As of 3:30 this morning I have decided that there are not enough channels on basic cable so I’m going to start my own. It’s going to be called the Random Channel and it will be filled 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with nothing but shows about totally random and bizarre topics that none of the other basic channels will cover because (a) they’re fucking chicken and (2) they’re already too jammed up with horrible, awful reality shows and reruns of Law and Order. I’m still working on the schedule but so far the line up is AWESOME and you guys are gonna thank me when you can’t sleep at 3:30 in the morning and instead of Family Feud and Snuggie commercials you can watch cool shit like How NOT to Eat the Noodle, a talk show on which various experts will discuss the proper way to eat Ramen noodles (topics will include Break it up first or eat it in one long string? and Add seasoning before or after draining? with an occasional noodle fight to keep things interesting), or Celebutard Deathmatch, co-hosted by (who else?) Ryan Seacrest and Mario Lopez with live-action matches like Britney Spears vs. Her Own Inner Demons and The Large-Breasted Lohan Sisters vs. Each Other.
Other shows currently in development:
- It’s Gargamel! – A long overdue spin-off of The Smurfs, starring the totally underrated monk-robed supervillain where he finally shows those little blue bitches who’s boss
- Fire Talk — An hour-long talk show centered around fire, with topics like My Kindling Can Kick Your Newspaper’s Ass and Lighter Fluid’s for Sissies, hosted by the Big Bean
- 1,001 Ways to Euthanize Dustin Diamond – A game show pitting contestants against each other to see who can come up with the most creative and effective method
- Republican Rehab — Dr. Drew and Al Franken team up to get several Republicans over the hump of their addiction to being an asshole and help them cope with the harsh realities of a Barack Obama presidency
- Lazy Rocks — Each episode will follow a different lazy person to find out how they manage their sloth, with helpful tips and suggestions to be a better lazy ass in your own life
- Bonus RandomTV show: The Bathtub Gangsta Happy Hour and Variety Show, as hosted by BG himself and (of course) Happy Hour Sue. Because seriously, this video is some of the funniest shit I have ever seen. In my LIFE, yo. I’m not even tryin’ ta front. Maybe I’m just a sucker for the song, but it sho ain’t whack, I can tell you dat.
When I run out of shows for Random TV (which will NEVER happen), I’ll just show back-to-back reruns of Simon and Simon and Hart to Hart over and over again. Because for some reason those shows just scream “repeat” to me.
Stay tuned.
P.S. All of this comes to you courtesy of the Leap Frog caterpillar toy, which woke me up approximately 57 times last night with its stupidly loud “THANKS FOR PLAYING LEAP FROG!!! BUH-BYE!!!” until I finally spent about 45 minutes tearing the house apart to find it and it turned out the little bastard was hiding in my backyard, so I got to brave the cold, wet 3:00 AM weather in my PJs and cozy socks with a flashlight. And then I was cold and my socks were wet and couldn’t go back to sleep anyway. So I spent another 45 minutes watching really awful, horrible, shit TV because at 3:30 AM I am not kidding, it’s nothing but Family Feud and the Snuggie, people. And not even the good Family Feud from back in the day when Richard Dawson was always drunk and would french everybody but the shitty version with that huge Louie guy who HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY.
P.P.S. In case I forgot to say it before, LEAP FROG CAN EAT ME.
P.P.P.S. I think that might be my first promo.
Stumble it!
January 7th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Every time I wrap myself up in my Not A Snuggi, like I did just before sitting down to read this, I think of you and not my husband, who was kind enough (also read as “desperate for ideas”) to buy this for me!
I’ve heard those Leap Frog caterpillars are haunted. Well, maybe I’ve not heard that EXACTLY, but I have heard they go off randomly at various times, so that’s scary enough. Maybe you could get those Ghost Hunter people to a show about haunted toys. Bring them to my house first so I can convince my kids that half their toys are possessed so we can clean this place out a bit, OK?
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..sledge, sledge, sledgehammer. wait! why do you have a sledgehammer out?!
January 7th, 2009 at 11:32 pm
Do you remember Furbies? They would wake up in the middle of the night and talk to each other in Furby talk. They woere suppose to sleep if it was dark but my daughter had a night light that kept them up. So we put them in the dresser but they still kept talking. So we separated them into different rooms in the dark and they still called to each other. We took the fricking batteries out of those suckers finally. At this point my daughter was terrified of the stupid furry bastards so we gave them back to her auntie. It’s been probably 6-8 years and damned if my sister doesn’t still have them and keeps batteries in them. They still creep us out and they watch us when we visit and I swear they whisper to each other. We always stick them in a drawer when my sister isn’t looking.
Damn possessed evil things.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
It seems insomnia is the buzzword of the day.
How about the “Let’s YELL at Billy Mays and make him drink Oxy Clean!”
Trying to find the Leapfrog Catepillar in the middle of the night is like trying to staple jello to a tree. Futile.
Thanks for adding another thing to my littany of inane things I think about at 3:00 a.m.
swirl girls last blog post..Now Wait Just A Minutiae
January 8th, 2009 at 12:29 am
Wait, you’re supposed to drain the ramen noodles?
You mean to tell me I’ve been doing it WRONG all these years?
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Two Years Already?
January 8th, 2009 at 12:39 am
I’ll be watching my cable schedule for ‘Republican Rehab’. I hope there’s a big ‘reveal’ scene at the end of every episode, where the rehabbed schlub (or schlubess) has to stare themselves in a giant mirror and gasp at his or her sudden lack of asshat.
January 8th, 2009 at 2:00 am
will gargamel finally get it on with smurfette?????
the planet of janets last blog post..I hear the quadriceps singing
January 8th, 2009 at 9:19 am
True Story:
One of my best friends got it on with Dustin Diamond in a hotel room. She proudly tells anyone who will listen -
“Screech tossed my salad.”
Not mine, hers. Just to make that perfectly clear.
kailas last blog post..Good Lord you stubborn bastard…
January 8th, 2009 at 9:35 am
I have so had that Leap Frog thing happen. My misery was a “walker” shaped like a red car. It would be left on then turn itself into sing a song mode in the wee hours of the morning and wake up both of my babies. I threw it out the back door one time even out of rage. Then I sold it at a yard sale for $1. I smiled and laughed as the parents took it to their car. Guess I was going through an evil, resentful streak or something? Oh well.
January 8th, 2009 at 11:31 am
i cannot look at Dustin Diamond without feeling dirty.
and NOT in a good way.
ew.
alis last blog post..end stages
January 8th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
This morning at 3AM when I was rudely awakened by my stupid cat.. I watched about half hour of commercial for EXTENZE the penis enlarger. I have to tell you… According to them, I can’t hit a rock without hitting some dude (and his uber hot girlfriend) who’s popping those…so why do they need buy time on TBS after hours when the lady who is hosting is holding a microphone for “SEX TALK” which it’s not. It’s really just PENIS talk, and not a whole lot of that either. THAT I might actually stayed tuned in for…As it was…I just sorta flipped around and settled on Married with Children.
January 8th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Finally some damn TV I can watch! I haven’t watched anything since Friends and Seinfeld went off the air.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..The Epic Adventure of Schooling Children. Alternate Title: You Thought Child Labor Was Illegal?
January 8th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Holy multiple-BG links, Batman!!!!!! I hadn’t seen the BG video in months- I just watched it again and do have to really examine my mental stability.
I hope the BG show and Lazy Rocks are on back to back cuz those are 2 of my favorite things.
Very funny post!
Happy Hour Sues last blog post..Botany 101
January 8th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
Please come and do some programming for the UK too! I think your ideas are great. I have also played “Hunt Down The Mysteriously Loud Toy” at 3 in the morning. Said toy’s batteries disappeared – how strange.
Barbaras last blog post..8/365 – Not What I Intended
January 8th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
This is not the first post I’ve read mentioning Dustin Diamond today. Not that I’m accusing you of being a copy cat or anything. It’s just that I’m worried this is some kind of sign. Considering I only read about 10 blogs on a fairly regular basis, I find it highly coincidental and/or suspect. I think he’s telepathically communicating with you and others. This is by far the most insidious PR scheme he has concocted to date. Just thought I’d warn you.
Also 3:00 am is allegedly when ghosts and demons like to make themselves known. It makes total sense that he would be able to reach you then.
BTW, I would totally watch that show if I couldn’t be one of the contestants. I think coating him in bananas and releasing him into a cage of angry, hungry baboons would be fun to watch. Somebody else would have to do the coating in bananas part, though.
January 8th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
I’ll sign up for the lazy people show. Since I’ll never get my 15 minutes of fame as a hot-ass celebrity, I guess I’ll take it as a fat-ass slacker Mom. That’s how I roll… fat… around the middle section of my torso.
Also, been there done that with all those damn electric toys! They either interupt the sleep or the sex schedule!
Janah @ So Not Mom-a-liciouss last blog post..Camera Fun
January 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Celebutard Deathmatch…that’s why I come here.
Anns last blog post..Thursday Thoughts: Karma-Related Notes To Self
January 8th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
I would totally watch your channel! Especially for the Gargamel show. Those Smurfs were always such lucky bastards, and it’d be so fun to see it not play out that way for once.
Laural Out Louds last blog post..Reclaiming A Bit Of Me
January 9th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
A random tv station would be a great addition to the current programming schedule on most cable broadcasts. Although i’m not sure you could have a pre-determined schedule if you wanted to keep the theme of randomness.
January 9th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Don’t be hatin’ on swear worm! We bought one for my “niece” and it provided hours of entertainment for “her”. My mother made fun of us for “helping her” learn how to use “her” toy. We were being good aunties and momma, just trying to get her ahead of the curve. Just because she was only a few weeks old and usually not in the room during the lesson means nothing other than we needed to learn how to use it ourselves and she was a bit of a slacker baby. Hmmm, I wonder if it has cheat codes like video games that unlock the censor chip or whatever in its programming…
January 9th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Seriously, you should start your own network, or be hired by one of the existing ones to retool their lineups. I’m all for the Dustin Diamond eradication program. Throw in the fool who played Urkel as well.
MomZombies last blog post..Make it or break it
January 11th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
bwahahahahaa ;_)
WTH happened to Screech anyway? :-0
Rachels last blog post..Weekly Winners: The ‘I forgot my camera’ edition
January 13th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
I heard they’re taping a pilot for “Vanessa Marcil: skinny bitch” where she and other serial TV bitches (Heather Locklear, Tiffani Amber Theisen, etc.) talk about being skinny skanks in Hollywood.
January 28th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
I came out of my blogging/commenting dry spell to tell you that you are f-ing hilarious, but don’t be hating on the Snuggies. I especially like Repub Rehab and would volunteer to be a guest on the panel.
The BDs last blog post..The Inauguration, Two Days Removed
February 8th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
I always thought that Gargamel never had a fair enough chance to get one of the smurfs. I can’t remember though, was he trying to capture the smurfs in order to eat them? Or was that just his cat that wanted to do that?