Laryngitis Can SUCK IT

How come every time I lose my voice because I’m sick, when I complain about it people never sympathize? Instead they always trot out Demi Moore and her super-sexy raspy voice, and try to tell me that I’m FUCKING LUCKY that I have FUCKING LARYNGITIS.

It’s weird, and annoying, and the next person who says it is going to get punched in the nads. 

I am SICK, people. My larnyx is inflamed as the result of the debilitating flu and respiratory illness I’ve been fighting off for almost two weeks. Ain’t nothing sexy about that.

Besides, this is NOT smoky-raspy-sexy-Demi-Moore voice.  This is old-lady-in-a-visor-sitting-at-the-nickel-slots-in-Vegas-chain-smoking-Viriginia-Slim-Menthol-Light-100s voice.  Let’s get real.  Nobody wants to see me in a negligee right now, holding my box of Kleenex in one hand and Vicks VapoRub in the other.

Besides, do you have any idea how hard it is to have a serious conversation with someone when you have crazy-nickel-slot-machine-lady voice?  I can barely get above a whisper, can’t talk to anyone on the phone because they can’t understand me, have considered carrying around a dry erase board to communicate, shit like that.  I asked my doctor for one of those cool tracheal tubes that make your voice all electronic and creepy, but she said no because she’s a bitch.  So then I asked her for a handicapped parking permit but she said no again, because she’s a bitch with a vendetta.  Obviously.

I bet Demi’s doctor would give HER a tracheal tube if she asked.  And SHE probably already HAS a handicap permit, or at least her bodyguard does, or Ashton or somebody.

It’s so fucking unfair.

Not to mention, I’m constantly blowing insane amounts of snot out of my nose and coughing up little pieces of my throat.  I don’t remember Demi doing that in Ghost or Indecent Proposal or even that shit sandwich Striptease. 

Side note:  I knew I wanted to call one of Demi’s movies a “shit sandwich” here, because it’s a line from one of my very favorite movies in the whole world ever made (and if you know which one, I automatically like you).  But I wasn’t sure which one of her movies to trash, so I went to her IMDB page and was truly SHOCKED at the number of awful movies she’s made over the years that could qualify as total shit sandwiches.  I’d actually guess that there were more shit sandwiches in her bio than NON-shit sandwiches. 

It’s really a good thing she’s so hot.  For her, anyway.  For me it makes no difference that she’s so hot.  Except that it pisses me off a little. 

Anyway, the worst part of this lame-ass Laryngitis business isn’t being un-Demi-like or old-lady-nickel-slotty or even snot-ridden and gross, if you can believe it.  Nope, those are all small potatoes compared to this one horrible, agonizing, devastating fact:

I have been rendered unable to YELL at the people who piss me off. 

It’s not that I spend all my days yelling at people or anything, but to suddenly not have the option is exceptionally frustrating.  I just want to yell all the time these past few days… I’m thinking it’s probably because I can’t, but who knows?  Maybe not.  MAYBE my yelling at people who piss me off is actually serving a larger purpose.  MAYBE all the shit that keeps pissing me off really IS just as fucked up as I believe it is, and these crazy people around me really NEED to be yelled at, to keep some kind of balance in the world between good and evil.  And now I can’t do my part to maintain that balance because this fucking stupid bitch Laryngitis has me by the throat. 

All I can do is wave my arms a lot and cry, both of which are totally ineffective and kind of make me look like a pussy.  

So the crazy dick-ish people are all just running amok, unchecked, drunk with the power of knowing that I can’t yell at them to STOP BEING SUCH DICKS. 

How am I supposed to save the world from all the assholes if I have no voice?  It’s like having both hands tied behind my back.  (And I don’t mean in the kinky good way.)

How did Superman feel when confronted with kryptonite?  How would Spiderman feel if he suddenly found himself de-webbed?  You get the picture.  My superhero yelling ability has been snipped. Laryngitis is my own personal Lex Luthor, except more debilitating and less inept.

So if (or should I say when?) the world goes to hell in a handbasket (which, hey, I really don’t know what that expression means AT ALL. What IS a handbasket, anyway?) you can thank that fucking evil fuckwad Laryngitis for taking me and my awesome yelling ability out of the equation.

So fuckyouveryverymuch, Laryngitis, you dirtydirty whore.  Shrivel up and DIE you stupid BITCH.

I want my superhero-yelling-at-stupid-bitches life back!!!

MEH

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Tags: demi moore movies suck, fucking laryngitis