Bejewell on October 20th, 2016

HONEY WAKE UP I NEED YOU Hmrphmrph HONEY WAKE UP RIGHT NOW zzzzz THERE’S A MOUSE GODDAMMIT COME ON [Big Bean pulls covers off my head] YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CATCH THE MOUSE Mmm k gimme a minute NOW, HONEY. GET UP, HONEY Ok ok I’m up whatsa mouse what? THERE’S A FUCKING MOUSE [...]

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So. Y’all. (And by “y’all,” I mean the three people likely to read this, two of whom got here by searching for midget porn and that one pervy guy in Denver who keeps downloading the picture of the slutty girls.) Let’s talk. *** This blog. It sucks. I know. I don’t even think you can [...]

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Continue reading about In Which I Make Up for Years of More-or-Less Silence With a Ridiculously and Unnecessarily Long Post

Before: Sure, I’ll have some pot! What could possibly go wrong? After: Wow, I probably shouldn’t have smoked that pot. Oh, dear. I think I might have had too much pot. Wait, you can’t have “too much pot”! That’s ridiculous! People don’t overdose from pot! Pot. Pot. Pooooooooooootttttt. Potty Potty POT! (ducking) SHITWHAT’STHATNOISE??!? Are we [...]

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Continue reading about My Inner Dialogue Before and After Smoking Copious Amounts of Pot at the Slash Concert

Bejewell on September 22nd, 2014

I’ve eaten too much Not a single bite more can pass between these lips (Unless, of course, our server comes by and refills the tortilla chips.)

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Bejewell on August 28th, 2014

If you’re currently growing out your facial hair and considering the Full Beard + No Mustache option — but you’re unsure if this is the right look for you — please ask yourself the following questions: 1.  Are you Amish? 2. Are you Abraham Lincoln? 3. Are you a leprechaun? 4. Are you Uncle Sam? [...]

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Continue reading about The Cosmo Quiz: Facial Hair Edition

AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers used to waiting in long lines at a local Target store’s three open checkout lanes were baffled this Saturday when a fourth register was opened. “We all just stood there, staring at each other,” said Nina Martin, a mom of three who was fifth in line at Lane 26 in the Parmer/I-35 North [...]

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Continue reading about Target Store Opens More than Three Checkout Lanes; Shoppers Confused

Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world. He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day. And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails. For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming [...]

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Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong Cut [...]

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Continue reading about Action:Reaction

Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Continue reading about Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets

Bejewell on December 20th, 2013

The Apocalypse is here and it is not what you expected No nuke weapons, gamma rays or UFOs detected There’s been no viral outbreak and no zombies hunt for brains No daring last-minute escapes from torrential rains No comets hurtling toward Earth, no global overcrowd, and so far Jesus has not floated in atop a [...]

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