Dear dude on the motorcycle with the handlebars that outsize you by like four times:
WHY do you think this makes you look cool?
I’m pretty sure you paid extra for those handlebars and I just really have to know WHY. It can’t possibly be because you thought they would make you look manly. It just can’t.
Huh? It IS?
Nuh-uh.
Seriously?
No, really. You’ve got to be pulling my leg. There is no way you bought that thing because you thought it would make you look super strong and sexy-man.
Really?
Oh, honey. Honey, honey, honey. Hasn’t ANYONE told you?
Well, everyone else is just chicken. They are LYING to you, sweetie. But not me. Oh, no. I’M going to give it to you straight.
It just makes you look TINY, dude.
That’s right. I said it. You look like a tiny man-baby, holding on for dear life, trying his best not to fly off. Like a tiny baby David grasping desperately at a behemoth two-wheeled Goliath. Like tiny little 8 pound, 6 ounce baby Jesus in a helmet.
Have you ever seen a two-year old trying to help his mommy push the grocery cart at the store?
Yeah. That’s you, dude.
Remember Lily Tomlin’s old Edith Ann schtick? You know, that act where she sat on the huge chair and pretended to be a silly little girl?
YOU are the silly little girl in this scenario.
I’m sorry. I really am. I hate to be the one to break it to you. But SOMEBODY had to.
Seriously. Lose the ape hangers.
Love,
P.S. So tomorrow morning (at the ASS CRACK of dawn, I might add – what fucking IDIOT booked these tickets? Oh yeah, that was me), the Bean and I will board a plane to lovely Nashville for a visit with my family and a little blog schmoozing on the side.
Pros: Swag and a nice (albeit brief) visit with my grandparents and stepmom, whom I adore.
Cons: (1) Two-plus hours on a plane with an extremely active “lap child,” who I’m pretty sure has ZERO intention of actually sitting in said lap for any significant amount of time; (b) a shocking lack of business cards (which I’ve been told are essential to success at this conference thing); and (iii) as of today, the official beginning of a terrible cold that promises to bring me to my knees.
P.P.S. I fucking LOVE my life right now.
P.P.P.S. Whatever. Screw it. I’ll just go, hope for the best, and keep reminding myself that no matter how bad it gets, at least I am not wearing this outfit:
P.P.P.P.S. Please do not take that last P.P.P.S. to imply in any way that I am jumping on the Jessica-Simpson-is-fat bandwagon. She might have put on some poundage recently but honestly, I couldn’t care less. She’s still a hell of a lot younger, prettier, and certainly richer than me.
I’m simply questioning her fashion sense. Or, more to the point, her lack thereof.
P.P.P.P.P.S. Please do not take that last P.P.P.P.S. to mean that I think Jessica Simpson is better than me. She’s not. She may be gorgeous and fabulously wealthy, but I’m smarter by, like, a million-kajillion times. And definitely funnier. (Although my use of the term “million-kajillion” and this particular blog post probably aren’t the best examples of that.)
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Also, I would never wear mom jeans.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Did I mention that I’m on medication?
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. There are other bloggers who use the excessive post script much more effectively than me, I know. You don’t need to tell me. In no way should this be seen as a hack move to copy them. It’s just the only way I know to purge the ridiculous bullshit that’s creeping through the bowels of my mind at the moment without marring the perfection of my brilliant blog post above.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you actually thought this blog post was brilliant, I would like some of the medication that you are on, please. Because mine is not working. Apparently.
P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Why are you all looking at me like that? Do I have a booger?
Stumble it!
Tags: I don't know
February 4th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
There is ALWAYS room for more Post Scripts love!
Loralees last blog post..Sideblog: WTF, Joaquin Phoenix?
February 4th, 2009 at 10:31 pm
I’ll be the one dressed worse than Jessica (although not in mom jeans) and hiding behind a post. But I do have cards. But my husband said they were ugly. But he made my header and my header is on my cards so I said he was calling his design ugly. But he said it was my font choice not his header that was ugly. But I said he was a poopy head.
Michelle Smiless last blog post..Tessa Tuesday
February 4th, 2009 at 10:32 pm
Yeah…I don’t get out much anymore.
Michelle Smiless last blog post..Tessa Tuesday
February 4th, 2009 at 10:40 pm
Maybe those bad boys are actually weighted and while he’s stopped at traffic lights he does lat pulls. Yeah. That’s all I got. Because I think I have one of those absorbed twin things and right now, as I type, mini-me is trying to work her way out of my brain by way of my left eye. Seriously, how long can a headache last before it hears me whimpering my defeat?
I hope the flight is uneventful and the event full of bliss. Shove some Post-It notes in your pocket and use those as your business cards. Or clever little signs you can put on the backs of your fellow attendees as they walk away.
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..as a parent blogger, it’s mandatory i write this post
February 4th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
Right there… no… the other side. Right there. Oh geeez… now you just smeared it across your face. Nasty ass! Get a kleenex!
Those bikes crack me up. How can that possibly be comfortable for a long ride? Eventually, would you not lose all circulation to your arms and be unable to drive? “Ape hangers” LOL I love that.
Hope you feel better soon & enjoy your trip.
Chriss last blog post..It’s Fabulous I Tell Ya
February 4th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
P to the 10th power S…two words for your trip –
Portable DVD
…and where did you get the picture of Charo?
swirl girls last blog post..The One With the Puffy Heart
February 5th, 2009 at 1:07 am
forget the fat, what the hell is up with her pants?
flutters last blog post..A bewildering and intriguing tale
February 5th, 2009 at 2:26 am
The man with the ape hanger handlebars just looks ridiculous. And that can’t possibly be safe.
If I had as much money as Jessica Simpson, I wouldn’t be caring what I looked like either. Oh wait, I don’t care now….
February 5th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Post scripts belong to the world.
Jenny, Bloggesss last blog post..Now I just need to find someone who sells human skin
February 5th, 2009 at 9:04 am
I’m sure I am kicking into mom mode, but those ape hangers just can’t be safe. How the heck can he actually control the motorcycle like that? We shouldn’t worry all that much. If he’s that dumb, he won’t live much longer. What a terrible (but entirely realistic) thought. my bad
Bama Cheryls last blog post..I ain’t no leader!
February 5th, 2009 at 9:39 am
LOL at that stupid man on the bike – maybe the handlebars are symbolic of something else that he’d like to be a bit bigger!
Also LOL at your ps’s – I love that your brain works in exactly the same way as mine. I spend so much time explaining myself to people!
Good luck on the flight and have a nice time when you get there. You can get business cards printed instantly in little booths in the UK – do you have anything similar?
Barbaras last blog post..35/365 – Ole Blue Eyes
February 5th, 2009 at 9:39 am
omg you are toooo flippin funny. The guy and the motorcycle, ugghh that can’t be safe at all
Have a great time at home!
amandas last blog post..Why not GO RED??
February 5th, 2009 at 10:17 am
Not to get on the bandwagon about Jessica Simpson (because jeez it’s got to be hard to have all that money and not eat at really nice restaurants), but maybe she could borrow that bike.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I never understood Ape Hangers either…
Jimh.
PS, I love you blog.
PPS, any one can do it!
PPPS, post scripts rock!
PPPPS, so do you…
February 5th, 2009 at 10:42 am
I’ve never understood the guys driving around in those monster trucks, either. Do they really get chicks that way? Don’t think so.
MomZombies last blog post..Like, I’m a Libra O+ Dragon
February 5th, 2009 at 11:27 am
I often wonder the same thing. Also, it seems like it’d be hard to steer. You got me at the 8lb 6oz baby Jesus though. Best movie line ever!
Loris last blog post..Wax on, Rip off
February 5th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
How long can tiny man ride like that without losing feeling in his arms and hands? Seriously! There is no blood flow. Redonk.
ps: Have a safe flight
pps: Have a fun confernce
ppps: I meant conference
kailas last blog post..Roller Heaven & Hell
February 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Firstly, I cannot help but think that it’s a joke. Seriously, he doesn’t realise how stupid he looks? I’m convinced the joke’s on me.
Secondly, I didn’t realise she’d put on weight. I didn’t recognise her… it really shocked me!
Razs last blog post..The Proof is in the Pictures
February 5th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
jessica simpson’s jeans have been giving me nightmares.
alis last blog post..bubble girl
February 5th, 2009 at 3:10 pm
I don’t think I have ever seen a motorcycle that looked like that. Odd..
Zandors last blog post..If you have school age kids this is about you.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
And here I just thought that motorbike was a leftover prop from the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? warehouse.
Kellys last blog post..Doctor Grover, at your service!
February 7th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Dude looks like an ass-hat. But what I am more excited to hear about is how Blissdom is going, or went. And how the Bean did on the flight. And I’m also curious to see if your lack of business cards was the demise of your blogging success. I told you, have the Bean make them out! P.S. Jessica Simpson will always be hot. I wish my best day was looking like her on her worst!
So Not Mom-a-liciouss last blog post..Be expecting something…
February 8th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Beej! Everyone knows that big handlebars mean big dicks.
p.s. Have fun at Blissdom.
p.p.s. Here’s a wipe for that booger.
San Diego Mommas last blog post..PROMPTuesday #41: Mashed Potatoes
September 26th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
This makes me crazy
December 28th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Great article. Id like to see more articles from you.
cheers…