Bejewell on July 5th, 2008

I finally had some time to myself last night and spent a very good part of it cruising the Blogosphere, like I am often wont to do. (Yeah, that’s right, I said wont.  What’s your beef?)  And by the 17th blog post I read about how hard it is to pack for/make reservations for/get ready in general for the upcoming BlogHer Conference, which I’m not packing/making reservations/getting ready in general for because I’m not going, I had a little bit of an epiphany.

Now, I have a lot of favorite blogs that I check out on a regular basis… and many (although not all) of them would qualify as “Mommy Blogs” because, well I guess I AM one now. 

Even though I DESPISE that term “Mommy Blog” – it sounds so fucking condescending, like Oh, you’re a MOMMY.  And you BLOG.  Yeah, I bet that’s just FASCINATING to read, I’ll be sure to check it out (not).” 

But anyway, despite the name, since I entered into this Exotic Land of Electronic Words and Pictures a few months ago, I’ve come across some really great “Mommy Blogs” that I read on a regular basis.  Others aren’t so great but have one or two elements that captured my attention, so I go back every now and then to see what’s new.  Still others kind of suck, but I left a comment once and the blogger commented back, and now I feel obligated to keep returning – like going on a date that was really bad, but the guy was kind of nice, and now he’s just kind of pathetic, so you accept a second date, and then spend the rest of the week thinking Why did I do that and how can I get out of it? 

(Not that I’ve ever done that, I mean at least not in the last 17 years, but if I WAS single and DID date, I imagine that’s pretty much how it would go for me.  Assuming I was ever lucky enough even to be asked out by THAT guy, which I probably wouldn’t because I am SO not the social butterfly.)

(Oh, and if you’re reading this, and I’ve ever commented on your blog, and now you’re wondering if YOUR blog is the pathetic second-date guy, chances are it’s NOT you I’m talking about.  No, really.)

But I digress.

Just a few of my very favorite “Mommy Blogs” (seriously, we need to find a better name for these) include MommyPieAbsolutely Bananas, The McMommy Chronicles, Mommy Needs a Cocktail, Mommy’s Martini (lots of drunk mommies out there, I guess), Crash Test Mommy, The Benevolent Dictator (best name for a “Mommy Blog” EVER) and, of course, The Bloggess

Some of them are snarky, some are sweet, some have weekly “festivals” that, because I’m a good “Mommy Blogger,” I participate in when I can or when I care to.  I have aspired to be Just Like some of them, others aren’t really anything like me and I’ll never try to emulate, but I enjoy reading them anyway.  My favorites are always the ones that employ sarcasm at an alarming rate and say “fuck” a lot.

(Note:  These are not, by any means, the only blogs I read on a regular basis.  I have LOTS of other favorites, many of them written by the non-mommy variety.  But this post isn’t about them.  It’s about me these “Mommy Blogs” and what a jealous bitch I am how they’re all going to BlogHer and I’m not.)

There is very much a network of “Mommy Blogs” (really, couldn’t we call them “Personal Family Blogs,” or “Domestic Journal Blogs? ” No, those suck, too) — they all seem to know each other, or at least know OF each other, and they often refer back to each other in their posts.  Blogrolls (that little list of favorite links on the sidebar of a blog, for those of you, like me, with no clue) often look eerily similar, with the same Usual Suspects appearing over and over.  Most of them also keep in touch via Twitter, a social networking site that is notoriously unreliable and only allows you to type updates of maybe twenty words or less at a time (both a blessing and a curse). 

As I started really getting into this whole blogging thing, I found this network of “Mommy Blogs” (“Woman Blogs” maybe? No?  Fine, you try then, asshole, it’s not as easy as it looks) and decided immediately that I wanted IN.  These blogs were all so clever, so interesting, so entertaining, I should DEFINITELY be In the Club.  After all, I was all of those things too… these women would be CRAZY not to welcome me with wide, open arms!

So I started a blogroll of my own, and added most of them.  I check their blogrolls often, to see if The Bean has “made it,” and my feelings get hurt when it hasn’t.  I joined Twitter and (when it’s working) I put in my two cents here and there.  I send “tweets” to let the group know when I’ve published a new blog post, hoping my message will reach them at a weak moment and they’ll click in for lack of anything better to do.  I make comments on their blogs when I had something really snarky and bitchy to show how “cool” I am of value to say.  

I do all of this with the hope that one or two of them might find what I have to say interesting, might somehow find my latest post and like it, might add me to their blogroll or refer back to me in one of their posts, and maybe one day I could be one of the Usual Suspects, too.  Maybe one day someone will ask ME to go to BlogHer. Maybe one day I’LL be one of the cool kids.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s kind of hard work.  Definitely time-consuming.  And lately I’ve started to think that maybe I should just relax, stop worrying about what Mommy Pie thinks of me, or wondering whether The Bloggess has any idea who I am, or even trying to get their consort “Daddy Bloggers” like Black Hockey Jesus or Backpacking Dad to notice my “tweets” on Twitter.  (That’s what she said.)

It’s starting to feel a little bit like I’m back in high school.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some really nice comments and mesages from several of these “Mommy Bloggers” (I’ve got it — “VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS”!!  Get it?  Like the Vagina Monologues, but better.  We have a winner!), including Mommy Pie herself and McMommy and Auds at Barking Mad and Crash Test Mommy.  The ones that I have interacted with have been Fucking Awesome in their own special ways, and I wouldn’t expect anything less, given what great writers/VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS they are. 

But lately I find myself becoming a bit disenchanted with the whole VAGINA MONO-BLOGGING business. 

The BlogHer thing is what’s done me in.  I got into this whole blogging deal late in the game, I guess, and I didn’t even know this thing existed until the posts about how everyone was already going started.  I did look it up, and it looks very cool, and I would love to go to something like that and meet other VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS and see how they do it.  Being new to the game, it would be great to see what works, what doesn’t, what’s fun, what sucks, what’s easy, what’s hard, etc. 

And seeing how I started this VAGINA MONO-BLOG for fun but quickly decided I wanted to use it, somehow, to springboard into a real writing career instead of the mind-numbing technical shit I write now, it would probably be beneficial to see how these very accomplished women use their blogs for professional gain, or if they do at all, or if it’s even possible.  Maybe I’m just spinning my wheels here.  (Which, even if I was, wouldn’t stop me from blogging because I like it and I like to think I’m pretty good at it and it beats going to the gym.)

But, alas, I am NOT going to BlogHer (yeah, I said alas - fuck you).  I wasn’t invited and even if I had been I couldn’t go, because I can’t afford a trip to San Francisco right now and I really doubt I could stand to leave my baby Bean for even one night, no matter how bad ass it would be to see the Fish Market and ride a cable car and drive across the Golden Gate and maybe catch a gay marriage ceremony or two. 

But they keep writing about it.  And writing about it.  And writing about it.  Which I guess makes sense, since it’s The Big Thing for them right now and after all, blogging is all about whatever Your Big Thing is at the moment.  And it’s only going to get worse as the conference gets closer, and as they all start panicking about what they’ll wear, how their hair looks, who they’ll meet and get shitfaced drunk socialize with.

I’m not going, and I won’t be missed.  And I’m not In the Club, either. 

Basically, I’m that kid in high school, the one that wants SOOO BAD to be in with the cheerleaders and the football players that I’d sell my soul and eat my boogers if it would get me a foot in the door (but eating my boogers would *probably* have the opposite effect). 

I’m the kid that sits at the table JUST to the left of the cool kids’ table in the cafeteria, eating my tray of mystery meat and tots (Napoleon, give me some of your tots) while I watch the cheerleaders flip their hair and the football players puff up their chests as they all eat sushi their maids packed for them and complain about the theme of the upcoming homecoming dance.  (I’ve also seen WAAYYYY too many John Hughes films.)

So what I’ve decided is this:  I don’t care about being In the Club anymore.  I’m not going to try anymore to be cool.  I’ll be happy being the dorky kid who uses words like wont and alas and who’s allergic to sushi and breaks out in a nervous sweat when someone I admire leaves a nice comment on my blog.  (Seriously, Laurie Kendrick – a nervous sweat.)  I’m going to continue writing posts that I like and I’m only going to publish the ones I’m really proud of, and I’m not going to worry about who’s reading them or if they like them.  I’m not going to focus on Blog Stats or traffic (okay, that part is a TOTAL lie) but instead I’ll focus on becoming the best writer I can be — and if it’s good enough, the VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS will flock to ME instead of me trying so hard to be one of THEM.

I will continue to spend late nights reading these fantastic VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS:  MommyPieAbsolutely Bananas, The McMommy Chronicles, Mommy Needs a Cocktail, Mommy’s MartiniCrash Test Mommy, The Benevolent Dictator (still gets the Best Name Award), Barking Mad, The Bloggess, Foolery, even Daddy Bloggers (PENIS BLOGGERS?) Black Hockey Jesus and Backpacking Dad.  Oh, and Alias Mother.  And That’s What She Blogged.  And Dreams, You Got It, Happy. And many, many more. 

I will continue to admire them all from afar and laugh out loud at their hilarious posts, and think to myself, Now why can’t I write like that? when I read something truly fantastic.  I will even continue to make comments when I think they will show what a hilarious, sarcastic bitch I am are funny and appropriate.

But I’m not aspiring to be anybody else anymore.  I’m just me, very happy with my modest little VAGINA MONO-BLOG, which is called The Bean because that’s my kid and he is Fucking Awesome.  I hope it will continue to get better as I read and learn and practice and observe more.  I hope it will find new readers and keep existing readers satisfied.  I won’t blow smoke up anyone’s ass here (I just LUUUUURV that saying) and I’ll never pretend to be something I’m not, no matter how much I might want to.

I hope you like it, but if you don’t, I can live with that, too.  Have fun at BlogHer.  I’ll be over here, with my boogers and my mystery meat.  And no sushi.

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129 Responses to “It’s Just a Blog”

  1. I too am still trying to escape high school. And all that writing about the Blogher conference? And the shoes? What’s up the shoes? LOL. Enough already. You will be missed in SF. Maybe next year?

  2. As we say here in Houston, FUCK THAT NOISE.

    I have a vagina (unused, unruly and as unkempt as it is these days) therefore my literary effort could be construed as a vagina effort, too. That said, I am going to start blogging every 28 days….PERIOD.

    As I seriously ponder going on an extended blogging hiatus, I leave you with this: Fuck labels and fuck blogging organizations and fuck bloggers who call each other by their sad ass blogging names. All of that is such hyperbolic shit. I all galled by it all.

    I’m glad to read your defiance. You don’t need any of that stuff. You’re a natural writer with innate gifts. You just don’t write, you emote and that comes across. Your life is your muse and that is so evident. . Revel in that Beej..seriously. And don’t make the same mistake that I’ve made. Don’t let numbers and hits the number blogrolls on which your blog appears, define you. Let your clarity define you.

    And your readers.

    I assure you; I never leave here as I arrived. I’m always moved.

    And that Beej, is saying something.

    Best,
    LK

  3. Dude….I soooo could have written this post, but alas (I use that word too, A LOT!), you wrote it and so beautifully.

    A couple of weeks back I wrote a post called, “Keeping Up With the Joneses” because frankly, I was where you are. Or where you were.

    And it frustrated me incredibly because I have been writing almost my entire life…I’ve been published and am thinking of going down that road again. And I let my place in the pecking order of Mommy Bloggers (oh how I hate that term, it’s somehow a deragatory thing now days) determine how I felt about my writing in general and I was starting to lose my own unique voice.

    Bossy read that post and left me a very interesting comment, she said; “You have to stay uniquely you. And the bonus is: people will appreciate you more.”

    And you know, she’s correct. I am the one who’s voice people want to read…not just a cookie cutter of Dooce, or any of the other myriad women who write, and who happen to have vaginas who have birthed babies from them and are now considered mommy bloggers.

    I let my own voice get lost in the cacaphony of other similar voices and echos out there.

    So now I am back to writing for me. Because I love it. Because I have to. Because it as much a part of me as my arms or legs or eyes. It’s not always going to be funny, or witty, or profound, but one thing I can always promise you, is it will always be uniquely mine. And I think Bejewell, you are well on your way to realizing that very same thing.

    Oh and one more thing…don’t worry about things like Blogher. it’s hard to stand out when you run with the pack…

    Thanks for the shout out, I appreciate it. Oh and m’dear, you’ve been up on my blogroll for some time! I plan on keeping you there!

  4. You are hilarious. But do we have to use the term Vagina Bloggers? It just doesn’t sound right ;)

    Seriously, I think you are a fantastic writer and should keep writing for YOU! Thank you for stopping by my blog recently and giving me the opportunity to come and find you! I hope you’re not sorry you left me a comment!

  5. I love Auds’ comment. Really, really good. And I love this post. And I love you. And I will never mention BlogHer ever ever ever. Yes I will. No I won’t. Yes I will. No I won’t. Yes I will.
    Ok so I’m conflicted. Please don’t hate me. ;)

  6. Umm…Wow. I am blown away and I totally feel like you yet would never be able to articulate it so well. Thanks for the perspective. I am glad now I post stupid stuff about Mike Rowe and tat’ing my feet. Even if noone else thinks I’m cool I think I am pretty groovy.

  7. Oh my god.

    And because YOU are THAT GIRL, I have suddenly turned into THAT GUY, who is so busy paying attention to the people he pays attention to that he can’t take the time to turn around for a second to see who is paying attention to him.

    Consort?? Awesome.

    And you know what? I feel exactly the same way you do. It’s easy to notice the people who AREN’T paying attention to you. So easy that I do it all the time and spend way too much energy thinking about what I can change.

    And then I don’t change. Because at the end of the day I’m only writing for a few people. I’m participating in the community as much as I can, because that’s just how I roll, and maybe I appear more of an insider than I am because I COMMENT a lot :} But that’s not the reality. The reality is YOU define where your community is.

    I know I’m awful about that blogroll, but let me explain :} No, there’s no accounting for it. I’m an asshole.

    This was a fantastic calling-out. It was genuine and sincere, and sincerity will get you far.

    P.S. I love you. whoops!

  8. Mkay, first off, I’m honored to be mentioned as one of the VAGINA BLOGGERS you read regularly. You’re one hilarious chick, and an amazing writer.

    And seriously, VAGINA BLOGGERS? I LOVE it. I’m SO using it.

    I can totally relate, my friend. I’ve found it’s waaay too easy to get wrapped up in the numbers. It’s waaaay too easy to lose your true motivation for blogging. I love to write. I love my daughter. That’s all that should matter, right?

    Easier said than done.

    The little hiatus I took this last week had some unexpected benefits. I didn’t look at my stats ONCE. That’s literally NEVER happened. It was liberating. Consider this my vow to keep it up.

    You so perfectly voiced something I think we’ve ALL gone through to some extent. I STILL go through it. Let’s make a pact to FUCK the John Hughes BS (although I ADORE the man) and just write. Because that’s when we shine.

    You in?

    One last thing — I’m not going to BlogHer either. I thought I was the ONLY one staying home. (GREEN with envy) Maybe we can wrangle the usual suspects for the trip next year?

    PS — HUGE apologies for not including you on the blog roll. I’m the worst at routine blog maintenance — truly an oversight. You’re going up NOW! (Next time just give me a virtual smack.)

  9. Kristen – I love you. Let’s be BFFs. We can shoe-shop together.

    Laurie Kendrick – You are Fucking Awesome. The world will lose something special and deep and wonderful if your blog goes away. Oh, also? TMI.

    Rachael – Just for you, I have changed my blog. VAGINA BLOGGERS will hence be known as VAGINA MONO-BLOGGERS. Better, right?

    Bananas – You are absolutely bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S! ANd I love you! BFFs forever?

    KB – You are one groovy chick and even more than that you have tattoos and I wish I was you. There I go again!

    Backpacking Dad – The cute boy in school just noticed me! I’m so nervous! You’re Jake Ryan to my Samantha. Trying to remember now that I don’t care.

    Mommy Pie, Mommy Pie, Mommy Pie. Oh, how I love thee. Why don’t you come over to my place while those other bitches enjoy sushi and massages at BlogHer? We can eat mystery meat and boogers and braid each others’ hair.

  10. I don’t think that BHJ is a man. I think that it is one of those alleged “cool” mommy bloggers posing as a male “consort”!

    Oh, don’t get me wrong, I still read and feel compelled to comment, and try to get their attention. Because I am a “New Media Whore” and that is what I do. Is there rehab for that? Maybe I can go while everyone else is at that Blog Thing a Ma Jig, that I can’t go to because I spent all my money on Botox.

  11. A couple-three things:

    1. I proudly accept the label VAGINA MONO-BLOGGER. Needs to be added to Urban Dictionary. See Mommy Pie, Doog. srsly.

    2. Am proud to have you on my blogroll. And proud to be on yours. Fucking proud. The end.

    3. Think you won’t be missed at BlogHer? WRONG. I’m so disappointed that you won’t be there. Really.

  12. Found you via Backpacking Dad and I am SO GLAD I DID!

    I loved what you had to say and found myself going “yeah, me too” throughout it.

    And I love VAGINA BLOGGERS! I think you have something there.

    Anywho….I’m not one of the big players, but you definitely have a new fan in me.

  13. So, if you’re looking for someone to ‘play’ with while everyone is off at BlogHer maybe we could have a playdate, because I’m not going to BlogHer, either. I just came over via Allison @ That’s What She Blogged (did I just say via?). I’ll be back to check out your archives, right now I’ve got some mommying to do.

  14. cool beans.

  15. Oh my god! I am so sitting at that table too, only at the other end because I don’t even have kids so I can’t be considered a Mommy Blogger! However, I’ll be your friend. I’m the shy one trying desperately to disappear into the wallpaper.

  16. You don’t have to be invited to BlogHer. EVERYONE is invited!

    That said, I felt the same way you did the first year of BlogHer, but then I went the next year and was blown away by how wonderful it was.

    Anyway. Funny thing about the vagina monoblog. I bought that domain 3 years ago and was just told by Eve Ensler’s people that it’s a copyright infringement and I may not EVER use it. And I am heartbroken because, seriously? Best URL in history, I thought.

    I’m glad I found this post (this blog) I love your honesty and I’ll be back!

  17. I had to track this post down via twitter because The Club was hinting at it but not making it easy to find. When I realized it was you, it was an easy click-through. Why? Because you reached out to me via twitter a while back and I reached back.

    Before I forget, I am adding you to my blogroll as soon as I finish this comment. Actually, I just twittered it directly, then I’m going to add it to my Google Share, then I’m going to add you to my blogroll. Why? Because I strictly use my blogroll to remind me who to read every day, not for any other reason. I don’t use a reader except to share stuff on my little blog widget, so that’s my “reader.”

    Crap, this is turning into a blog post in your comments. Can’t stop, so suck it, woman.

    I wrote a post called “Mommybloggers, Business, and why Parents Magazine hasn’t hired me, yet” that touches on how our personal blogs sometimes turn into launching platforms for real writing. I love that. I hear you. It’s tough.

    I also wrote a post called “Debunking and Demystifying the Big Name Blogger” or something like that. It was about what I have learned about “the cool kids table” while planning The People’s Party for BlogHer. BTW, you don’t’ get invited to BlogHer! You just go! Same for our party– everyone is invited! But I digress.

    The whole “cool kids” thing is total crap. No kidding. I’m not going to rewrite my post here in your comments, but it is really and truly pointless. Just write, damn it!

    This is my first BlogHer, too. I just started blogging last year around the time that everyone was getting ready to go and I flat out skipped all of those posts. Now I’m in a position where I need to write about BlogHer for our party and I know I’m going to annoy the people not going.

    Actually, that’s why I offered to take the business cards of everyone not going and distribute them for you at the People’s Party. That’s also why we are setting up a live feed from the party so that you can still interact with the people there from your own home that night.

    Holy hell, this is the longest comment in history. Do I get an award for this? Do I at least get added to your Vagina blogroll? I mean, Lord.

    All of this is to say that I hear you, too. Amen and all that shite.

  18. Yah…a nobody here BUT am going to blogher…so there all you big fancy bloggers !!!!!

  19. I came here via Velveteen Minds Tweet.

    This is SOOOOOO me last year at this time with the whole effing world packing and writing about BlogHer, BlogHer, BLOGHER. (BTW-You don’t have to be invited to go. You don’t even have to HAVE a blog to go.)

    I was really frustrated and you wrote a lot of the same sentiments that I was feeling. But, I felt I was unprepared, too small, not ready and in reality, I didn’t know a ton of people that were going.

    None of those facts stopped me from wanting to put a big badge on my blog that said, “I’m NOT going to BlogHer and you all can effing screw yourselves, so PPPPFFFTTH!”

    So, I made it a goal to go this year. And I am. I got to know people that were going and have been saving up for a year. I am volunteering to cut my costs and have been trying to prepare for it the best I can.

    It’s hard to feel like you’re on the outside looking in. The thing is, even when you have a healthy traffic and blog following you still have moments (sometimes a lot of them) where you feel like that. There will always be people that ignore you or just don’t have time. There will be people who will ignore you if you aren’t a certain status or have a big enough blog. (I’ve been there as recently as oh, today.)

    One thing to keep in mind, though-often the main issue with more established bloggers is that there are just so many people vying for attention. There are very few blogger who ignore out of contempt or not caring (although, frankly there are a few out there) mainly it’s just that they are overwhelmed a lot of the time and have had to draw a line in the sand about how much they can invest.

    There are so many times I have envy when I read the cool things and opportunities of friends. Not that I am not happy for other people, I am. I just want a piece of the pie sometimes, too. It’s a human reaction.

    Anyway…I just wanted to say that I loved this post and I have empathy.

    P.S. The whole Backpacking Dad thing gave me a good chuckle. He’s all kinds of awesome.

  20. Hi! Followed VelveteenMind’s twit to your amazing blog post.
    Hear! Hear!
    You’re exactly where I was a year or two ago. Except I was lurking on a ton of infertility blogs, so not only did I feel like the geeky kid on the sidelines, but I was the geeky kid who really didn’t belong.
    Then I found my peeps and my own voice, and I kept lurking on the “cool” blogs, but it didn’t matter so much to me to be a part of their clique. Exactly like high school when I realized that I liked my friends better anyway… and the cool kids did stuff at their parties that made me feel funny. So I was glad not to be invited anyway.
    I found out about BlogHer two years ago, just like you, too late to do anything about it, too newbie for it to be worth the expense. Then last year I was in the hospital post C-section reading all the BlogHer reviews and liveblog posts. And this year, yes, I’m finally going. Because I live 40 minutes (driving) away. And because I finally think I can get something out of it. Oh, and because I realized that it’s not about being invited… you just go if you want and they are so very welcoming to newbies.

    OK. Sorry about the hijaked comments, but I also had to add:
    I just started a freelance writing career. (Like last week.) My first three jobs have been earned on the merit of my “Mommy blog.” So really in the end, it really is about the writing and the community at large and not so much being part of the cool kid gang.

    Now I’m going to go peruse the rest of your blog, because dude, you rock… and I have a hunch I’ll like the rest.

  21. P.S.
    Sorry about the length of that comment!
    (I was actually just trying to give Velveteen Mind a run for her money!)

    P.P.S
    Dude.I have to say it- Y commented on your blog! Tons of people would give their left boob for that. (Including me. And my left boob cost a pretty penny, believe you me.)

  22. Nobody knows me and I’m going! Come be my friend!

  23. I’ve read blogs for about 4 years now and I see this theme crop up before and after Blogher each year. I respect the idea of the People’s Party and the attempt of some women to crack through the high-traffic glass ceiling, but I don’t agree that it isn’t there. There IS most certainly an attempt by some of the bloggers who see a pecking order to try to stay on top, keep advertisers and book publishers on lock-down, an in effect try to reinforce a smaller monopoly. Some even degraded other blogs, calling them derivative, as if any thing is truly unique out here. Yes, anyone can go to Blogher if they know about it, though not everyone will speak. And all of the preliminary bantering always has a flaunting priviledge feel. I hope those going have a chance to talk about the Sweetney attack and some posts like yours, because they really go a long way to articulating how we need a different type of leadership if we want a real community. Great post.

  24. Nobody knows me and I’m going! Come be my friend!

    PS that’s why I don’t have a blogroll. I would be too sad if I put someone ion my blogroll and they didn’t put me on theirs.

  25. I rarely go back and check for comment updates, but I love this discussion.

    I should clarify as a follow-up to Blog Starr’s comment, that I do recognize that there is a cool kids table, but I think that the fact that there is one is total crap. I think that thinking for a pig-flipping second that there is any value in a pecking order is shite.

    Because the people at that table? They may not now and may not ever have deserved to be there. But damn if they are going to budge, huh? Fine. Don’t move. Soon, your table is going to be the stalest table in the room.

    That’s why I say just write. Write and write and write. A few months ago, City Mama told me to just write and people would find me. I’m still waiting, but I do believe her. No one said they would find me the next day.

    And how fun is it to see a comment by Blog Starr? Am I the only one that doesn’t know who she is???

  26. i am not going to blogher either. part of me wants to go and part of me wouldn’t really know what i was getting into i’m afraid. i have been blogging for over 2 years, but i had never heard of blogher until this year. my blog was a private affair until this past november…updating family and friends on our lives overseas. (we live in turkey and an actual trip to blogher would totally be impossilbe!) i was feeling somewhat dissatisfied with the whole life overseas thing so i opened it up to the public. and while my readership is way more than the two relatives and 3 friends who read it before november i would in no way say i am in the club. any club. i read some of those in the club. some of them are great writers..some funny…some poignant. i had to decide to blog for me. i write for me. and if anyone reads it and finds it interesting enough to come back for a second visit then i am beyond thrilled.

    will i do blogher next year when i am living back in the states? i have no idea…the thought of sitting through a conference and in meetings doesn’t really sound fun to me at all. but socializing…just hanging with the girls…that i could totally do. oh…and that favorite word of yours…i might say it if i wouldn’t totally get disowned by everyone i know and get my husband fired from his extremely conservative job…did i mention we live in turkey?…yeah.

    thanks for a very thought provoking post. i really enjoyed it…from one vagina mono-blogger to another!

  27. What’s BlogHer?

  28. (lolololol roflmao…)

    (am I laughin’ in a corner by myself?)

    (doesn’t matter, the tears, they do roll, which is always a GOOD thing)

  29. Wow! Thanks for speaking up for the “band nerds” of the blogging world everywhere. (Seriously, I was “Band Queen” in high school, so I can say thanks from all of us. That and a tiara are pretty much the only perks.)

    I know exactly how you feel, although I’ve never been able to put it into words.

    I started a blog because I wanted to write. I’m a good writer (some days more than others) and it may literally be one of my only talents. I write about being a mom because honestly that’s the most important gig I have right now. That job colors and changes everything I do and see.

    I think we all write because we’d like to think that in some small way, people want to read what we’ve written…that they connect with it.

    I wrote for months before I got my first comment. It was from Absolutely Bananas, and she’s been my hero ever since. That comment meant so much, even though I was mad at myself for having it mean anything. I wanted to be the blogger who took the high road and didn’t need anything except the writing.

    But in reality, I think we all crave community.

    It would be nice to have the traffic and the subscribers that some of the other A-listers have. Maybe I’d be invited to sit at the cool kids’ table for the first time in my life. But, I often wonder how many people those bloggers are really reaching and how many are just reading.

    I didn’t just read your post today. It resonated with me. That makes you an A-lister in my book.

  30. Great post. I have felt many of the things wrote about and I have come to the conclusion that I don’t care if anyone notices me.

    I can’t even get my husband to read my blog…why would anyone else want to.

    I will just write for me and be happy. I already know that I’m awesome because Loralee told me so.

  31. I’m not going to BlogHer. My wife won’t let me because she knows I AM ALL MAN, MOMMA’S TANTRUM! She knows that if a woman is nice to me that I’ll want to fuck her because I AM ALL MAN, MOMMA’S TANTRUM.

    WTF MOMMA’S TANTRUM?!?

    Anyway, you hit on the big secret. If you merely write these blogging whores’ names and link to them in a post, they come running. They love the vision of their sweet sweet names.

    Did I hear someone say Black Hockey Jesus?

    Good move calling everybody out. I went for broke and just started sending Dad Gone Mad Danny Evans a bunch of email calling him a little bitch. Next thing you know, I’m on his elitisi blogroll. People don’t want sucking up. They respect balls.

    As you said, in the end, TRY to forget the popularity thing and merely write like your head is on fire. People flock to fires.

    Also, change up the name. I’m serious. The Bean is not going to get you traffic. Try to get Vagina in the title. Fuck Eve Ensler. Call yourself The Vagina Momalogue or whatever until she comes to sue you. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAFFIC YOU’LL GET FROM EVE ENSLER SUING YOU?

    I’m fucking serious.

    And I know how you feel and it will never end. I had 75 comments the other day. Do you think I’m happy? I will NEVER be happy until GGC Rebecca Dreamy Woolf is my #1 fan. Never. There’s no quenching our needy thirsts. But opiates do take the edge off.

    Personally, I like Cock Blogger.

    Consider me a reader. I’m so hotter than Backpacking Dad.

  32. This was a great read — how refreshing!

  33. Dude, you have to be invited to go to BlogHer? Maybe that’s my problem. ;)

    Seriously though, I’m glad I’ve found this blog (via Loralee, you rock chicka) and this post. I’ve often felt a lot the same way. The last year or so I’ve mellowed out considerably and gotten really comfortable with my blog’s status in the scheme of things (or shall I say, lack thereof).

    So no one has ever asked me to go to BlogHer. The first (very first ever!) I was just several months into this whole blogging gig but I thought BlogHer sounded like SUCH fun. So the next year I went. And then again last year. This year? Going again. I’m a Serial BlogHer Attendee. And I’m scared off my nut every year to show up and have people look at me like I”m a circus freak. (It’s my hair isn’t it? My clothes? Do I smell?) And you know? It’s never as bad as I think it will be. In fact, it’s a lot of freakin’ fun. I’m often surprised to get back home and read posts where people felt left out because REALLY? I didn’t get that at all.

    Anyhow. GOD, did I talk about BlogHer enough? I’m going to go flog myself.

  34. Hey, try being a SINGLE *GASP* blogger in a world of Mommy Bloggers (yeah, that phrase sucks) I am definitely not in the club and probably never will be. And I’m pretty sure that up til recently, about 3 people read my blog. I kind’ve like being a loner though – and Twitter, frankly scares the shit out of me.

    Keep up the blogging. The Mini Tantrum was awesome.

  35. And PS I’ve never even heard of BlogHer, further proof that I’m not in the club. ha ha

  36. Black Hockey Jesus….dude, that was fucking hilarious! “Vagina Momalogues” I about wet myself.

    Seriously Beej, that’s not a bad idea, seeing as how Eve Ensler’s “people” got their panties in a bunch over it.

    You know, this gives me a great idea…

    Like others have stated, I don’t often come back to the table once I’m done eating, but I wanted to come back tonight for dessert. So many great comments and so many are thankful that you’ve articulated what they are feeling.

    And I agree with the above mentioned sentiment, just write dammit!

    I so see a Nike-like swoosh thingy coming with “just write, dammit” emblazoned on it.

    Beej – hope you don’t mind, am going to feature you this week for my Monday thingy.

    Again, bravo on a beautifully written topic.

  37. Love the comments. I clicked over from Loralee’s blog.

    I bet I can top everyone. I am having my TITTIES FELT UP the opening day of BlogHer. That’s right. I’m having an effing mammogram that day. ;)

    I’ve never been to BlogHer, although I did attend the Camp Baby Johnson & Johnson thing in April and it was very cool. That was just a tad overwhelming to me so I can only imagine how many glasses of wine I’d need at BlogHer.

    I’m sure I will pretend I don’t care anything about not going to BlogHer but I’ll be stalking everyone in attendance and scoping out the cute shoes. Mwaa haa haa haa.

    But yeah, I’ll be titty flashing on BlogHer opening day. Cheers!

  38. I’m new to this scene. It’s definitely like high school a little to me, but now I appreciate cool people more. And I have more self esteem. MAYBE.

    Anyway, hi. :)

  39. I seriously wish I had the wit to write something like this — or even compose a comment that would add to your wit, but alas (hee), I do not.

    However, brace yourself for a lame comment -

    THANK YOU for writing this!!

  40. Beej…can I call you Beej? Are we there yet in our relationship yet?……simply put: This post was AMAZING! I swear I was floored that you mentioned me….mainly because I consider myself extremely uncool in the blog world. I am not going to BlogHer either. I started blogging way too late in the game….plus I swear, I would be the type who would go to maybe one meeting and then my eyes would all glaze over…and then I’d be twittering you and MommyPie saying “doogs, if you are anyone who’s anyone…you’ll ditch this boringness and come meet me for a drink at fill-in-name-of-bar-here.”

    ha ha!

    Ok, I’m off to add you to my blogroll. For the record, I am terrible about updating that thing.

    Also, lately I have turned back into a lurker….doing more reading and not commenting. I just don’t want to get sucked into the deep dark abyss of “u comment I follow”. I like to keep expectations low….that way, no one requires anything of me.

    But, I have to say….I am honored to be a Vagina Blogger. It makes me feel cool. Even though, as we all know, I am very uncool. And if you don’t believe me, then obviously you have forgotten that I have a goiter.

  41. Clilcked over from Loralee’s, too.

    I didn’t go to BlogHer last year, and it was so rough reading the accounts. I just wanted everyone to shut up about it.

    I’m only going this year because I can drive…and I’ve promised myself I’ll do my best not to blog about it in advance. Mainly because I don’t have anything to say about it.

    LIke Y said, you don’t need to be invited; you just register. I am a bit nervous to meet all the “real” bloggers.

    And hey! What with Backpacking Dad and Y and others commenting…uh, dude. You’re sitting at the popular table now!

  42. Glad that Loralee linked to you – I can totally relate. I don’t even have the season’s most important accessory: a child. So you’re over there with your boogers and whatnot, and I don’t even have poopy diapers to change to get me into the Vagina Mono-blog group. (Wait – I do have a vagina… is that enough??)

  43. Year before last I heard about Blogher and thought it was a snooty invitation-only thing too. Then I realized it was open to the world and saved up all my Christmas and Birthday money (seriously, I didn’t get anything from anyone in my family…just cash for a plane ticket) and it was awesome. Now every year it’s my Christmas and Birthday present. Even though technically I’d only started The Bloggess like a few weeks before and was writing for another that blog that I don’t even blog for anymore I was shocked at how nice everyone was to me even though most everyone I met didn’t know who the hell I was. I hung out with bloggers who were very popular but who I knew NOTHING about and vice versa and with bloggers who were only read by me at the time. I never noticed any sort of “echelon” system but then, maybe it’s because I’m not popular enough. Anyway, blogging isn’t about popularity. It’s about making money. Kidding. It’s not about any of that because technically even if you’re popular today you probably won’t be next year and really it means nothing in the real world. I spend all day doing spreadsheets at my real job and most of the people I know in real life think I’m a giant dork and don’t even know how to spell “blog” or just call it my “glob”. They aren’t being sarcastic. They really just could care less. In real life, just as in high school, I’m the girl hiding in the bathroom.

    Ps. I suck at commenting (ask Y, mommypie, everyone else in the universe) but I totally know who you are and read you. You rock.

  44. Awesome post. This is my first time here, but I’m so coming back.

    I am one of those annoying people who keep going on and on and on AND ON about BlogHer – but I hope you won’t hold that against me. And since you can totally invite yourself, hopefully you’l be able to make it there next year.

  45. Ummmm… yeah. There is NO way I can comment back to each of you individually. So here’s what I will say, in the case that any of you come back to see me and my Fucking Awesome Blog.

    I’m completely blown away by how many comments I’ve gotten on this post. Today the number of people visiting my blog TRIPLED my previous highest day. (Not that I was watching my Blog Stats, or anything. Oh no. Not me.)

    This wasn’t one of those posts that I planned out, or thought about days before I wrote it. It only occurred to me yesterday when I found myself muttering “It’s just a blog” under my breath. (I often give myself little speeches in my head – yes, I know that makes me crazy – to calm myself down when I realize I’m taking stuff too seriously, which I am often wont to do.)

    (Wont and alas, motha-fuckas, wont and alas).

    That’s what I was doing yesterday, taking all of this VAGINA MONO-BLOGGING business waaaay too seriously. Wishing waaaaay too hard that I could be one of the cool kids. Trying waaaay too hard to get Into the Club.

    Turns out, the best way to get In is just to be honest, call it like you see it, don’t bullshit yourself or anyone else and say it exactly how you mean it. Yeah, it’s a little Afterschool Special, but fuck it, it’s true. And really, what I’m getting from a lot of these comments is that there really IS no Club and we’re all a bunch of fucking losers at heart.

    I almost trashed this post after I wrote it, scared that I’d offend or piss off someone whose work I really admired. I’m really glad I didn’t.

    Starting a dialogue wasn’t my intention, I just wanted to purge all my old high school wannabe bullshit and feel better about myself. And I do, baby, I do.

    If any of you other Losers-Like-Me wanna come sit at my table, come on. There’s plenty of mystery meat and boogers to go around.

    I’m so grateful to all of you for your comments. You Fucking Rock.

  46. P.S. I just went back and counted, and I only said “fuck” five times in that last comment. It really seemed like more when I read it back. Sorry, Miss Turkey.

    Oh, also? Black Hockey Jesus? I totally have balls. Even my therapist thinks so.

    And Bloggess? Thanks.

  47. Yo, I came by via Loralee’s Looney Tunes. I love that you wrote this post. I was like “Amen, Sistah!” the whole time I was reading it and then I was like, “damn, why didn’t I write that?”

    I’m glad I found you!

  48. I would love to go to Blogher. If for nothing else than to get away from my crazy houseful of children and go on a fun airplane ride and get drunk with strangers. I guess I could just go to, say, Branson?

  49. Your blog is very well written, funny as hell (despite all the f-bombs, hahaha), and mostly I can totally hear YOUR voice when I read it.

    Who cares what the Popular Kids think?

    I blog for about 3 people. I think maybe 5 read my blog w/ any regularity. That’s okay b/c as nice as it is to get the occasional accolade from one of my twitter pals, I am not writing for anyone but me.

    So keep up the good work sister. B/c really. You are THAT good.

    Cheryl ~
    @jasperblu

  50. 50+ !!!

    Now how do you follow this up? Yeah I know. See? There’s no happiness here. It’s crazy.

  51. “Turns out, the best way to get In is just to be honest, call it like you see it, don’t bullshit yourself or anyone else and say it exactly how you mean it.”

    Amen. There really is no club, but that doesn’t mean people want to be friends with an obvious “climber” who is tripping over herself trying so hard to get everyone’s attention. It’s annoying and off-putting and even though I am new to your blog I am SO GLAD to hear that you aren’t going to do that anymore. It’s like the boyfriend who tries to avoid a breakup by smothering you: what seems like a proactive approach is actually the last way to get what you want. No one can force anyone to be friends with them, and I don’t know why they would want to even if they could.

    Blogging is only like high school for people who still act like they’re in high school. And that includes trying to manipulate people to get attention, even if your intentions are good. That includes being so self-conscious that you’re convinced everyone is rejecting you when really they’re just busy. That includes taking everything that happens in the blogosphere personally. Teenagers make THEMSELVES miserable with this crap, and so do bloggers, and until I actually see a group of cool bloggers throwing eggs at a hapless dork blogger, I refuse to blame anyone but the supposed “victim.”

    Bravo for rising above … and it’s sad that such an attitude would be seen as radical or defiant. If you ask me, it’s just plain healthy … and a lot more mature than complaining about how the blogosphere is NO FAIRRRRRR. Considering how many times all of our parents informed us that life is not fair when we were actually IN high school, I’m not sure how some of us missed it.

  52. Hi, I’m Heather and I’m not going to BlogHer either.

    Wanna share mystery meat and boogers?

  53. You is Awe. Some. ;)

  54. Came to your blog through stumbling which is my little addiction. Anyhow, great post. We focus on everything verses just doing what we love to do and doing it for us. The rest falls into place. At least I tell myself that. I didn’t even know you had to be invited to blogher. You do? That’s fucking stupid right there! Love that you swear to. I feel so good now that I wrote that! Yahoo!

  55. You’re the uncool one? Look who shows up late to the party EVERY TIME. Christ on a cracker. I always miss the good stuff.

    I think about this all the time. I’ve been writing for well over a year, get very, veeerrrrry little traffic, and take it super-personally, um, often. Because my writing isn’t that bad, you know? There’s worse writers out there that are making money, getting “real” writing gigs, and becoming the talk of the Vagina Monoblogs. And then I start fretting that maybe I need to reveal more, sulk less, put up pictures, dip into the deep end of the pool, etc.

    But here’s what I think, on those days when I am able to rise above it all. I think I could get more traffic. I think I could optimize my blogroll, better my design (or actually get a desgn *cough*), post better entries, go to BlogHer, get advertisers, and make enough money to purchase approximately one new pair of shoes a year. So why don’t I? Because that crap takes time. And dedication. And a willingness to look at your life like material to be marketed. And I don’t want to market my life. I want to live my life. And I want write about little bits of it when I want to and not when the advertisers want me to. And I want to post these little bits of it without worrying if it’s the best entry ever written. And that’s all I can manage right now.

    As for BlogHer…meh. I go to enough conferences for my day job. The floor of my car is littered with discarded “My name is…” stickers. Who needs more?

  56. I’m not a mommy, but I am a blogger, and you, my friend, rock. I’m pretty new to the game, but I totally see where you’re coming from. You’re in a class of your own!

  57. Great post. I ditto your sentiments. And alas, I shall not be attending BlogHer either. I’m still bummed over the fact they didn’t choose Boston.
    (BTW, lurve the Napoleon Dynamite reference!)

  58. I like your blog and enjoy your writing. By coincidence I added you to my blogroll about 10 days ago.

    Not that it’ll get you a lot of new traffic or anything…but at least it’s one more friendly face in the hallways.

  59. As I see it, DOOCE.COM has done more for my feelings of inferiority than that sexy young woman who just moved in next door. I was comparing EVERY THING I DO AND HAVE, to what she does and has.

    $40,000 a month income from her blog?? HAH! I’m probably the only blog that Google and AdSense refused free advertising on!!

    Then I realized that it’s all a matter of who, what, when and where, and I’m not anyone, don’t do anything, always a day late, and I don’t live in a mansion in the treetops.

    So……. you have 59 commenters and you’re still bitching? tsk tsk tsk

  60. Not one thing left to be said but this: I like your writing and your voice. I swing around less often than I’d like, but that’s true of every other blog I read. But I will be back. Keep writing for you and you alone, and I will, too.
    : )

  61. 62 freaking comments? Holy Toledo…this one is just a drop in the bucket.

    I’m sure that I have nothing to add that hasn’t been said…but I will say that when I was hiking with my dad this weekend, he told me that he followed my link to your key post and that he thought it was hilarious. I don’t think he’s ever told me that any of my posts are hilarious. He has said that about my husband’s, but never about me.

    Anyway, you are hilarious.

  62. Hey! I always did find the uncool crowd way cooler than the cool crowd. Wanna go to band camp with me instead of Blogher?

  63. I linked to this post last night, Miss Bejewell. I urged people to come read this, because it’s really worthwhile. A non-blogging friend from Twitter actually pointed it out to me; he said you think a lot like I do (but you voice it better, but he didn’t say that). : )

    Anyway, stop by if you can. Great job, once again!

    – Laurie @ Foolery

    http://foolery.typepad.com/foo.....logit.html

  64. Linked from Foolery. This is the first time here (I think! Any time I say that I think, what if I left a really long comment before that said how fabulous I thought the first post I was ever reading was and then said something about how I was going to add that blog to my daily reading list [as if I have one] but then type out another comment just like it, or even worse, what if I did that two or three times on that very blog before?).

    Where was I? Oh, so I was reading through the very fabulous post that was the first one (I think) I ever read here and expected, based on what you were saying about belonging, to see a handful of comments. But 65! You must be doing something right.

    I love posts about why people blog and what they get (almost–seriously, I don’t usually use this many parentheticals; I must be feeling extra aside-y today) caught up in trying to find readers, get that elusive mommy blogger to comment, etc.

    Vagina-mono bloggers is awesome.

  65. I’m not going to Blogher. I’m going to be sitting at home on my vagina working on my vagina blog. Which is what I do best. Nice post.

  66. Hi, I too linked over from Foolery and I think I am in love with you! Well, not like THAT, although I might have a tiny little blogger-crush going. Jeez, I’d kill for comments in the double-digits… I’m lucky to get two or three. BUT, while I may have had the same delusions of eventual blogosphere grandeur, I realize now that I would have to invest way more of my time (and my self) in making that happen than, frankly, I currently have to spare.

    But wow, can I hang out over here with you cool kids? You seem like you’re all way more interesting than the quarterback and the prom queen. I’ll bring a box of Merlot… whaddya say?

  67. Right there with ya sistah :)

  68. I found this post thanks to Foolery and am extremely honored that my name is in your list of blogs you read a lot. And I have to say that with 70 comments already, you are definitely far more “in” than I am. :) I’m not going to BlogHer either, and though I do like sushi very much, I had quite enough of being not part of the popular crowd in high school to last me a lifetime. So can I join you and MommyPie for some wine and hair braiding somewhere else while the conference is going on?

    I think you are right on: the only reasons to have a blog are to write about what interests you, work on honing a craft, and make some connections to community. But the thing is: it’s very very hard to figure out exactly what the “community” is, since it’s so fluid. I just put together an updated blogroll that took my list from 20 to about 65 blogs, and I still didn’t manage to include all the ones that I dip into periodically. You’re right that some are more compelling than others; but it’s also true that some are harder to find than others. I have commenters whose profiles are hidden to Blogger or whose links are broken, and I don’t know how to find them. And even though I try my hardest to visit back everyone who visits me, even with an average of only 15 comments on any given post, that is sometimes a herculean task that takes hours — since I also want to visit the writers who DIDN’T leave me a comment but whose work I love to read… and the list of must reads could spiral on forever.

    And I wonder, too, is one’s blogging community the very small group of people who you know read you every day and whom you read every day, or is it the massive range of people who drop in once, twice, or occasionally too? You and I started doing this at about the same time, so I am genuinely asking these questions: how do you decide where/when to spend your reading time? Just on your favorite du jour? Or do you visit back everyone who comments here? Or what? I’m finding it harder and harder to visit everyone without spending 5 hours a night blogging — which is just impracticable. What are your solutions?

    Sorry to hijack the comments with a sub-post. I’m at mommysmartini [at] gmail [dot] com if you have any interest in actually having a conversation about this; I’d love that!

  69. Amen! I’ve had it up to my eyeballs reading post about how excited people are about going to BH, and whether high heels are practical with all the free drinks and all. Blah, blah, blah.

    Thanks for the great post!

  70. See, now I think you are the coolest…even with that whole bugger issue.

  71. Well, I was going to say, “me too,” but holy hell you’ve got over 70 comments!
    Anyway, yeah, me too. I wonder who will notice me and then try to remind myself why I started this whole thing – to stay in touch with friends and make new ones. Every once in awhlie I try to write a post I think someone will “Stumble” or someone “big” will leave a comment – but I’m finding that’s just too stressful. So for now, I’ll sit with you, to the left of the in-crowd.

  72. Well shit…everything has been said already. I came from Foolery’s and I love your honesty no bull attitude here. I just started blogging a few months ago to chronicle my son’s Air Force journey which he’s not going to have now. I just wake up in the morning and share my pathetic no life with the few readers I have and love and don’t even care about stats. I never expect to be be at “the table”. What I enjoy most about blogging is READING others and living vicariously through their lives LOL!! I love to comment and they always want somewhere to comment back to…so hence my blog!

  73. Hi! Heard about your post from Velveteen Mind and had to come over to check it out.

    Totally get where you’re coming from and so does everyone else, it seems! I have blog envy too when it comes to “big” bloggers as well.

    I even started a website for us “band geeks” after Alltop was created and I felt left out. It’s called AllMediocre and anyone is welcome to join, so long as they’re not already on Alltop. It’s awesome, we get to totally shun the “cool” kids!

    My goal is to promote the blogs, and a sense of community, which will in turn increase subscriber counts, visits and comments. We’ve got well over 100 Mediocre blogs now and it’s proving to be a lot of fun! Come check us out. We’re not all mommy’s and there are even a few (2 at last count) men among us.

    Anyway, I’m working on a post about this right now as well, so I’ll be sure to add your post to it! Take care!
    Meghan
    AMomTwoBoys.com
    AllMediocre.com

  74. This is my first time on your blog and I think you rock but then I am in the very uncool crowd too ;)
    Awesome post!

  75. I live in walking distance of BlogHer. I’m not going. Definitely not cool enough. Even if everyone was nice to me, which I’m sure they would be, I wouldn’t feel like anyone wanted me there, I’d feel like they were allowing me to be there. And that’s not the way i want to be someplace.

    I like your writing style.

  76. I think I have just found a blog that I will read diligently. A writer who cares not about the numbers, but of the art of the craft.
    My God, I read this three times, then spent a while on the comments.
    First of I have struggled to come to terms with the whole “Moomy blogger ” term. There are some decent writers, but at leat 3 posts a week they drift of and post pictures of shoes for Christ sake.
    I know another Diva that whens her numbers start to fall off she posts the same picture of her kid with an ice cream cone in his cute little face. I swear she trots out the same picture 4 times a month. Then if her self esteem starts to fall, she parades out the proverbial picture of her in the bikini, along side some hot guy who she claims is her husband. “Do I look fat in this”? the post screams. What follows is 188 comments..”YOu look amazing…who is that hot guy…don’t change a thing…: So my cynicisms grows daily at the whole idea of blogher or whatever the hell they call it.
    Bossy who is an “A” blogger and in the stratosphere of the super elite is at best an ok writer. Her smarts is the ability to con car companies to give her a car to tool around the country in if she mentions the name lots , and good people to climb all over each other to have the lady in their home and buy her food and. In essences, if you are a have crowd appeal, you can get free vacations.
    But I am so happy to have found your wonderful refreshing piece of the blog world.
    For doing this, this post, I applaud you!
    If I see one more post with 5 ladies shoes I’m going to shoot somebody!
    David

  77. I liked the lunch ladies and didn’t mind the mystery meat. It might explain my plumpness.

    You can sit at my table whenever you’d like. But I draw the line at boogers – you save that crap for the privacy of your Chevette like the rest of us do.

  78. Found a link to this post at Barking Mad and thought I’d check it out- So happy that I did!
    I too am a big dork and would be happy to join you at the undesirables table if you’ll have me.
    Can’t wait to see what else you have to say!

  79. I’m not going to Blogher either and I feel the same way. I’ve been blogging for as long as you have and while I do have readers (OK at least my Dad read my blog because he was the first person to leave a comment on it after I had it going for several months – how sad is THAT?!!!!), I wonder how do I break in with the cool kids or do I even have a group of cool kids to break into because I’m not a VAGINA MONO-BLOGGER (I just have a one-eyed nonsissy toy dog who Kicks ass!) I’m just a chick who like to hit stuff with hammers and call it home improvement. And as I have come to find out, the DIY deal is SO FIVE MINUTES AGO.

    I’ll share my tots with you while all the cool kids play in San Fran. We’ll drink mojitos made with the mint growing on my patio.

  80. Wow. This post really hit home. I’ve thought and said and even written those things. I loved reading it.

    If it weren’t for BlogHer’s stipend for speaking, I wouldn’t have been going either. Divorce=uncooperative husband that was not happy for me and didn’t want to front any money.

    And can I just add that I LOVE that random little smiley face in your footer?

  81. Well, I am just number 85 but I have to comment anyhow. I got here through Barking Mad (thanks Auds!). I could have written this post myself, I know how you feel! I am not new to writing, like you I’ve been doing it forever, but fairly new to blogging seriously.

    At first it was just for fun, but suddenly I realized that while I don’t have the time right now to write a novel or work seriously on fiction, this is a perfect outlet for me. It’s helping me dip my toes back into writing as a talent/serious hobby from the several years long hiatus I took. I look at my stats, I am a total comment whore (I think the most comments I’ve ever gotten on a post is like 6) and would give one of my toes for more readers. Not really. Well, maybe.

    Anyhow, thank you for writing it all down and much better than a lot of us could have done! It’s always nice to know that other people feel the same way, and to get encouragement to JUST BE OURSELVES and what comes will come.

    Not much else I can say that hasn’t been said except that I’ll be back!

  82. One of your pathetic second-date guys here. I clicked through after you commented on my blog, and fell in love. So just do what you do, and we’ll be here.

    Off to see why the dog is licking the carpet….

  83. I’ve traveled the arc you describe in this post too — the wanting to be in the “in” crowd, the wondering why no one linked to me, or commented on my site, or gave me an award, or etc., etc.
    Then, I circled to “I don’t care!” I just want to be me!”
    Then, I decided to end my blog.
    Then: I reveled in my individuality.
    Then, wanted to be everyone else.
    And now, I’m back to not caring.

    It’s a cruel. cruel cycle.

    But I hear you. And I relate. And from one vagina blogger to another: I’m proud of you for being so honest.

  84. Hey we (fellow uterous bloggers) are putting together the anti Blogher weekend for Oct. meeting in Dallas. We are working on a name right now. Could be BlogBlur (lots of alcohol will be consumed) or maybe BlogEscape 2008 or even just Offline. Either way- you are way invited. WAY.

  85. Hi there,

    I followed a link to a link to a link and here I am.

    It looks like you’ve gotten PLENTY of feedback on your post already but I just have to say that everyone feels like you when they first blogging. How could they not?

    It’s a bit like going to a new school for the first time but eventually, you will find your place and your friends and you will be saying what I’m saying to you to some other newish blogger.

    And FWIW, I’m not going to BlogHer either. I’m supposed to be hosting a party, for crissakes! All my friends will be there, some that I haven’t seen since 2006, some that have never been before, and I’m pretty bummed but it’s okay. Next year will be twice as much fun and you will probably go, too, and have tons of fun.

    And this?

    and drive across the Golden Gate and maybe catch a gay marriage ceremony or two.

    Pretty damn funny :)

  86. I too came late to the party, being that my little modest blog has only been around for about two months. Just remember…… the kids that weren’t “cool” in high school had the most character (not to say anything bad about the people that are in the “in” crowd now. Just that there are many others out there that aren’t in the “in” crowd that have alot to offer).

    You have the talent. Don’t question that! Just exploit it for all that its worth!

  87. Came your way via Velveteen Mind. Stopped reading comments at 50. Muthafucker – you hit the fucking motherload with this one. I have felt this way so many times since I started blogging in December and I wish I’d been the one to write it (like you did but I’m not you, I’m me, hence the reason I didn’t write it cause it wouldn’t have come out as good…yes, I used the word hence, fuck if you don’t like it) Anyhoo, I loved your post but it’s kinda hard to do the pity the unpopular girl thing when you have like 90 fucking commenters telling you how much they fucking LOVE you. It’s kinda pissing me off. Anyhoo, I am going to BlogHer, not because I was invited (i wasn’t), not because I was asked to speak (i wasn’t), not because anyone else cared that i was going (because they don’t), but because I said damnit I wanna go get drunk with a lot of other drunks – so i’m leaving the husband with the kids (woo hoo) and takin’ off. Wouldn’t hurt if my traffic went up as a result either…just sayin’. Okay, so now I’m going to read you, and I may even put you on my blogroll, but if I do, you have to put me on yours too so make sure you check. Kay? Kay? Can I have your seat at the unpopular table since you’ve obviously moved? Beyotch.

  88. 92 comments! You are so at the cool table! I feel the same way at times. I think what’s hardest for me is that I visit everyone’s blog that visits mine (bc it’s easy I only have about 12 readers) and I get all butt hurt when BHJ won’t leave a comment on mine or someone else, etc. Then I realize how hard it is to keep up w/ my Google Reader and imagine what it’s like if you have 92 readers/commenters every day! Occassionally, Megan (Velveteen Mind) and Bloggess have stopped by and that gets me all excited. But, it’s just like anything else, you have to do it for you, bc you love it, not for anyone else.

  89. “Even though I DESPISE that term “Mommy Blog” – it sounds so fucking condescending, like Oh, you’re a MOMMY. And you BLOG. Yeah, I bet that’s just FASCINATING to read, I’ll be sure to check it out (not).” ”

    HAHAHAHA I feel exactly the same way. This reminds me of what happened last night, when my husband returned home and he knows what I do all day (take care of baby, clean, organize, keep house and, yes, blog). “What is wrong with you,? I mean, did you have a hard day?” This last part, “did you haave a hard day,” was articulated in an ironic tone (like real irony, not Alanis Morissette brand irony), or how you would inflect your voice if you were asking a spoiled child if they felt they had been cheated out of candy or something. Like, of course you didn’t have a hard day, unlike me, so of course whatever you are doing/saying is totally unreasonable right now and I’m tired of you, petulant child, now out of my sight.

    Oops, sorry for unloading on your comment area like that. But it’s all to say I liked your piece!

  90. As I am spending way too much finding great blogs to read, and coming into the game much too late as well, I am thrilled that reading Velveteen led me here.

    I am NEVER going to get to be one of those great big F-bomb dropping blogs because it just ain’t my style. Not that I don’t use it, but just not on my blog…sadly distancing me from the pack that feely curse like drunken frat boys…but feel free to drop by any given Saturday night and I’ll curse you out heartily!

    By sheer factor of my content alone I don’t get to be a cool blog, I blog about kids with cancer for the love of JOE! But, like so many said before me, keeping it sincere, honest and unique is what is important. I respect that and I’ll definitely be back to catch more of yours.

  91. What’s left to say but “Amen”?

    I’m glad Velveteen Mind pointed me here. It’s a huge GULP of fresh air!

  92. You wrote this just to get all those blogger you linked to coming here — admit it!

    Actually, I agree with you. The best thing you can do for your blogging, is avoid wanting to be part of the group. Be yourself.

  93. I’m commenting again.

    Yep.

    I’m the annoying girl that JUST.WON’T.LEAVE.

    97 is my lucky number.

  94. lol… welcome to the rest of the mommy blogging blogosphere.. glad you finally made it :)

  95. That was a great read! You are a fantastic writer, keep it up!

  96. re: the Black Hockey Jesus guy’s* comment suggesting you change your name – how about Flicking the Bean? That would be in line with the whole vagina blogging thing you have going on. hee!

    Anyway, it takes awhile to get known in this community and it doesn’t appear you have been blogging only but this year. I have been blogging for nearly 4 years and still no one really knows me. I try not to care and just write, because that is what my blog is about. I commented for YEARS on one gal’s site before she added me to her blogroll and acknowledged that I existed.

    *Only just heard of this guy TONIGHT. He’s supposedly a hot thing, so obviously I am not only a nobody but I am also ill-read. Eh.

  97. Um, yea. 100 Comments! I would say you are part of the “club”.

    I feel the same way you expressed.

    I gave up trying to be part of the club too and I think when you give up; more doors open. Strange how that works.

    And, if you hate my blog; just tell me right now so we don’t have to continue w/ an awkward bloglationship.

  98. Basically, here’s the problem…….I love my blog the best. I mean, it amuses me, it amazes me with the clever things tapped out of a mind so feeble it couldn’t even remember the who/what/when about my first kiss when my daughter asked me last week. I like reading other people’s thoughts and ideas but ultimately nobody writes a blog that caters to my whim and whimsy of weirdness.

    And I’m just fine with that now. It took me two years of LOOK AT ME!! WHY WON’T ANYONE LOOK AT ME??!?? shameless online attention whoring to realize that unless I’m pulling down six figures for my blog like Dooce, this is all pretty inconsequential stuff.

  99. yeah…that.

    you put it perfectly…and i know so…because i was thinking just the same thing the other day…and if i thought it too…well then it must be perfect, right?

    i didn’t starting vagina monoblogging for the #s…i started it because it was a creative outlet…but then i started getting sucked in, watching teeny-tiny little #s creep up ever so slightly…

    i’m starting to remember that’s not why i started…and that’s not why i want to continue. and, unfortunately, sometimes i think i’m better at commenting than blogging…(don’t hold me to that though).

  100. Wow….. I’m truly in awe. How did you know exactly what I was thinking?
    Well…except that I still don’t exactly know what BlogHer is. I guess I’m still the new kid in class. I always was the one that sat at the end of the popular kids table, and I don’t think they even looked at me or talked to me.
    I always wonder what to write about, and I usually censor myself based on what I think my mom will hate (yeah, seriously, can you believe that one? She hates and will absolutely not listen when I complain about anything to do with my job.)
    You have inspired me to write about anything I damn well please, and if she doesn’t like it, well, then who cares? (but really, if anyone else starts getting sick of it, let me know and I’ll stop.)

  101. I just found you via Velveteen Mind and I love your style of writing and will continue to read you. But I’m a nobody and my blog pretty much sucks but I still keep it anyway.

    I sooooo know where you are coming from though. It’s not much better on the craft/design blogs. They all reference each other and show the same shit over and over. If I see it on one, chances are it will be on another in a day or two. It just gets kind of cliquey and it sucks when you’re not in the clique.

  102. Also being the “clueless new kid” — the one with the JCPenney ensemble in a sea of Hollister and A&F mannequins — I can relate. Too many of these blog cliques have become mutual admiration societies and very hard to figure out. So, you rock for speaking out and saying what it looks like a lot of us having been thinking about for some time.

    MomZombie
    http://twoeggs.wordpress.com

  103. Hey… I LOVE your blog…and I follow it often. (My favorite random quote: “But I digress”)
    Ahem. But I digress…I know how you feel. Perhaps when I grow up my blog will be as cool as yours. :)

  104. It’s my first time visiting your blog (I think–I read too damn many of them!), but I just wanted to join the Impostor Syndrome party. I feel that way sometimes, too–even though I’m one of the contributing editors on BlogHer.com. :) There is only an “in” group if you let there be. Blogging is not, thank God, junior high.

    I wish you were coming to the conference. Maybe next year?

  105. I know I’m late for the party, but I just wanted to say that this was a great post!

  106. I missed the blogging boat too dear..I kind of feel like I’m the little pitiful soul in the lifeboat waving furiously at the cruise ship. I keep trying to get a glimpse of them through my little binoculars, and then I’ll paddle some more,.. But honestly, I just started a few months ago, and mine’s really for me – so oh well. For what it’s worth I like your blog and your writing and I love the whole vajayjay mono bloggers title.

  107. It’s all been said, but I thought I’d mention to your that I’ve been blogging since Jan 05 and I’ve never had anywhere NEAR 110 comments. ;)

  108. Well being 112th on the list of comments makes me feel kind of stupid but at least I can say thanks for writing this out–nice to know that others are feeling this way too. I’m going to Blogher but I have been physically ill for a week now over the whole thing (let’s just say food isn’t staying in me too well right now). I’m so nervous about meeting people and I”m positive I”ll be walking around with my foot in my mouth. I keep wondering if it was even good for me to go but then I keep thinking that “that which does not kill you makes you stronger” and figure I needed a crash diet anyway.

  109. Hey! I’m number 114!

    I’m not even a Mommy BlogHer, I’m a MedBlogger and I’m pretty sure no one at BlogHer has even read my blog! LOL!

    But I’m going to BlogHer (I live 20 miles away) for the hell of it and I’m even staying at the hotel!

    I’ll be in jeans and T shirts and comfortable shoes and handing out “business cards” to anyone who will take one!

    After 30 years as a nurse, it’s just fun to NEED business cards. : D

    So, I won’t be knowing a whole lot of folks but blogging is blogging and bloggers rock!

    ‘Nuff said!

    PS – this blog is great. I’ll link to you under “Off-Duty Blogs” (and I have a huge blogroll), it’s because I like YOUR blog and I don’t even need a second date! : D

  110. sorry i am late to the party!

    nice to meet you and your hundred plus friends!!

    pretty sure that means you are totally at the cool kids table.

    came over from mcmommy’s world and just had to say amen sister.

    and long distance high five for speaking the truth.

    now i will go back to my mystery meat.

  111. Hi- Found my way over from Mommy Cracked. Great post! You must have been swimming around in my head because this is exactly how I’ve been feeling.

    I’m really new to this and would love to go to BlogHer because I think I could really learn something but alas (uh huh) there’s no funds for such a major trip.

    Keep doing what you do.

  112. I’m gonna be that kid that reads the post everyone is talking about almost a full two weeks after the point but still feels the need to say, “oh my god, I feel the exact same way – it’s like you just wrote from diary – oh my god.” Okay? Seriously.

  113. I’m late to all the good parties….but I’m commenting anyway. Here’s the thing, just so you know: I WAS one of the cheerleaders (although I will deny to the death that I ever flipped my hair [let alone a combination hair flip WITH the giggle, {difficulty: 3.2}]) and I thought that would solve it, that now that I WAS one of them….I’d BE one of them. Yeah, not so much.
    My point – and I do have one, for once – is that you ARE one of them. (Actually, you might be even better than “one of them.” You might be the new guard. Keyser Söze v2.0, if you will.) It just doesn’t feel like you thought it would. But you so have the right idea: relax, enjoy, and do what you do best. Cuz to not enjoy it, thinking something is missing? That would be a crime, with your talent.

  114. Great post! I’ve been blogging for a year and a half, and I’ve gone through the whole love-hate-shame-hells-yeah! cycle with my blog, too. I’ve always felt like BlogHer is a cool kids thing. All the “Wooo! I’m getting drunk at BlogHer!” posts remind me juuuust a bit too much of the sororities I wasn’t cool enough to pledge in college.

    But maybe I’ve seen too many John Hughes movies. I’m Ally Sheedy, I like my little, no-readership blog, and I’ll be eating my Cap’n Crunch sandwich at your lunch table. You’ve been bookmarked. :)

  115. Next year? 2009? See you there? (I’ve been blogging for almost 2 years now and haven’t gone to a conference yet. I’m skeered.)

    In the Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Sarah’s Olympic Opinion

  116. gucci and prada also makes beautifully styled ladies shoes but are expensive ‘-*

  117. Great post! I’ve been blogging for a year and a half, and I’ve gone through the whole love-hate-shame-hells-yeah! cycle with my blog, too. I’ve always felt like BlogHer is a cool kids thing. All the “Wooo! I’m getting drunk at BlogHer!” posts remind me juuuust a bit too much of the sororities I wasn’t cool enough to pledge in college.

    But maybe I’ve seen too many John Hughes movies. I’m Ally Sheedy, I like my little, no-readership blog, and I’ll be eating my Cap’n Crunch sandwich at your lunch table. You’ve been bookmarked.

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