Bejewell on November 9th, 2012

Welcome home, little plant I hope happiness fills you In the short time you’re here Before my black thumb kills you.

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Continue reading about Doomed

Bejewell on November 6th, 2012

So this week I learned that David Gandy exists. Do you know who David Gandy is? No? Well, let me enlighten you. THIS is David Gandy: Uh, yeah. David Gandy EXISTS, y’all. He exists like a motherfucker. He can exist the hell out of me, anytime he wants. I found him by accident, doing something [...]

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Bejewell on November 3rd, 2012

ME: Are you ready for some amazing news? BIG BEAN: Oh, lord. ME: No, really. This is fucking AMAZING. BIG BEAN: Here we go. ME: Wells Fargo has this new thing where you can take a PICTURE of a CHECK and send it in to deposit it!! You don’t even have to go to the [...]

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Continue reading about It’s Still an Amazing Advance in Technology

Curling gel Curling mousse Curling spray Curling irons Any product that says “Guaranteed to make your straight hair curly!” Hot rollers Twisty rollers Diffusers Diffusers with gel Diffusers with mousse Diffusers with root lifter Diffusers with thickening cream Leave-in curling conditioner Hot water Cold water Salt water Bobby pins That stupid sock idea Any instructions [...]

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Continue reading about Things that Do NOT Make Naturally Straight Hair into Cute and Curly Hair

I originally wrote this a couple of years ago, as a guest post for my friend John at Living With Balls. It remains one of my mom’s favorites, so I’m re-posting it for her. Also, because I’m (semi)determined to keep that promise I made to myself, to post something here once a week — but [...]

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Continue reading about Why I Will Never Be a Professional Sportscaster. Or Geography Teacher. Or Guest Poster.

*** 1. Very carefully. 2. Through those glasses with the tiny holes in them that you wear when there’s an eclipse. 3. On TiVO. 4. Like a boss. 4. Via proxy server, so it’s anonymous. (Sometimes I leave a tacky comment, too.) 5.Like rain, on my wedding day. 6. Like a free ride, when I’m [...]

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Continue reading about Possible Answers for the Person Who Keeps Leaving This Stupid Pamphlet on My Door

1. Completed Phase One (and only Phase One) of Operation: Finally Clean Out My Ridiculously Overcrowded Closet. This basically involved yanking out random items to create a precariously tall pile on the floor of my already-inconveniently small bathroom, where they still sit, threatening to collapse at any moment, while I start-and-don’t-finish tons of other unnecessary [...]

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Continue reading about Things I’ve Done This Week Instead of Working Because I Have a Looming Deadline, a Problem with Authority and Terribly Self-Destructive Tendencies

One of the things they don’t tell you before you have a kid is how your television will ultimately become an indispensible lifeline while simultaneously destroying all your values and everything you hold dear. Nickelodeon will eat your soul, then barf it up and leave it on the floor so later when you walk into [...]

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Continue reading about There’s Really No Point Here Except Maybe That I Hate Victoria Justice and Her Ass Face

Bejewell on August 11th, 2011
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Continue reading about Summer Break: Climbing Brow Mountain

Bejewell on August 6th, 2011
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Continue reading about Summer Break Continues: In the Cabinet