Ohmygod, ya’ll, I just won a MAJOR AWARD! Can you believe it?
Well, shit, you don’t have to sound so surprised. Is it really THAT hard to believe, that I might win some kind of award?
Well anyway, I DID win an award. A MAJOR AWARD. And unlike all those lame, stupid awards for self-important dicks floating around the Blogosphere, MY award isn’t based on popularity, or statistics, or design, or even how hot I am (although I AM, people, I totally AM). It’s not the kind of thing you hear about AD NAUSEUM on the interwebs or Twitter or wherever, with people begging for votes and/or blowing a bunch of smoke up the winners’ asses.
No, this is the best award ever, because it’s just based on BEING FUCKING AWESOME in general. There’s no press, no ass kissing, no bullshit involved.
And YOURS TRULY is the big winner!!
It’s called the FUCK THE BLOGGIES AWARD and it’s especially bad ass because it’s created BY the people (ME), FOR the people (also ME).
Isn’t that great? I am absolutely THRILLED! I couldn’t believe it when I got the call! It was early in the morning, and my phone rang, and it was my agent (again, ME), and I just could NOT believe it! I was so HUMBLED! It was SO SURREAL!
It’s really the perfect award – there are no long ceremonies to attend or stupid trophies that I have to act excited to haul around; no long, boring plane rides to exotic locations, no annoying crowds of people admiring me, no pesky autographs to sign.
In fact, I don’t even have to THANK anyone for it because I’m awarding it to MYSELF!
I don’t have to write any obligatory posts about how GRATEFUL I am to be nominated (although, I must say, the other nominees were all just terrific and it was an honor to be mentioned in the same category with all none of them).
I don’t have to pander for votes on Twitter or Facebook or anywhere else. (Although pandering is sort of a specialty of mine, just ask my parole officer. Ba dum bump! See what I did there? I made a joke. Who fucking NEEDS Hugh Jackman, anyway?)
I don’t even have to dress up or put on makeup or anything – I can accept the thing from my bedroom, in my tank top and UT jammie pants (yes, the ones with the hole), face clean, hair messy, bare feet or monkey slippers, whatever. And my tiara. Obviously.
There’s no red carpet to walk down. No paparazzi to pose for, or to dodge later on my way to the after parties.
It’s liberating, really.
So let me just say (cue exit music) THANK YOU to me, for being such a bad ass, and for continuing to blog despite my crappy stats.
And THANK YOU, me, for never letting the fact that I have completely run out of shit to say stop me from making up a bunch of B.S. that either doesn’t make sense or makes perfect sense but totally sucks.
(exit music volume increases)
And THANK YOU to me again, for creating this wonderful award and seeing fit to present it to myself.
(exit music drowning out voice now)
I just can’t tell you what an honor it is or how much it means to me!! See you next year, for FUCK THE BLOGGIES 2010! I’m feeling really good about my chances!