Bejewell on October 12th, 2016

I really hate that my first post back is going to be political, because quite frankly I think talking politics on the Internet is a complete waste of time. No one ever wins. Everyone’s already made up their minds and no one’s actually LISTENING to anyone else – just talking over one another until it [...]

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Continue reading about Oh, for Fuck’s Sake

So. Y’all. (And by “y’all,” I mean the three people likely to read this, two of whom got here by searching for midget porn and that one pervy guy in Denver who keeps downloading the picture of the slutty girls.) Let’s talk. *** This blog. It sucks. I know. I don’t even think you can [...]

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Continue reading about In Which I Make Up for Years of More-or-Less Silence With a Ridiculously and Unnecessarily Long Post

Before: Sure, I’ll have some pot! What could possibly go wrong? After: Wow, I probably shouldn’t have smoked that pot. Oh, dear. I think I might have had too much pot. Wait, you can’t have “too much pot”! That’s ridiculous! People don’t overdose from pot! Pot. Pot. Pooooooooooootttttt. Potty Potty POT! (ducking) SHITWHAT’STHATNOISE??!? Are we [...]

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Continue reading about My Inner Dialogue Before and After Smoking Copious Amounts of Pot at the Slash Concert

Bejewell on December 22nd, 2014

Today is December 22nd or, as I know it, The Day That Amazon Prime Officially Owns All Our Asses. If you’re a lazy, disorganized fuck like me and now find yourself a slave to the corporate 2-Day Shipping gods, today is your last day to serve your Lord and Master and get that shit here [...]

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Continue reading about Customers Also Viewed…

Bejewell on September 22nd, 2014

I’ve eaten too much Not a single bite more can pass between these lips (Unless, of course, our server comes by and refills the tortilla chips.)

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Continue reading about Always Room for Chips

Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world. He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day. And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails. For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming [...]

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Continue reading about Death By Toenail

Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong Cut [...]

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Continue reading about Action:Reaction

Bejewell on March 14th, 2014

Today is National Pi Day. Pi is a really really long number that has something to with circles. It’s important for a lot of big reasons that a lot of very smart people understand. On Pi Day they get super excited and talk about it a lot. And that’s everything I know about Pi. In [...]

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Continue reading about Happy Pie Day!

[Originally posted February, 2010. Re-sharing now because I'm feeling nostalgic.] So my best friend from high school (also known as “Queen Bee“) just sent me a copy of a note that I apparently wrote her from my tenth grade algebra class.  It is both hilarious and horrifying at the same time. I’ve blacked out some [...]

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Continue reading about I’ve Been Awesome Since At Least the Tenth Grade and Here’s the Proof

Bejewell on February 23rd, 2014

There’s this little book I wrote called Something Smells Like Pee It’s filled with witty poems and a sketch or two or three Now it’s published and for sale and what I’d like to see Are great reviews and many, many checks of royalty I’m out here hawking it to all my friends and family [...]

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Continue reading about The Terrible Sales Pitch Poem