Do you ever drive somewhere and then get there and realize you have no actual memory of driving there? And you get a little freaked out because you were just behind the wheel of an automobile for at least half an hour with apparently no awareness of where you were or what you were doing? And you’re not really sure whether you should be proud of that fact or terrified?
That totally happened to me today and I decided to go with proud instead of terrified because (a) it IS kind of impressive and (b) if I let myself be terrified I might never drive again, and I can’t afford a chauffeur and buses take too long.
The more I think about it, the more I become convinced that there must be a tiny man living inside me, floating around in a little human-body-ship. My own personal autopilot. For the most part, in between calls, this guy just hangs out, tooling around in his little body-mobile, doing a lap or two to make sure everything’s working properly before returning to his station where he watches the security monitor on one screen and Oprah on another. (You know, a lot like a mall security guard, or that guy at the airport who drives people around in the little cart.)
But then the call comes in – ”She’s zoning out again!” — and the tiny autopilot guy shouts into his tiny walkie-talkie, “I’m on it!” and floats his little ship over to the part of my brain that controls driving, and plugs in or does whatever he does to take control, and then he expertly steers me, steering the car, until I get to where I’m going. And then he unplugs and yells into his walkie-talkie, “Mission accomplished!” or whatever somebody would say in a situation like that, and goes back to Oprah or People magazine until the next time I zone out and he’s needed again.
(I’m assuming that he would yell into the walkie-talkie because it would probably be pretty loud in there with all those whooshing body fluids, but hell, I don’t know, the little ship might be soundproofed so that’s probably not a fair assumption. He might be able to talk in just a regular voice. I really have no idea what kind of funding they had when they built this tiny ship so I couldn’t say.)
It’s just like that 80s movie Innerspace, except I’m pretty sure my tiny autopilot isn’t anywhere near as hot as Dennis Quaid. In fact, the way I’m picturing him he looks a lot like Sammy Davis, Jr. Maybe that’s because I’ve always liked Mr. Bojangles, or maybe because I saw Cannonball Run II like 500 times when I was a kid and Cinemax showed it every waking hour for about five months straight. (I also saw Innerspace at least that many times, for similar reasons, which probably explains this entire theory.)
So at this point I’ve spent most of the day not working and instead developing this complex hypothesis about the tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. autopilot who’s floating around inside my body in a possibly soundproofed human-body-exploring machine. When you think about it, it’s really pretty amazing. I mean, without tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. looking out for me, I could have had a terrible accident on the way to work this morning. And instead of spending my day wrapped up in the various issues obviously associated with all of this (like whether it’s really ethical for someone to inject a tiny person into me without my knowledge or consent, or HOW tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. was even put there in the first place – I’m guessing it would have to be through some kind of orifice, but which one? And when? And do I really want to know?), I’d be talking to police and insurance agents and rental car guys, and that would have been SUCH a pain in the ass. Not to mention, I could have been really hurt or something.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, Thank You, Tiny Sammy Davis, Jr. I owe you one.
Stumble it!
Tags: tiny autopilots, tiny Sammy Davis
October 21st, 2008 at 9:21 pm
it is official. You are a nut.
flutters last blog post..Off the deep end
October 21st, 2008 at 9:38 pm
If you ever, ever question why I stalk you, come back and read this post.
Stephs last blog post..Yeah, I might have to rant a little.
October 21st, 2008 at 9:55 pm
My tiny man is Ed Begley, Jr.
Isn’t that weird? Both are tiny men are juniors?
San Diego Mommas last blog post..PROMPTuesday #27: Trippin’
October 21st, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Oh crap. I meant “our” tiny men.
(Ed??!!!!! You really let me fuck up this time!)
San Diego Mommas last blog post..PROMPTuesday #27: Trippin’
October 21st, 2008 at 9:58 pm
i’m pretty sure it’s Sammy. After all, you both have done it your way.
October 21st, 2008 at 10:12 pm
If that which guides us is dictated by what we watched on Cinemax while growing up, that means every move I make is made thanks to the cast of Grease 2.
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..say my age, bitch!
October 21st, 2008 at 10:19 pm
My tiny little mouth is none other than Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
I’ll be driving along, and then I zone out when my blond undead little vampire man pipes up from the depths…
“Bloody Hell! She’s gone and done it again, bugger all! Right, lets get the cheeky cow out of here alive!”
Then he lights a cigarette and takes control and somehow I manage to make it home alive.
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Would You? Could You? Should You? The Orgasm Pill
October 21st, 2008 at 10:19 pm
WTF? I mean my tiny little “man”. Mouth? What was I thinking?
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Would You? Could You? Should You? The Orgasm Pill
October 21st, 2008 at 10:32 pm
and you and Sammy gotta be you.
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:09 am
You realize your tiny copilot has a glass eye, right? So when you go on autopilot you’re not seeing in stereo any more. Or binocular, or whatever it is with eyes. I think that’s kind of dangerous. Maybe you should upgrade your equipment.
threeundertwos last blog post..G.I.R.L. Party: Fine Food
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:27 am
I wonder why your tiny little man is not a woman? Maybe they started the inject tiny people in submarines into fully grown people program way back when women weren’t allowed to volunteer for the program.
I have those how-did-I-get-here moments once in a while and it kind of freaks me out too.
I love your theory. I also loved Innerspace when it came out…Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan…how could you go wrong with that?
Anastasias last blog post..Coffee Shop Dreams
October 22nd, 2008 at 7:57 am
I have no words.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Indoctrination
October 22nd, 2008 at 8:11 am
I do that far too often myself. I guess I have one of the Sammy Jr clones, too. Think it’s an epidemic?
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:22 am
Is he wearing an orange jumpsuit? In my version, he’s wearing an orange jumpsuit.
Alias Mothers last blog post..Things I did instead of sleeping after the Buddha woke me up at 5 o’clock this morning
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:29 am
So that is how I make it to work every morning. I really hadn’t thought about it much before now. It was just drop the boy off at school and *poof* half an hour later I’m at work. Now you have enlightened me. and FADKOG? I’m pretty sure my co-pilot is Cool Rider. Thank you.
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Bean, you are HILARIOUS!!! I just was wondering about little Sammy’s pay grade(it must be the government, right?) and how he takes vacations…in your toes? or does he have an auto-co-pilot, I envision John Candy’s dog character from Spaceballs(Mybe that’s just my own auto-pilot playing tricks, that takes care of things while he’s on his vacation? Hmm, now I am going to have trouble teaching today while I ponder your auto-pilot.
Jim Huffmans last blog post..Ansel Adams Eat Your Heart Out!
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Mine’s MacGyver. He rocks, except when he can’t find the duct tape.
October 22nd, 2008 at 11:16 am
Dude. I never thought about it that way until now. It all makes sense now. Awesome.
KD @ A Bit Squirrellys last blog post..Hillbillies, Hackers and Frat Boys, OH MY!
October 22nd, 2008 at 2:25 pm
No idea how you ended up so twisted…but I love you for it!
Simply Shannons last blog post..Just for kicks
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Hi! This is my first visit to your blog, and OMG: I love your blog. I just read the Troll post. I read the blurb on the front page. I… LOVE… your blog.
I also may have fallen in love with you, too.
Not in a creepy, stalky, ewwww kind of way. More like when Axel says, ‘I just fell in love with you, Billy,’ in Beverly Hills Cop. Like that.
goodfathers last blog post..Pulling the plug
October 22nd, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Sammy is totally the coolest autopilot ever.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..An open letter to Apple regarding dead hobo fingers
October 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I don’t think it could have been swallowed, if that is any comfort, because then you would have excreted him. I’m not sure about nasal injection: isn’t there a chance that instead of entering your lungs, he would instead head down your esophagus and then exit via the way mentioned above? That still leaves eyes and, ahem, ears.
My vote would be on a subcutaneous injection.
And those are my thoughts on the matter.
Drive on; there’s nothing to see here.
~ms last blog post..The Sad Lament; a Brief Poem
October 22nd, 2008 at 9:14 pm
This so happens to me all the time. I drive somewhere and then think how the heck did I just get here? I never imagined a little Sammy Davis Jr. though! I like your theory!!!
Blessings From Aboves last blog post..HELP ME!!!!!
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:27 am
OK. Let me get this straight. FADKOG has 13-year old Seth inside of her and you have The Candy Man?
Wow. I got me someone too, but I see now that I must give her a name.
October 23rd, 2008 at 10:39 am
You. are. hilarious.
And YES! I am constantly trying to remember how in the world I got to where I am. Will have to think about who my auto pilot is… Emily Dickinson would be v. dire and might actually want me to die en route. LOL just thinking about SD, Jr.
Sus @ Wiggleroomss last blog post..Frannie, With the Picture Book, in the Library.
October 23rd, 2008 at 6:26 pm
Please go pick up your awards at my blog.
Simply Shannons last blog post..Bloggy Love
October 23rd, 2008 at 7:57 pm
You have been tagged. Check my website to learn more. I know it’s a pain in the butoxs.
Lorrene Lemasters last blog post..I have beenTagged
October 23rd, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Brilliant. Yes, brilliant. You rock.
Jen @ Mommay’s Mayhems last blog post..A pretty rainbow
October 25th, 2008 at 7:31 am
Speaking of Sammy, did you read the new book, Deconstructing Sammy: Music Money Madness and the Mob…It’s shocking…Sammy died $15 million in debt. The mob put him there. And his wife ended up in poverty in Pennsylvania. Donald Rumsfeld is here (HUH?) along with a cast of cretens who ripped poor sammy off. Riveting book.
October 28th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
How the hell did I end up on this page?
Too, too funny. And the comments as well — threeundertwo put me UNDER. THE. TABLE.
At least, I think that’s how I got there.
My auto pilot is probably a non-driving ancient Jewish smartass guy, like Jackie Mason maybe. It would explain so much.
foolerys last blog post..So Not Fun to Be Dr. Drew
October 29th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
***Half-baked nerd comment warning***
I am commenting this based on memory of what I heard on the subject years ago as an undergrad so can’t remember all the details. Not sure if it was neurologists, shinks or both but this phenomenon has been studied and they have found that there are basically two types of brain wave activity things (oh so technical). When you are doing something you are not as familiar with your brain wave pattern is called I think alpha and it is actively engaged and has your full attention. When you are doing routine crap then your brain settles into a different pattern and you go into essentially auto-pilot. It is normal for it to go back and forth too, like if you are driving to work you can be on auto but then the traffic light changes, this catches your attention and you switch to alpha and stop. I think they hypothesized that it is the brain’s way of not wasting space in the memory banks for useless information, or perhaps it is a survival skill because being fully aware of every single menial thing you do would likely drive you completely insane. Either way, totally normal brain functioning =).
Karens last blog post..A Five Year Old’s Perspective on Virology
May 18th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Thanks for the tips. Good points to be thinking about!
December 22nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Funny how Fritz Henderson supposedly didn’t like rebadging cars, like the G8 as a Chevy (in this case the Chevy is a dog), but had no problem in rebadging the Opel Insignia as the Buick Regal, and the Chevy Cruze as another small Buick.
Starting to look like GM 1986, all over again. Eeeew!