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]

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Continue reading about Learn to Merge

Bejewell on April 29th, 2013

OHMYGOD would you STOP with the coughing, already? All you do is cough cough cough and it’s so loud I can’t hear my stories!!! And when you finally catch your breath you just complain about your stupid tuberculosis or Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome or whatever. It’s like you don’t even care about ME at all. [...]

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Continue reading about Stop Coughing.

Bejewell on October 17th, 2012

Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]

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Continue reading about How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas

Curling gel Curling mousse Curling spray Curling irons Any product that says “Guaranteed to make your straight hair curly!” Hot rollers Twisty rollers Diffusers Diffusers with gel Diffusers with mousse Diffusers with root lifter Diffusers with thickening cream Leave-in curling conditioner Hot water Cold water Salt water Bobby pins That stupid sock idea Any instructions [...]

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Continue reading about Things that Do NOT Make Naturally Straight Hair into Cute and Curly Hair

Each one of the terms below has been used to find my blog in recent weeks, through Google or another search engine. I have categorized them for your easy reference. You’re welcome. Before you browse, though, let me just clarify: EACH OF THESE WAS, AT SOME POINT, TYPED INTO A SEARCH ENGINE BY A HUMAN [...]

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Continue reading about Latest Search Terms: Weiners, Midgets, Missing Forks and That Bitch Karen

Bejewell on September 21st, 2011

Me and Client, 6 months ago ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff! CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best copywriter in the history of the world! Will you marry me and have little badass writing ninja babies? ME: Actually, no. CLIENT: Oh, well. Okay. I’ll just go ahead and pay you through Chase’s Online QuickPay system [...]

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Continue reading about Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls