Bejewell on October 20th, 2008

There I was, just strolling along, minding my own business, doing my thing, happy as a little lark with my little lark friends — when the troll pounced. 

It came from out of nowhere — in fact, I didn’t even know it was there until its huge shadow blocked the sun from my face and I looked up to see it looming over me.  My lark friends scattered, but I was frozen.

Let me tell you, this was one scary motherfucker.  We’re not talking about the cute, fuzzy-haired, Americanized version of a troll.  We’re talking the full-on Scandinavian romantic-era folklore version – giant, ugly, smelly, savage, mean.  Sharp teeth and huge eyes bulging out of its nasty head. 


It towered over me, slimy drool dripping from its swollen lips, ready to snatch me up any second with its enormous claws to devour me, bones and all. 

I started to run, but in my fear I stumbled, and as I desperately climbed back to my feet I failed to see the large pit of quicksand before me.  Two steps in and I was trapped.  There I stood, feet sunk, powerless to do anything but stare up at this enormous, hideous beast as it moved in for the kill.  Quickly I looked around me, searching for some kind of weapon, anything I could use to fight this disgusting green monster.  But there was nothing.  Just the spit-out flesh and bones of past victims that didn’t agree with the troll’s digestive tract.

As I searched for hope, I found that others were trapped there, too.  We all stood silent, staring up at this revolting beast, wondering what would happen next.  I exchanged frightened glances with a few of them and it was clear that we were all thinking the same thing.  What was to become of us?  What had we done to deserve such an awful fate? 

We were a varied bunch, but we all shared one thing in common:  We had opened ourselves up to the world.  We had dared to share things about our deepest selves with others – hopes, dreams, grief, belief, humor, love.  We had done this in innocence, a simple attempt to connect with others.  But in doing so we had lifted a protective spell, and the hungry, slimy monster smelled our blood.

As I stood there with the others, paralyzed by quicksand, waiting for the revolting fiend to choose its first snack, a quick thought flashed:  “It is all over.”  I hung my head in resignation and closed my eyes, waiting for the inevitable.

But then, something happened.  Something, inside my head, HAPPENED.  Some part of me switched from “off” to “on,” and I heard a tiny voice cry, “Don’t give up!  You are worthy!”  It was faint, but just loud enough that I could hear the determination in its voice.  And I believed it.

My eyes snapped open.  I lifted my hanging head and looked the gruesome creature dead in the eye.  I was NOT going down without a fight.

It snarled at me and a revolting smell oozed from its mouth.  But I was not daunted.  I laughed in its face, a huge belly laugh of defiance.  I screamed, “YOU ARE NOTHING TO ME!” and I meant it.  I closed my eyes tightly and screamed it again, louder: 


And in that moment, a series of scenes began to flash upon the black screen behind my closed eyelids.  Time stopped as it all played out before me.

I saw my friends, the ones I know online and off, friends who encourage me and appreciate what I have to say, overlooking my many faults and forgiving me for my totally imperfect existence. 

I saw my parents, my mother and father and stepmother, who love me and support me no matter what, who are proud of me and tell me so all the time.   And my husband, who laughs at my stupid jokes even when they’re lame, because he thinks it’s funny that I think it’s funny, and who always reminds me that I’m special, with nothing more than a quick smile or a squeeze of my hand or a tiny kiss in passing. 

I saw my beautiful son, who is now, and will always be, the best thing I have ever done.

And with that, I knew I had beaten the monster.

I opened my eyes, and the giant beast was gone.  Sunlight covered my face again, my eyes squinted as they adjusted from the dark.  The foul stench of green slime lifted and fresh air surrounded me.  The quicksand had disappeared and my feet were once again free.  The others had been freed too, and we all took our first tentative steps, not sure if it was really over or if it was just wishful thinking. 

Where the scary troll had once stood there was now only empty space, except for one very small thing.  It was so tiny we couldn’t make it out from where we stood.  I approached it, cautious, but confident that I could defeat any monster that might take its place, because now I had a firm grasp of my special secret weapon – the people who really matter.  My heart wrapped even more tightly around them as I inched closer to whatever the vile, wicked creature had left in its wake.

But all I found was this:

It looked like something the Bean would like to play with. And rip the head off of. I smiled, put it in my pocket, and moved on with my life.

 And that is the end of this story.

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32 Responses to “The Attack of the Troll”

  1. Right on, sister.

    blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..And This Is Why I Never Get Anything Done

  2. That was awesome!

  3. Exactly. I struggled with this exact issue today. I like your response better.

    anymommys last blog post..Mommy Crack

  4. I will forever now link to this post instead of Wikipedia’s description of a troll. Brilliant.

    Kims last blog post..On Health Care

  5. I am fortunate to not have dealt with a troll (see you know htat’s how you know when you are really out there–you get trolls ;-) !) but they are a nasty bunch. Brilliant as usual!

    KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Lost In Translation

  6. That is awesome!

    Simply Shannons last blog post..Looking fine by 2009 week ?

  7. Good for you. And now when you get bored you can take him out and bite off his head. Should you be so inclined.

    Honeybells last blog post..More About My Nutcake Neighbors

  8. Awesome! :)

    ~ms last blog post..Weekend Edition, Konglish Style

  9. I love it.

    LOVE IT.

  10. That? Is awesome.

    all things BDs last blog post..Bugs and Hamsters

  11. Way to handle that troll, Beej! I too will link to your story next time I encounter one of those smelly, vile creatures.

    daddy dans last blog post..Ask The Bloggers: Week 2 – Time Travel

  12. and the trolls just keep getting bigger and bigger as you grow older because old folk imaginations are way more scary than a little kid’s, which is why Hans Christian Anderson was grownup when he wrote about trolls. Can you imagine a kid writing those fairy tales?
    and the best thing about trolls is you nailed ‘em.
    no more slime for me.

  13. You’ve absolutely nailed it (and extra points for the illustrations). Trolls aren’t even worth rising above, because rising above requires noticing them. And I think that gnat over there on left is far more deserving of your attention.

    Alias Mothers last blog post..Things I did instead of sleeping after the Buddha woke me up at 5 o’clock this morning

  14. awesome post! keep your head up seriously! there will always be negative people in this world (think I just told ya that..HA) but rise above them, are they really an important part of your life? nah, I think keep the ones that are and fuck the rest!

  15. Good reminder that no matter what happens or what people say to you, you have the strength inside to stand up to the trolls.

    Anastasias last blog post..The Freedom of Silence

  16. Well written and beautifully put. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this . . . way to rise above it.

    Shannons last blog post..Unscripted

  17. Wow, I hope I never have a troll, but now I know how to battle one. Thanks, brave one!

    Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..Weight for it…

  18. Amazing post!

    Rachaels last blog post..Exciting News!

  19. Can I say that was awesome too without being lame? Because it was.

  20. Word.

    Loralees last blog post..Seriously, So Awesome!

  21. Awesome troll post. If I ever get trolled, I’m linking back!

    dysfunctional moms last blog post..Spiderman Returns

  22. Meds finally took effect huh?

    LarryLilys last blog post..Great, now I am being told I am a woman

  23. The troll post did it…you’re going on my blog list immediately! :)

    Anastasias last blog post..The Freedom of Silence

  24. Very well done.

    Kailas last blog post..I choked on my burp.

  25. Everything that’s already been said totally sticks…

    foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..say my age, bitch!

  26. Thankfully, no trolls have lurked around the Trenches yet – but when/if I do get one – I’m totally linking to this! Great one.

    Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Nocturnal Emissions

  27. That was awesome.

    Zandors last blog post..I don’t get that

  28. Best post about a troll. Ever.

    andis last blog post..Tips for havoc-free child-outings

  29. Brilliant!

    Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Would You? Could You? Should You? The Orgasm Pill

  30. Good for you for realizing that they’re SOOOOO not worth it and irnically, YOU are the one that feeds it!

    Cocos last blog post..Worth a Thousand Words

  31. That was pure genius! Love it!

    Karens last blog post..Photo Hunt . . . Scary

  32. I think trolls are how you know you’ve arrived. I’m not popular enough to have a troll, which is sad, because I plan to post the lyrics to every Ray Charles song I know in answer to any troll. And when I’m done with Ray Charles, I’ll move on to Crash Test Dummies.

    That’ll larn ‘em.

    Sending you an e-mail, Miss Beej. :)

    – Laurie @ Foolery, happily listening to Ray Charles and sniffing for stinky trolls

    foolerys last blog post..So Not Fun to Be Dr. Drew

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