You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]
There’s a cramp in my left leg And a sharp pain in my neck When I get up in the morning I’ll still feel both, I suspect There’s a leg wrapped ‘round my belly Slightly shorter than my own An elbow jabs and pokes and stabs Between my shoulder bones A smallish hand is draped [...]
Welcome home, little plant I hope happiness fills you In the short time you’re here Before my black thumb kills you.
Note: This poem is included in my amazing book Something Smells Like Pee, which is currently available for sale in both e-book and paperback formats on Amazon.com, barnesandnoble.com, and other super groovy places. All the cool kids are buying it! He’s sexy and sparkly, all girls’ true desire. So what if he’s an old, dead vampire? [...]
Since we first met, we’ve been best of friends Held hands and each other’s hair, time and again We’ve stood, strong and tall, through thick and through thin, and We’re on our periods together. Our husbands and children, all like family, too They love, laugh and bicker just like we used to, but When Auntie [...]
Your baby is so ugly Your baby is so gross I don’t want to touch it I don’t want it close Please don’t make me hold it Or pretend to think it’s cute It scares me, with its face that’s so Misshapen and hirsute I know you love it dearly And I think that’s very [...]
It started as a little pile A little pile, of dirty style To wash it would just take a while A very short, short while. But my life was busy, so I let it grow, even though I needed clean and folded clothes I really let it go. The family just kept adding more The [...]
“What we need is a BIG day of prayer!” Shouted Governor Perry with flair But Rick, I’ve no doubt That we’re in this damned drought Because Jesus hates you and your hair.
“Where did all the lotion go?” asked the lady of the fly. “It’s morning, and I need it so! My skin’s so very dry!” “I use my lotion every day but lately seem to find, no matter what I do that bottle’s empty all the time!” “Could it be a lotion gnome, who’s sneaking in [...]
There’s a lollipop in my hair There’s a lollipop in my hair It’s strange how much I do not care About the lollipop in my hair. My boy was so happy at first, with his treat But his body was moving too fast for his feet And all of a sudden — FALL DOWN! GO [...]