In honor of Halloween, I’m going to tell you a little horror story about the scariest place I know.  Set yourselves up around the campfire, kiddies, and prepare to sit on the edge of your tushies while old Auntie Beej spins a scary yarn about the most frightening place you will never visit…

The top of my refrigerator.

I know, it may not seem that scary at first, but hear me out.  When you think of scary places, what do you think of? 

Cobwebs?  Got ‘em. 

Darkness?  Dankness?  Done.  And.  Done.  

Death and destruction?  Oh HELL YEAH. 

The top of my refrigerator is littered with the corpses of cookbooks and other assorted sort-of-kitchen-related items that were sent there to die a slow, painful, neglected death.  It’s a Useless Stuff Graveyard – and sadly, not the only one in my house.  This is because, much to the Big Bean’s exasperation:  (a) I am a total pack rat and (2) I am a “stacker” and (iii) I am ridiculously lazy. 

Every now and then I go nuts and clean out the graveyards and usually get bored about halfway through so I just throw everything out, but then like three days later I find myself searching for some random thing and after tearing the house apart I realize that it’s gone forever because I tossed it in my graveyard cleaning frenzy, and then I get unreasonably angry at the Big Bean and yell at him, “See?  DO YOU SEE?!?  THIS is why I never throw anything out!!” and he just sits there looking confused, which infuriates me even more, and I finally just throw my hands up and walk away mumbling words like “jackass” and “douche bag” under my breath.

(Note:  I also take an “out of sight, out of mind” approach to housekeeping – hence, the cobwebs.  And dust.  And other unspeakable ickiness.) 

Truthfully, I guess it’s a little unfair to call all of the stuff up there “useless.”  I’m sure most of those things could be very useful to SOMEONE — just not me.   As far as I know, the cookbooks feature all kinds of delicious recipes, but the truth is I have no way of knowing that because I don’t cook.  Most of them were bought either by or for the Big Bean, but he doesn’t cook, either.  Of course, the difference here is that he CHOOSES NOT to cook and I am simply UNABLE to cook, but either way those cookbooks are dead to us. 

There’s also a beer stein up there, left over from the days when the Big Bean managed a brewery.  It’s a nice beer stein, very pretty, and I’m sure it would have been extremely useful back in the brewery, but unless you have an actual beer TAP in your house, it’s pretty much useless.  Beer in our house is supplied by bottles or cans.  NOT steins.

(And NO, Big Bean, we cannot have a beer tap installed in the house.)

Oh, also, there’s this AWESOME cookbook that we have never used and never will, but we will also never throw out because of its obvious AWESOMENESS:

 

Is that dude picking his teeth after consuming a delicious meal consisting of an entire Mexican family?

This book has survived countless garage sales, because every time I look at it I giggle. This urge can be directly attributed to the same instinct that makes me laugh every time I drive past the Salvation Army’s new FAMILY STORE a few miles away.  (Who knew that the Salvation Army had entire families for sale? Ba-dum-BUMP!)

(Also, I am in the fifth grade.)

Of course, all of this dead stuff rests on a dead breakfast tray, one of a pair that I bought with visions of being served that elusive Breakfast in Bed — a pipe dream, apparently, that will never happen in my lifetime.  When I bought the set, this scene flashed through my mind — The Big Bean wakes me softly, whispering “Good morning, Goddess,” carrying this lovely tray in his hands, which is covered with a beautiful breakfast spread of pancakes (with plenty of butter) and bacon and coffee and a mimosa and a little vase with a rose in it, you know, like they ALWAYS have in the movies.  I rise, rub the sleep from my eyes, he places the tray gently on my lap, then gets the fuck out of my room and lets me enjoy my breakfast in peace.

Out here, in real life, there is no such thing as “peace” and I’m lucky to get a dry toaster waffle on a paper plate. 

(I don’t even know where the other breakfast tray is.  I think one of the cats might have puked on it.)

(We’re not really what you would call a “romantic” couple.)

Really, the only item on the top of the refrigerator that gets any regular play is the fly swatter, because our house has recently been besieged by a swarm of flies so vicious and persistent you’d think they were a tiny army of ninja kamikaze dive bombers.  They won’t get out of the goddamned kitchen, and as much as I hate killing any living creature I’ve got to admit that lately I’ve been getting a little charge out of blowing those babies away with my deadly fly weapon-on-a-stick.  I’ve pretty much perfected my shot at this point – I can do to a fly what Sarah Palin does to those poor mooses without breaking a sweat.  It’s a gift, really.

(Note:  I’ve been blaming the recent fly invasion on the warm weather, but now that I think about it, it *might* have something to do with the gross top of my refrigerator that I never clean.  Huh.) 

Anyway, I dare you to tell me that the top of my refrigerator is NOT the scariest place on earth.  It’s got all the elements of a good horror story – cobwebs, corpses, cannibalism – you name it. 

It’s got MYSTERY.  (What the hell IS that weird silver thing looming on top of the cabinet?)

It’s got MELANCHOLY.  (Just take a look at that sad stencil I tried to make pretty.  My stencil is MUCH sadder than that lame story about the girl who was jilted at her wedding and killed herself and now wanders abandoned dirt roads in a tattered wedding gown.  Puh-leeze.)

It’s even got SUSPENSE.  (“WILL Bejewell EVER clean the top of the refrigerator?  Or will the Attack of the Ninja Flies continue?  If she DOES find the courage to go up there, what other mysterious, icky dangers might be lurking?  Dust vampires?  Gooey zombies? Tiny Sasquatch? Cover your eyes with your hands if you must, but don’t turn that dial…”)

You may be laughing now, but I bet tonight, when you lay your sweet head on your soft pillow and innocently drift off into dreamland, this is the nightmare that awaits you:

 

Sweet dreams, kiddies. And Happy Halloween.

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20 Responses to “Halloween Edition: The Scariest Place on Earth (or at least, in my house)”

  1. I’ve got a book I can’t get rid of either. It’s called, “The Christian Guide to Homemaking” and was published in 1953. IT is awesome.

    Oh – and the top of your fridge has NOTHING on the drawers in my bathroom.

    Cathys last blog post..Sometimes a 4 Year Old Knows Just What You Need

  2. See that is why I don’t store things where I can’t reach them without a step-stool. Scary things happen when you do that.

  3. Isn’t that where everyone keeps thier IKEA breakfast tray? I figure it’s easier to grab the tray and clean the greasy dust off than it is to clean the top of the fridge. But I never clean the tray either.

    LuckyMes last blog post..World Series Champions!!

  4. I can totally relate. Except the scariest place in my home is the Master Bedroom/My office. I don’t even co-habitat with my husband anymore because he doesn’t like the laundry piled on the bed. *sigh* I have to get it together.

  5. My camera lens would break if I took a picture of the nastiness on top of my fridge. Between dust, dirt, cat hair and junk, it’s downright gross.

    Kailas last blog post..People will think you’re a real Zombie – with tattoos on you.

  6. The stencil seems lovely. Can I borrow it? My nightmare is my half-finished bedroom. It’s been mid-decoration for about eleven years.

    Razs last blog post..Onwards, Upwards

  7. The pattern on the cover of that Mexican Family Cookbook doesn’t even look remotely ethnic, which, you’d think, would be a big selling point to such a cookbook. However, I’ll admit, I believe that the dude on the cover is picking his teeth to remove the last flakes of skin and bone that belonged to his cousin.

    I have two walkie-talkies on top of my fridge. Why? Good question. However, if I ever want to play Army, I’m set.

    foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..‘gonna dress you up in my love’

  8. OMG I feel soooo much better after reading about all the other nasty fridge tops. I also keep my foil, saran wrap and I think the handle that fell off the microwave a few years back is up there somewhere.

    Lorrenes last blog post..Halloween Stories

  9. I heard the saddest stuff over on your hubbie’s site.

    As I told him… Wwwhhhhyyyyy I oughta!

    That makes me so mad to hear. Bullies are bullies no matter how old or where they spread their meanness.
    You guys take it from this little sweetheart.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zkAMJIAr4s

    Just say ‘FO’ to bullies.

    I understand if your wife feels she’s overshared and vulnerable. She’s gotta take care of herself. But, I know a guy…

    Perfect Moment Projects last blog post..‘Thriller’ fans break dance off record

  10. For a second there I thought you were NOT going to show us the money…

    Then you did.

    And. Sorry I think I’ve seen scarier. Mine has kitty treats on top for heck’s sake.

    goodncrazys last blog post..EARLY! –Happy Candy Freaks

  11. I love “the breakfast tray of hope.” I always hold onto things like that. And then one day I actually try to use them and think, I don’t like eating in bed. All of the crumbs…and I can’t eat comfortably while reclining…how did the Romans do that anyway?…Oh right – they also made themselves throw up on purpose.

    I love your Halloween story – it’s the good kind of scary for fraidy cats like me.

  12. You should see what happens when you have dogs, a cat, and you are both lazy and never vacuum under the bed…Now, THAT’S Scary! We COULD knit an entire dog out of the fur tht somehow filters down there…yuck!

    Jim Huffmans last blog post..Costume Malfunction

  13. Hilarious. When I wake up screaming tonight I’ll know who to blame.

    threeundertwos last blog post..Finished for Friday: Halloween edition!

  14. Bwahaha. Yes, totally the stuff of nightmares!

    Zs last blog post..Closer than I sometimes think I am

  15. Our Ikea breakfast tray (they should number them) stays in a gap alongside the fridge not on top, we save that space for the recycling.

    The Grocers last blog post..Minty Fresh Clothing

  16. You had me at “mooses”.

    Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Happy Halloween!

  17. Out of sight out of mind is the way to go! I bet under my couch is the place of nightmares.

    I have a Halloween treat for you on my blog…

    Beths last blog post..You like me. You really, really like me.

  18. Well, being that the top of your fridge looks like a vast graveyard of cookbooks, I’m really surprised your crockpot isn’t up there too!

    Audss last blog post..Halloween Advice You’ll Want to Heed

  19. I too am a pack rat and have my “piles,” however, instead of mumbling “jackass” I’m usually yelling in an accusatory tone, “did you move my pile of (fill in the blank with random shit here)? I knew exactly what was in that pile (LIE) and I need it!” You are too funny. But seriously, I don’t cook either, so what do you feed Sam? I’m running out of new kinds of baby food for Gabriel to try and starting to feel like a bad mother as I have seriously considered feeding him ramen (which is not really cooking).

  20. I’ll see you that stack of dead cookbooks, breakfast tray, and beer stein, and raise you three cedar planks for grilling fish, a giant collection of “dangerous” items that a toddler shouldn’t play with, a bag of candy, the dog’s medicine, three random toys that have been put in “time out” and forgotten, and the requisite film of nastiness that coats high surfaces in the kitchen of people who DO cook. You don’t have that film because you don’t cook, so let me explain: it is made up of tiny tiny airborne particles of grease, sauce, and other pan-liquids that miraculously float around the kitchen once heated, and then form a greasy film on cupboard doors and anything you don’t use often. (Astonishingly, the coffee pot that sits *right next to the stove* seems immune to this film.) But I couldn’t write something this funny about my fridge, so you win that contest hands-down.

    However, although my fridge top is gross, my terror for the weekend was all provided outdoors by my over-daring son.

    MommyTimes last blog post..I’ll Give You Halloween Terror

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