End of an Era

So I don’t know if you’ll remember this but I’ve spent the past five years working next to a guy who is gross and creepy and horrible and I’ve spent a lot of time air-strangling him and making obscene gestures at him from behind our shared cubicle wall and quoting him on Twitter while HE [...]

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Continue reading about Dear Midget Friend: I Hope You’re Happy

So last night after I published this post about search terms I got an email from my midget friend (a.k.a. My Second or Possibly Third Husband) and he was all, “What, no midget searches? There were a ton of midget searches on your last post about keywords” and I was all, “Gee, I guess nobody’s [...]

Continue reading about I Can’t Think of a Good Title for This Post so Let’s Just Call it “MIDGETS”

So someone found my blog today using the search term “why does my ass smell like cheetos” and it made me realize that it’s been a while since I reviewed my blog search terms.  I may have been on summer break, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been keeping tabs on the search terms people [...]

Continue reading about I’m Really Sorry But I Actually Have No Idea Why Your Ass Smells Like Cheetos

So tonight I went to an open house for a local spa/salon which sounds really fancy but in reality was just kind of awkward.  At least it WAS until the BFF and I found the wine. Then it was just awkward for the other people around us.  Ask Lotus.  She was there.  I’m sure she’d [...]

Continue reading about Drunk Blogging is the New Drunk Dialing But More Awesome Because It’s on the Internet

Please stop. Sincerely,

Continue reading about A Note to the Lady Who’s My “Friend” on Facebook Even Though I’m Not Exactly Sure How We Know Each Other but I Don’t Want to “Unfriend” You Because You Could Be a Serial Killer for All I Know and I Don’t Think “Unfriending” a Serial Killer Is a Very Good Idea because I’m not a Serial Killer but I STILL Wanted to Punch that One Guy in the Balls When He “Unfriended” Me that One Time, so I Can Only Imagine What a Serial Killer Like You Would Want to Do to Me if I “Unfriended” You, Especially if It Turns Out that We Were Really Good Friends at Some Point but I Forgot Because My Memory is Shot After Years of Recreational Drug Use, or Possibly Because I’m Just SO Smart that My Brain Has Started to Purge All Unnecessary Information to Make Room for the Really Important Stuff like the Facts that (1) Humans and Hyenas Are the Only Carnivorous Mammals without a Penis Bone and (2) All Polar Bears Are Left-Handed, so I’m Still Your “Friend” Even Though I Don’t Know You but You Keep Sending Me All These Helpful “Suggestions” to Join Facebook Groups and Telling Me I Should Become a “Fan” of Shit I Have Absolutely No Interest In and the Whole Thing is Just Really Pissing Me Off and *Almost* Makes Me Want to “Unfriend” You Anyway and Just Take My Chances that You’ll Come After Me with Some Kind of Weapon (but I’m Really Hoping You’ll Just Poison Me Instead Because I Read Somewhere Once that Female Serial Killers Are Much More Likely to Use Poison than Any Other Method of Murder and that Seems Like It Would be Preferable to Getting Stabbed or Shot but then Again What If It’s a Poison that Makes You Suffer Horrible Abdominal Pain or Fart Blood or Something Before You Die, then I Think I Would Rather Just Get Stabbed, If It’s All the Same to You)

Today I saw the most magnificent puffy grey mullet I’ve ever seen and I tried to get a photo of it with my camera phone but I was in a school zone and had to stop at a crosswalk because some stupid kid got in my way.  So all I got was this: And I’m [...]

Continue reading about Probably the Most Patriotic Post You Will Ever Read.

So I have this friend with a birthday coming up and I didn’t really know what to get him so I went to Amazon.com because they have, like, EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD THAT HAS EVER BEEN CREATED SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME but it turns out, it’s kind of hard to sort through EVERYTHING IN [...]

Continue reading about I’m Reasonably Sure the Weiner-Shaped Bubble Gum Shipment Was Just a Happy Accident

So today I had lunch with a bunch of people that I went to school with a thousand years ago and one of those people was my friend Paula, who has new boobs.  Paula is awesome despite the fact that she was a willing participant in the Duran Duran Fan Club that kicked me out [...]

Continue reading about I Don’t Know Why It’s So Hard for Me to Just Say Congratulations on Your New Boobs

Just a few totally random things about me (wink, wink) that I felt like sharing today, not for any particular reason (wink) but just because I like you and want you to know me a little better (wink, wink). I have a superduperawesomefantastichilariouslyfunny new column over at FunnyNotSlutty.com.  This month’s piece is called 9 Reasons [...]

Continue reading about A Plug for Something Else I Wrote, Cleverly Disguised as a List of Random Bullshit