Bejewell on December 12th, 2012

The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE. Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the [...]

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Continue reading about Recently Rejected Blog Post Topics

Bejewell on November 6th, 2012

So this week I learned that David Gandy exists. Do you know who David Gandy is? No? Well, let me enlighten you. THIS is David Gandy: Uh, yeah. David Gandy EXISTS, y’all. He exists like a motherfucker. He can exist the hell out of me, anytime he wants. I found him by accident, doing something [...]

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Bejewell on October 17th, 2012

Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]

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Bejewell on September 10th, 2012

Dear Old Lady Who Thinks She’s the Boss of Me: I don’t know if you know this, but I’m FIVE. And when you turn five, that means YOU get to be the boss and you don’t have to listen to your mom OR your dad, especially when they’re telling you that it’s not “healthy” to [...]

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Continue reading about The Bean’s New Rules

1. Completed Phase One (and only Phase One) of Operation: Finally Clean Out My Ridiculously Overcrowded Closet. This basically involved yanking out random items to create a precariously tall pile on the floor of my already-inconveniently small bathroom, where they still sit, threatening to collapse at any moment, while I start-and-don’t-finish tons of other unnecessary [...]

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Continue reading about Things I’ve Done This Week Instead of Working Because I Have a Looming Deadline, a Problem with Authority and Terribly Self-Destructive Tendencies

Each one of the terms below has been used to find my blog in recent weeks, through Google or another search engine. I have categorized them for your easy reference. You’re welcome. Before you browse, though, let me just clarify: EACH OF THESE WAS, AT SOME POINT, TYPED INTO A SEARCH ENGINE BY A HUMAN [...]

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Continue reading about Latest Search Terms: Weiners, Midgets, Missing Forks and That Bitch Karen

So there’s this new show on HBO about royal families in some kind of weird medieval fantasy world, I forget what it’s called but it’s got a horny dwarf who whores his way around the countryside and another guy who likes giving the meat to his twin sister, which is just ALL KINDS of ick [...]

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Continue reading about Midgets, Incest and Pony Play – Just Another Run of the Mill Blog Post Here at The Bean

Bejewell on April 30th, 2011

Hi. If you’re here because you saw me speak today as part of Listen To Your Mother and now you’re looking for more cute, silly little poems with no cursing… um… well… yeah. You’re pretty much fucked. I DO write those on occasion — in fact, you can find one of the poems I read [...]

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Continue reading about WORD to Yo Mutha

Every year for Christmas the BFF gives me the Bag O’Crap. The Bag O’Crap is filled with awesome shit that makes me laugh, like my Buddha Belly Bookends and the sarcastic 8-ball and The Villain’s Guide to Better Living and my Sigmund Freud action figure. And most of it lives on my desk at work [...]

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Bejewell on September 2nd, 2010

So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE [...]

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Continue reading about End of an Era