Lemon tree, very pretty
And the lemon flower is sweet
But the fruit of the poor lemon
Is impossible to eat.- Will Holt
So a couple of days ago I wrote this post about my Blissdom experience, which was partly blissful and partly, well, NOT. And I guess I pissed some people off and made others think and even others are now turned off of the conference thing for good because they think I said it sucked, which really I didn’t but that’s how people took it and now they’re all scared-bunny that they’ll end up cowering in a corner, weird and wall-flowery, like me.
The point is, some people took it as an angry post even though it really wasn’t. It was just me blabbering on about how socially retarded and weird and fucked up I am. Maybe that just sounds a lot like bitter and angry, I don’t know. They certainly all belong to the same emotional family.
But then I wrote another post that really WAS angry, about STUPID VALENTINES DAY and how much I hate it, and I imagined myself chasing down the Cheerful Holiday Sweater Lady and beating and kicking her for being so goddamned HAPPY about this ridiculous holiday and feeding the Valentine Beast with her stupid doily-heart-shaped party invitations and pink sweatshirt with the lace and the satin hearts and the fat cherubs and the bells that don’t even ring. Toward the end I spit on her and stomped on her doilies and told Cupid to go fuck himself.
And it felt good to be all violent and hateful and judgy and awful.
Too good.
So I didn’t publish it. And I thought to myself, What IS your fucking problem? And the answer was simple — or not, depending on how you look at it. The truth is, I’m just CRAZY and AIMLESS right now, and FRUSTRATED on so many levels, and UNSURE of myself, and JEALOUS of the people who seem to have it all “together,” and BORED, and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE, and a little NUMB, and GUILTY for all of the above, and SCARED of what the future holds, and WORRIED that I can’t be all things to all people, and DISAPPOINTED that I’m letting everyone down, even myself …
…and the whole thing just makes me want to BARF.
I’ve always been superstitious, one of those people who knocks on wood and blows eyelashes into the wind and makes wishes at 12:12 every day. But I don’t even know what to wish for anymore. I used to wish for specific things – a vacation, a new job, those cute shoes in the window at Nordy’s. But now I just wish for a feeling – any feeling other than this.
I pretend, I pretend, I pretend like everything is cool, I’ve got it all under control, I can handle it, no problem here. I pretend so much that I convince myself it’s true. Until it all comes spilling out in a blog post that was supposed to be about stupid fucking Valentine’s Day.
You know what I am? I’m the lemon tree. My outside is pretty and sunshiny yellow but the inside is just impossibly sour. And now even the outside is starting to show signs of rot.
And the blog is a part of that, sure, but it’s not the biggest part, not even close. It’s just a small section of a much larger picture, a picture that’s terrible to look at because there’s no fruit, no sunshine, no COLOR. Just varied shades of rotting, ugly gray and a quick smattering of blue around the edges.
So I write stuff like the Violent Valentine post, and I laugh as I write it but then I go back and read it again and I’m shocked when I realize how BITTER I sound, because I AM. Bitter’s never really been my thing, but here it is, in all its glory, and it’s not about my son or my husband or my family or my friends or my life – it’s about ME.
Just me.
The writing has become a manifestation of all my inner struggles – the insecurity and sadness and worry and stress. Underneath the words that tell the funny story, a tiny voice screams out for something to happen – something fun, something good, something real.
Just… something.
Stumble it!
February 10th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
If I had any idea how to give someone that feeling, I’d so give it to you. But I think it’s probably something you can only get for yourself. And hell, I can’t even give you any advice on that part.
How ’bout this: just know you’re not the only one. And you’re still fucking awesome.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Esculent
February 10th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Honey (um, you proly hate that)
Beej, I’m getting caught up with you and am glad to see you are back.
You have a malaise. It is quite QUITE common. it has something to do with, um, LIVING. And as Waltz in Exiles says, you aren’t the only one to have this malaise. It frequently occurs to someone else I know at least 3 times a day if not more (and longer).
So if you feel like you are a lemon, at least you can tell everyone to pucker up, suckers!
~ms last blog post..Moving Violation
February 10th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Love your writing…know that feeling.
February 10th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I relate. Its motherhood, and all the giving over and giving up of our “old identity.” Its midlife and guilt for not counting our blessings carefully enough or dearly enough.Its blogging as the only creative outlet and the added pressure of humorm and the fleeting moment of validation, and the paranoia of perfectionism. I relate. And how.
Ann’s Rantss last blog post..Totally Awkward Tuesday: Blogher 2009
February 10th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
You actually made me want to go to a conference even more. And hey… I’ll hold down cupid while you kick the crap out of him. By the way, trying wishing at 11:11 instead. I hear that works better.
Chriss last blog post..45 Minutes of Hell
February 10th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
trying wishing? Did I just say that? I swear I’m not an Indian trying to pass myself off as an American!! I swear!!
February 10th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
i love lemons.
February 10th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
You know, you might sound bitter, and you may even be bitter. Still, That is the person or personna we hve all come to enjoy and appreciate over these past months. I think part of it is you voice the things we all feel. You are super! You say things that some of us can’t without hurting family or friends who read our own blogs. You make me smile whenever I read your blog. Thanks! And lemons are always better with Vodka…are you?
Jimh.s last blog post..The Cat IS BACK! HURRAY!!!!!
February 10th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Yeah, I’ve never heard of blissdom or whatever, but it doesn’t matter. Just be yourself- fucked up, whiney, confused, bitter, or what- we don’t care. You’re a good read. Keep it up…and by your last paragraph, I guess that’s your dick you need to keep up. (:
Shannons last blog post..YAGBTS
February 10th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Do you know how much I love lemons?
Seriously.
I squeeze those suckers on EVERYTHING.
My life would be horribly empty without my lemons.
So what I’m really trying to say is…I like lemons. And I like you.
Your writing + my lemons= daily lemonade
Thank you for that.
(WTF did I just write? I swear it makes sense in MY head at least.)
McMommys last blog post..Garbage Lady.
February 10th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
I think that everyone is a lemon tree. And whoever coined that stupid expression ‘blah, blah give you lemons , make lemonade, blah’ is a douchebag.
Be yourself – pits and all.
swirl girls last blog post..Fridays Foto Finish Fiesta
February 10th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
I feel your pain, sister. Only, I’m not as bright and cheery as a lemon tree. I’m more like a fig tree. Bitter and wrinkly. I love it over here. I don’t always get a chance to comment, or even log on to the internets as often as I used to, but you’re always one of my must reads.
I think many of us bloggers out there are like you, myself included. If and when I attend a conference, I will be terrified and most likely stand in a corner, crying hoping that no one notices.
You should know, I wish on 11:11 instead of 12:12. 60% of the time it’s worked for me 20% of the time.
steenky bees last blog post..Best Songs, Like Ever
February 10th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Dude?
lemons go with EVERYTHING
flutters last blog post..A lifetime of walls between us
February 10th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Beej, you are not alone, I tell you: not alone.
You are deliciously (lemony?) yourself and I’ll take you any way I can get you.
Everyone has moments/years like this and your just honest enough to talk about it.
San Diego Mommas last blog post..Our Song
February 10th, 2009 at 11:41 pm
Oh CRAP! I did the dreaded “your,” instead of “you’re!”
THAT is unacceptable.
San Diego Mommas last blog post..Our Song
February 10th, 2009 at 11:53 pm
lemons are awesome.
and I would’ve loved your violent valentines day post.
pgoodnesss last blog post..Bad massage or screwed up neck?
February 11th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Squeeze my lemon baby
‘Til the juice runs down my leg
Okay, that’s sweaty blues from a LAME-O who thought she was soooooooo clever, but now knows she’s stupid, but she’s still gonna send it even though there’s still time to erase it.
AND
whaddaya think — you can just squeeze squeeze squeeze the juice out of you all day long without getting a LITTLE dry and wrinkly? No, you can’t. The best of us are pretty dry on the inside and sort of wrinkly on the outside, and it comes from giving up all the good juice past the point when there’s no more to give.
Where’s she going with this?
Huh? I thought YOU knew . . .
Jeez, it better be good after two minutes of blather.
Take some time to make a little more “juice.” Take a break from the extras in your week — blogging included. I did, and after three days I was ready to go again. Some need more time, and that’s gotta be healthy.
Also, stomp that lacy sweatshirt once more for me.
Air kisses! MWAHH!
February 11th, 2009 at 12:44 am
I like pissed off posts, probably because I’m perpetually pissed off about all kinds of things myself. But I get that it’s hard to put that angry side of you out there, in public, for strangers to gape at and judge you by.
Also, I’m with you on Valentine’s Day sucking. I’m tired of feeling like I need to apologize for thinking it’s a stupid holiday and for not buying 23 cheesy, insincere gifts for my wife.
Thanks for the good read, as always.
Craigs last blog post..Dinner, Gold Body Paint, and a Mexico Jail
February 11th, 2009 at 3:35 am
I’ve always thought you have rocked! No matter what you are writing about. It can be about the Bean, or the wierdo in the cube next to you, ot the bee who hitched a ride, or about lemons. It all works for me. And each time I read a post, I always think of how I wish I could be like you. In the blog literary sense. But I have a blog just because. I’m not a writer or trying to be one. So I guess I don’t see that struggle with it. Being bitter will pass. And if that’s what you feel like right now, then so be it. And if you are looking for something fun, good and real…well, I will be moving to Austin in 2 months. Now how happy are you? Yeah, that’s what I thought. =)
So Not Mom-a-liciouss last blog post..I Heart Faces
February 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am
So, seriously, WOULD I draw back a nub if I tried to hug you? Because I’m a hugger, but I’m also a most-of-my-appendages-user, so this is a dilemma for me. You need a hug (everyone needs hugs), but I need both my arms.
Help a bitch out. Nub, y/n?
Stephs last blog post..I’m Emo McSadkid today.
February 11th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Note to self: suddenly cynicism has become a lemon. God damn it, I look like shit in yellow!
You know what I’m ticked about? That you didn’t post that Valentines thing because I fucking hate the holiday too.
Why don’t you let me be your editor, and when you’re in doubt about something, I’ll pre-read it and tell you if it sucks or not. And I’ll be sure to correct all of the “” problems and when you misspell nitche.
No seriously, what I’ve found is that even if I sound like a raging, bitter hater, just the mental release helps me not to be so bitter and hateful. Also, it helps to not give a shit what others think. And to stay focused on right now, not the future. And right now? You’re fine. I think you rock, I love your writing, even when you are bitter and angry. No, especially when you are bitter and angry because, like me, you find a way to laugh at it.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..This post about sex is brought to you by Hallmark holidays
February 11th, 2009 at 10:34 am
Hey – if you can’t say it here, where CAN you say it?
February 11th, 2009 at 11:57 am
you write what i feel. i’m very cynical and a smart ass as well, most of my cynicism comes out in my smart assed-ness. rage away!!!! you are not alone! …and you make me laugh
February 11th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Did you not read my February post? IT’S FEBRUARY. February sucks. It’ll all get better in March.
(I was going to write something all earnest here and then I realized I was all earnest on the last post and then felt like a tool. So. Bite me.)
Alias Mothers last blog post..An open letter to all those people I’ve referred to as “lazy” in my head
February 11th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Beej, lemons are awesome. So are you. I suppose I am sometimes, too, but this isn’t about me. It’s about lemony you. Give me the zest, baby!
foradifferentkindofgirl (FADKOG)s last blog post..‘and when I fall asleep, i don’t think i’ll survive the night (the night)’
February 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Oh, Beej–I so feel your bitter, lemon yellow-gray-black-blah pain. It’s motherhood. It’s mid-life. It’s the recession. And I largely blame congress. And Bernie Madoff–what a bastard.
I digress. For me it’s that no matter what I get done today, I have to all over again tomorrow, and the next day…Sorry. I am not helping, am I?
Beths last blog post..some Thoughts on books
February 11th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
p.s. You’re writing totally rocks–even when it’s bitter–especially when it’s bitter.
Beths last blog post..some Thoughts on books
February 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I’m right there with you. On ALL points. But I always say when life gives you lemons, add some vodka to that fricken lemonade and drink up.
Joie at Canned Laughters last blog post..A Real TV Family
February 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
hang in there mrs schmenkman. i think it’s pretty cool that your words have the power to turn people off to a conference. can you blog about the jonas brothers?
feelings are highly overrated. don’t believe the hype.
love from sugar land… jewels
jewelss last blog post..Vive Les Resolutions
February 11th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
If I consistently posted how I *really* felt, well, I’d probably be the victim of an intervention . . .
I’m with you . . .
tysdaddys last blog post..For Mature Audiences Only
February 11th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I’m sorry you’re struggling a bit. But please publish the Violent Valentine post. Because I mostly hate Valentine’s Day and love to mock it. Also, I think you need to drink more. Just a suggestion. It really does help.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: I know I’m not the…
February 11th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
I love the line you wrote “….and the whole thing just makes me want to BARF” I feel that way from time to time. I’m sorry to read that you’re having a rough time right now but I do want to say that I love your blog, you completely crack me up!!
nandangos last blog post..Just Passing the Time Away
February 12th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Not that this helps you any….but I have been there. Good luck crawling out of the hole.
I agree with nandango…..I do love your blog!
dysfunctional moms last blog post..Wordful Wednesday ~ Friends
February 12th, 2009 at 8:28 am
I’m hard pressed to come up with something that hasn’t been said already in comments, but I thought I’d add to the comment love just to let you know you are not alone. While my experiences are not the same as your experiences, I know what you mean. It’s a daily challenge to be something other than the lemon. Of course, remember, lemons make lemonade — which is always tasty with vodka!
February 12th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Much the same as MomZombie said…I’m really unable to come up with something that hasn’t already been said by the masses who came before me. But then you already knew that via our recent email exchange. So I’ll just leave you with this though…
Lemons are just about one of my favourite fruits. I think they smell better than anything on the face of this sometimes frustrating earth, they are bright, but also pack quite the punch. I love them anyhow. And they are about the ONLY thing that can get me to eat fish. Lemons are bold and fresh and unique.
I kinda see you the same way…Although, as much as I luv ya…I wouldn’t slather you all over fish.
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Show off Your Favorites…for a Chance to Win a $250 Target Gift Card!
February 12th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Everything in this post I have felt something similar to at some point. (How’s that for a fucked up sentence?)
A long time ago, my sister and I carved all the things that were currently pissing us off into a pumpkin (like, just scraped the words into the surface). Then we took huge butcher knives and mutilated the SHIT out of it. It sounds dumb, but IT FELT SO GOOD.
I’m not advocating playing with knives, but… fuck yeah, I am. Stab the shit out a pumpkin with a knife.
Just be careful and don’t spill any lemon juice, k?
Sarcastic Moms last blog post..New Name for Your Fun-Time Box
February 12th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Ummm…. last time we checked, this remains your blog and you get to be and say whatever, whenever, however you want. Personally we love the way you write, absolutely. Methinks it is the being real part that keeps us coming back.
You are a gem,
tp
PS: Can we just be petty for a moment and comment on how MUCH we LOVE the new Lemony blog look?!
The Preppy Princesss last blog post..Old School Preppy & More J. Crew for the First Lady,
February 12th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
and that, is exactly what bloggin is for me too. for that, I love your blog even more than I did before, maybe it is because inside that is all of us and it makes me feel more normal.
staciesmadnesss last blog post..Abe-rthday.
February 12th, 2009 at 9:47 pm
I’m with Joie. Lemon drops are one of my favorite shots. This pst sums up so much of what San Diego Momma and I talk about every. time. we get together. Insecurity is human nature (IMHO). If you don’t qiestion yourself and your feelings you’ll never grow or learn. OK, now I sound like a sappy Hallmark card. You’ll figure it out.
February 13th, 2009 at 9:41 am
crap crap crap. I’ve been sitting here for half an hour trying to think of something to say that either hasn’t already been said or doesn’t sound facile. I can’t.
I really do think that Lemons are essential in life (lemonade, lemon sorbet, something to put on smoked salmon mmmmm) but if you feel rotten inside then you have to deal with that. It sounds to me like you need someone to talk to – you need to get shit out of your system and then get positive feedback on what you’re saying and how you’re going to deal with it. It’s not an easy process but it can work wonders if you let it.
I’ve been piteously hero worshipping you for some time now and I’ll say it again – you’re awesome and your blog is fantastic.
February 16th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Have always loved the lemon tree song. And also your blog, despite the fact that I have stopped reading so many good places lately. Have you checked out Grace in Small Things, Schmutzie’s site? It may help with your fruit, sunshine, and color. (I rather like your color myself; who wants bright yellow anyway? As my daughter says, I like all the colors, except white, gray, and yellow. So there.)
August 11th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
The Lemon is CONSPIRING with AUTHORITIES to ensure that it will not be eaten. We must reject these SONGS OF CONSPIRACY and realize our enemies!
The Fruit of the Poor Lemon, impossible to eat? This is nothing to be pitied for, it is an ADVANTAGE for the lemon itself. Now, the new conspirators are making a song to be placed within our culutre so we feel sorry for the Lemon, and in return ourselves!
Of course ask men if they are impossible to eat, and they will say no. But many men are just like the poor lemon with a taste as vicious as the first exposure to that yellow fruit.
Remember MEN, the Poor Lemon is psychological ploy developed so you pity yourself and do not take action when you advise that your flower is sweet! Women will now call you the POOR LEMON! And you will identify in error with the rest of the song.
Steve