This will come as a shock to no one, but sometimes I can be a little fucked in the head. Nothing too nut-tastic – I’m not sitting naked on my couch in a tin foil hat or screaming about Barack Obama’s birth certificate, or anything – but the typical depression stuff can grab me with [...]
How I felt when the election coverage really started gearing up: How I felt when the Republicans picked Mitt Romney as their candidate: What I see every time I look at Donald Trump: How I feel every time Michele Bachmann opens her mouth to say something: How I felt about all my friends on Facebook [...]
Continue reading about My Feelings About Election 2012, In Cat Pictures
Dear Esteemed Members of the Former High School Asshole Association: As President of the Former High School Nobody Association, it is my job to maintain an open line of communication with your leadership regarding our mutually accepted Post-High School Code of Conduct (COC). Specifically, I’m required to monitor and report possible violations of the rules [...]
Continue reading about A Letter to the Leadership of the Former High School Asshole Association
IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me… Thank you profusely. Do NOT hold the door open for me… Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm. Tell me what to do… Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said. Tell me I can’t do something… Prove you wrong. Cut [...]
One of the things they don’t tell you before you have a kid is how your television will ultimately become an indispensible lifeline while simultaneously destroying all your values and everything you hold dear. Nickelodeon will eat your soul, then barf it up and leave it on the floor so later when you walk into [...]
Me and Client, 6 months ago ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff! CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best writer and editor I’ve ever seen! Will you marry me and have little badass writing and editing ninja babies? ME: Actually, no. CLIENT: Oh, well. I knew it was a longshot. I’ll just go ahead and [...]
Continue reading about Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls
So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it. For starters, I actually [...]
Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social events. Sweater for every occasion. Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily. The Stickler – Early [...]
Continue reading about State Government, Department of Melancholy: Current Cast of Characters
Hi. I haven’t written anything in a while. Maybe you’ve noticed. Probably you haven’t. Whatever. I guess I should be more concerned about that, or more apologetic for my absence, or more… well, something, but the truth is I’m in the middle of a big, ugly, funky FUNK right now and we’re probably ALL better [...]
So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE [...]
