Bejewell on November 14th, 2008

I’m busy trying to re-write all the shit my evil computer destroyed this week, and also attempting to have some kind of life, so my writing time today is even more limited than usual.  However, earlier this month I completely lost my fucking mind and signed up for this stupid NaBloPoMo thing, so I’ve got to write something because I WILL NOT LET NABLOPOMO BEAT ME.  I asked my friend Em to help me come up with a topic but all she gave me was, “Why don’t you write about how you can eat those gross disgusting medicine tablets?” and I was all, “WTF?” and she pointed to a box of Alka Seltzer cold medicine on my desk, and I was all, “You DO know you don’t actually EAT those, right?” and she tried to backtrack and pretend that she knew that all along but really we both know she didn’t.  Not only did she not know, but I have a sneaking suspicion that she’s actually tried to eat one before.  She’s such a dumbass so silly.

Since Em didn’t help me at all I’m just going to give it to you raw.   A series of totally bizarre random thoughts that have been running through my mind today. 

Let me just say in advance — I’m sorry.  I’ll be better tomorrow.  I hope. 

  • Random Thought #1:  Hair extensions are weird.  They’re all about presenting an illusion that you have longer or more hair than you do, but anyone who saw you yesterday will obviously know that you didn’t sprout five inches of growth overnight.  (That’s what she said.)  Doesn’t that sort of destroy the illusion? 
       
  • Random Thought #2:  There is not one single flavor of Jelly Belly that DOESN’T taste delicious in combination with the buttered popcorn flavor.  Even flavors that I don’t really like taste delicious when they’re combined with buttered popcorn.  It’s kind of like magic.  I once thought the magic might translate to real-life buttered popcorn, but after a couple of bad experiences, I’ve given up on that theory.
       
  • Random Thought #3:  Lesson of the Day:  Jelly Bellies for breakfast will give you a Jelly Belly ache.
       
  • Random Thought #4:  A haiku:

I love Matt Damon
I love love love love love him.
Matt, give me a call.

  • Random Thought #5:  Why do so many people make such a big deal about making their beds every day?  What’s the point?  You’re just going to mess it up again that night.  Isn’t it just a pointless exercise in futility?  Are you people all nuts?  Am I the only sane one left in the world?  Or is it the other way around?  Wait.  Don’t answer that.
       
  • Random Thought #6:  Hobos always have the best dogs.  I saw a hobo on a bicycle the other day and his dog was riding on the back, holding onto his back.  That was one seriously smart (and strong) dog.
      
    I can’t get my dog to stop eating cat shit.
         
  • Random Thought #7:  Sometimes I wish I was a hobo.
       
  • Random Thought #8:  I have never forgiven Russell Crowe for showing up to his wedding looking like a hobo.

 

  • Random Thought #9:  I’m a robot sexist.  For some reason I always think of androids as girl robots. I think of boy robots as cyborgs.  I think this might be unfair to the boy robots, because cyborg definitely has a more negative connotation to it.  Unless there’s some other difference that I’m unaware of:  Androids want to help you.  Cyborgs just want to blow you up.  
       
  • Random Thought #10:  I’m pretty sure the oddly expressionless guy in our web services department is a cyborg.
      
  • Random Thought #11:  As much as I hate that evil red demon Elmo (and trust me, I hate him A LOT), I actually hate Big Bird MORE. 

    Elmo is just annoying.  Big Bird is an asshole.  A big, yellow, whiny asshole.
      

  • Random Thought #12:  When I was a kid I my grandmother cross-stitched a pillow for me with the face of Oscar the Grouch on it.  I loved it because my grandma made it for me, but deep down inside I always wished it was Miss Piggy’s face instead.
        
  • Random Thought #13:  Given the way this week has gone, I think 13 is a very appropriate number to end on.

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14 Responses to “A Series of Bizarre and Random Thoughts”

  1. OMG, I just don’t know what to say, except you are fucking hilarious! I don’t LOL much at people’s blogs, and mostly I think they suck (sorry people) but I am a regular reader, not stalker…just reader! Thanks for the laugh, so needed that today! And let me just say, random thought #6, that’s a visual that will keep me laughing for days!

  2. I LOVE random #5….SO true. I’ve always thought that myself and wish I had thought of writing an entire long drawn out post on this random thought!!

  3. I love Matt Damon.
    I love love love love love him.
    You cannot have him.

    WaltzInExiles last blog post..Caducity

  4. Beej, I totally love you. But buttered popcorn flavor? Really? I’ve never met anyone who liked that one. Perhaps I’ll give it a try again one of these days. To add to your random thoughts on Jelly Bellies, though, can you count how many flavors taste good? Don’t you find it a little weird how many gross flavors there are? Like, who wants a jelly bean flavored like peanut butter? Just wondering… I hope your weekend is better than you week was.

    MommyTimes last blog post.."I’m a Pretty Princess"

  5. Dude, you called Big Bird an asshole. That rocks. Also, I totally want a dog that will ride on my bike with me.

    Rachaels last blog post..Sigh…

  6. MommyTime is obviously not hanging out with the right people — Buttered Popcorn JB’s are THE BEST.

    Also, hair extensions? GROSS. The good ones are REAL hair. Off a stranger’s HEAD. I can’t even stand to pick MY hair out of the shower drain — the thought of putting someone else’s on my head is nauseating. Eccch.

    And, btw … sorry for bailing on ya with NaBlow, Dude. I cracked under the pressure.

    mommypies last blog post..Wiping noses and drool(ing over the vamps).

  7. LOL! Awesome post! I was playing around with have a haiku post (I LOVE haiku), and now I’m totally going to do it – I’m going to make haikus out of my google search keywords tonight, heh.

    And yeah, the hobo thing? Me too :D .

    goodfathers last blog post..Oprah – free 8 X 10 custom cover photo book!!

  8. I used to be a dedicated non-bed-maker but several months ago I was on some stupid self-improvement kick and decided to make my bed everyday and clean my kitchen every night. Yeah…not so much on the kitchen but I’m hanging in there on the bed. And you know why? Because no matter how crappy my day is, every night when I go to bed I can say, “Hey, at least I managed to make my bed.” Which is pathetic, yet satisfying.

    And amen on the hair extensions (particularly weird when you consider how embarrassed women are about wigs) and hobo dogs. There’s a hobo around here whose dog is never on a leash. He’s just all chill, walkin’ alongside his hobo at a perfect heel. Meanwhile my dog drags me face first dog the sidewalk. Wha???

    Alias Mothers last blog post..The Un-Buddha (with a POLL! Like the big blog kids use!)(POLL UPDATED!)

  9. I’m now officially worried about you. Buttered popcorn with ANY flavour Jelly Belly? Even those disgusting coffee or root beer flavoured Jelly Belly’s? Blech. Just thinking about Helly Belly’s gives me a hellacious belly ache!

    Although, my former step son told me once upon a time that cinema popcorn and skittles tastes a lot like cotton candy.

    I for one am not going to test his theory out.

    Audss last blog post..A Little Too Much…

  10. I make my bed everyday, but I am sure that doesn’t surprise you.

    kd@abitsquirrellys last blog post..Time to Heal

  11. this is hilarious

    ~ms last blog post..Sunday edition, Konglish style

  12. The cat poo thing: my ex-dog (I have unlimited and unsupervised visitation, btw) used to eat kitty poo. The vet said he was craving more protein so I added some peanut butter to his day. worked.

    Elenas last blog post..Bad Day for Bears

  13. Good stuff – As a relative beginner to photographry I still feel overwhelmed by how much I need to learn. Nevertheless, the more posts like this i read, the better off i am. Thanks for making me think a bit more.

  14. I tried using that rationale once with my mom re: making my bed every day. HER response was “well, then there’s no point in eating every day is there – if all you’re going to do is digest it and crap it out again”. I had to admit, I didn’t have a comeback to that… granted, I was like. . .8?

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