IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me… Thank you profusely. Do NOT hold the door open for me… Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm. Tell me what to do… Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said. Tell me I can’t do something… Prove you wrong. Cut [...]
THINGS I IMAGINE MYSELF DOING WITH THE $100 BILL I JUST FOUND 1. Purchase a large collection of inappropriate, offensive t-shirts. Wear a different one each day to daycare pick-up. 2. Search iTunes for the word “douche” and download every item with that word in the title until money runs out. 3. Professionally photographed Facebook [...]
So over the weekend my friend Big Boobs and I took our kids to Sea World, and there are a lot of things I could say about that but right now all I can think about is how the hell am I going to pay my bills after the HUGE ass-beating my wallet just took [...]
Continue reading about Shamu Can Suck It. Dolphins Are Where It’s At
A couple of months ago, we bought The New Car. Correction. The Big Bean bought The New Car. I’ve driven The New Car exactly one time (before it was even “ours,” when we were still in the “test drive” phase — as soon as it actually belonged to “us” those privileges were immediately revoked). I’ve actually only [...]
Sometimes water falls from the sky. This is called rain. It is not something that should scare you. It is just a part of nature. (It’s true, we haven’t seen much rain here in Austin over the past year. Some of you may have forgotten what it is. Just rest assured that it is totally [...]
Continue reading about A Public Service Announcement to the Drivers in Austin, Texas
Hey, remember that post I wrote recently about what a sick Peeping Tom I am and how I find the Fake Sam Elliot Dude in our neighborhood both creepy and fascinating? And then the Immoral Matriarch was all, “But I LOVE Sam Elliott! He’s sex-ay!” and I was all, “Well you can HAVE the fake [...]
So, the little Bean *nearly* broke his nose a couple of weekends ago in a couch surfing attempt that went horribly awry. I pretty much knew it was going to end badly when I saw him in the laundry basket on the couch, teetering dangerously close to the edge and looking VERY excited about that, but [...]
… the big equipment vehicle passes you on your right. You Know You’re A Social Media Whore When… … you immediately update your FaceBook and MySpace profiles with “I’m in the wrong lane! Big equipment vehicle just passed me on my right!” from your phone with one hand while still sitting in traffic. You Know [...]
Continue reading about You Know You’re in the Wrong Lane When…
HIM: I need to drop the Jeep off at the shop. Will you meet me there and pick me up? ME: No. HIM: Umm, YES? ME: Well, okay. But I don’t know where the shop IS. You will have to give me EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS. HIM: Oh, it’s easy. It’s just over there where we bought [...]
Continue reading about A Conversation Beyond Normal Human Comprehension
