8:07AM Arrives at office. Does not say good morning.
8:09AM Disappears to office cafeteria for coffee, breakfast tacos and socializing with the few people who can stand to talk to him.
8:37AM Returns to desk with newspaper and gross coffee/taco breath.
8: 39AM Logs on to computer, sighs loudly, calls computer a “piece of shit.”
8:41AM “It’s like an oven in here. Jesus.” Sighs loudly again.
8:47AM Coughs loudly. “I feel terrible. It’s this place. All this recycled air makes me sick.”
8:48AM Coughs again. Offers very long, very detailed description of latest illness including something called a “productive cough” (which, GROSS) and doctor’s equally gross diagnosis.
9:10AM Eavesdrops on a conversation between me and a co-worker over the cubicle wall. Interjects multiple thoughts, despite the fact that our discussion does not involve or affect him in any way.
9:37AM Random whistling.
9:59AM “Goddammit who keeps turning up the heat?!? It’s like a SAUNA in here!”
10:12AM Asks for the 479th time what kind of laptop I have, how much it costs, what anti-virus software I use and whether I like it or not. Launches into detailed account of months-long quest to purchase a laptop (an account I could recite by heart at this point).
Rant includes multiple grumbly references to “that jackass Bill Gates” and numerous complaints about the high price of Internet access.
10:20AM Clueless Computer Guy overhears and joins in with feedback and helpful suggestions. Seemingly endless conversation between the two ultimately confirms that neither of them actually understands anything about computers.
11:23AM Upon Manager’s departure for lunch, grumbles about Manager’s work ethic, which he feels is sorely lacking.
11:29AM Mid-rant, a co-worker approaches and requests assistance on small project.
Response: “Not now. I’m busy. Maybe I’ll get to it after lunch time, but don’t hold your breath.” With a dismissive wave, sends co-worker away.
11:30AM Rustles newspaper as daily reading commences.
11:46AM Smells my lunch and comes over to investigate. Upon seeing that my dish includes zucchini, volunteers that zucchini often upsets his digestive system and gives him “the runs.” Happily returns to desk as I throw my uneaten lunch into the trash.
11:52AM Sporadic snoring begins.
12:18PM Sudden, loud snort indicates that he has woken.
12:20 PM Coughs loudly again. Insists that “this damn dusty office is trying to kill us all.”
12:27PM Asks me a question about Microsoft Word that an infant could figure out. Insists that I come to his gross desk to SHOW him the answer, rather than just telling him from across the cubicle wall.
12:29PM Upon realizing how easy it was, offers lame excuse for not being able to figure out Microsoft Word Infant question on his own, launching into yet another angry tirade about “that jackass Bill Gates.”
12:42PM ”What IS that you’re listening to over there? I can’t quite make it out.” When told that the song currently playing was performed by Cat Stevens, adamantly claims that Cat Stevens is a terrorist. Lays out a detailed argument for his case, despite the fact that no one has contradicted him or cares or is even listening to him at all.
1:47PM Another co-worker approaches and asks for assistance on a project. Tells co-worker that he cannot “drop everything” to help. Insists that it is not his job (although it totally is) and passes the buck to another department. After co-worker leaves, dejected, calls co-worker a “leech” and mutters under breath, “like I’M going to help YOU.”
2:02PM Places phone call to auto shop about tire rotation. Pursues far-reaching discussion about price of tires, size of tires, position of tires. Haggles over price. When auto shop guy refuses to bargain, calls him an “idiot” and hangs up. Loudly.
2:28PM Complains (again, loudly) about how much work he has to do and can’t get ANYTHING done because there is no one to help him. He needs an ASSISTANT, dammit!
2:31PM More random whistling.
2:56PM “So, Beej, what are your plans for the weekend? I’m all a-twitter.” I throw up a little in my mouth, and give evasive, non-specific answer.
3:01PM Places phone call to friend who might have information about an open position with another division. Adamantly badmouths previous occupant of position. Complains bitterly (again) about current boss and pay rate.
Insists that person on the other line walk him step-by-step through the online application. Runs into numerous issues that a fucking monkey could resolve. Most are followed by “This computer is SUCH a piece of shit” and more complaining about agency’s failure to budget for the necessary equipment to do his job properly. Complains, “THIS is why I have a to-do list that’s a mile long!”
3:33PM During call, another co-worker approaches with a plea for help. Puts hand to phone mouthpiece and abruptly tells co-worker “I can’t be bothered right now. Come back later.”
Returns to personal phone call and complains more about current position, possible new position and computer.
3:43PM As phone conversation continues, I say a silent prayer that someone, ANYONE will hire him so he will go away. Sadly, I also know that will never happen.
4:00PM As I turn off my cubicle light, he offers: “See you back in hell tomorrow,” with no concept of just how true that is for me.
Stumble it!
Tags: creepy dude, cubicle hell
March 11th, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Ugh! That sounds like a total nightmare! It also pisses me off because there are so many people out there who need jobs so badly and would actually do their jobs! Good Luck! Hope he gets that new “job”
Peggys last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
March 11th, 2009 at 2:16 pm
And this ass hat has a job that actually pays him money?? How do I sign up?
swirl girls last blog post..The One About the Edit Button
March 11th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
10:20AM Clueless Computer Guy overhears and joins in with feedback and helpful suggestions. Seemingly endless conversation between the two ultimately confirms that neither of them actually understands anything about computers.
I had no idea that we worked in the same office! Amazing.
March 11th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
omg.
I’d be beating on the cubicle wall, yelling for him to shut the hell up.
staciesmadnesss last blog post..You Capture-Wk 3
March 11th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I kind of hope there’s not a Mrs. Creepy Dude in the Next Cubicle who has to put up with this guy when he morphs into Annoying Dude Who Came Back Here Again Tonight.
I guess kudos on his ballsiness to get on his work computer and apply for another job, assuming he ever makes it through the actual application process.
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..the shortest post i’ve ever given you. in bed!
March 11th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
this is when you need to encase his stapler in jello. god help you. and the rest of the world.
March 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Put in a good word for me and I promise I’ll never bad mouth Bill Gates or Zucchini . . .
March 11th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
Beej, your mission is clear: you need to mess with this guy. Break his tiny, angry, sad little world and clutch those shards of enjoyment like a sharpened teddybear. Every few days, unplug his computer after he leaves the office. Snicker as he takes ages to figure out why it won’t work. For variation, unplug the monitor rather than the box, and watch him change colour. Then tell him you’re seriously thinking of joining a socialist collective. That’ll keep him right out, or make him so ludicrously angry that he just might die. Make outrageous, straight-faced claims that your building is structurally unsound. And just for variation, leave strange, purposeless items on his chair, then claim the same thing has been happening to you, too. In other words, confuse the fucker.
Foz Meadowss last blog post..Barbie Girls
March 11th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
When will companies realize that employees who work from home are far more productive than those in cubicles.
BTW, zucchini doesn’t give me diarrhea.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..Where there’s smoke, there’s Heather’s brain at work.
March 11th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
OMG, I totally worked with this guy, except he was a she, and she also burped and farted loudly so that the rest of the cube residents could hear. Gross. I hate cube farms. So glad I don’t work there anymore. Even more glad that the whole division shut down, and no one works there anymore.
kailas last blog post..Beetlejuice in my pocket….
March 11th, 2009 at 9:29 pm
Gawd, you’re such an asshole ; )
wpofds last blog post..[mostly] SMIBs
March 11th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
O.M.F.G…What a FREAK!…Totally reminds me of my cousin
shellys last blog post..HOLY SHIT! I’ve found the Secret Society of Morons!
March 11th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
SO.WRONG.
ok, you need to call the guy he was applying for and give your co-worker the BEST DAMN REFERNCE of his life.
March 12th, 2009 at 12:26 am
Oh my god. My head would explode.
Rachaels last blog post..Favorite Things Swap!
March 12th, 2009 at 10:47 am
that’s funny!
March 12th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Similar situation here, except insert co-worker with boss…who clears her throat with loud ahems 19 times in 30 min. I counted with a few snorts here and there.
She also likes to talk to her 2 year old at day care in the crazy baby talk voice.
Comes in at 10 leaves at 5 takes weird lunches and complains that she never gets work done. and she works part time…
this is my boss!
I think cubes should be outlawed or come with white noise canceling headphones!
alexs last blog post..I am not Steve Buscemi
March 12th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
OMG I totally spit orange juice everywhere after reading Rebeca’s comment. Beej, I’d totally do it. Lime green jello…add some fruit for effect.
Also, you could replace the “T” and “H” on his keyboard. That’s sure enough to drive him batshit. But don’t ask me how I know this…I just heard it somewhere this one time…
March 12th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Do.Not.Miss.Cubicle.Life.One.Bit.
March 12th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
There is a place for this guy and his ilk.
In the southeast corner of Washington state, there is 640 square miles of nuclear reservation where we shut down a town called Hanford in the early 40′s and made many nuclear bombs, fortunately only two of which were used in earnest.
It is one of the scariest places in the world, but not for the threat of radioactive waste leeching into the Columbia River.
It is the gathering place for your cubicle hyena and his brethren and sistern (what the hell is the distaff term for “brethren”?). In the mid-90′s, i saw them first hand and was absolutely scared silly. Some 400 DOE folks and 18,000 civilian contractors.
The Columbia Valley wine country is there also, and that provided an escape, thank god.
The key is to screw with this guy without him knowing it, like “The Sting.” That’s it: have him bet on a sure loser.
March 13th, 2009 at 12:01 am
Hide bits of zucchini in his breakfast taco (wtf is a breakfast taco?). He’s probably lactose intolerant as well. The sickly ones always are. Somehow put milk in his coffee or some such. If this doesn’t work, proceed to phase two: pretend you’re deaf. Explain to him, in depth, what ear candling is and how you’ve got completely blocked up ears and thus can’t hear a damned thing.
Captain Steves last blog post..Damn Circus Midgets
March 13th, 2009 at 1:00 am
this is EXACTLY the reason i brought an ipod and headphones to my old job.
gag.
the planet of janets last blog post..Random acts of blondness, part the eighth
March 13th, 2009 at 9:49 am
hahahahahaha. This is just one of the many reasons why I love you so much!
Melanies last blog post..Part Two
March 14th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
Well, he’s quite the charmer isn’t he? I’d go with Captain Steve’s recommendations if I were you.
Barbaras last blog post..73/365 – I Do Like A Bargain
March 17th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
Love all of the passive-aggressive suggestions, but I’m also not against outright hostility. It seems justified here.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
OMG! That post is a riot! I agree you should mess with him.
Hide all his writing instruments in his cube.
Rearrange his office supplies (stapler, tape disp, etc) after encasing in said jello
Move mouse and mouse pad to opposite side
You get the idea.
Have fun wth it.
January 19th, 2010 at 11:40 pm
I came across your website on google and after reading a couple of your posts, i have decided to add you in my. iGoogle Reader. Thanks and keep up with the great posts. Will be in touch.
September 2nd, 2010 at 2:04 pm
I will never complain about my job again.
This had me cracking up!