Bejewell on March 9th, 2009

A couple of months ago, we bought The New Car. 

Correction.  The Big Bean bought The New Car. 

I’ve driven The New Car exactly one time (before it was even “ours,” when we were still in the “test drive” phase — as soon as it actually belonged to “us” those privileges were immediately revoked).  I’ve actually only ridden in The New Car a handful of times, and I am NOT allowed to touch The New Car or walk past it or look at it funny or even think about it unless my mental image involves the Big Bean driving The New Car on a cloud surrounded by marshmallows and clean chamois cloths.

The New Car now occupies the space in the garage that was once reserved for my car.

Sometimes the Big Bean sits in an old rocking chair in the garage and stares at The New Car until he falls asleep.

I am not kidding.

So I really don’t know why it surprised me the other day when the following events transpired.


The Big Bean picked me up for lunch, in The New Car.  I was slightly exhilarated and also more than a little scared to be allowed to ride in The New Car, almost like I was breaking some kind of major house rule and was sure to be caught red-handed any second. 

Some discussion ensued about where we would eat lunch.  The Big Bean wanted a salad, I wanted yummy appetizers.  It was eventually decided that we would feast at Zax, a local pub/grill that has both delicious, fancy salads and yummy appetizers, and is located close to my office.  Win-win-win. 

Everyone was happy.

Until we got to Zax. 

As we approached, the Big Bean carefully switched on his blinker, taking pains to be gentle because you never know, something could HAPPEN to the blinker switch; it could fall off, right there in the Big Bean’s hand, and wouldn’t that be TRAGIC?  (Insert hilarious dick-in-hand joke here.). But luckily, he was careful, and the blinker came on, switch intact. 

We both breathed small sighs of relief. 

Everything seemed to be on track.  My mouth was already watering for some yummy appetizer goodness.  I was starving.

As the Big Bean slowed to turn into the parking lot, however, there was a MAJOR GLITCH.  911.  EMERGENCY.


We did NOT turn in.

We kept driving.

The Big Bean cursed.  And cursed.  And cursed some more.

That GODDAMNED parking lot had STANDING WATER.  How DARE they?  The STANDING WATER might splash up onto The New Car!  That scenario was UNACCEPTABLE.  How could he possibly be expected to take that risk?

We kept driving, straight to a sandwich shop, which was further away from work, had no yummy salads, offered no mouth-wateringly delicious appetizer goodness — BUT it had a FLAT PARKING SURFACE.

The Big Bean was happy.

The New Car remained spotless.

I ate a sandwich I didn’t want and remained completely baffled.

I cannot make this shit up, people.


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18 Responses to “Zax and The New Car”

  1. THAT is funny!

    Peggys last blog post..You just can’t beat on those mind guerillas

  2. Oh he needs a scratch on it, that’s what he needs. All you need is one scratch and he’ll just have to shrug and stop obssesing. (For the first day though, you’ll have to hold him while he cries.)

    amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..Dear 2009

  3. so what would happen, if you accidently spilled bird seed on the car and a flock of black birds decended at a stop sign and left poop all over the car and he had to use a shot gun and shot at the birds and then some old lady was nearby and he shot her in the face accidently… Yeah yeah it’s all fun and games until some old lady loses an eye!

    Chris Os last blog post..Happy B-Day Barbie and Tats to you!

  4. Boys are weird! I pray for you when the day comes he’s walking toward the car in a parking lot and notices someone door dinged him!

    foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..behind the bushes ’til i’m screamin’ for more

  5. Thats so funny. My partner bought me a new car 2 years ago.I had never owned a new car before and felt totally unworthy of driving said new car for months!! it’s all ok now though cos master 3 threw a chunk of metal at the door last month and dented it. Now its all “comfy like” *snort*.


  6. Ah, boys and their toys… Or cars. Too funny! But also, not. Sandwich vs. yummy apps? Please!

    Zs last blog post..Because I am a monkey

  7. yummy appetizers thrown over for a SANDWICH??? ooooh, them’s totally FIGHTIN’ words.

    the planet of janets last blog post..A little lip service

  8. This is why I still drive my 1986 Honda Prelude.

    tysdaddys last blog post..Meat is the New Bread

  9. HAHAHAH! Guys are so like that with new toys. It’s just a phase, thankfully.

    Melanies last blog post..I <3 Faces: Creative Cropping, the Adult Version

  10. The Bean needs to be the one to make the first scratch or dent in that car. (If you do it it pits you against the car as the car’s natural enemy.) Then you get to be the one who says “poor baby” and look like a hero. Can you trick him into a small, subtle crash?

  11. We’ll be getting a New Car soon. I can only hope that my husband treats his the same rather than like an extension of the garbage dump that he calls his current car.

    Melanie @ Mel, A Dramatic Mommys last blog post..Gift Card Winner

  12. Yet another wonderful reminder of all the fucked up shit guys do that drive me crazy… tonight, i will stretch out horizontally across my king size bed, picturing big bean driving away from yummy appetizers for his lovely beej in favor of keeping his CAR clean…and try to convince myself i’m actually happier being single. snif.snif.

    jewelss last blog post..Anatomy of a crappy day

  13. My husband was like this about his New Chair. Only he would sit in the New Chair, the chair he had bought specifically to Read Philosophy In. I was not to place items temporarily upon the chair, such as books or clothes. The cats, for the first few days, were violently shouted at for so much as glancing at it sideways. The New Chair was his domain, his tiny cream kingdom in a world without sanity.

    Until we came home, three days in a row, to find one or both cats asleep on the New Chair, oblivious to his rage and very certain, in the way only cats can be, that any flat, comfortable surface left unattended for anything longer than a minute in THEIR house was, similarly, THEIRS.

    Within a week, the New Chair became clad in a fine layer of black, white and grey fur. And ever since then, it has been, almost exclusively, the Cat Chair.

    Foz Meadowss last blog post..Barbie Girls

  14. Jesus wept!

    And my hubby wants to know why I won’t let him get the new car he wants. I’m going to have him read this and then maybe he’ll understand things. *lol*

    Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..Why Hast Thou Betrayed Me, Zicam?

  15. And yet if you had something new would he want to protect it so much? No, I suspect not. Men – they are odd.

    Barbaras last blog post..73/365 – I Do Like A Bargain

  16. I was hiking with a friend once in the middle of nowhere…literally. Friend’s husband had dropped us off in the middle of nowhere. Friend got a blister and placed a 911 call to her husband to retrieve her via an old logging road we identified on the map. Friend and I came to old logging road and friend panicked. Road was gravel and dust. She said that husband would never subject his truck/child to that to rescue her. Luckily for their marriage he did.

    Allisons last blog post..Verdure

  17. I really like your blog and i respect your work. I?ll be a frequent visitor.

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