Bejewell on November 13th, 2008

You know that old saying people sometimes use to get over stage fright – “Just picture the audience naked”

(I think some people say “Just picture the audience in their underwear,” but those people are pussies.  If you’re gonna do it, DO IT.  Don’t wuss out.)

Well, I heard that saying once and applied it to my entire life.  I don’t have to be on stage to picture other people naked.  I picture people naked ALL THE TIME.  If I ever meet you in real life, you can rest assured that within five minutes my head will hold a mental image of you without your clothes.  It is also likely that I will have pictured you naked in some compromising position, like having sex or sitting on the toilet or trapped under something heavy.  That last one holds especially true if I don’t like you very much.

Which actually brings me to my next point:  My impressions of people directly affect the way they look in my naked head pictures.  If my first impression of you is that you’re nice, my naked head picture of you will be favorable.  You’ll have a very nice body and you’ll probably be standing in a pretty garden surrounded by lovely, thorn-free flowers that are colorful and fragrant.  Or lying on a very comfortable bed with servants fanning you with those big palm leaves and feeding you grapes.

By contrast, the less I like you, the worse you will look naked in my head.  And the more likely you are to be doing something very gross and/or embarrassing.  There’s one guy I can’t stand who forever lives naked in Antartica in my head, and he is eternally cold and uncomfortable.  (Also, embarrassed.  Hello, shrinkage!)  

Often these naked head pictures make me giggle.  I trained myself a long time ago to giggle inside and not out loud, but inside my head it’s a crazy, non-stop, naked laugh riot. 

Other times I’m completely traumatized by what I see.  Some of these images are frightening, and I’m powerless to escape them.

Sometimes I just feel sorry for the poor schmos who piss me off.  One lady once called me unreasonable, and she now rides a camel in the desert, unsuccessfully fighting mosquitoes, sunburn, and chafing.  I feel bad for her, but until she apologizes…

Let’s be clear:  It doesn’t matter AT ALL what you really look like naked.  The pictures in my head are DIRECTLY related to your personality, or at least, my perception of it. 

Now, that’s not to say that I’m blind to physical anomalies.  If there’s something specific about you that stands out, it will probably be incorporated into my naked head picture.  If you are of a general shape, that will also be taken into account. 

But know this:  There are a lot of very large, very round, very BEAUTIFUL naked people running around in my head – people who, in real life, probably don’t think much of their looks, but because they have such beautiful personalities, that’s how their bodies translate in my naked head world.  You don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful.  Not in here.  Beauty is as beauty does in my naked head world. 

I don’t know why I do this.  I’m sure it’s tied to my inner sense of raging insecurity somehow, or at least it was back when I gave a big shit what other people thought of me.  I’ve come a long way since then – now I only give a *little* shit – but it’s become a bad habit, an addiction as serious as smoking or drinking or drugs – and just as hard to shake.

I’m really just telling you this as a warning.  Because in July I’m headed to BlogHer ’09 even if I have to sell a kidney and every single person I meet there will be engaged in some type of naked debauchery in my head.  Hell, most of you are ALREADY dancing around naked in there, I don’t even need a snapshot.  I’ll just make a few revisions when I finally meet you face to face.

What I’m trying to say is, you’d better be nice to me or you’re gonna be doing some seriously fucked up naked shit in my head.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

P.S. For the none of you still concerned about my memory stick debacle, angrily documented in my last post, three hours and $40 bucks later I was able to recover *some* of the information, but not nearly all.  Still trying to sort it all out.  Still working through what has to be re-done.  Still grieving.  Stomach still in knots.  (Sniff)

(Amended) P.P.S.  If you are a member of my family, you are excluded from the naked world inside my head.  Except my sister.  Because you have bigger boobs than me and I often wonder how the hell that happened.

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20 Responses to “I Am Picturing You Naked Right Now”

  1. oh my god, i don’t ever want to see my naked in your head.

  2. Muwahahaha! The bad thing is, I know that now I’M going to start doing it. OCD, ya know? *bitch slaps self*

    derfinas last blog post..Paradise at a price

  3. If you are taking requests, I’d like to look like Angelina Jolie naked, if possible.

    annas last blog post..Musings On the Advent of Basketball Season; Or, The One in Which My Male Readers Wake Up and Start Reading Again, However Briefly

  4. I once went to a Pagan festival where everybody WAS naked most of the time. It was kinda weird, since I pretty much do the same thing you do and it messed me all up not being able to match my naked picture from my head to the naked person dancing around in front of me/ or squatting as some were in front of the fire – ugh. A cape and a walking stick do not make for a pretty picture when your junk is staring at me from between your squatting legs.

    kailas last blog post..Drunk Dialing – Infommercial Style

  5. Hmm. I don’t know that I want to know. If it’s good, I’ll try to point out how you’re way, way wrong. If it’s bad, I’ll feel much WOE!ANGST!EMO! over that. I mean, this is totally a no-win for me.


    BlogHer ’09? I might actually meet you in person? GTFO. And because I’ve declared myself your stalker, I state now and forever I’m not ACTUALLY going to stalk you. Because hello? Creepy and fucking weird. And while I’m both creepy and fucking weird at times, I’m not STALKERY creepy and weird, just regular type.

    Stephs last blog post..11/13/08

  6. I’d better be hot or I will be PISSED.

  7. The next time I’m having a down-on-myself day, I’m going to console myself thinking that in Beej’s naked head world, I am so hot it hurts. (Please allow me this illusion, however untrue. It’s seriously all I have.)

    WaltzInExiles last blog post..Peccants

  8. I love it!!!! I want my naked image to be one of The Girls Next Door!!

    Jills last blog post..Trucks, trucks, trucks

  9. Now I don’t feel so awkward about masturbating while reading your blog.

    WPoFDs last blog post..Stream of Consciousness Blogging

  10. What to say after WPofD? Other than I’m not masturbating (unless that helps my naked in your head image, in which case I totally am).

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..Wordles Wednesday: Roller Coasters! (Pic and Video)

  11. Please love me. I don’t want to be stuck under a heavy object all rolly love handles, naked and cold.

    Captain Steves last blog post..Nostalgia

  12. I so glad that you are going to Blogher! I really don’t know why, other than once I saw the date the first thing that popped into my mind was your post about not going the other year.
    I kind of want you to ‘not’ like me too much because I think the naked things you would have me do in your naked mind are probably a hell of a lot funner than anything I even come close to doing in my real life.

  13. I love your naked head world! I do not have a naked head world. I’m sure my imagination would promptly short-circuit if I tried to introduce naked head world to my brain at this point in my life.

    If you read through my comments, I’m the 6’5″ dark-haired guy with the chiseled chest and abs up to my forehead towards the back of your naked head world…


    goodfathers last blog post..Pudding pants

  14. Do I look nice naked? Oh and can you give me big boobs? Mine are deflated. Thx.

    kd@abitsquirrellys last blog post..Rekindling Romance (Thankful Thursdays)

  15. That’s funny. Now all I can think about it what kind of um… hairdo… do you generally assign to your naked people. LOL. I’d also like to look like Angelina Jolie and request larger boobs. Thanks!

    Adlibbys last blog post..40 is so… NOT the new 30!

  16. so i’ve decided you are DAMN funny, and we need do hang out. Even if I have to be naked, dammit.

    (crap, that means I have to lose some weight.)

    glad you recovered some stuff. Was it the freelance stuff???

    vodkamoms last blog post..I am SUCH a bitch.

  17. I don’t know…that lady on the camel may be having a pretty good time, aside from the scorching heat and said mosquitoes.

    The Benevolent Dictators last blog post..NaBloPoMo-NoMo’

  18. Please do not even attempt to picture me nekkid. I can’t be responsible for the PTSD it would inevitably result in.

    Audss last blog post..A Little Too Much…

  19. THAT? Was hilarious! And I will certainly be kissing your ass when I meet you.

    Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Who’s Your Preference?

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