This will be a weird post for me because, well, it just has to be. I’M weird right now. There’s a mess of emotions circling each other in my gut and I’m not really sure what my head thinks of any of them.
It’s the Bean, my little Bean, my precious, special, beautiful Bean that’s got me all tied up in knots.
Every thing that kid does makes me smile, even when he’s being a little shit (which luckily, isn’t very often), and even when I’M being a little shit (which happens much more frequently). It’s such a joy to watch him on his path and to be a part of it all. He’s got Personality Plus, my kid, and it’s a wonderful thing to watch.
He’s recently become even more generous with his hugs and kisses, and I can’t put into words the feeling I get when this perfect little man walks right to me, arms outstretched, or grabs me by the ears and pulls my face to his wide open mouth to plant a slobbery smack on me.
Maybe a better writer could explain it, maybe there ARE actually words for it somewhere, but if there are they elude me completely.
Last night he was just out of his bath, running around the house naked, playing with his dinosaur toys and grocery cart – and as he hobbled down the hallway it suddenly hit me that he no longer has the body of a baby. His torso is long, his face has thinned out a little, his hands and feet have lost some of their chubbiness and look more and more like his dad’s. The child we once lovingly called “Patches” now has a full head of long, thick curls.
His mind works less like that of a baby, too. His play is more deliberate. He’s more reflective. He even gave me his first complete sentence a couple of weeks ago – on the playground, just freed from his stroller shackles, “I don’t know” was his answer when I asked him just where he thought he was going.
My heart stopped then, as it’s stopped a thousand times over the past 20 months.
Of course there are still elements of baby — diapers, babble, chewed crayons – but they’re fewer and farther between now, and every day he seems to shed another layer.
My head is spinning.
I don’t come around to change easily. It takes me a LONG time to settle into a routine and even longer to truly embrace something new. Always has. Sometimes my reluctance works to my advantage (see: Marriage). Often it holds me back. Either way, my fear of change has never, well… changed.
But parenthood doesn’t give you TIME to come around to something new. You’re thrown in to deeper, darker, more scary waters every day, without warning, without any time to prepare yourself for the stronger current or the dangers that might be lurking beneath.
The first few weeks after the Bean was born were AWFUL for me. I was completely overwhelmed by this monumental change to my life, the Bean was just this unknown, needy blob that I was suddenly a slave to, I was whacked out with hormones and lack of sleep and even a touch of post-partum. Then the colic. Oh, the colic. For about a week, I wanted my old life back more than I’ve ever wanted anything before.
But around six weeks, everything changed. Suddenly we had smiles, we had laughs, we had a HAPPY BABY. He loved people, he loved LIFE, and you could tell. And we were in love with him.
It’s just gotten better and better since that day.
Still, I have these moments. Moments like the one I’m in now, where I see it all slipping away. It’s so fleeting, all of it, and I just want time to stop and LET ME CATCH UP, DAMMIT.
He was born and in the blink of an eye he had his first tooth.
And in another blink he was eating solid food.
Blink: First word.
Blink: First steps.
Blink: “I don’t know.”
It’s an adventure, this parenthood thing, and I know that’s the best way to look at it. Every day brings the unknown and as one layer peels off, another one is revealed.
But sometimes I just want those old layers back! I want my BABY back!
(Well, okay. Maybe not that colic layer so much.)
I miss my baby, the one with the perfectly round head, the one who loved nothing more than chewing on his feet.
And at the same time, I can’t WAIT to see what the next day will bring. What will be his Next Big Thing?
He makes me cry tears of both joy and sadness. He makes me yearn for the past while looking ahead with excited anticipation. He scares me and makes me feel safe.
He breaks my heart and warms it, tears me apart and holds me together, all at the same time.
I know I’ll always feel this way. I’ll always hear stories of other parents, like John Travolta just this weekend, who’ve lost children and I’ll feel devastated on their behalf, and both grateful and terrified on my own. I’ll always cry when I find old clothes or toys that my little Bean outgrew long ago. I’ll always wish I could stretch this moment or that moment out to hold onto, forever.
And somehow, even when I’m so sad to see the time pass I can’t see through the tears, I’ll keep loving every damn minute of it.
THIS is being a mom.
Weird, huh?
Told you.
Stumble it!
January 5th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Welcome to motherhood and moments like the ones you’ve been having that will grip you, shake you and shatter you — for the next 18 years.
Ya know, as much as I bitched about the Little Imp taking her own sweet time potty-training, it’s now hit me full on. She’s COMPLETELY potty trained. The nighttime thing was automatic. And once we told her there were no more diapers, it wasn’t a battle. It was just the way things were. She embraced it and added it to the ever increasing list of things she does. And deep inside, it made me sad. That very last vestiges of babyhood from my LAST baby are all but completely gone. Sippy cups? Gone? Little brightly coloured forks and spooons? Gone. She wants what her mommy and daddy and big sis use. Little plates with familiar characters? Gone! She wants to use the nice plates and bowls the adults use. And of course, diapers? Gone.
It’s amazing to watch all these changes and how rapidly they become ordinary to her. She’s becoming this little girl who will morph into a young lady one day. It’s awe inspiring and heartbreaking all at the same time.
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Facebook…I Curse You!
January 5th, 2009 at 10:33 am
By the way…I forgot to say, but not that you don’t already know it, beautiful post.
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Facebook…I Curse You!
January 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
You so perfectly summed up the feelings that tug at my heartstrings every so often with my MP. So bittersweet.
*sigh*
Beautiful post Beej.
mommypies last blog post..Just because JESUS sasses his mother doesn’t mean YOU can.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:25 am
My ‘baby’ turns 7 in a couple weeks. If I told you I hadn’t wept over this fact at least 7 times, I’d be lying. Wait until that last little baby dimple disappears from the back of their tiny hands. Seriously, I mourn the loss of the dimpled baby hands daily.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..joe jonas, if you’re reading this, i still totally pink puffy heart love you, too, ok?
January 5th, 2009 at 11:30 am
I know exactly what you mean.
January 5th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Couldn’t have said it any better myself. I know that feeling of being struck by the not-so-much-baby-body. Wow. Holy shit. Perfect post.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
The truth is always weirder than fiction.
January 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
You never stop being overwhelmed by what your children do in life. My “babies” are 27, 18 and 13. They continue to amaze me. My youngest is a teenager and this scares me as I’m been thru this twice before. My son turned 18, voted for the first time and shared with us that he is gay. My oldest daughter recently got married, has a mortgage and responsibilities. She called yesterday to get my SSN, she and her husband are naming me as beneficiary to both their life insurance policies although they have other parents they could name. They are acting like real adults.
You never stop worrying about your kids but you do learn to respect their decisions and not to offer advice unless asked for.
I’m now ready to experience grandkids and see how what that will add to my life.
Chris Os last blog post..Purple Chicken
January 5th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Awesome post.
all things BDs last blog post..Let’s Play A Game, Shall We?
January 5th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Amen. I always laughed at people who went on vacation and spent the whole time taking pictures or video, too busy preserving the moment to live the moment. But I find myself doing that constantly as a mom. I want to freeze this, remember that. Oh, man, what if I someday forget what it was like when the Buddha draped herself over my shoulder in sleep? The rolls on her thighs are disappearing and I can’t remember now what they used to look like in their glory days. Crisis! When she drapes across my lap while nursing, this huge long thing that I can no longer entirely contain in my arms, I try to remember what it was like when she was so small I had to prop her with pillows.
And then I think of how many years lie ahead, how many changes I have to live through, and I just flinch. How am I supposed to do it exactly?
Alias Mothers last blog post..Notes on the Buddha: The Monosyllabic Edition
January 5th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
I totally identify with this completely!
I think all parents do. Not weird at all
January 5th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Beautiful beautiful post
Mommyhood has a way of making us all weird sometimes, I think. I look at my baby and wonder what happened, where all the time went. She’ll be 11 in April. Eleven. How’d we sprint through 11 years?! She’s so ready to grow up, and I’m hanging on, trying to keep her from doing it too fast.
Yep, I can totally relate ..
January 5th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Wow.
Christys last blog post..Twilight – the movie
January 5th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
You just described the pull of motherhood extremely well. It feels like from the moment they are born they are growing and leaving us. I, too, love and hate every minute of it.
January 5th, 2009 at 1:55 pm
Not weird at all. Perfectly wonderful.
My littlest one is turning 5 in a few weeks…so sad for me because before you know it, she’ll be six and seven and eight.
I wish I could keep her little and sweet and innocent.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
I love your post. And while I hate that cliché “they grow so fast!”, I do know that you don’t fully appreciate how true it is until you become a mom. Until you see this little person you made, grow and gradually become his own person. It’s freaky. And fun. And scary. And awesome.
Happy New Year, Bean and Mama Bean
Elisas last blog post..A brand new year of ramblings
January 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Wow. What an amazing post. I had these feelings and was reluctant to put names to them but you’ve described exactly how motherhood is incrediby lucidly. Sniff. Got to go and find the tissues now. Sniff.
January 5th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Teary-eyed over here.
Yes, it is but a fleeting moment, this motherhood thing. I blinked my eyes and now I have THREE kids. How the hell did that happened?! OK, I know how it happened. Your post was beautiful and so wonderful to read.
Lisas last blog post..New Year’s Funk
January 5th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
From a once mister mom, me thinks ye doth protest too much.
i have not ever read anyone describing this child/mom (maybe a dad or two)phenomenon as well as you just did. Having an absolutely stunning grandson…er check that, son to demonstrate through photos helped, but once again you nailed it.
For me, i wanted to freeze dry every moment of change but did not have the photo skills or inclinations you have demonstrated. So your sister’s moments of mister momdom are pretty much only in my mind.
Of course, you will not have time to look back on the photos, videos, and your log of the Bean’s growth until he is a college graduate and you are almost as old as i am now.
It is bittersweet: you see a new leaf grow while an old one falls from the tree. It is also, much like your post, extremely beautiful. Just like the Bean and his mother.
January 5th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
beautiful summing-up of the last 27 years of my life.
it just goes faster and faster.
where did my babies go?
the planet of janets last blog post..Weekly Winners: December 28 (2008) to January 3 (2009)
January 5th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Awesome post.
Not weird. Totally completely normal.
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Resolved
January 5th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Oh, sister, I know this feeling all too well. I despise change and that’s all that motherhood seems to be about. A little piece of me dies each time my kids reach a milestone, no matter how small. My oldest (4 yrs) just recently figured out the correct way to hold his fingers to immitate Spiderman’s webslinging abilities. It made me a little emotional that he grew up a bit.
On another, totally unrelated note….it’s ass cold I’m Utah today and my husband forgot his coat. As we were driving home on snow packed roads, I noticed my husband shivering and shaking violently from the cold. I had a blanket in the back seat and I tried to wrap it around him. He shook it off and asked me if I was crazy. He then told me it would be dangerous to drive draped in a blanket. How would his arms be free to steer? We both realized at the same time that it was finally time to order a Snuggie. I thought of you through this all.
steenky bees last blog post..The Economy Has Forced Me To Take Drastic Measures
January 5th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
I agree.
Cathys last blog post..Happy Monday!
January 5th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
My niece thankfully has kept her baby cheeks longer than most, at 5 she is losing them and it saddens me greatly. That tiny baby I juggled taking care of while writing a term paper is a little girl, how the hell did that happen?! Lovely post, hope the Bean slows down for you a bit!
Microblogologists last blog post..Summing Up 2008
January 6th, 2009 at 2:25 am
This seriously brought me to tears. I have been thinking these EXACT thoughts lately about my son, who’s 2 1/2. It kind of all started when he got his hair cut short, he looks so… OLD! He looks like a KID now. He talks all the time. I hold him in my arms and I remember when his whole tiny body could fit on top of my chest. Motherhood is crazy, it’s pride, anticipation, longing & excitement for the future and mourning for the past all at once, all the time. You said it beautifully.
January 6th, 2009 at 8:03 am
Yeah, kids are cool. And I think you have the right perspective – the layers he’s shedding are revealing new layers underneath. He’s growing up, and that’s damn startling.
I have four kids, 15-8, and this kind of stuff still makes me cry. Beautifully done . . .
tysdaddys last blog post..On Deck
January 6th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Love this post – nothing weird about it. I feel the same way about my little guy – who will be 7 next week. GAH!
kailas last blog post..Happy New Year mah peeps! I hope everyone still has all of their fingers….
January 6th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
So, so true
January 6th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
If it makes you feel better, it just gets better and more fun and more wonderful. My 10 year old son stopped on the way out the door to school today, turned around, and gave me a hug and a kiss.
Yeah, they steal our hearts that way. But it’s a totally wonderful kind of pain.
threeundertwos last blog post..Memory reset in progress
January 6th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Not weird at all!! Normal (well normal for me). My “baby” turned 2 in Nov. I had a really hard time with it. In fact my New Years Resolution is to savor the moment, whether it be a happy moment, or a crying moment, just enjoy it. Each day they get older and I won’t ever get that moment back. Snuggle as much as possible, and just throughly enjoy being a mom to by children.
Now I am getting sappy, excuse me while I go snuggle!!
Amandas last blog post..Present from Potato
January 6th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Even though my son is almost 17 I still remember him as he was when he first started talking and calling me momma. It was yesterday I swear. In the past month I’ve had the rude awakening that my lil boy is growing up. On Jan. 1st he was so excited because “In 1 year he graduates high school and HE WILL MOVE AWAY and go to college”. Everyday it’s something. I thought it was hard to watch him get his drivers license, then came the realization that he was having sex, (and let me just say that one…?!? huge heart breaker because I was no longer number one priority…talk about ouch!) but the excitement he had in his voice that in “1 year he was graduating and moving away” cut me like no other. Each one of these little baby steps are milestones not only for them, but for us as mothers as well. Exciting for them, painful for us.
You are not alone in feeling weird about all of it believe me.
kimmyks last blog post..One Of Those Days
January 7th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Great post and so true for me as well. I have four kid and sometimes I find myself in amazement at how much they change or how fast they grow. My youngest, now 2, is forming mini sentences, and repeating everything he hears which is in itself a bit scary. Every he uses a new word I look at him in complete awe! He’s so sweet! Anyway, your little bean is adorable, enjoy these early years!
Teries last blog post..My house, our home
January 7th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I know what you mean about the passing time. I always feel like I’m a stage behind.
He’s adorable.
that girls last blog post..Hello Darlin…..IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME – -
January 7th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Great, great post! It perfectly summed up all the little and big changes that happened in my little boys life. My little boy is now 27 and I still miss the dimples in his hands, finally finding out he was left handed. I miss the heels on his feet, how the baby fat evened out into his feet and then wrapped around the tops of his feet and ended with 5 perfect toes-those fat too. I recall the same feeling looking at my son when his little 2+ body was evening out into a boys body. Etc. Etc. Etc. Thank you for sharing this never- ending feeling in us moms. You summed it up perfectly!
January 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
I’m reading this book right now called The Happiest Toddler On the Block and the first chapter is about how, in 4 years, a toddler is basically a bit of living history as s/he advances in four years to the point at which humans are at now, about 15 million years of evolution in a nutshell. Cool, huh?
P.S. Our colic lasted 14 weeks. Also, still not sleeping. I don’t miss the infant days altho the Tiny Tyrant is still more baby than toddler…I’ll get back to you in a few months
P.S. #2. This post is beautiful.
~ms last blog post..Open Letter to Starbucks
April 20th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
I had 5 kids. Someone once said, “Having a child is like having your heart walk around outside of your body.” Totally true. I didn’t know I had five hearts, though.
September 15th, 2009 at 11:12 am
What Does the Mortgage-Rate Forecast Look Like ?
November 18th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
I would love to do one of those ?spr?kkurser? there are, I think the translation to English is language courses? Could anyone of you advise me about some good and interesting ones abroad? Thank you!