I’m busy trying to re-write all the shit my evil computer destroyed this week, and also attempting to have some kind of life, so my writing time today is even more limited than usual. However, earlier this month I completely lost my fucking mind and signed up for this stupid NaBloPoMo thing, so I’ve got to write something because I WILL NOT LET NABLOPOMO BEAT ME. I asked my friend Em to help me come up with a topic but all she gave me was, “Why don’t you write about how you can eat those gross disgusting medicine tablets?” and I was all, “WTF?” and she pointed to a box of Alka Seltzer cold medicine on my desk, and I was all, “You DO know you don’t actually EAT those, right?” and she tried to backtrack and pretend that she knew that all along but really we both know she didn’t. Not only did she not know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s actually tried to eat one before. She’s such a dumbass so silly.
Since Em didn’t help me at all I’m just going to give it to you raw. A series of totally bizarre random thoughts that have been running through my mind today.
Let me just say in advance — I’m sorry. I’ll be better tomorrow. I hope.
- Random Thought #1: Hair extensions are weird. They’re all about presenting an illusion that you have longer or more hair than you do, but anyone who saw you yesterday will obviously know that you didn’t sprout five inches of growth overnight. (That’s what she said.) Doesn’t that sort of destroy the illusion?
- Random Thought #2: There is not one single flavor of Jelly Belly that DOESN’T taste delicious in combination with the buttered popcorn flavor. Even flavors that I don’t really like taste delicious when they’re combined with buttered popcorn. It’s kind of like magic. I once thought the magic might translate to real-life buttered popcorn, but after a couple of bad experiences, I’ve given up on that theory.
- Random Thought #3: Lesson of the Day: Jelly Bellies for breakfast will give you a Jelly Belly ache.
- Random Thought #4: A haiku:
I love Matt Damon
I love love love love love him.
Matt, give me a call.
Random Thought #5: Why do so many people make such a big deal about making their beds every day? What’s the point? You’re just going to mess it up again that night. Isn’t it just a pointless exercise in futility? Are you people all nuts? Am I the only sane one left in the world? Or is it the other way around? Wait. Don’t answer that.
- Random Thought #6: Hobos always have the best dogs. I saw a hobo on a bicycle the other day and his dog was riding on the back, holding onto his back. That was one seriously smart (and strong) dog.
I can’t get my dog to stop eating cat shit.
- Random Thought #7: Sometimes I wish I was a hobo.
- Random Thought #8: I have never forgiven Russell Crowe for showing up to his wedding looking like a hobo.
- Random Thought #9: I’m a robot sexist. For some reason I always think of androids as girl robots. I think of boy robots as cyborgs. I think this might be unfair to the boy robots, because cyborg definitely has a more negative connotation to it. Unless there’s some other difference that I’m unaware of: Androids want to help you. Cyborgs just want to blow you up.
- Random Thought #10: I’m pretty sure the oddly expressionless guy in our web services department is a cyborg.
- Random Thought #11: As much as I hate that evil red demon Elmo (and trust me, I hate him A LOT), I actually hate Big Bird MORE.
Elmo is just annoying. Big Bird is an asshole. A big, yellow, whiny asshole.
- Random Thought #12: When I was a kid I my grandmother cross-stitched a pillow for me with the face of Oscar the Grouch on it. I loved it because my grandma made it for me, but deep down inside I always wished it was Miss Piggy’s face instead.
- Random Thought #13: Given the way this week has gone, I think 13 is a very appropriate number to end on.