Bejewell on September 22nd, 2014

I’ve eaten too much Not a single bite more can pass between these lips (Unless, of course, our server comes by and refills the tortilla chips.)

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Bejewell on August 28th, 2014

If you’re currently growing out your facial hair and considering the Full Beard + No Mustache option — but you’re unsure if this is the right look for you — please ask yourself the following questions: 1.  Are you Amish? 2. Are you Abraham Lincoln? 3. Are you a leprechaun? 4. Are you Uncle Sam? [...]

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Continue reading about The Cosmo Quiz: Facial Hair Edition

AUSTIN, TX—Shoppers used to waiting in long lines at a local Target store’s three open checkout lanes were baffled this Saturday when a fourth register was opened. “We all just stood there, staring at each other,” said Nina Martin, a mom of three who was fifth in line at Lane 26 in the Parmer/I-35 North [...]

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Bejewell on June 29th, 2014

The Big Bean is one of my favorite people in the world. He’s a great husband. A wonderful father. A good friend. He works hard to provide for his family. He makes me laugh every day. And last night, he almost killed me with his toenails. For years I’ve joked about his poor foot grooming [...]

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Bejewell on April 24th, 2014

IF YOU… I WILL… Hold the door open for me Thank you profusely Do NOT hold the door open for me Thank you anyway, with dripping sarcasm Tell me what to do Take great pleasure in doing exactly the opposite of whatever you just said Tell me I can’t do something Prove you wrong Cut [...]

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Continue reading about Action:Reaction

Originally published February 3, 2011. Republishing today because… I don’t know. It’s fucking cold, okay, and we all need to lighten up. Nothing funnier than witch’s tits and roasted Shih Tzus, I always say. Stay warm, y’all. —– Yesterday when I woke up it was 17 degrees outside, and the reason I know this is [...]

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Continue reading about Old Post Re-Tread: I’m Not Actually Sure HOW Cold A Witch’s Tit Gets

Bejewell on December 20th, 2013

The Apocalypse is here and it is not what you expected No nuke weapons, gamma rays or UFOs detected There’s been no viral outbreak and no zombies hunt for brains No daring last-minute escapes from torrential rains No comets hurtling toward Earth, no global overcrowd, and so far Jesus has not floated in atop a [...]

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Bejewell on December 17th, 2013

First published December 10, 2009. I’m trotting it out again because it still holds true, and also because LOOK AT MY BABY WHO’S NOT A BABY ANYMORE. (SOB) ————— Listen, I love the holidays as much as the next guy, I really do. And I love them even MORE this year, because this year my [...]

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Bejewell on September 20th, 2013

Good night. Love,

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Bejewell on July 16th, 2013

I know that you’re just boys I know you’re only six But if you make my kid cry I will punch you in your dicks.

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