Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]
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A couple of months ago I scaled back my hours at the Department of Melancholy so I could (1) concentrate on freelance work and (B) avoid stabbing myself in the face because the people in my office were making me feel JUST REAL FACE STABBY during the entire months of September-October-November-December-and-January. At the time (and [...]
Continue reading about I Need a Surgical Mask, Full Body Armor and a Really Long Vacation
Traffic My hair Shitty Grammy Award recaps Valentine’s Day This fucking dog The number of people who keep telling me how “underrated” my blog is Twitter People who ignore me on Twitter Facebook People who ignore me on Facebook Sugar highs Sugar lows THE FUCKING CHEERFUL HOLIDAY SWEATER LADY Overpriced bowling alleys Lady Antebellum Bruno [...]
Yesterday morning when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is because I opened Facebook and there were about 10 different pictures of temperature gauges and iPhone weather report thingies informing me that it was 17 degrees outside. Mostly with comments expressing disbelief over the “extreme cold” even [...]
Continue reading about I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets
So last night I was doing my weekly holy-shit-it’s-Sunday-night-and-none-of-us-have-clean-underwear laundry when an enormous cockroach scurried across the floor and when I say “scurried across the floor” I mean “tried to attack me and eat my face off” and when I say “enormous” that really doesn’t do it justice but I’ve spent the last twenty minutes [...]
So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance. (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.” [...]
So over the weekend my friend Big Boobs and I took our kids to Sea World, and there are a lot of things I could say about that but right now all I can think about is how the hell am I going to pay my bills after the HUGE ass-beating my wallet just took [...]
Continue reading about Shamu Can Suck It. Dolphins Are Where It’s At
This my weiner dog, Napoleon. Napoleon is awesome. Napoleon loves my little Bean. AND my Big Bean. He loves swimming. And camping. And catching food in the air. Yep. Napoleon is awesome. He’s part of the family. THIS is Napoleon’s doggie door. THIS is Napoleon’s favorite place to pee. foot of bed And THIS is [...]
Today I saw the most magnificent puffy grey mullet I’ve ever seen and I tried to get a photo of it with my camera phone but I was in a school zone and had to stop at a crosswalk because some stupid kid got in my way. So all I got was this: And I’m [...]
Continue reading about Probably the Most Patriotic Post You Will Ever Read.
