Bejewell on July 21st, 2008

So, over the weekend I published another Fucking Awesome post for the HUGE BlogHerNot event, which MommyPie hosted and for which I was honored to be an esteemed instructor.

Soon after my post went up, my psycho stalker readers devoted students started leaving their comments, totally blowing smoke up my ass expressing their appreciation and displaying the new knowledge they had gained from my class. Suck ups.

Comment #3 came from Kristine over at Mommy Needs Therapy, and it said this:

Ok, this post couldn’t be more fucking appropriate!

If you could be just a bit bothered, and check out my blog, I have a little something there for you. *blush*

Why do I feel like a freshman girl sucking up to the senior head cheerleader?

Now, being the TOTAL COMMENT WHORE that I am, I was keeping a watchful eye over my post, and as soon as I saw Kristine’s comment I clicked over. It sounded like there might be something in it for me, after all, and I’m a selfish, greedy bitch very curious young lady.

So of course I clicked over right away and this is what I saw:

I’m not gonna lie. I was a little confused. Not really sure why she would want to show me a picture of a cat’s ass painted like a little gentleman. What was she trying to tell me? Was she calling me a cat’s ass? Was she calling me a little gentleman with a bowler hat? Was there some kind of hidden code in her message? WHAT THE FUCK WAS GOING ON?

About that time, we had a *small* incident in (well, really, OUT of) the house, when somebody who shall remain nameless (but whose name is spelled B-E-A-N) decided to crawl out of the doggie door (again) and explore the backyard on his own, so Kristine and her cat’s ass were quickly forgotten while I went to “take control” (ha!) of the situation.

But the cat’s ass was not forgotten completely because later, after the somebody-who-shall-remain-nameless was rescued from imminent danger (and was, I might add, surprisingly unappreciative of my heroic efforts), I started thinking about it again, and I said to myself, “Self, that was fucking WEIRD” and I decided to go back and check and see if maybe I missed something.

So I did, and wouldn’t you know it, Kristine had actually published THIS post, which I guess is the post she meant to send me to all along, but she left her comment before she actually published the post and I, being the selfish, greedy bitch curious young lady that I am, just blazed right on over to her blog before she even got a chance to put the real thing up.

But now it all makes sense.

And the REAL point of this painfully long story is: I got an award!

I would like to thank the Academy, and of course my family and friends, who have always stood by me and supported me, even when times were tough. And I’d also like to thank my team of attorneys, agents, and hairdressers – if I actually had any. And of course I can’t forget my FANS – because everything I do, I do it for you, the little people!

(Cue “Get-Off-The-Stage-You-Long-Winded-Shithead” music)
So anyway the rules of the award thing are this: 

You have to pick 5 blogs that you consider deserve this award for their creativity, design, interesting material, and also for contributing to the blogging community, no matter what language.

Each award has to have the name of the author and also a link to his or her blog to be visited by everyone.

Each award winner has to show the award and put the name and link to the blog that has given her or him the award itself.

Award-winner and the one who has given the prize have to show the link of Arte y Pico blog, so everyone will know the origin of this award.  

It’s a lot of rules, sure. But I’ve never won an award before so I’m totally willing to jump through hoops. (But just this once.)

So here are the five blogs I pick to pass on this esteemed honor:

  1. Auds at Barking Mad. 
    She’s my homey! And she’s married to a Brit, and says funny things like “that gets on my tits” and “bollocks.” And she uses the word “whilst.” And she loves me even though she used to be a radio host, and I totally dissed radio hosts in one of my posts, when I called them “the fingernails on the chalkboard of my life.” (We just don’t talk about it.) She also has an adorable little Imp, and a stunningly beautiful daughter named Megawatt, whose addiction to Red Bulls and Mountain Dew recently landed her in the hospital with a monster ulcer. And also? Her blog is Fucking Awesome.
  2. Alias Mother.  
    Can I get some Alias love in da hooooouuusse? She’s totally sarcastic, always funny and lets her daughter chew on rocks. And she tosses bathtub letters at her baby and laughs when they stick. Plus, she managed to make me feel better about my soft post-baby belly, and no one else has been able to do that. (Still not comfortable wearing a bathing suit in public, though. She’s not a miracle worker.)
  3. Texas Jewels at Thinking Out Loud.
    The only blogger I know. No, I mean really. She’s the only blogger I personally, actually KNOW. In person. And I got her into this whole blogging mess, because I read something she wrote on MySpace when I was just checking in to see how she was doing, and she had written this amazing piece, and I was like, “What the fuck?” so I wrote her and told her “Start a blog right fucking now,” and she did, so now I can go to her blog anytime I want to and read about her life and her thoughts and her new boyfriend with a bad rug, and I can think, “I am TOTALLY responsible for this.” And I love taking credit for things that are Fucking Awesome.
  4. The Benevolent Dictator.
    I have already given her the award for Best Blog Name Ever. But I also think she’s smart, funny, and an excellent writer.  Hers was the first blog I ever looked at and thought, “I really want to do that.”  Her posts are always interesting.  AND she’s a bonehead.  Plus, she calls her kids the Bear, the Llama and the Bee, and anyone who does that is okay in my book. 
  5. ~m at Dreams, You Got It, Happy.
    She was one of the first people to ever leave a comment on my blog.  And she hates Fourth of July fireworks people as much as I do. And she’s lived, like, everywhere.  And well, I just LIKE her. I always like to check in and see how she’s doing with Miles, who is an adorable baby but refuses to sleep through the night, even now. And I feel for her, but also enjoy the fact that (a) it’s not me and (b) she’s able to keep her sense of humor about it and (c) she’s obviously an incredible mom.

So congratulations, ladies. Drag those old bridesmaids gowns out of the closet for a triumphant walk down the red carpet. And start writing your acceptance speeches now. I can’t wait to read them!

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17 Responses to “I’m a Cat’s Ass AND an Award Winner”

  1. Congrats on being a cats ass and winning an award. You really are an all around girl arn’t you?

    Thank you, and yes, I like to think so.

  2. I think I just fell in love with you. You potty mouthed girl. My kinda woman…

    Oh, there’s more where that came from! Come back anytime! Bring your friends!

  3. Wow, that cat pic is wierd and sad.

    I know… awesome, right?

  4. Who does that to a cat? Was the cat anesthetized or something? Where can I get some of that kind of free time?

    Congratulations on your award.

    I’m still so stalking you.

    I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. But stalk away, my friend. Stalk away.

  5. I about spit out my cranberry juice … are hilarious, and I am so glad I found you through BlogHerNot!

    After you clean yourself up, come back and see me. BlogHerNot fucking ROCKED DA HOUSE!!

  6. Congrats you old cat’s ass you!

    Old? Who are you calling old?

  7. I’d have taken the cat’s ass too! Hey, that gives me an idea for a new award! Or not.

    Thank you so much! I’m really pretty flattered, especially considering you can’t stand air talent. But that’s ok, we won’t talk about that!

    I’m composing my acceptance speech as I type. But damned if I can’t find anything to wear.

    The next award, I swear to God, is going to be a cat’s ass.

    And, you’re welcome.

  8. And may I say, your hairdressers do an amazing job.

    You’re the cat’s ass, I mean meow!

    I was wondering who would be the first to make a “cat’s meow” reference. Congratulations, lucky winner!

  9. Well, darned if I ain’t touched all to hell. And in all the right places, too.

    I’m so happy to have won an award for something, especially since, as proven above, I shall never get one for my mad parenting skillz. Although I maintain that if they don’t want you to stick the foam letters to the baby, they shouldn’t make the foam stick to skin. Am I right?

    You are TOTALLY right. And if they don’t want your baby to chew on rocks, why do they just leave them out there in the yard like that?

  10. OH MY GAWD! I would thank you for the award except that I have to go take a nap now!
    (Just as soon as I paint my cat’s ass(es)

    Sleep, my pretty. Sleep. The blog will still be there in the morning.

  11. I noticed that through your comments as it was happening. And I was laughing MY ass off. Glad you got what was rightfully yours in the end!

    I’m so glad you were able to derive some entertainment from my humiliation. That’s pretty much what my life is all about.

  12. Congratulations to the award winners (you too). The cat;s ass is weird. Glad that wasn’t what she was showing you….

    Weird doesn’t even begin to describe it. Fucking Awesome comes close!!

  13. imagine my fucking suprise when i was reading your blog and out of fucking nowhere i see my BLOG mentioned!!!

    you are the coolest person i actually knew in real life before we even had internet and now are my totally completely BFF blogger in this world of make believe anonymous internet friendships.

    thanks for turning me on to blogging and for the mention on your world wide web FAMOUS fucking blog. i promise to do my best to live up to this mention and use fuck whenever possibly. or at least shit. :)

    No, YOU’RE the coolest! No, YOU! No, YOU!

    Please take this honor seriously. I don’t hand out cat’s asses, I mean awards, to just anyone. Really, you’re a brilliant writer and deserve more traffic. I really hope more people check your blog out. Because seriously, It IS Fucking Awesome. And you need more readers than that douche bag Mark, who said something about me being from an estrogen team, or some other obnoxious shit like that.

  14. Damn, you’re pretty funny! I think I’ll have to visit your site again!

  15. *lmao*

    Oh boy, I had no idea what my little goof would start.

    You’d think after three years of blogging I’d get the order down right…but noooo.

    Glad you enjoyed the cats ass as well as your real award!

    See what you started? Now there are cat’s asses floating around all over the internets!


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