Bejewell on July 23rd, 2008

Yesterday Deb over at Bird on a Wire got on my ass about doing a post for her brand-spanking-new blog “carnival” JAMM (which stands for “Just Another Manic Monday,” or something like that). But the theme this week is “Comfort Foods,” and I was all, “But I don’t cook” and she was all “Don’t care, figure it out, beeyotch” and, because I think she could probably kick my ass, I decided I’d better participate.  So here’s the best I could do. I realize that it’s now Wednesday and I’ve totally missed the whole “Monday” part of the concept, but better late than never – right? Enjoy.

(P.S. Did you hear that I won an award?  I only ask because I think it’s Fucking Awesome and I think everyone else should think so, too.)

The Bean’s Recipe for Comfort Food
Cost: $15 or less, plus gas

Time: A LOT. Allow yourself at least one hour for this recipe

Ingredients:

1 automobile
1 small child
1 change of clothes, size of child
2 diapers
1 iPod cord
1 purse
1 wallet
1 set of keys

Directions:

  1. Wrangle child away from weiner dog.
  2. Mix 1 child with 1 clean diaper and 1 change of clothes.
  3. Spend at least five minutes searching house for lost keys.
  4. Find keys in refrigerator.
  5. Wrangle child away from weiner dog again.
  6. Upon picking child up, smell something awful.
  7. Mix child with another clean diaper.
  8. Remove child from house and transfer to automobile.
  9. Spend at least two minutes wrangling squirmy child into car seat.
  10. Realize, after child has been inserted into car seat, that purse is still in house.
  11. For at least two minutes, wrestle with whether you should (a) unfasten child and transfer back into house with you for the 15 seconds it will take to pick up purse, only to have to wrangle child (who does NOT like car seat) back into car seat, or (b) ignore advice of child safety experts and leave child in automobile while you run in to retrieve purse.
  12. Decide to err on the side of safety. Remove child from car seat and automobile and transfer to house.
  13. Retrieve purse.
  14. Wrangle child away from weiner dog.
  15. Transfer everything back to automobile and repeat Step 9 above.
  16. Transfer self, child, purse, and automobile to nearest Chick Fil-A location.
  17. Realize upon pulling into parking lot that wallet is not inside purse, where it should be.
  18. Curse profusely.
  19. Feel guilty for cursing profusely in front of child.
  20. Hand child, who is now becoming bored and fussy, the cord to your iPod to entertain him (because for some reason it fascinates him).
  21. Transfer self, child, purse, and automobile back to house.
  22. For at least two minutes, wrestle with whether you should (a) unfasten child and transfer back into house with you or (b) ignore advice of child safety experts and leave child in automobile while you run in to retrieve wallet.
  23. Decide that the child safety experts can bite you. Park in garage so at least the child will be as close to the house as possible while you run in to retrieve wallet.
  24. Upon opening garage door, watch helplessly as weiner dog escapes from cat door and begins to roam neighborhood freely.
  25. Curse profusely.
  26. Feel guilty for cursing profusely in front of child.
  27. Leave child in running car while you chase weiner dog down the street, waving arms and shouting “Bad dog! Bad dog! Bad dog, goddammit!” and generally looking like a maniac.
  28. Retrieve weiner dog and, breathing heavily, carry into house while child remains unsupervised in running car.
  29. Begin search for wallet. During search, repeat to self, “My child is out of my sight My child is out of my sight My child is out of my sight” while thoughts of someone jumping into car and taking off with child fill your head.
  30. Finally locate wallet in kitchen pantry.
  31. Run full-speed back to car, where child is now screaming.
  32. Hand wallet to child.
  33. Wish for death.
  34. Realize that you are now starving.
  35. Transfer self, child, purse, wallet and automobile back to nearest Chick Fil-A location.
  36. Order #5 chicken nugget meal with fries and a Dr. Pepper. Forget to ask for barbeque sauce.
  37. When drive-thru operator asks you if you want 8, 10 or 12 pieces, become totally confused and have no answer. Finally say “10″ because it’s in the middle.
  38. Proceed to drive-thru window and realize that child has wallet.
  39. Also realize that child has pulled everything out of wallet, including cash and debit card, and thrown it on the floor of automobile.
  40. Spend at least two minutes holding up line while frantically searching floor of back seat for some form of payment.
  41. Develop cramp in neck and upper shoulder from contortionist-style search from front seat.
  42. Become embarrassed when stomach growls so loudly that even the waiting drive-thru operator can hear it. Try to cough to disguise it but then realize that you are making the situation worse.
  43. Finally locate debit card and hand to very patient drive-thru operator.
  44. Receive 10-piece nugget meal, Dr. Pepper, and no barbeque sauce.
  45. Pull out of drive-thru and realize that you forgot to ask for barbeque sauce.
  46. Curse profusely.
  47. Feel guilty for cursing profusely in front of child.
  48. Wish again for death.
  49. Say under breath “Fuck the barbeque sauce” and transfer self, child, purse, wallet, #5 meal, Dr. Pepper, no barbeque sauce, and automobile back to house.
  50. Place child on floor with weiner dog and let them both have at it while you sit alone at dining room table inhaling Chick Fil-A chicken nuggets with no sauce.
  51. Realize that it is time to feed child and you forgot to get a kiddie meal.
  52. Cry.
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30 Responses to “Manic Monday on Wednesday”

  1. OHMAGOD – I’m cryinglaughing.

    Fucking hilarious.

    I’m so glad my misery is amusing to you.

  2. Sounds very comforting..and relaxing…and mellow. What’s your comfort cocktail chaser for this?

    Anything I can get my hands on.

  3. Advice?Keep food in fridge and panty instead of keys/wallet, or at least a bottle of K.C Masterpiece.

    Where were you when I needed you?

  4. LMAO!!!!!

    I can’t even count the number of times this has happened. I’m not sure which is worse…the fact that it’s happened so often or that I don’t cook nearly as often as I should.

    I knew we were kindred souls.

  5. I’m with Auds, all LMAO up in this…blog comment. And especially because it looks to me like threeboys1mommy just advocated keeping barbecue sauce up your hooha :P

    Ha! I didn’t even notice that! That is hilarious!

  6. LOL you’re recipe cracks me up! I’ve totally been there! My youngest is three now and would have freaked if I pulled into an eatery and then backed out to go get money!! Oh no way!

    Worst feeling in the world. That feeling where your stomach just… sinks.

  7. This is absolutely the best recipie I have seen in months. And my idea of comfort food too…….you see I find it comforting if I Don’t have to COOK IT!

    My point EXACTLY.

  8. I did NOT advocate storing BBQ in the hooh…Oh…hum… :( …(blush)…. well where would you recommend she keep it?
    ( spell check, spell check, spell check aaand Submit)

    Tee hee hee.

  9. AFter reading that, I’m going to contact Chick Fil A regarding home delivery. I think I could make a fortune.

    Dude, I SO get a cut of that.

  10. Tears taste good on nuggets too.

    Sadly, I already know that.

  11. That’s simultaneously the saddest and funniest thing I’m likely to read all week. Possibly ever.

    On the up side, at least the weiner dog had fun. :)

    Basically, I made the weiner dog’s day. And I’m glad I could darken/brighten your day!

  12. Now, I admit that I don’t mind cooking and that probably biases me here, but…

    How in heaven’s name is this easier than cooking a piece of chicken? Or even frozen nuggets?

    I mean, this makes me laugh more. But I worry for your sanity. Really, just sling some chicken into a pan. No carseats involved.

    Don’t judge me, Alias Mother. Maybe next time I’ll just feed him some rocks. :)

  13. fuckin awesome.

    all my recipes end with cry.

    Mine, too! it’s like Betty Crocker, but with drama and tears!

  14. This makes me laugh, but it also sort of makes me want to cry. At least you got some dr. Pepper.

    True. The Dr. Pepper really made it all worth it. (Not.)

  15. Adding this to granny’s recipe box…. of PAIN.

    Hilarious.

    You have one of those? Me too!

  16. I’ve used that cookbook before. All the recipes suck. Thanks for the laugh!

    You’re welcome!

  17. Brilliant recipe! Sounds a little complex though. Good thing Chick Fil-A tastes good even without sauce.

    Who says? No good can come from a naked chicken nugget, if you ask me.

  18. Thank gawd for the drive-thru windows! Last night we hit Subway AND Taco Hell, all for one meal. We have diverse tastes, dontcha know!

    And extra big fun with the kiddo in tow. Good times.

    Luckily, the Bean is still too small to request dinner on his own. he eats what I give him. When I remember to feed him, that is.

  19. Enough is enough. You have GOT to quit spying on me.
    :)

    Didn’t you read my BlogHerNot post? I’m an excellent stalker.

  20. I actually have done something very close to this…. sans dog though….. and with two children…… only while in the drive through, reaching for the wallet, my toddler son throws a shoe that bounces off my head and out the open window of my car. My daughter is in the backseat whining (no lie) about food prices…..
    Where is that comfort cocktail chaser?

    It’s really too bad you missed out on the dog part. That part was fun.

  21. okay, i’m old and can’t keep up with the “hooh” stuff, but i’ve never thought of putting BBQ sauce in panties.

    And DO NOT feel (i was going to strike out “fucking” but i’m too old for this fucking HTML shit) guilty about cursing profusely in front of your child. His father was a sailor, his grandfather was a career sailor, his granmother has a pretty incredible vocabulary when she gets wound up, so you and the Bean have it naturally.

    i think we all descended from D.H. Lawrence.

    Papa

    I am aware of all of this. But there’s that whole “Do as I say, not as I do” thing. I’m not sure which grandmother you mean, but in my experience they both (on my side) have pretty serious potty mouths once they get started.

  22. BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! My kids thoughts of my being insane are now solidified as I sit here laughting my ass off!! That is the funniest shit EVER!! OMG LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

    BTW I totally missed JAMM too…I suck.

    JAMM is so much pressure! I want to make Deb happy, but I’m also lazy and I procrastinate! Something’s gotta give.

  23. Who’s Papa? I like his comment.

    And your post.

    No one rocks a recipe like you do, Bejewell.

    Papa is my dad. Don’t encourage him.

  24. Truly hilarious.

    That is my idea of cooking!

    Weeeee!

  25. Even though I’m trying to be super quiet so as to keep the kid asleep just a little bit longer, I totally just busted out laughing. Best. Recipe. Ever.

    And now I want Chick Fil-a. What time in the morning do they open?

    Not sure exactly what time they open, but it is super early because THEY SERVE BREAKFAST TOO. And it is DELICIOUS. But get your fix on Saturday, if you can, because they’re closed on Sunday. Which is ALWAYS when the cravings hit me the worst.

  26. Sorry you had such a bad day but this is, oh so funny! Like you, two lessons I learned the hard way are:
    1. Never give wallet to child.
    2. If you go to a fast food place, always buy a happy meal or it’s equivalent.

    A+ for the Teacher’s Pet!

  27. All of your grandmothers, all seven of them, or however many, have potty mouths when wound up, and even your 91-year old great grandma can let go with a well intended “shit” when she is wound up, even if it embarrasses her a little. It used to be “sssssssh…sugar” in the Old South.
    papa

  28. No but I did have an ex try to install a Lojack up my @ss.

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