I wash my hair I wash my face I wash my body all over the place And when I reach that one spot, there… There’s always a glob of hair. As the shampoo rinses From each long tress Some falls from my head in a graceful mess I don’t notice it trail right down my [...]
The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE. Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the [...]
So this week I learned that David Gandy exists. Do you know who David Gandy is? No? Well, let me enlighten you. THIS is David Gandy: Uh, yeah. David Gandy EXISTS, y’all. He exists like a motherfucker. He can exist the hell out of me, anytime he wants. I found him by accident, doing something [...]
Disclaimer: The title of this post is “How I Spent Three Hours Looking at Fake Vaginas.” I called it that because I actually DID look at fake vaginas, and then I wrote about it. Here. In this post. There are also pictures of fake vaginas. Here. In this post. If you don’t want to see [...]
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Dear Old Lady Who Thinks She’s the Boss of Me: I don’t know if you know this, but I’m FIVE. And when you turn five, that means YOU get to be the boss and you don’t have to listen to your mom OR your dad, especially when they’re telling you that it’s not “healthy” to [...]
1. Completed Phase One (and only Phase One) of Operation: Finally Clean Out My Ridiculously Overcrowded Closet. This basically involved yanking out random items to create a precariously tall pile on the floor of my already-inconveniently small bathroom, where they still sit, threatening to collapse at any moment, while I start-and-don’t-finish tons of other unnecessary [...]
Each one of the terms below has been used to find my blog in recent weeks, through Google or another search engine. I have categorized them for your easy reference. You’re welcome. Before you browse, though, let me just clarify: EACH OF THESE WAS, AT SOME POINT, TYPED INTO A SEARCH ENGINE BY A HUMAN [...]
Continue reading about Latest Search Terms: Weiners, Midgets, Missing Forks and That Bitch Karen
So there’s this new show on HBO about royal families in some kind of weird medieval fantasy world, I forget what it’s called but it’s got a fuck-happy dwarf who whores his way around the countryside and another guy who likes giving the meat to his twin sister, which is just ALL KINDS OF ICK [...]
Hi. If you’re here because you saw me speak today as part of Listen To Your Mother and now you’re looking for more cute, silly little poems with no cursing… um… well… yeah. You’re pretty much fucked. I DO write those on occasion — in fact, you can find one of the poems I read [...]
Every year for Christmas the BFF gives me the Bag O’Crap. The Bag O’Crap is filled with awesome shit that makes me laugh, like my Buddha Belly Bookends and the sarcastic 8-ball and The Villain’s Guide to Better Living and my Sigmund Freud action figure. And most of it lives on my desk at work [...]
Continue reading about The BFF, the Bag O’Crap, Cranberry Sauce and My Exceptionally Strong Toenails
