So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE [...]
So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance. (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.” [...]
These are some of the search terms people have used to find my blog in the past few months. I could go on for pages and pages about how awesome and totally fucked up these people are, but honestly, I think it’s better to just let them speak for themselves. I have grouped them into [...]
Continue reading about Keyword (Some of You Really Need Some Serious) Analysis
So last week the Big Bean and I made a list of things that we want to do to fix up the house and also have fun this spring/summer and it turns out our list is about 150 items long and is going to cost us at least one million dollars. After we added it [...]
Continue reading about It’s Just Amazing I Haven’t Been Snatched Up as Somebody’s Life Coach Already
So today I had lunch with a bunch of people that I went to school with a thousand years ago and one of those people was my friend Paula, who has new boobs. Paula is awesome despite the fact that she was a willing participant in the Duran Duran Fan Club that kicked me out [...]
Dear Sprint: The Big Bean and I have been customers of yours for like ten years and that’s mostly because we’re lazy but for the purposes of this conversation let’s call it “customer loyalty.” Over that time we’ve been through lots of phones and talked to you a lot on those phones for help with [...]
IKEA: Hi there! Can I help you? ME: Yes! Finally! I’ve been walking around this store for half an hour and I’m completely turned around. I’ve never seen so many secret passages. It’s like the house from Clue. I keep looking for Mrs. Peacock, but she’s probably in the men’s room. har har Get it? *snort* [...]
Continue reading about Switzerlandish People Don’t Use Forks. Tell Your Friends.
So is it just me, or is this Baby New Year thing totally disturbing? I didn’t even know what Baby New Year was until I saw the Holiday Sweater Lady in her huge blue sweater today, with a baby taking up like half her chest in its top hat and beauty pagent sash, and I was all, “Why [...]
Continue reading about Baby New Year: Somebody Call Child Protective Services
Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my little Bean is discovering Christmas for the first time, with the trees and the tinsel and the gifts and the stockings, and we’re suddenly VERY concerned about our status [...]
