Five Star Friday

Has anyone seen my keys?  They look like this:

(Yes, I understand the irony of the keychain, but that is not the Extremely Ironic Twist.  Read on for that little gem.)

I took the Bean shopping this afternoon and came home and at some point… they vanished.  I’ve searched under the couch and under the bed and in the bathroom and in the garage and under the kitchen sink, even though I haven’t been in the garage OR under the sink since I got home (at least not that I remember but let’s face it, at this point anything is possible).


No, I didn’t have big plans for tonight to go anywhere… the Big Bean is working, so the plan is Sesame Street, dinner, bedtime for the Bean, blogging and bed.  But at some point I’m going to need those keys and I’m a worst-case scenario person so all I can think about is how the hell I’m going to get myself and the Bean to the hospital if somebody breaks a toe.  (Yes, I know that’s not the WORST-case scenario but I really can’t let my mind go anyplace further than that; I’m dealing with enough here, don’t you think?)

And don’t say “an ambulance” because I think of an ambulance as an absolute last resort and I’m sure they would frown upon my calling them for a broken toe just because I can’t find my goddamned keys.  Not to mention, I’m pretty sure my health insurance doesn’t cover dumbass-lost-her-keys-again ambulance fees. 

Oh God, now I’m feeling a lot like a rat trapped in a cage, or maybe more like someone who’s been found guilty of being a dumbass and is now in prison, if prison was a three-bedroom, two-bath with a baby in the next cell.

I’ve checked the Bean very closely because he loves my keys and likes to play with them so I often let him.  But he doesn’t have them and I’ve followed his little bean steps and haven’t found them and I’m pretty sure they’re too big for him to eat.  (Although that is something I’ve said before and been wrong about.)  That would be one hell of a diaper to change if he did, though.

And now, here is the Extremely Ironic Twist to this post:  

I took this picture earlier today because I was planning to write a post about all of the things that I lose the most and how frustrating it is and how much time I waste looking for things when I should know where they are because I just had the thing in my hand like two seconds ago but now it’s just GONE.  And also how I think the reason might be all the pot I smoked in my early twenties (seriously, it was a fucking LOT) and let that be a lesson to all you young people.  It was going to be a Very Inspiring and Educational Post.

But now I can’t Educate or Inspire anyone because I’m too busy looking for my goddamned keys.  And I’m trapped in the house with no way out except maybe a bicycle, which I can’t use because we don’t have a trailer for the Bean and it’s not like I can just leave him here to fend for himself while I head to the hills in a rampant fit of blazing claustrophobia. Not even if I take the baby monitor with me. 

And besides, I don’t ever want to ride a bike anywhere because I’m always very wobbly and totally aware of what an ass I look like and I just know that all of the people in the cars passing by are really laughing at me. (Which actually happened once, a group of teenagers in a convertible passed by me and I wobbled right into a fence and they all laughed as they drove away, hence my paranoia.  Fucking youths.)

And the worst part about THAT is, I used to ride a bike like a little speed demon — “Look Mom, no hands!” and the whole bit – but somewhere along the way it’s like I just FORGOT HOW TO RIDE A BIKE even though that’s the one thing people say you never forget.  It’s a bone of contention with the Big Bean because he’s a fancypants cyclist and he always wants me to go out on the bikes with him but I refuse because of the whole I Forgot How to Ride a Bike thing and he says “You never forget how to ride a bike” and I say “Well, I did” and then a whole argument discussion follows and by the time it’s over it’s too late to ride bikes and I get my way (but there’s always a price to pay for that).

Anyway, I still can’t find my keys.  You know how you lose something and you just KNOW it’s in the most obvious place in the house and you’ve probably looked right at it like 15 times but you just didn’t SEE it?  That’s how I’m feeling right now.

Has anyone seen my keys?

UPDATE:  Found them!!  Guess where they were and I’ll give you a prize.  I’ll post the answer this Saturday, to satisfy your rabid curiosity… try not to lose too much sleep over it…


For those of you who are interested (and I know at least two or three of you are out there on pins and needles), here’s where I finally found my keys:

Ignition of the car.  Now why didn’t I think of that?  

Allison from That’s What She Blogged got it right.  Not only did she guess the answer (and gets a prize!  woo hoo!), she also gets a plug here for her excellent blog, which I visit often.  Congratulations, Allison — You win a small prize, my undying admiration and maybe a couple of my seven readers will head over your way.

For the record, it took about two hours of turning the house inside out before I found them.  We never did have to go to the hospital for anything, the little Bean and I are still intact (well, my sanity, maybe not so much).  But during that time I did NOT run screaming from the house in a fit of claustrophobic mania, so I’m chalking this one up in the positive column.

I’m so silly.

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29 Responses to “Has anyone seen my keys? With an Extremely Ironic Twist”

  1. The front door!! I say that because I’ve done that before :o )

  2. Carolina girl TOTALLY STOLE MY ANSWER!!! I do that ALL.THE.TIME.

    hilarious post. I can so relate.

  3. I think they’re wherever you left them when you took the pic.

    Awesome post. I can soooooo relate! So funny!

  4. I’m usually not so proactive, but after one too many incidents like yours, last year I FINALLY had THREE copies of the car keys and the house keys made. It’s been a godsend. Seriously – next time you’re at the hardware store …

    Great post :)

  5. I guess in your ignition in the car.

    This was hilarious. That would be one hell of a diaper change…much was than when I had to retrieve a mancala marble from a soiled nappie.

  6. HAHAHA. Oh, dude. Obviously I was there with you. The kids were IN THE CAR waiting for me and our friends were calling from the park, “Are you coming? Are you coming?”

    Then I got pulled over because I was speeding because I was thirty minutes late. Hi.

    They were on the floor under the table you took the picture. (Am I right?)

    And also? You crack me up.

  7. I am guessing they were in your pocketbook. Or next to the toilet, because you dropped them the last time you threw up drunk.

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  9. I’m not quite sure what I was trying to say in my last phrase. I apologize for my lack of attention when typing.

  10. Freakin’ hilarious! :)

    I keep my keys in the zip-up coin part of my wallet, ‘coz I never leave the house without it, and it’s big enough not to be easily lost. Plus, I then have to take the wallet out of my bag to open the door, and it’s right there in my hand to put the keys back into once I’m inside. On occasion, though, I don’t take my wallet when we go out (i.e. when I have no money, therefore making it a redundant exercise). On these occasions I go out with my husband, who generally has money when I don’t because of when we get paid, and vice versa. And whenever this happens, I take two steps out the front door and ask, ‘Got your keys? Got your wallet?’

    Usually he does. He went through a phase of resenting the question, until the one time I didn’t have my wallet and didn’t ask, we locked ourselves out of the house. Irony was, I thought to ask juuuust as the door closed behind me. Stupid door.

    Now glasses and phone – I’m always losing those. Take my glasses off, and even though my eyes aren’t bad, the glasses are thin, I wear them for definition, and without them – ha ha! – I can’t *see* them.

    Were your keys in the pocket of a jacket you’d taken off and hung up? I’ve done that with my phone and spent half an hour looking for it, like, a jillion times.

  11. under the table?

    Now, can you tell me where i left MY car keys (I’ve been using the spare all week ::sigh::)?

  12. Do you know how many hours every day I spend wandering around looking for my glasses? Once I was all in a panic because I couldn’t find them and they were ON MY FACE.

    I’m going to say that the keys were in the fridge. Not that I’ve done that. Oh, no. Not me.

  13. In the door.
    I was just at Home Depot yesterday to get TWO more sets of house keys made, one set to keep outside in a VERY SECRET PLACE in case I ever walk out of the house without my husband knowing and then he walks out and locks the door and leaves and then my son wakes up from his nap and I can’t get in.
    My life, it is usually dull except for those kinds of things.

  14. ALL good guesses, and at least one of you was right. Stay tuned for the answer this Saturday…

  15. Where they still where you’d placed them for the photo?

  16. I love the answer!!! Sounds exactly like something I would have done.

    happy pow!

  17. I’m jealous. I have LOST my key this week and they are still not found (last time I had ‘em was last Wednesday afternoon). They are nowhere to be found. Now I am using a valet key with no power opener thingy. Now THAT sucks.

  18. That is classic! At least you didn’t lock your car with the keys in the ignition with the engine running one time like I did! Sheesh. The crazy things we do sometimes! :)

  19. I lost my keys. My keys and my husband’s keys. The kind of keys that have all that fancy unlocking abilities. My husband drove his truck, then my car, to the dealership where he paid $$$$$$$ for new keys and to re-computerize the autos.

    MONTHS went by… keys, but a HUGE conscience that bothered me every time we used our NEW keys.

    Water leak!! Husband pulls washer out from the wall to change the washer hose…………KEYS WERE HANGING BEHIND THE WASHER, ON THE HOSE!!!!!!!! huh??

  20. When my wife loses her keys, she always thinks that they are in a bag in the bottom of the trash can. And, because I can’t bear to see her rummaging throught the nasty can, I do it. They are never there and usually end up in the front yard or locked in the van…in the ignition. I made a spare and keep it hidden from her for such a crisis.

    It happens!

  21. I came over here from Allison’s blog and I am very glad that I did. Your writing is fantastic!

    We once spent the afternoon trying to help grandma find her car keys. We found them in the freezer. She had them in her hand while she was putting groceries away… It is a long standing joke now, if you cannot find something someone will shout out, “Did you look in the freezer?”

  22. For Christmas I got one of those key locator thingies, but it came with FOUR tags to put on the things you lose. You know I haven’t lost my keys since so, I’d have to say it’s the best gift ever! I also put my keys on a long, brightly-colored lanyard so they stick out.

    At any given time there is something that I’m aware of that I’ve misplaced. Right now it’s the tote bag I use to take Lil’bug’s juice cup, water bottle, and snack traps with us where ever we go. I’m thinking about not finding it ’cause it might be my glasses, or cell phone, or blue tooth, or iPod, or brain… next.

  23. I would have guessed on top of your car. That’s where I lose mine sometimes.
    I have 5 sets of keys, but only one is the “good set.”
    I lost 1 set of good – still haven’t found them.
    I have like 10 pairs of sunglasses – but usually only know where 1 is – that’s a lie – I rarely know where any of them are, unless I just went on a sunglass hunt – then I know where all but 2 of them are, those 2 being the 2 I love the most.
    Anyway – I lose stuff too. Mostly keys and sunglasses. And my phone and the remote- but I blame those two on the baby.

  24. Great post learned a lot

  25. exactly what an amazing post that possess actually come through. It the actual information we really searching for the past 7 days and I am truly satisfied with this post. Need much more like this. Many thanks.

  26. You?ve probably stapled the device to the wrong kid again.

  27. Yeah this is very frustrating when we lost our keys, mobile or other things..


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