Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong Cut [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about Action:Reaction

Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about WTF, Dan Fogelberg?

Bejewell on May 25th, 2013

You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about Learn to Merge

Bejewell on February 28th, 2013

This will come as a shock to no one, but sometimes I can be a little fucked in the head. Nothing too nut-tastic – I’m not sitting naked on my couch in a tin foil hat or screaming about Barack Obama’s birth certificate, or anything – but the typical depression stuff can grab me with [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about The Bear and the Bunny

Bejewell on November 6th, 2012

How I felt when the election coverage really started gearing up: How I felt when the Republicans picked Mitt Romney as their candidate: What I see every time I look at Donald Trump: How I feel every time Michele Bachmann opens her mouth to say something: How I felt about all my friends on Facebook [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about My Feelings About Election 2012, In Cat Pictures

Dear Esteemed Members of the Former High School Asshole Association: As President of the Former High School Nobody Association, it is my job to maintain an open line of communication with your leadership regarding our mutually accepted Post-High School Code of Conduct (COC). Specifically, I’m required to monitor and report possible violations of the rules [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about A Letter to the Leadership of the Former High School Asshole Association

One of the things they don’t tell you before you have a kid is how your television will ultimately become an indispensible lifeline while simultaneously destroying all your values and everything you hold dear. Nickelodeon will eat your soul, then barf it up and leave it on the floor so later when you walk into [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about There’s Really No Point Here Except Maybe That I Hate Victoria Justice and Her Ass Face

Bejewell on September 21st, 2011

Me and Client, 6 months ago ME: Hi, Client! Here’s your stuff! CLIENT: This is great! You’re the best copywriter in the history of the world! Will you marry me and have little badass writing ninja babies? ME: Actually, no. CLIENT: Oh, well. Okay. I’ll just go ahead and pay you through Chase’s Online QuickPay system [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about Chase Bank Customer Service Murders Puppies and Crushes Souls

Bejewell on April 20th, 2011

So I got fired from my day job yesterday, more or less, and I know “more or less” is a weird thing to say here but honestly this is the weirdest “firing” I’ve ever had the pleasure to be involved in so I’m not really sure how else to describe it. For starters, I actually [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about How I Accidentally Fired Myself

Holiday Sweater Lady – Mid 50s. Married with 4 grown children. Copes with Empty Nest Syndrome by gleefully and obnoxiously organizing all office social events.  Sweater for every occasion. Cranky Old Scottish Man – Late 60s. Lifelong bachelor. Often wears ratty cardigan and glasses on tip of nose. Discusses retirement daily. The Stickler – Early [...]

  • Share/Bookmark

Continue reading about State Government, Department of Melancholy: Current Cast of Characters