Over the weekend I published a blog post called It’s Just a Blog.  (Have you read it?  If you haven’t, you should.  It was Fucking Awesome.  Everyone said so.)

It got a LOT of traffic — maybe not as much as Dooce gets on a daily basis but certainly WAAAAY more than my modest little blog has ever seen.  It apparently hit several exposed nerves in the Land of the Blogosphere, because I had more than 60 comments as of this morning, and still counting.  For me, that is a ginormous number.  I even had a comment from my own personal Jake Ryan, Backpacking Dad, and another one from The Bloggess, whose big boobs I admire in the shower in my head.  (That was a Sixteen Candles reference for those of you who don’t know and just read that and thought I was a total perv.  The Bloggess DOES have big boobs, so I can see how you might make that mistake.)

Black Hockey Jesus (the ill-intentioned, feather-haired Steff in my imaginary John Hughes film world), in a deranged attempt to bring me down his infinite wisdom, posted comment number 51:  “Now how do you follow this up? Yeah, I know.  See? There’s no happiness here.  It’s crazy.”

And I really want to tell him fuck you thank him for the reality check, because it’s true – that’s a lot to live up to. 

I had this really great post about the art of People Watching already written, and it really is Entertaining, Insightful and Brilliant, and I was planning to put it up this week.  But now I’m all scared-bunny to publish it, because I somehow stumbled upon something that really resonated with people with my whole “Fuck BlogHer AND those In-Crowd Motherfuckers (Black Hockey Jesus this means you)” thing and now they all want me to reach back into their souls and find some other nugget of repressed angst that I can tear apart and feed to wild dogs.

That is a lot of pressure, yo!

(Note to self: Don’t use the word “yo” in a sentence ever again.)

So here’s what I’m gonna do.  I’m gonna put the Entertaining, Insightful and Brilliant post about People Watching aside for now, and instead I’m going to totally alienate you with a random tirade against a much-beloved character, and you’re gonna read it and you’re gonna go, “What the fuck?” and then you’ll realize that I’m really just a one-trick pony and you’ll decide to never visit this Vagina Momablog again.   

Except… in the back of your mind you’ll keep thinking about that crazy-cool People Watching post, so even though THIS post blew chunks, you’ll keep coming back to see if the People Watching post is up yet, and if it’s really as Entertaining, Insightful and Brilliant as I say it is. 

(Yes, I realize this entirely negates my newfound “Screw-You-In-Crowd-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Think-Of-Me” attitude, but what can I say – I’m a work in progress.) 

So here it is, for your WTF moment reading pleasure.  The Latest Thing That Is Pissing Me Off…

Fucking Elmo.

I just have to go on record while I have everyone’s attention and say FUCK YOU, ELMO.  You and your high-pitched, whiny voice that makes me want to rip my hair out (except then, you win), and your creepy friend Mr. Noodle, who apparently lives just outside your window only to serve at your whim (does this situation remind anyone else of The Gimp from Pulp Fiction?), and especially that whole referring-to-yourself-in-third-person thing, which is (1) teaching my kid bad speech habits and (2) totally narcissistic, you dick. 

 

 

What ever happened to the good old days on Sesame Street, before Kermit moved on to bigger and better things, when Big Bird, with his cloying, nasal voice and constant complaining, was as bad as it got? 

(Note: Some might argue that Grover was more annoying than Big Bird, but to those people I say EAT ME.  Grover is Awesome because Grover knows who he is and he owns it.  He refuses to use contractions even though it might make him look cooler, which I think we all know is a personal issue of mine.  AND he was The Monster at the End of this Book, which alone is enough to qualify him for Best Muppet Ever.  With Miss Piggy as a close second, but that’s a whole other post.) 

Sadly, the good old days are now gone, overcome by Elmo and his lame friends Baby Bear and Telly and Rosita (who also suck balls). 

Because of Elmo’s invasion and subsequent occupation of Sesame Street, my boy Grover has been relegated to only an occasional appearance here and there, during which he’s treated like a total joke.  They dress him up like a wannabe superhero and humiliate him with skits about clumsily trying to help his friends (like YOU, Elmo — you ungrateful shit) only to get shoved into a closet or beaten out for the title of Best Muppet Superhero by some random chicken.

Basically, I equate Grover with an old, debonair movie star, who was the Toast of the Town in his heyday but then committed the cardinal sin of passing the age of 40 and consequently found himself replaced by a newer, younger version… and later wound up playing Willy Loman in some nameless dinner theatre, or the “crusty old grandpa” on some ridiculous sitcom, with an exaggerated beer belly, making potty jokes for cheap laughs from an audience that really doesn’t care anymore.  (Not that there’s anything wrong with potty jokes.) 

Think All About Eve for the Muppet set. 

But I digress.

Most of Grover’s quality airtime has been replaced by an obnoxious segment called Elmo’s World, complete with a super-annoying theme song that sticks in your head like one of those irritatingly catchy Ace of Base songs song from the early 90s.  

(Shit, now I’m singing that one, “I saw the sign, and it opened up my mind and I am happynowlivingwithout you…” I won’t be able to shake that goddamned song for the rest of the day.  And you probably won’t either.  You’re welcome.)   

Elmo’s “World” is basically an imaginary room with a cartoon background and a stupid goldfish asking stupid questions and a computer that bounces around and says “You’ve Got Mail” like we’re back in 1995 when AOL was still The Shit.  And every now and then the cartoon shade pops up and they trot out this freaky Gimp-like character Mr. Noodle, who is played by a real guy (what hellish sin did that guy commit to deserve such a lame-ass gig?) with an unruly 1970s porn mustache and whose only purpose is apparently to annoy the shit out of me.

I HATE Elmo.  Hate.  Him.  I want to kill him.  Dead.

And this is where karma comes in, and punches me in the balls. (I do have them.  Even my therapist says so.)

My kid, the Bean, LUUURRVS Elmo.  Loves.  Him.

As soon as Elmo comes on TV, the Bean STOPS what he’s doing and stares, slack-jawed, at the TV screen.  He inches slowly to the television, mesmerized, until he’s as close as he can get without actually being INSIDE Elmo’s World.  A little smile begins to form, leading into a little laugh.  If Elmo dances, the Bean dances.  If Elmo screams, the Bean screams.  If Elmo were to say “Jump,” and if the Bean could actually talk, I am sure he would ask, “How high, Oh God Who Lords Over My Life? For I will gladly do your bidding, whatever you may require of me.” 

(Okay, that last part was a little Dungeons and Dragons.  Sorry.) 

(For the record, I have never played Dungeons and Dragons and don’t even know if that reference was appropriate.  No, really.)

My point is (yes, there is one), the Bean is enamored of this awful creature, this creature that I hate with a mad, blinding passion.  And because I’m the dumbass who got him hooked on it in the first place, I’m helpless to do anything about it.

The Big Bean tells me there are worse things for the Bean to be hooked on – drugs, booze, gambling, hookers, phonics.  And I know he’s right.  But still, did it HAVE to be ELMO?  Baby Bear, I could have lived with, even if he does have the lisp from hell and can’t pronounce his r’s.  Telly?  Okay, the triangle fetish is a little weird, but I could cope.  Even that jealous bitch Rosita would have been tolerable.  But ELMO?  Really?

And honestly, I just DON’T GET the whole third-person thing.  What fuckwad puppetmaker had the genius idea to create a new Muppet who would refer to himself only in the third person?  Was this dude on acid?  A rabid fan of Seinfeld in its “Jimmy” days?  Evil?  All of the above?

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is FUCK YOU, Elmo.  Get a real world.  The first time my kid refers to himself in the third-person I’m hunting your red ass down.

The End.

See you next post?  No?  Okay.  Sorry.   They can’t all be gems, you know.

___________________________

(Number of times the “f” word is used in this post:  10)

(Number of times the “f” word was used before I went back and reviewed and realized that (a) I was much more angry with a fictional puppet than anyone has any right to be and (b) I really say “fuck” a lot when I’m on a roll: 17)

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38 Responses to “You’re on Crack if You Think This Post Will Be as Good as the Last One”

  1. Dude you missed the boat with the Muppets post. I posted about Gonzo this morning at Halushki, and I fucking killed it. By the time people get here, they’ll be all YAWN – another Muppets post. You should seek to be my ally, Bejewell.

  2. Didn’t take long for jealousy to rear its ugly head, did it, BHJ? Scared I might steal some of your Muppet traffic? You should be.

  3. I’m your Jake Ryan and I’m not even on your blogroll? WTF?

    No, that’s too mean.

    So there’s this party up at the McTrendy place. You should totally come. I can give you a ride if you want. Cool. Oh, hey, and if you wanted to you could stay at my place. My parents are out of town but I promise I’m cool. I’ll be a total gentleman.

  4. Dude…I SO HEAR YOU!!

    Now my last blog post seems stoopid since you said the F Bomb and I am lame with my CRAP.

    CRAP I will never be as cool as you damnit!

  5. Beej….m’dear you ARE the “it” girl now you know…you are aware of that aren’t you?

    Yeah and I’m with KD..my last blog post about my doggie-treat eating toddler looks like dog poo next to anything you post.

    And for the record, Elmo is EVIL….pure evil. I’d even go so far as to say he’s more evil than that creepy little shit from The Omen (the original) or that pint size bastard that McCauley Culkin (is he even still alive?) played in The Good Son. My two year old is absolutely TERRIFIED of Elmo. I had to beat down some nasty beyotch last year to get the Imp one of those stupid TMX Elmo’s for Christmas…first thing she did when we took it out of the box and started to tickle it and it started having seizures (or whatever the hell it was doing) was to run for her life and immediately settle into hysterics. More than a year and half later the response to that little red wanker is the same!

    If he doesn’t sell in Saturday’s Mother of ALL Garage Sales, we are going to set him ablaze at next Wednesday’s bonfire night….I’ll dedicate the sacrifice to you, because YOU ROCK!

  6. Ah, finally, someone else who despises elmo! Seriously, wtf is with that thing and WHY are the kids mesmerized by him!? When my older son got over him just the slightest bit, all those damn elmo’s world dvds got kicked to the curb and I was SO damn happy!!

    And Grover? Totally the awesomest Muppet ever!

  7. Backpacker/Jake Ryan – Please re-check. Of COURSE you are on my blog roll. How could I possibly leave out the Homecoming King?

    KD – I am sorry but your last post was Fucking Awesome. Crap, was I not supposed to curse?

    Auds – If only wishing made it so. Do you KNOW what I would pay for the Bean to have the same terrified reaction?

    Apparently a woman sued the Sesame Street folks sometime last year because some talking Elmo toy she bought was defective. It was supposed to say “Who wants to try?” but it came out sounding like “Who wants to die?”

    I find that utterly hilarious.

    pgoodness – The Monster at the End of This Book was my all-time favorite bedtime story when I was little, and now it is my favorite story to read to the Bean. Grover will ALWAYS hold a special place in my heart.

  8. Are you kidding me? This post was even better. Get used to more readers, they’re not going to go away.

  9. Hooked on Phonics. You slay me! I think I’m in love with you.

  10. You totally just screwed yourself with that post.

    Because it was…dare I say…even BETTER than the blogher one–the one I thought couldn’t possibly be topped!!

    Now our expectations are REALLY high for the People Watching one.

    Sucks to be you.

    Remember us when you are a speaker at Blogher next year.

  11. I’m with you on the Elmo hate stuff. He’s not even welcome at the Yearning For Zion compound.
    Your previous post was right on too. I joined Foolery’s Blog*Hus and feel much better about myself.

  12. Oh, Sweet Zombie Jesus, how I hate Elmo. Even when I was little, I hated Elmo. Kermit the Frog was Where That Shit Was At, I don’t care what anyone says, but Rainbow Connection is still the best song *ever sung by a frog*, which admittedly puts it in a class of one, but by God, what a class!

    Anyway, Elmo – every single time I hear him scream ‘Yaaaaaaaay!’ I just wanna wring his tiny Muppet neck until he starts choking on his tiny Muppet blood.

    It’s a level of how geeky I am that as a childless twenty-something, I voluntarily bought a book on the history of Sesame Street and *read it cover-to-fucking-cover* last year. It has pictures. Jesus. But anyway, apparently Elmo was designed to have the mental age of 2 or something, and you know what? Even with this extra piece of knowledge, I still fucking hate him. When those Tickle Me Elmo toys started to malfunction and swear at or proposition people (as some of them did), I cackled with sinister joy. Stupid red Muppet!

  13. 75. Your last post comments are up to 75 now. And I didn’t want to add to your…ego? So I’m commenting here. How very sneaky here, eh?

    NOT going to Blogher either. Too late on the scene, too little $ in the pocket. And reading about packing…also not cool. I’d rather read hate-Elmo posts.

  14. Elmo is some kind of gateway drug. I know children who have never seen Sesame Street, never heard that grating little voice, NEVER heard Elmo refer to himself in the third person–not even ONCE–and they still swoon at his picture. I don’t know who designed that little creep, but he/she knew what he/she was doing. He/she made the he/she equivalent of he/she baby crack.

    That said, if you haven’t heard the guy who voices Elmo play “Not My Job” on “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” then you have missed out. That was funny.

    Grover rules, but personally I was more of a Snuffleupagus fan (correct spelling; I checked). Until they completely SOLD HIM OUT by making him visible to everyone, that is.

    Who knew I was still so passionate about Muppets?

  15. I really want the people watching post… Damn you for drawing me in.

    I have a hokey-cokey Elmo in my house, and I have removed his batteries. My small cousin asked me “when Elmo-friend died”. I felt bad… But not bad enough to replace his batteries.

    Seriously, I loved Big Bird when I was a kid. I think it accounts for most of my problems now.

  16. I’m with McMommy.

    Screwed. Be careful what you ask for … ;)

    And “Monster at the End of This Book?” Loved, loved, LOVED it as a kid. Bought it for MP possibly a leetle too early though … it’s been a year and she’s finally not too scared to read it. Or have it in her room at night.

  17. smalltownsmalltimes
    July 9th, 2008 at 2:09 pm

    Hmmm, I must be on crack.
    I’m a new vajayjay blogger and you are a blogging goddess. I have you on my blogroll but since I only average 2 comments (that’s if I count my mom), don’t get too excitied.

    Also — I miss Ernie and Bert, eating bedtime snacks in their little bedroom room (as indicated by the twin headboards floating in the background) — now that was a party!.

  18. Didn’t get a chance to read through the other comments, but wanted to up your Elmo info with this little tidbit: He’s played by a large black man. Now, if I could actually see Kevin Clash (the man) while he’s doing Elmo’s voice, I think I’d be okay. Since I can’t, I’m just glad my own Sesame Street watching years did not include Elmo and that Snuffy was still an imaginary friend. I’ll never get over his “outing.”

  19. Well, you’ve officially won me over.

    Grover has always been my all time favorite! When my daughter was obsessed with “La La Street” (I can only assume that she started calling it that because of Big Bird in the intro) I used to live for the precious few minutes of Grover footage.
    Poor guy never could catch a break!
    I’m completely with you on “The Monster at the end of this Book”. My mom bought it for my daughter a couple of years ago, and I almost teared up over it. I LOVE that book!

    Also on my list of the most annoying characters we must tolerate because for some ungodly reason our children can’t get enough of them…Caillou, Dora, Barney, The Teletubbies, The Hoobs, Noddy, and that annoying little shit Abby Cadabby or whatever the hell her name is. What the hell is wrong with the people who develop these shows? They can’t possibly have children of their own. Either that or they’re all sadistic bastards.

  20. OMG. Yesterday I thought I had a teensy crush on you. Today, I want to marry you. In general, strangely-colored puppet-like things are forbidden in my house. Barney? Don’t even get me started with those li’l flipper-arms and that guffaw of a laugh. Elmo? I agree, kill him dead. Teletubbies? YICK.

    Trains with talking faces, however? We allow those. In fact, we worship those.

    Go figger.

  21. You can never say fuck too much. And Elmo is…a demon.

  22. Oh my gosh, you are totally right. The first time I saw Mr. Noodle I was like, what the fuck is that? My kid is 2 and doesn’t know who Elmo is. I have successfully avoided him for this long, and I’m not giving up now. I can tolerate Dora and Diego, and even Blue. Not Elmo.

  23. Is it bad that I’m willing to deny my child all the educational goodness of Sesame Street because I can’t handle Elmo either? And WTF is up with Mr. Noodle’s brother, also named Mr. Noodle? (My first thought was that the original Mr. Noodle must have either gotten himself fired for strangling Elmo, or maybe he jumped off a cliff. Do you blame him?

    Anyway, I’m a newcomer to your VagBlog, but I will be back. You’re already one of my favorites!!! (No Pressure… but if you don’t come up with another post as good as your last few, I’m going to start spamming you with Elmo footage. How’s that for motivation?) Them’s just jokes, swears. I wouldn’t do that to my worst enemy.

  24. I hate almost ALL childrens programming, but old school Seseme Street is AWESOME. Not so much the new Sesame Street. I totally agree with you on the evils of Elmo, and I hate hate hate that the Noodle brothers never talk. We don’t watch SS anymore because of Elmo’s takeover.

    I’ve always been afraid to admit it, but you have opened the way for all of us Elmo haters (and Baby Bear and his annoying little sister can bite the dust, too) to finally be free.

  25. I suppose I’ve fallen into the trap of making the obligatory visit to your blog to comment. Frankly, I don’t care if I stay here forever. You’ve got some good stuff, so you don’t have to write to impress. (You know this, of course, so I’m just sucking up.)

    My daughter has an “Extreme” Elmo. The grandparents gave it to her, so it isn’t my fault. I guess the “Extreme” part is the level of annoyance it provides. Thankfully, she’s more interested in the box.

    I had Grover pajamas as a kid, and found the same style for adults. When my wife is feeling frisky, I pull them out. Let’s just say that Super Grover rocks her world.

    Sorry for the excessive use of contractions, I’m new here.

  26. Okay, this is going to be a long one. Bear with me.

    catnip35 – I’m glad to hear you aren’t quitting me just yet. That sounded a little Brokeback Mountain in my head, but you know what I mean.

    Sra – Never underestimate the power of phonics.

    McMommy – Okay, maybe I overplayed the whole “Entertaining, Insightful and Brilliant” bit. Too late to take it back?

    Grandma J – I, too, am a proud Blog Hussy. I just have to figure out how to put the graphic up. It took me two days to figure out the Five Star Friday thing. I’m not really much of a techie, can you tell?

    fozmeadows – How much do I love that you said “Sweet Zombie Jesus”? I am SO using that from now on.

    Good&Crazy – You are sneaky. And good. And crazy.

    aliasmother – I didn’t know they had outed Snuffy until I started watching after the Bean was born, and I was all, what the fuck? I’m still not over it. Jim Henson would have NEVER allowed that.

    Well, actually I don’t know what Jim Henson would have allowed, I didn’t know him or anything and for all I know he stipulated in his will that they should out Snuffy at some particular point, I mean, maybe he had some kind of “master plan” for the entire Muppet family. Maybe he’s even the evil genius who created that red nightmare Elmo and just saved it until he was dead so he wouldn’t actually have to witness it’s disastroud effects on the youth of the world.

    Wow, I guess you’re not the only one with issues.

    Raz – I will forgive you for loving Big Bird as long as you keep the batteries away from the Elmo doll. I’m not really sure what “hokey-cokey” means but that combined with Elmo can’t be a good thing.

    mommypie – You are scaring me a little.

    I’ve been reading the Monster at the End of This Book to the Bean since he was born. But then I’ve also read him Lafcadio by Shel Silverstein, which tells the story of a lion who learns to shoot guns and kills and eats lots of hunters. Also some of the Mother Goos Fairy Tales, with ladies butchering cows and shit like that. I know what kind of parent this makes me, but fuck it.

    smalltownsmalltimes – I actually talked about Ernie and Bert and how TOTALLY GAY they are on a previous post – one of my “Things I Don’t Get” series. Check it out.

    I’ll be looking for your mom.

    califmom – This is a fascinating new fact. But I still hate that little red fucker.

    Shannon – I love Grover. But I also think he might be gay like Bert and Ernie. The other day he was talking about the basket he brought back from France and said, “Is it not just so CYYYUTE?” and I was like “bing bing bing” Gaydar totally going off. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    soupisnotafingerfood – I accept your proposal. Where is my ring?

    Maria – Fuck that fucking Elmo motherfucker.

    Rachael – WHen the Bean was born I felt strongly that the only things he should be allowed to watch on TV were Sesame Street and Baby Einstein. We’ve pretty much outgrown Baby Einstein so Sesame Street is it. I don’t know why I made that rule, and I really don’t know why I’m still sticking to it. I did finally Tivo some Wiggles the other day, but man, I thought Elmo was annoying.

    proseandconverseIs – Mr.Noodle’s brother was actually played by Michael Jeter, who died of AIDS a few years ago. So when they show him now it’s a rerun from at least before 2003 or something. I know that is sad. But I still fucking hate Elmo and his freaky Mr. Noodle fetish.

    Way to being you down, huh?

    Mamasphere – My mom recently bought us the vintage Sesame Street DVDs, from the early 70s, and those episodes are AWESOME. There was way more human-puppet interaction and it is such trip to see Maria and Gordon and some other people from way back when. And NO FUCKING ELMO.

    jasper mocks – Ha! Gotcha!

    Oh, also? TMI.

    All, please forgive my typos and any spelling/grammar mistakes. I’m tired and I never trained my fingers right when I learned how to type, so I always get the ; instead of the ‘ and I know this makes me look like an ass, but whatever. I just crucified Elmo, for Pete’s sake, a few misplaced semi-colons won;t matter.

  27. Alright. Lets get real here. Elmo is on more Zoloft than he should be. I mean if he thinks that he can talk to Dorthy and giggles about it, then really….. I think he is on enough drugs that he is delusional.

    The Monster at the END of this Book ……. AWESOME! And how could you not be in love with Super Grover.

    But I have to say, the best Muppet for me is Sam the Eagle. Alright, he can be a bit high brow… which can be annoying. But the sarcasm that comes out of his beak…… wow.

    And what is with the guy that plays baseball using a fish as a bat? That is one Muppet I don’t want to run into on the street.

  28. I was shocked and saddened to hear of the complete ennervation and evisceration of the show we once knew and loved called Sesame Street. Alak, for Snuffleupegus (sp?). Is he still on? Who knows?
    I will certainly avoid HELLmo like the plague with my little guy.
    oh, and…’hooked on phonics’…heh…good one

  29. I have so much to say, and don’t know where to start.

    1) Last post? Love, loved LOVED it, but for some reason I didn’t feel compelled to comment on that post, instead I’ll tell you about how much I loved it on this post. Because that’s how I roll.

    2) I also loved Grover, and not even b/c of “The Monster at the End of this Book” because my mom didn’t read to me when I was a kid. Not that I can remember, anyway.

    3) I had a Grover doll I loved with all my heart until I decided to try to flush it down the toilet.

    4) I just figured out why my kid refers to himself in the third person. Dammit. And he doesn’t even like Elmo anymore–although he sure did. Sheild the bean now.

  30. Heh, I added you to my reader two weeks ago after you commented on my blog – BEFORE the blogher post! So yeah, not going away.

  31. Grover was and is my all time favorite muppet ever. The end.

    Also: giant talking Elmo doll given to children by friends = very scary. If this ever happens to you, I recommend immediate battery removal. You might also appreciate this twisted video, which would make an excellent flourish and conclusion for this post: http://youtube.com/watch?v=GYGhmJD9LKc

    Also also: I am your second subscriber. Just in case you ever need someone to say she knew you way back when, you know where to call when you’re all hot and famous…

  32. OMG. You are too funny. Although I do not hate Elmo, I do prefer the old skool Sesame Street gang, including Cookie Monster and Grover. However, I felt that way about that fucking Barney of the 90s. Everyone was on my case about being anti-Barney but my eyeballs would implode everytime I heard “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy fameeellleee……” We even staged a Barney lynching one day at work.

    MomZombie
    http://twoeggs.wordpress.com

  33. Maybe you should get a couple of Barney DVD’s..just to gain a little perspective.?

  34. My kid did not like Elmo. And when Mr. Noodle came on he cried for me to change the channel.

  35. make easy money on the internet
    October 22nd, 2009 at 2:02 pm

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