You know that old saying people sometimes use to get over stage fright – “Just picture the audience naked”?
(I think some people say “Just picture the audience in their underwear,” but those people are pussies. If you’re gonna do it, DO IT. Don’t wuss out.)
Well, I heard that saying once and applied it to my entire life. I don’t have to be on stage to picture other people naked. I picture people naked ALL THE TIME. If I ever meet you in real life, you can rest assured that within five minutes my head will hold a mental image of you without your clothes. It is also likely that I will have pictured you naked in some compromising position, like having sex or sitting on the toilet or trapped under something heavy. That last one holds especially true if I don’t like you very much.
Which actually brings me to my next point: My impressions of people directly affect the way they look in my naked head pictures. If my first impression of you is that you’re nice, my naked head picture of you will be favorable. You’ll have a very nice body and you’ll probably be standing in a pretty garden surrounded by lovely, thorn-free flowers that are colorful and fragrant. Or lying on a very comfortable bed with servants fanning you with those big palm leaves and feeding you grapes.
By contrast, the less I like you, the worse you will look naked in my head. And the more likely you are to be doing something very gross and/or embarrassing. There’s one guy I can’t stand who forever lives naked in Antartica in my head, and he is eternally cold and uncomfortable. (Also, embarrassed. Hello, shrinkage!)
Often these naked head pictures make me giggle. I trained myself a long time ago to giggle inside and not out loud, but inside my head it’s a crazy, non-stop, naked laugh riot.
Other times I’m completely traumatized by what I see. Some of these images are frightening, and I’m powerless to escape them.
Sometimes I just feel sorry for the poor schmos who piss me off. One lady once called me unreasonable, and she now rides a camel in the desert, unsuccessfully fighting mosquitoes, sunburn, and chafing. I feel bad for her, but until she apologizes…
Let’s be clear: It doesn’t matter AT ALL what you really look like naked. The pictures in my head are DIRECTLY related to your personality, or at least, my perception of it.
Now, that’s not to say that I’m blind to physical anomalies. If there’s something specific about you that stands out, it will probably be incorporated into my naked head picture. If you are of a general shape, that will also be taken into account.
But know this: There are a lot of very large, very round, very BEAUTIFUL naked people running around in my head – people who, in real life, probably don’t think much of their looks, but because they have such beautiful personalities, that’s how their bodies translate in my naked head world. You don’t have to be skinny to be beautiful. Not in here. Beauty is as beauty does in my naked head world.
I don’t know why I do this. I’m sure it’s tied to my inner sense of raging insecurity somehow, or at least it was back when I gave a big shit what other people thought of me. I’ve come a long way since then – now I only give a *little* shit – but it’s become a bad habit, an addiction as serious as smoking or drinking or drugs – and just as hard to shake.
I’m really just telling you this as a warning. Because in July I’m headed to BlogHer ’09 even if I have to sell a kidney and every single person I meet there will be engaged in some type of naked debauchery in my head. Hell, most of you are ALREADY dancing around naked in there, I don’t even need a snapshot. I’ll just make a few revisions when I finally meet you face to face.
What I’m trying to say is, you’d better be nice to me or you’re gonna be doing some seriously fucked up naked shit in my head. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
P.S. For the none of you still concerned about my memory stick debacle, angrily documented in my last post, three hours and $40 bucks later I was able to recover *some* of the information, but not nearly all. Still trying to sort it all out. Still working through what has to be re-done. Still grieving. Stomach still in knots. (Sniff)
(Amended) P.P.S. If you are a member of my family, you are excluded from the naked world inside my head. Except my sister. Because you have bigger boobs than me and I often wonder how the hell that happened.Stumble it!
Tags: naked people