Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world. He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day. And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails. For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming [...]

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Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong Cut [...]

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Continue reading about Action:Reaction

Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Continue reading about Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets

Bejewell on December 20th, 2013

The Apocalypse is here and it is not what you expected No nuke weapons, gamma rays or UFOs detected There’s been no viral outbreak and no zombies hunt for brains No daring last-minute escapes from torrential rains No comets hurtling toward Earth, no global overcrowd, and so far Jesus has not floated in atop a [...]

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Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

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Bejewell on September 20th, 2013

Good night. Love,

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Bejewell on July 16th, 2013

I know that you’re just boys I know you’re only six But if you make my kid cry I will punch you in your dicks.

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Bejewell on July 1st, 2013

A few things: You can’t pretend to be smarter than me and say things like “Accident happens” at the same time. I start to get silly with the pool noodle at right about the same time that I realize I’m losing the argument. We did not have to do the dishes after this.  ”And let [...]

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Bejewell on May 25th, 2013

You want to merge? Why yes, of course. Here, let me just ease back. Why don’t you merge? Can you not see There’s room now on the track? Okay, I guess You’ve changed your mind And want to come in from behind So I speed up But then you do, too And CUT in the [...]

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Bejewell on April 29th, 2013

OHMYGOD would you STOP with the coughing, already? All you do is cough cough cough and it’s so loud I can’t hear my stories!!! And when you finally catch your breath you just complain about your stupid tuberculosis or Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome or whatever. It’s like you don’t even care about ME at all. [...]

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