Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world. He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day. And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails. For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming [...]

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Continue reading about Death By Toenail

Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Continue reading about Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets

Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

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Continue reading about WTF, Dan Fogelberg?

Bejewell on July 1st, 2013

A few things: You can’t pretend to be smarter than me and say things like “Accident happens” at the same time. I start to get silly with the pool noodle at right about the same time that I realize I’m losing the argument. We did not have to do the dishes after this.  ”And let [...]

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Continue reading about Just Another Night at Home

Bejewell on October 17th, 2012

Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]

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Continue reading about How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas

A couple of months ago I scaled back my hours at the Department of Melancholy so I could (1) concentrate on freelance work and (B) avoid stabbing myself in the face because the people in my office were making me feel JUST REAL FACE STABBY during the entire months of September-October-November-December-and-January. At the time (and [...]

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Continue reading about I Need a Surgical Mask, Full Body Armor and a Really Long Vacation

Bejewell on February 14th, 2011

Traffic My hair Shitty Grammy Award recaps Valentine’s Day This fucking dog The number of people who keep telling me how “underrated” my blog is Twitter People who ignore me on Twitter Facebook People who ignore me on Facebook Sugar highs Sugar lows THE FUCKING CHEERFUL HOLIDAY SWEATER LADY Overpriced bowling alleys Lady Antebellum Bruno [...]

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Continue reading about Things That Can Currently Suck It

So last night I was doing my weekly holy-shit-it’s-Sunday-night-and-none-of-us-have-clean-underwear laundry when an enormous cockroach scurried across the floor and when I say “scurried across the floor” I mean “tried to attack me and eat my face off” and when I say “enormous” that really doesn’t do it justice but I’ve spent the last twenty minutes [...]

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Continue reading about I’m Pretty Sure a Giant, Genetically-Altered Cockroach is Going to Eat My Face Off at the Gym Today

Bejewell on August 12th, 2010

So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance.  (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.”  [...]

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Continue reading about Come On, You Know You Missed Me

Bejewell on June 24th, 2010
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Continue reading about Summer Break Continues: Fly Fishing Sucks