You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But you do, too… And CUT in the goddamned [...]
OHMYGOD would you STOP with the coughing, already? All you do is cough cough cough and it’s so loud I can’t hear my stories!!! And when you finally catch your breath you just complain about your stupid tuberculosis or Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome or whatever. It’s like you don’t even care about ME at all. [...]
Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]
Continue reading about How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas
Curling gel Curling mousse Curling spray Curling irons Any product that says “Guaranteed to make your straight hair curly!” Hot rollers Twisty rollers Diffusers Diffusers with gel Diffusers with mousse Diffusers with root lifter Diffusers with thickening cream Leave-in curling conditioner Hot water Cold water Salt water Bobby pins That stupid sock idea Any instructions [...]
Continue reading about Things that Do NOT Make Naturally Straight Hair into Cute and Curly Hair
Each one of the terms below has been used to find my blog in recent weeks, through Google or another search engine. I have categorized them for your easy reference. You’re welcome. Before you browse, though, let me just clarify: EACH OF THESE WAS, AT SOME POINT, TYPED INTO A SEARCH ENGINE BY A HUMAN [...]
Continue reading about Latest Search Terms: Weiners, Midgets, Missing Forks and That Bitch Karen
Me and Client, 6 months ago ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff! CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best writer and editor I’ve ever seen! Will you marry me and have little badass writing and editing ninja babies? ME: Actually, no. CLIENT: Oh, well. I knew it was a longshot. I’ll just go ahead and [...]
Continue reading about Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls
So there’s this new show on HBO about royal families in some kind of weird medieval fantasy world, I forget what it’s called but it’s got a fuck-happy dwarf who whores his way around the countryside and another guy who likes giving the meat to his twin sister, which is just ALL KINDS OF ICK [...]
So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it. For starters, I actually [...]
If you’re currently growing out your facial hair and considering the Full Beard + No Mustache option — but you’re unsure if this is the right look for you — please ask yourself the following questions: 1. Are you Amish? 2. Are you Abraham Lincoln? 3. Are you a leprechaun? 4. Are you Uncle Sam? [...]
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