Each one of the terms below has been used to find my blog in recent weeks, through Google or another search engine. I have categorized them for your easy reference. You’re welcome. Before you browse, though, let me just clarify: EACH OF THESE WAS, AT SOME POINT, TYPED INTO A SEARCH ENGINE BY A HUMAN [...]

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Bejewell on September 21st, 2011

Me and Client, 6 months ago ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff! CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best copywriter in the history of the world! Will you marry me and have little badass writing ninja babies? ME: Actually, no. CLIENT: Oh, well. Okay. I’ll just go ahead and pay you through Chase’s Online QuickPay system [...]

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Continue reading about Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls

So there’s this new show on HBO about royal families in some kind of weird medieval fantasy world, I forget what it’s called but it’s got a horny dwarf who whores his way around the countryside and another guy who likes giving the meat to his twin sister, which is just ALL KINDS of ick [...]

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Continue reading about Midgets, Incest and Pony Play – Just Another Run of the Mill Blog Post Here at The Bean

Bejewell on April 20th, 2011

So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it. For starters, I actually [...]

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Bejewell on February 14th, 2011

Traffic My hair Shitty Grammy Award recaps Valentine’s Day This fucking dog The number of people who keep telling me how “underrated” my blog is Twitter People who ignore me on Twitter Facebook People who ignore me on Facebook Sugar highs Sugar lows THE FUCKING CHEERFUL HOLIDAY SWEATER LADY Overpriced bowling alleys Lady Antebellum Bruno [...]

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Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social events.  Sweater for every occasion. Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily. The Stickler – Early [...]

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Bejewell on June 24th, 2010
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A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

Bejewell on April 28th, 2010

Please stop. Sincerely,

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Continue reading about A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

I don’t like to touch matters of religion or politics on this blog too often, mostly because I’m very comfortable with my own feelings on those subjects and don’t feel any particular need to share them with anyone else, but also partly because lately, when it comes to religion and politics, everyone’s an asshole.  I [...]

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Bejewell on April 12th, 2010

This my weiner dog, Napoleon. Napoleon is awesome. Napoleon loves my little Bean. AND my Big Bean. He loves swimming. And camping. And catching food in the air. Yep.  Napoleon is awesome.  He’s part of the family. THIS is Napoleon’s doggie door. THIS is Napoleon’s favorite place to pee. foot of bed And THIS is [...]

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Continue reading about A Weiner Dog’s Life, in Pictures.