Bejewell on August 12th, 2010

So after much deliberation and one absolutely SPECTACULAR summer break, I’ve decided NOT to kill the blog for good but instead to come back with a fiery vengeance.  (And by “fiery vengeance,” I mean “maybe I’ll write a post every now and then, if I happen to remember and don’t have anything better to do.”  [...]

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Continue reading about Come On, You Know You Missed Me

So tomorrow is Mother’s Day and Mother’s Day is the kind of holiday I’d normally think is total bullshit and want to stab people for celebrating, but because I actually AM a mom now and thus stand to benefit from its bullshittiness, MOTHERS DAY IS AWESOME.  And not bullshit at all.  Because I want lots [...]

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Continue reading about Mother’s Day is Bullshit Until You’re a Mother and Then It’s AWESOME

A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

Bejewell on April 28th, 2010

Please stop. Sincerely,

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Continue reading about A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

So last week the Big Bean and I made a list of things that we want to do to fix up the house and also have fun this spring/summer and it turns out our list is about 150 items long and is going to cost us at least one million dollars.  After we added it [...]

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Continue reading about It’s Just Amazing I Haven’t Been Snatched Up as Somebody’s Life Coach Already

Bejewell on December 10th, 2009

Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do.  And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my little Bean is discovering Christmas for the first time, with the trees and the tinsel and the gifts and the stockings, and we’re suddenly VERY concerned about our status [...]

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Continue reading about WTF, Dan Fogelberg?

OH MY GOD I AM SO THIRSTY.  I’ve been on the couch all day eating pretzels and watching TV and playing on my computer (NOT PORN, YOU PERVS) and I need more Diet Coke but I haven’t gotten up for it because that involves me, well, getting up, and this is my day off so FUCK [...]

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Continue reading about Almost Dying of Thirst Will Make You Say and Do Crazy Things (Updated Title: Don’t Ask a Midget to Marry You Unless You Really Mean It)

Today I learned that “unfriending” someone on Facebook is the Ultimate Form of Insult, and by “learned” I mean that someone did it to me and by “insult” I mean “Really? B-b-but… I thought we were (sniff) f-f-f-friends? (sniff).” It totally hurt my feelings and made me feel all stabby and hateful, because being stabby [...]

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Continue reading about People Who “Unfriend” Me Can Suck It (Alternate Title: Is It Safe to Come Out Yet?)

I’d planned to pull something out of my ass write a real post today but this is pretty much my last day to pretend to get my shit together before I have to do a bunch of unnecessary work created for me by the assholes who decided to schedule birthday parties and company picnics and [...]

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Continue reading about I Kind of Hate This Post and You Probably Will Too but You Should Read It Anyway Because I Need the Traffic

Wow, I’m really racking up quite the list of people who might want to murder me lately.  I just added number five, and that’s a lot for me.  Well, okay, it’s one above average.  But still.  I keep a People-Who-Should-Be-Investigated-in-the-Event-of-my-Death List in my desk drawer at work so in case anything ever happens to me the [...]

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Continue reading about It’s Really Only a Matter of Time until Someone Stabs Me, and That is Why This List is Necessary

Holy SHIT it’s been a long time since I posted anything here.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I mean, besides the consumption, and the fact that after I recovered from consumption the Bean got sick, and then the BIG Bean got sick, and when the Big Bean is sick it’s not like when [...]

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Continue reading about I May Have No Soul, but I Make an Awesome Naughty Nurse when the Costume’s Clean