OHMYGOD would you STOP with the coughing, already? All you do is cough cough cough and it’s so loud I can’t hear my stories!!! And when you finally catch your breath you just complain about your stupid tuberculosis or Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome or whatever. It’s like you don’t even care about ME at all. [...]
I’m trying to understand why every person in the world* loves Downton Abbey so much but so far I’m drawing a blank. I suppose I’d get some insight if I actually WATCHED Downton Abbey, but what I’m finding is that the more people try to make me feel like a stupid asshole for NOT watching [...]
The endless cycle of Beej’s hair: grow out, get bored, cut, cry, grow out, get bored, cut, cry, and so on A “party” where you are expected to buy shit is NOT a party. It is a SALE. Hiding Out and Soul Man: Proof that both racism and statutory rape were a lot funnier in the [...]
Welcome home, little plant I hope happiness fills you In the short time you’re here Before my black thumb kills you.
So this week I learned that David Gandy exists. Do you know who David Gandy is? No? Well, let me enlighten you. THIS is David Gandy: Uh, yeah. David Gandy EXISTS, y’all. He exists like a motherfucker. He can exist the hell out of me, anytime he wants. I found him by accident, doing something [...]
ME: Are you ready for some amazing news? BIG BEAN: Oh, lord. ME: No, really. This is fucking AMAZING. BIG BEAN: Here we go. ME: Wells Fargo has this new thing where you can take a PICTURE of a CHECK and send it in to deposit it!! You don’t even have to go to the [...]
Continue reading about It’s Still an Amazing Advance in Technology
Curling gel Curling mousse Curling spray Curling irons Any product that says “Guaranteed to make your straight hair curly!” Hot rollers Twisty rollers Diffusers Diffusers with gel Diffusers with mousse Diffusers with root lifter Diffusers with thickening cream Leave-in curling conditioner Hot water Cold water Salt water Bobby pins That stupid sock idea Any instructions [...]
Continue reading about Things that Do NOT Make Naturally Straight Hair into Cute and Curly Hair
I originally wrote this a couple of years ago, as a guest post for my friend John at Living With Balls. It remains one of my mom’s favorites, so I’m re-posting it for her. Also, because I’m (semi)determined to keep that promise I made to myself, to post something here once a week — but [...]
*** 1. Very carefully. 2. Through those glasses with the tiny holes in them that you wear when there’s an eclipse. 3. On TiVO. 4. Like a boss. 4. Via proxy server, so it’s anonymous. (Sometimes I leave a tacky comment, too.) 5.Like rain, on my wedding day. 6. Like a free ride, when I’m [...]
1. Completed Phase One (and only Phase One) of Operation: Finally Clean Out My Ridiculously Overcrowded Closet. This basically involved yanking out random items to create a precariously tall pile on the floor of my already-inconveniently small bathroom, where they still sit, threatening to collapse at any moment, while I start-and-don’t-finish tons of other unnecessary [...]
