Bejewell on September 22nd, 2014

I’ve eaten too much Not a single bite more can pass between these lips (Unless, of course, our server comes by and refills the tortilla chips.)

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Bejewell on March 14th, 2014

Today is National Pi Day. Pi is a really really long number that has something to with circles. It’s important for a lot of big reasons that a lot of very smart people understand. On Pi Day they get super excited and talk about it a lot. And that’s everything I know about Pi. In [...]

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Bejewell on February 23rd, 2014

There’s this little book I wrote called Something Smells Like Pee It’s filled with witty poems and a sketch or two or three Now it’s published and for sale and what I’d like to see Are great reviews and many, many checks of royalty I’m out here hawking it to all my friends and family [...]

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Bejewell on February 19th, 2014

So, I did this thing where I spent 27 years* writing a book and now that it’s done I fucking hate it. I mean, I don’t actually hate the book itself – That would be ridiculous! It’s an awesome book! – but I DO hate that I spent 36 years* working on it and now [...]

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Bejewell on December 20th, 2013

The Apocalypse is here and it is not what you expected No nuke weapons, gamma rays or UFOs detected There’s been no viral outbreak and no zombies hunt for brains No daring last-minute escapes from torrential rains No comets hurtling toward Earth, no global overcrowd, and so far Jesus has not floated in atop a [...]

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Bejewell on July 16th, 2013

I know that you’re just boys I know you’re only six But if you make my kid cry I will punch you in your dicks.

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Bejewell on May 25th, 2013

You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]

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Bejewell on November 9th, 2012

Welcome home, little plant I hope happiness fills you In the short time you’re here Before my black thumb kills you.

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Bejewell on November 2nd, 2012

Note: This poem is included in my amazing book Something Smells Like Pee, which is currently available for sale in both e-book and paperback formats on,, and other super groovy places. All the cool kids are buying it! He’s sexy and sparkly, all girls’ true desire. So what if he’s an old, dead vampire? [...]

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Bejewell on June 27th, 2012

Since we first met, we’ve been best of friends Held hands and each other’s hair, time and again We’ve stood, strong and tall, through thick and through thin, and We’re on our periods together. Our husbands and children, all like family, too They love, laugh and bicker just like we used to, but When Auntie [...]

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