Ohmygod, ya’ll, I just won a MAJOR AWARD! Can you believe it?
Well, shit, you don’t have to sound so surprised. Is it really THAT hard to believe, that I might win some kind of award?
Really?
Oh.
Well anyway, I DID win an award. A MAJOR AWARD. And unlike all those lame, stupid awards for self-important dicks floating around the Blogosphere, MY award isn’t based on popularity, or statistics, or design, or even how hot I am (although I AM, people, I totally AM). It’s not the kind of thing you hear about AD NAUSEUM on the interwebs or Twitter or wherever, with people begging for votes and/or blowing a bunch of smoke up the winners’ asses.
No, this is the best award ever, because it’s just based on BEING FUCKING AWESOME in general. There’s no press, no ass kissing, no bullshit involved.
And YOURS TRULY is the big winner!!
It’s called the FUCK THE BLOGGIES AWARD and it’s especially bad ass because it’s created BY the people (ME), FOR the people (also ME).
Isn’t that great? I am absolutely THRILLED! I couldn’t believe it when I got the call! It was early in the morning, and my phone rang, and it was my agent (again, ME), and I just could NOT believe it! I was so HUMBLED! It was SO SURREAL!
It’s really the perfect award – there are no long ceremonies to attend or stupid trophies that I have to act excited to haul around; no long, boring plane rides to exotic locations, no annoying crowds of people admiring me, no pesky autographs to sign.
In fact, I don’t even have to THANK anyone for it because I’m awarding it to MYSELF!
I don’t have to write any obligatory posts about how GRATEFUL I am to be nominated (although, I must say, the other nominees were all just terrific and it was an honor to be mentioned in the same category with all none of them).
I don’t have to pander for votes on Twitter or Facebook or anywhere else. (Although pandering is sort of a specialty of mine, just ask my parole officer. Ba dum bump! See what I did there? I made a joke. Who fucking NEEDS Hugh Jackman, anyway?)
I don’t even have to dress up or put on makeup or anything – I can accept the thing from my bedroom, in my tank top and UT jammie pants (yes, the ones with the hole), face clean, hair messy, bare feet or monkey slippers, whatever. And my tiara. Obviously.
There’s no red carpet to walk down. No paparazzi to pose for, or to dodge later on my way to the after parties.
It’s liberating, really.
So let me just say (cue exit music) THANK YOU to me, for being such a bad ass, and for continuing to blog despite my crappy stats.
And THANK YOU, me, for never letting the fact that I have completely run out of shit to say stop me from making up a bunch of B.S. that either doesn’t make sense or makes perfect sense but totally sucks.
(exit music volume increases)
And THANK YOU to me again, for creating this wonderful award and seeing fit to present it to myself.
(exit music drowning out voice now)
I just can’t tell you what an honor it is or how much it means to me!! See you next year, for FUCK THE BLOGGIES 2010! I’m feeling really good about my chances!
Stumble it!
Tags: bogus awards, fuck the bloggies
March 17th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
I am so fucking jealous I might just have to go create an award of myne own. Too bad I don’t know how. *snort*
derfinas last blog post..Oh, Yes, She DID
March 17th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
i covet your award.
the planet of janets last blog post..My mother, the pole dancer
March 17th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
That is just about the best award I have EVER seen!! Hell yeah!
Amandas last blog post..What to do with the "left over" TV
March 17th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
and you so deserve it.
March 17th, 2009 at 9:26 pm
I’ve been so out of it with the flu that I had no fucking clue there was even anything of noteworthy mention going on in the bloggy world…like the bloggies or whatever the hell it is. But that’s OK ’cause I don’t really pay attention to the Oscars, Frammy’s, or Golden Globetrotters awards either.
So um Beej…dude, where is my invite to the Fuck the Bloggies after-party? I promise I won’t bring Gary Busey as my date. More like Gary Coleman at the rate I’m going.
March 17th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
Here is a non-congratulatory, no-obligation, insincere comment on NOT winning anything of consequence.
LOL?
swirl girls last blog post..Want These?
March 17th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
I think I just pissed myself
March 17th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Do you have to make speeches about Iraq and wear a crown and sash and fall in your stilettos and shit like that?
Bitch.
March 18th, 2009 at 12:41 am
ad nauseam
:}
~Self-important Dick, September 2009
Backpacking Dads last blog post..Family Guy, Maturity, and Conscience
March 18th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Wow, it’s such a honor to have such a prestigious award to be bestowed on you!! I feel more important just by knowing you. Or rather, cyber-knowing you. Barely, since I’m just a commenter, but still. I feel important.
Elisas last blog post..Feel like partying?
March 18th, 2009 at 9:06 am
You didn’t even tell us you were nominated. How’s that for not pandering? You totally deserve it.
Oh and I totally spend time in my bedroom with my monkey slippers and my tiara. Obviously.
kailas last blog post..Meandering Monday
March 18th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Your award is so big! So big and shiny!
foradifferentkindofgirl (fadkog)s last blog post..shall we play a game? version 2.0
March 18th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
It’s a very pretty award Beej! You are the fucking awesomeest.
(If you don’t need Hugh Jackman, I’ll take him.)
Amy @ Milk Breath & Margaritass last blog post..It Starts Out Sweet
March 18th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Well done you for finalising realising just how awesome you are. Great award and you totally deserve it.
Barbaras last blog post..77/365 – Do Not Mess With This Lady
March 19th, 2009 at 8:40 am
You deserve it, not least because your tiara mimics the encrusted cereal on your pajamas. Good job, Beej!
I’m with Auds in that I’m so out of it, I didn’t even know awards were going on. But I wasn’t sick, I just give that little of a shit about blog awards. Doesn’t that mean I deserve my own award, too? The “Really, I could care less about you people but then I’d be dead” blog award? Is that too big to fit on the trophy?
Alias Mothers last blog post..Poverty Party Post: One Step, Two Step, Yay Step, Ew Step*
March 19th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
You deserve this award for bringing to my attention all those other awards out there. Sheesh, I had no idea. What’s with all the damn awards for everything in this life? I guess I’ve been blissfully ignorant in my blog cave gnawing on bones and dragging my knuckles on the rocks.
March 19th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
I want one of those!!!
Melanies last blog post..No, I didn’t de-friend you.
March 19th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
You are truly an inspiration to blog-haters across the world! Newspaper columnists will celebrate your name as the creator of this important award that says SCREW YOU to all those pompous blog-types that think they can circumvent the press and publishing industry. Fuck you very much, Bloggies!!!!
Amy @ The Bitchin’ Wives Clubs last blog post..Thousand Word Thursday: Mommy’s Watching Out For You
March 20th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
From your west-coast mom
Correction: I voted for you (and even refused the kick-back, because, like you, I AM FUCKING AWESOME!)
January 28th, 2010 at 4:28 pm
If the gods do see fit to bestow a ‘major’ (*snicker*) blogging award on you in TEH FUTURES(!), I challenge you to wear your at-home ensemble to the ceremony. If you take me as part of your entourage, I hereby vow to wear my favorite sock monkey slippers that I cannot bear to throw out even though Banjo chewed a hole in the toe of one of them.
March 9th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
You deserve the award