Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

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Bejewell on May 25th, 2013

You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]

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Bejewell on December 12th, 2012

The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE. Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the [...]

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Bejewell on November 4th, 2012

Yesterday the Bean and I went to a carnival. We found it totally by accident, on our way to another event called “Touch a Truck” which was basically just a huge, dusty field lined with big trucks, a partially deflated bouncy house, and a big pile of dirt for kids to fuck around in and [...]

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Bejewell on April 5th, 2012

Suddenly today I feel like I should write something here. Probably because it’s been like three months since I wrote anything on this stupid blog (unless you count that time last month when I told the Jesus pamphlet people to suck it) (which I don’t and probably nobody else does, either), but it also could [...]

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Bejewell on February 14th, 2011

Traffic My hair Shitty Grammy Award recaps Valentine’s Day This fucking dog The number of people who keep telling me how “underrated” my blog is Twitter People who ignore me on Twitter Facebook People who ignore me on Facebook Sugar highs Sugar lows THE FUCKING CHEERFUL HOLIDAY SWEATER LADY Overpriced bowling alleys Lady Antebellum Bruno [...]

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Bejewell on September 14th, 2010

Hi. I haven’t written anything in a while.  Maybe you’ve noticed.  Probably you haven’t.  Whatever.  I guess I should be more concerned about that, or more apologetic for my absence, or more… well, something, but the truth is I’m in the middle of a big, ugly, funky FUNK right now and we’re probably ALL better [...]

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Bejewell on August 12th, 2010

So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance.  (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.”  [...]

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So tomorrow is Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day is the kind of holiday I’d normally think is total bullshit and want to stab people for celebrating, but because I actually AM a mom now and thus stand to benefit from its bullshit, I’ve decided that MOTHER’S DAY IS AWESOME.  And not bullshit at all.  Because [...]

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