I talked about this post earlier. I wasn’t going to publish it, but apparently the people who read this blog are just as socially deviant as I am, and I’ve been assured that you all really LIKE angry, bitter, violent rage. So. Here you go. Happy fucking Valentines Day.
(P.S. What a bunch of sick, twisted bastards you are. I kinda love you.)
**************************
So yesterday the Cheerful Holiday Sweater Lady approached me with some huge, lacy, heart-shaped monstrosity and was all, “Here’s your invitation to the Valentine’s Party!” in her super-happy sing-songy voice. And I was all, “I don’t celebrate Valentines Day” and she was all, “Don’t be silly, EVERYONE celebrates Valentine’s Day!” and I was all “Well, I don’t” and she was all, “Why on earth not?” and I was all, “I hate it, it’s stupid” and she was all, “Surely you don’t REALLY think that” and I was all “I totally DO think that and DON’T CALL ME SHIRLEY” and she was all “But don’t you want to show your VALENTINE how much you looooove him?” and I was all
NO. IT’S FUCKING STUPID, YOU RIDICULOUS BITCH.
And her hands flew up to her mouth as she gasped, and then she just stood there frozen, in her pink sweater with the red satin hearts and lacy parts, hands to her mouth, staring at me for what seemed like forever, and I stared right back at her shooting daggers (the exact opposite of Cupid arrows, for your reference) at her with my eyes, just daring her to say something else — but she never did. And finally she left. Shaking her head. Like there was something wrong with ME in this scenario.
And with that departing head shake, my blood began to BOIL.
How DARE this nut in the frilly pink and red sweater with shiny hearts and cherubs suggest that I’m somehow inferior to HER simply because I refuse to buy into the bullshit that we call Valentine’s Day?
And she didn’t even laugh at my “Shirley” joke?!?! Who the HELL does she think she IS?
I sat there for a moment, the seething rage bubbling up my insides, and suddenly I Could. Not. Sit. There. For. One. More. Second. So I jumped up and chased that freak AND her absurd sweater down the hallway, and finally I cornered them, and I yanked the doily invitations out of her bony hand and threw them on the floor, and whipped her around to face me, and she cried while I slapped her and yelled
Don’t you REALIZE (slap) that Valentines Day is nothing more than a commercial, money-making machine with no real purpose at all, outside of making single people feel SHITTY (hard shake) about themselves, holding couples HOSTAGE (slap) to some fantastical idea of manufactured romance, and BILKING (hard shake) the American public out of its HARD (slap) EARNED (slap) DOLLARS (slap) ? (hard shake, hard shake, hard shake)
YOU (hard chest poke) are part of the problem, Holiday (chest poke) Sweater (chest poke) Lady (chest poke). YOU (hard chest poke) and your Valentines party (slap) and your doily invitations (slap) and your ridiculous sweater (slap) with the hearts and lace and cherubs and bells. (hard shake, head slam against wall)
EVERY DIME (hard shake) YOU (slap) SPEND (slap) on cards and flowers and candy JUST FEEDS (head bang) THE VALENTINES (head bang) BEAST! (extra hard head bang)
So DON’T YOU (chest poke)
SHAKE YOUR (chest poke)
HEAD (head bang)
AT ME!!! (hard slap)
And my fucking “Shirley” gag was HILARIOUS. (hard slap)
BITCH.
(extra extra hard head bang against wall)
I felt grotesquely giddy as I beat her up and screamed at her, and she kept crying, holding onto the lacy part of her holiday sweater like it was a rosary, praying to Cupid to come and save her from the crazy screaming, head banging, chest poking, shaking, slapping, kicking lady.
(Did I mention I was kicking her, too? Because I was.)
Eventually it wasn’t feeling fun anymore so I let her go and she fell to the ground, so pathetic, mascara streaking down her face (seriously, why does anyone buy anything other than the waterproof?), hair askew, bruised, still holding on to her lacy part, and I didn’t even care. I just spit on her and stomped on her doilies and mumbled “Fucking CUPID can EAT ME” as I sauntered off, head high, feeling all tough and cool.
And I walked right out to my car and drove over the local candy store and bought some delicious heart-shaped chocolate covered strawberries to celebrate.
They only sell the really good ones around Valentines Day.
Stumble it!
Tags: hallmark can bite me, holiday sweater lady, valentines day sucks
February 13th, 2009 at 9:23 am
LMAO. (And I totally laughed out loud at the Shirley joke!)
pgoodnesss last blog post..Do Something Good Today
February 13th, 2009 at 9:25 am
I frickin’ hate anyone who wears holiday sweaters and have taken to beating a few of them myself. That’s the reason I’m barred from my kid’s classroom.
Prefers Her Fantasy Lifes last blog post..From the H-Files (The Hippie Files)–My First Love
February 13th, 2009 at 9:38 am
“Fucking CUPID can EAT ME”
Best. Valentine’s. Post. Ever!
Peggys last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts
February 13th, 2009 at 9:41 am
She had it coming.
Gotta get me some of those strawberries….
February 13th, 2009 at 9:43 am
Love you Beej – thanks for posting this.
Sincerely,
A sick, twisted bastard.
kailas last blog post..Eff you, Stormy
February 13th, 2009 at 9:46 am
ha ha ha ha ha. Good one.
I can’t believe she didn’t laugh at the Shirley gag – she deserved a beating just for that.
Barbaras last blog post..43/365 – A Basket of Roses
February 13th, 2009 at 10:10 am
Beej – Will U be MY valentine?
THAT is what I’m talking about. PERFECT.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:44 am
Heeee.
Also, I love the line, “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day.” I may use it, in a really serious, slightly disappointed voice, like some of the “I don’t celebrate Christmas” people do. Do you think I can claim a religious exemption? Like, “I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, because I belong to the Church of Bitch.”
Alias Mothers last blog post..I’m only asking this for a friend
February 13th, 2009 at 10:53 am
I have serious issues with a “holiday” that gives us doilies. Doilies. Even the word makes me cringe. Also, conversation hearts are on my list, too. Basically, Valentine’s Day can suck it – but not until I’ve had a couple of those Reece’s Peanut Butter hearts. Damn, I love those things.
February 13th, 2009 at 10:58 am
You fucking rock. The end.
February 13th, 2009 at 11:03 am
I’d beat her up just because she is the total cliche office party planner. Unnnnnnh! That was one kick from me. grrrr.
amysprites last blog post..Math For Girls (Or For Anyone!) And More
February 13th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
I am all for Alias Mother’s ‘Church of Bitch’..cept I am now going out to buy my mom a V-card because otherwise I couldn’t take the guilt.
Husband is on his own..
February 13th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Beej: Hey, guys.
Chris: What’s up, B?
Beej: Want to go to Chotchkie’s? Get some coffee?
Chris: Oh, it’s a little early.
Beej: I gotta get outta here. I think I’m gonna lose it.
Holiday Sweater Lady: Uh-oh. Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays
Chris Os last blog post..Increasing my vocabulary so can appear younger and cooler
February 13th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I like Valentine’s Day. It’s a saint day, ya know? SAINT Valentine and all. It’s all holy and almighty and stuff.
I use it as an excuse, and a HOLY one at that, to get expensive shoes and Godiva chocolates and babysitters out of my husband. Then, in honor of a saint and being a good Christian, I have my way with him. Wearing expensive do-me shoes and smeared with raspberry truffles. And he likes it, in the name of all that’s holy.
A religious holiday where you eat chocolate and get ya some. I’ll take that.
(Even St. Valentine would’ve opened a can of whoop ass on the people of the doilies and holiday sweaters though. No love for them.)
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..Blissdom 09: Nashville Shopping
February 13th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
I fucking HATE valentine’s day so much I refuse to capitalize it.
so there.
swirl girls last blog post..The One Where Debbie Does Dallas **
February 13th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
omg
I can’t even believe you QUESTIONED posting this…IT IS FUCKING HILARIOUS! Ah, seriously, that was GREAT!
staciesmadnesss last blog post..In the bag.
February 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
I might have thought you over reacted but then I saw that she didn’t get your Shirley joke…you had to do it. She sealed her own fate.
Michelle Smiless last blog post..Enough talking about blogging
February 13th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Blythe, you should be ashamed of yourself. Don’t you know the people wearing those frilly, cheerful holiday swears are escapees from the mental ward? You just beat up a certifiable insane person.
February 13th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Thank you for that. Seriously.
P.S. Anyone who doesn’t get the “Shirley” joke should be doused with gasoline and asked to hold a lit match.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..Wordless Wednesday: I know I’m not the…
February 13th, 2009 at 8:54 pm
AND she totally has the hots for you now. Good one.
Ann’s Rantss last blog post..My Funny Valentine
February 13th, 2009 at 9:24 pm
I’m pretty sure I speak for millions of others when I say, thank you for taking a stinky dump all over this pukey holiday. It had it coming (and so did the Sweater Lady).
Craigs last blog post..Rest well, Lanemom
February 13th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
I’m soooooooooooo happy you decided to post this. It’s my all time favorite post EVER!!!! Fuck v-day. Hmm v-day… v.d. Think that’s a coincidence?
Chriss last blog post..45 Minutes of Hell
February 14th, 2009 at 1:02 am
you are a fucking nut. I love it.
flutters last blog post..Butterflies
February 14th, 2009 at 4:57 am
Oh, this was hilarious. Still is hilarious. Thanks for the laughs.
February 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Now why didn’t you want to post this?!? Compared to my fantasies of drawing & quartering mothers who “can’t wait for summer vacation!” so they can be with their school-aged kids 24/7, this is tame. And goddamn funny too (& less bloody)!
Suelles last blog post..A Brief Intermission…
February 14th, 2009 at 11:32 am
I am so totally in love with you right now.
Will you be my anti-valentine? We can skip happily through your office and jam a poison dart in Holiday Sweater Lady’s eye. She deserves it. How could she not laugh at Shirley?!
February 14th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Ohh come on you don’t wear those frilly, holiday sweaters? (haha)
That was CRAZY funny! Love it!
Amandas last blog post..Valentines Love…..
February 14th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
It seems to be sweetly ironic today. Your sister has the role of The Angry Vagina in the SDSU production of “The Vagina Monologues.” The day and the week have been V-week to promote support for abused women.
They too have thumbed their nose at the silly commercial promotion of love.
i like V-day better.
February 14th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Really, this was too funny and I have to admit that I have felt this way on many occasions…even Christmas is getting this tacky!
Good one
Kamis last blog post..Hawaii, The Big Island
February 14th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I can sense you have a tiny bit of pent up anger within your body. I can go with the screaming and pushing crap but you took one step to far with the kicking. Maybe you should have just one Valentine’s chocolate to take the edge off.
julias last blog post..
February 14th, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Are you looking over your shoulder yet for Hallmark’s secret service people?
The only thing I buy on V-day is chocolate covered strawberries also. It’s the only time of the year the deli makes them. V-day is lame and I would way rather spend my money on cheap porn that can be appreciated all year long!
So Not Mom-a-liciouss last blog post..The Internet took the preverts out of my life
February 16th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Who doesn’t get the “shirley” joke. you had to take her out for just that.
texasholly @ June Cleaver Nirvanas last blog post..Potluck for the Advancement of Stick Figures
February 17th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
I’m having Office Space flashbacks, with the “Sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!” lady playing the part of your frilly nemesis.
Which works pretty well, actually.
TwoBusys last blog post..Springs eternal