There’s a girl in my office who holds her sneezes in, and by “holds her sneezes in” I mean she literally, physically HOLDS THEM IN. She does the whole head-lifted-eyes-squinty-mouth-open thing when it starts, just like a normal person, but then she closes her eyes and holds her nostrils shut while her head does a little jerk, and she makes this teensy-tiny snorty sound and then releases it with a REALLY teensy-tiny, super-squeaky, high-pitched “cheeew!”
It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen. I can’t imagine why anyone would do this. Once I asked her and she gave me some lame answer like “That’s just how I’ve always sneezed,” but I’m pretty sure that’s bullshit because no way does that come naturally to ANYONE. My theory is it’s got something to do with being cute or ladylike or something, which I find both sad and disturbing, but mostly I am just FASCINATED.
Every time it happens I hold my breath and wait to see if her head will explode.
The last time I sneezed, I tried to hold it in like Tiny Sneeze Girl just to see what it was like, but my snorty sound was about a thousand times louder and grosser and more snorty than hers, and also I ended up with snot on my fingers, and also my ears popped and I was a *little* scared for a split second that some of my brains might blow out, and ALSO I bit my tongue (which hurt like a motherfucker) so I was too busy screaming and shouting vulgarities to make that cute little high pitched “cheeew!” sound at the end, which is really the best part.
CUTE SNEEZE: FAIL.
Guess I’ll just return to my regular normal-person sneeze and keep my brains inside my head for now.
While I’m on the subject of sneezes, may I just ask when the hell the German word for “good health” became the standard response to a sneeze? How did that happen, exactly? Is there some huge underground German population that I’m not aware of controlling our sneeze-related vernacular?
Personally, I much prefer “Bless you.” Even though I’m one of those dunno-about-all-that-god-stuff-but-please-stop-calling-me-a-heathen people, I still think “Bless you” is nicer and makes more sense. Bridget Fonda made the same observation in Singles and I’ve never forgotten it.
I swear it’s like Bridget Fonda knows EVERYTHING.
Really, I’m not sure what the point is of saying anything after somebody sneezes. The tradition started way back when we thought little spirits could fly into our noses and possess us or some crazy shit like that, but really, at this point haven’t we progressed just a *little* in our thinking? At least to the point where we shouldn’t have to worry about being accused of rudeness if we fail to wish a person no harm from evil fairies in their nose when they perform the very natural function of sneezing? Anyone? No? Have I crossed a line here?
If you ask me (and yes, I am painfully aware that no one has), it’s the SNEEZER who should be required to say something, like “Excuse me” or “Pardon me” or “Sorry I snotted on you.” The SNEEZEE shouldn’t be obligated to say anything except maybe “Gross! You just snotted on me!” possibly followed by some retching sounds.
But as long as the antiquated ritual is still a politeness requirement, I think “Bless you” is the way to go. Fuck that “Gesundheit” nonsense. Somebody tell Heidi Klum to suck it.
And that concludes this portion of All You Need to Know About Sneezes from Bejewell.
You’re welcome.
Stumble it!
Tags: cute sneezes, exploding brains
December 8th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Hey! I sneeze like that. And, I sneeze about 15-20 times in a row when I sneeze. I would KILL to be able to do one big snot-blowing ACHOO and get it over with, but Noooooo….. And I always say “Excuse me” when I’m finally done. But I remember learning that when you sneeze, your heart skips a beat. So that whole “bless you”/”good health” thing was, I thought, an understated way of saying “Wow! You’re still alive! Good on ya, mate!” You know, if an Australian were saying it.
But I do agree that Bridget Fonda seems to know EVERYTHING (Hello – hired assassin with Nina Simone soundtrack in “Point of No Return”??) And also that “Singles” is quite lovely. Now I’m nostalgic for the early 90s. That doesn’t happen often, so thanks!
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Over herd in the Haute (No, not a duplicate)
December 8th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
My husband holds his sneezes in, which often results in him doing this bizzare little warble-snort at the end, kind of a trill – which, for reasons best explained by seasoned analysts, I always think of as the aural equivalent of that little red wobbly thing on a turkey’s beak. (Ahem.) The reason, anyway, that he does this, is that his normal sneeze sounds like a Goddam jet taking off. He actually roars. It’s apparently genetic, because his dad is the same. It’s like an elephant getting a brazillian, to the eztent that sneezing normally causes him physical pain. I mean, he once pulled his back sneezing like that, because, plus and also, if he sneezes normally, he tends to sneeze, like, twelve times in a row. Routinely.
Long story short: there could be a National Geographic special on his nostrils. And I mean that in a loving way.
Foz Meadowss last blog post..Music & Lyrics
December 8th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
So I used to sneeze like that and I was, indeed trying to be dainty…now that I don’t need to pretend – I just let’er rip!
thanks for visiting~
ps- I stopped in for a quick comment and have just read you for twenty minutes! We’re soul sisters…I will be back for sure!
swirl girls last blog post..The One in Which She Has to Represent
December 8th, 2008 at 10:28 pm
When I do that little compressed sneeze, I ended up hurting myself and making some embarrassing noise. Honestly, I just want a few big, satisfying, loud sneezes, which I often follow with a “Pardon me.”
You know what Bridget Fonda doesn’t know? How to screen a damn potential roommate!
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..‘you can’t escape the hours, you lose track of the days’
December 8th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
I’m quite certain, after reading this, I’ll never look at sneezing the same way again. Oh and I never hold mine in…it’s a good way to damage your ear drums. Or something like that.
And I always, ALWAYS say; “excuse me” after I sneeze. Dunno why, I just do. And sometimes, if no one is around, I bless myself. I feel strange if no one says “bless you” after a sneeze.
Yes…yes, I AM a freak!
December 8th, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Did you know only 19% of the population can sneeze when looking in a bright light? I am one of them…cool to be a minority, I suppose. Anyway, when I sneeze, people in the next county probably duck. Oh, and if I am sitting down, it’s worse, because limbs go flying (usually mine). Also, those nearby might have some minor bleeding from their ears.
And I never get the ones who sneeze 40 times in a row…is that for show or maybe they can’t help it? Waltzinexile would probably be able to explain it better, or maybe she is just a showboater and wants us to believe she can’t help it… one of “those” people who wanted to have a disability for the attention, but chose the wrong one…?LOL! (Waltz, I like ya, I’m just kidding, please don’t hurt me!)
Jimh.s last blog post..Infamous Day
December 8th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
Oh shit. I totally sneeze like that, and I too ‘have always sneezed that way’. And I sneeze A LOT. But I’m not ashamed to say I hold it in to keep from blowing snot all over the place.
Honeybells last blog post..You Should Know Thorin
December 8th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I do the “chew” thing and the Unit sounds like he’s fixing to blow TOENAILS across the room, so I reckon we balance each other out. (The birds imitate ME though)
derfinas last blog post..Carving in chalk
December 8th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
I am a big sneezer, in fact if I cant’ sneeze big I get all irritated and unsatisfied like I missed out on the big finish.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:17 am
I have held my sneezes in forever. And I am not dainty, and rarely lady-like. I do it because I think sneezing is disgusting and it spreads germs! And very few people ever cover their mouth when they sneeze, so more people should hold it in! This lady at work sneezes so loud and obnouxiously that she scares the shit out of the entire building! The volume level isn’t the real problm, it’s the fact that she let’s the “choo” part fly. By that I mean, you can see spit particules. That.is.fucking.sick. If you feel the need to be that over-the-top with it, use a damn tissue to spare the rest of us from getting sick! god I hate sneezing. Big pet peeve and irritant to me. But thanks for talking about it!
Janahs last blog post..I’m the Sauce…y One
December 9th, 2008 at 1:14 am
I’m a serial sneezer…I will sneeze no less than 4 times and upwards to 20+ times. (the most I counted once was 32 times and these are not wimpy sneezes either) I don’t want to be bless you-ed or Gesundheit-ed. I just want to get thru it without my head exploding or my nose falling off, and for the love of god, give me a tissue as blowing my nose is sometimes successful in stopping the sneezing. When I am done I will nicely say, “Excuse my sneezing.” or just, “excuse me.”
I’m an odd hiccupper too. I usually only hiccup twice before it stops. Sometimes I only hiccup once. It comes on fast and I sound like I’m just making a weird semi-shouting noise. Like Tourettes or like the sound a trained seal makes. I’m great fun at parties.
Chris Os last blog post..Letters to Santa
December 9th, 2008 at 2:06 am
i totally know a few people who sneeze like that.
my sneeze sounds like a cough and i always get this weird stare after i sneeze from at least one person in the room followed by an awkward silence and then.. “………… did you sneeze?”
oh and here is a couple websites that is good for wasting time and laughing at stupid people and looking at funny cat pictures.
failblog.org
http://lolcats.com/
they can both be super stupid and lame and then all of a sudden super hilarious.
my cat is eating crickets that are crawling into my room right now.
i miss you and i love you.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:29 am
my sneeze is loud as a MACK truck with that same little squeak at the end. Have mercy.
flutters last blog post..Underwater
December 9th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I hate the hold in sneezes. What the? Just let it out. It OBVIOUSLY wants to get out. Now that being said I come from a family of big sneezers. My father sneezes 6 times in a row at least once a day. And if you happen to be in a car with him your ears might pop (it has happened many a time). He is LOUD. I am a regular 2x sneezer but I let it go baby!
Glamour Girls last blog post..Not Taking the Blame on This One…
December 9th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I’d always heard that the reason we say “Bless You” is because your heart skips a beat when you sneeze, but I can’t back that up with any real scientific evidence.
Karens last blog post..VICTORY IS MINE!
December 9th, 2008 at 11:08 am
Jim,
I would never hurt you; I’m a pacifist. But I sorta want to sneeze on you now. Except that would be mean, and rude, and, well, gross. Plus, I can’t sneeze through teh interwebs. I should probably check into this disability thing, though; I bet there are good scholarships for the sneeze-impaired.
I want to clarify, though – I don’t hold in the sneeze! It’s not some raging locomotive thing that I feel coming and think “Clench up, now.” Oh, and the person who said sometimes people think you’re coughing? YES! People look at me ALL. THE. TIME. and say “Was that sneezing…?” Um, yeah, those bajillion sounds in a row were me sneezing.
Oh my God. I just spent 15 minutes reading all these comments and then defending my sneeze. Must. Get. Life.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:19 am
When I was a little girl, I was told that if someone didn’t say “bless you” after you sneezed, that your soul would float up out of your body. This scarred me and resulted in me lifting my arms above my head to capture my escaping soul every time I sneezed and wasn’t “blessed.” I did this up until I was in college and started to feel stupid about it.
Oh, and every time I get out my vibrator, I sneeze. (not because it’s dusty, but because, well…..you know)
Too much information, I know, but relevant none the less in a “I’m a freak” sort of way.
kailas last blog post..I am a rock whore, The Great White Lizard Hunter rocks out
December 9th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
LOL!!! Two things:
1. My nose explodes when I sneeze. People leave the room. It’s gross – I only hope I can find a tissue (towel) big enough to catch it when it happens.
2. In Germany (or in the company of a German wife) it is Very Bad Manners not to say Gesundheit after someone sneezes (to which they MUST respond, ‘Danke Schoen’). It’s built in to German culture.
goodfathers last blog post..Man down
December 9th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I totally agree with you. It should be the sneezer to say something, not the person getting hit in the face with all the germs and saliva droplets. Also? They need to deport Heidi Klum. She looks way too good for a woman that had 3 kids in 3 years. She’s making all us normal gals look bad.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..ZOMG Edward Nom Nom Nom
December 9th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
I always thought those high pressure creating, held-in sneezes were the worst…until I heard my coworker sneeze for the first time. I just about shit my pants and fell off my chair simultaneously. She basically screams at the top of her lungs, “ACHOOOO!”. It’s the most frightening thing I’ve ever heard.
The best is when she does it and I’m on the phone, prompting a, “What the fuck was that?” from the person on the other end.
Shannons last blog post..Dub-Dubs
December 9th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I’ve held in sneezes (though not with my fingers, more just by contorting my face) when I thought the situation required it, and can I just say, it hurt like a MOTHERFUCKER?!?! She does this all the time? Holy hell!
Zs last blog post..…
December 9th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
I do it too, mainly because my normal sneeze can shake a house.
Marias last blog post..Today’s Not About John Lennon Anymore.
December 10th, 2008 at 1:54 am
This is NO bullshit, I sneezed when I was coming to your site. It was the strangest fucking thing I’ve experienced in at least the last two hours. You know, I have kids. If I didn’t have them, I would say strangest in at least a week, but those two are always up to some weird shit. I guess it was all the Hunter S. Thompson I read while pregnant with them.
shondas last blog post..Meet My Demands — Give Me Christmas NOW!
December 13th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I have a friend who worked as a waitress in college and made herself hold in the sneezes because, well, for obvious reasons. Once you establish the habit, i don’t think it’s easy to stop.
jesss last blog post..Theological Interpretations
December 15th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
My mother is the loudest sneezer EVER. She used to totally embarrass me when I was a teenager. You could hear that sneeze for miles.
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Posing for the Requisite Family Christmas Pictures
December 29th, 2008 at 1:33 pm
I never know how I am going to sneeze. I used to always sneeze really loud. Then a few years ago some of my sneezes started to sound all tiny and feminine and like I was holding them in, only I wasn’t. The first time it happened I kind of freaked out and started laughing. I mean seriously I have the whole body reaction and then the only sound that comes out is a very tiny girly sounding “choo”, it’s hilarious. It is actually quite frustrating to sneeze like that because you feel cheated and like you still need to sneeze. But I never know if I am going to sneeze tiny or big and I never hold it in.
I am also one of those people who sneeze when light is too bright. Whenever I walk outside and the sun is really bright I sneeze. My boyfriend never believed me until he saw it happen one day while we were driving.
Ks last blog post..Merry Christmas!
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:45 pm
I used to sneeze like her until I got on allergy meds. I sneezed like that because I would blow lots of snot everywhere if I didn’t. A little TMI there huh? Maybe you could slip her some Claritain. Or Ex-Lax. That would be funny!
Tiffanys last blog post..Sparklers Suck Ass
January 11th, 2009 at 2:31 am
I’m new to this blog and reading through old posts. After my last comment I told myself that would be the last comment since I’m getting further into the archives… but this post… OMG! I had to stop once to go to the bathroom for fear of pissin myself from laughter. Then I had to wipe my tears away at least 5 times. And when the post was finally over and I thought I was safe, Foz Meadows and Shannon got me again.
Chriss last blog post..Help A Fellow Blogger
April 8th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
There was this annoying girl I worked with who was really bossy and two faced and would sneeze so high pitched and so tiny, yet so loud. It was too cute to even be pictured as a mouse sneezing, I actually thought of a very feminine little ant sneezing. And it went Ch…hew, Ch…hew, ch…hew about 20 times every half hour.
Everyone thought it was so cute and funny guys said she sounded like she was having an orgasim and were immidiently attracted to her even though she was teqhnically very mousey looking. She also had a hardcore biker boyfriend so it was kind of wierd. People would say a very high pitched “Bless you” afterwards.