So the Holiday Sweater Lady just came by and I SWEAR TO GOD, YA’LL, she just invited me to a sex toy party. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in this crazy office.
Apparently Holiday Sweater Lady has gotten herself involved with some company that organizes the sex toy version of Tupperware parties, which I find disturbing on many levels but not the least of which is the fact that THIS WOMAN WEARS HOLIDAY THEMED SWEATERS and is easily in her 60s. I’m not saying that either of those things precludes her from having sex or even using toys while she does so – more power to her if that’s her kind of thing, you know? — but it DOES mean that I don’t want to know about it or think about it or have any kind of mental image of it burned into my brain to remain forever like that time I saw that kitten get run over on the highway.
She came over to my desk in her fuzzy yellow sweater, purple capris, clogs with socks, and huge orange ball earrings (and I am NOT making that outfit up) and innocently handed me this invitation:
And I was all, “What the fuck is this?” and she was all, “It’s an invitation to my sex toy party” and I was all, “Please tell me this is a joke” and she got defensive and was all, “You know these parties can be a lot of fun, we all sit around and play games and chat about what *WORKS* and what doesn’t, and a lot of people from work are coming, you could really LEARN A LOT” and I was confused, grossed out and offended all at the same time, then I retched a little and I was all, “The very last thing in the WORLD I want to do is sit around with a bunch of women I work with who are all old enough to be my mother while they discuss their preference in sex toys” and she was all, “I didn’t say it was JUST women” and then I looked around and saw the old pornstache guy standing at the copier and I swear I threw up right there in my mouth.
And now I can’t shake this picture in my head of me sitting on the Holiday Sweater Lady’s couch, looking like a deer in headlights squished between Pornstache and Unusually-Short-White-Headed-Pipe-Smoker-Guy, with the Lunchtime Knitting Ladies passing around dildos and crab cakes, and the hostess (in a sweater designed especially for the occasion) chatting it up with Butch Motorcycle Lady about cats o’nine tails and lubricants. It actually brings tears to my eyes, and I don’t mean the good, happy kind, or even the sad kind but more the MY EYES ARE BURNING THEY ARE ON FIRE OH GOD MY EYES ARE BURNING variety.
And then she said “If this one is a success I’m going to have a guy at the next one who gives lessons on giving the perfect blow job” and that, my friends, is when my head exploded and covered the entire office and the fuzzy yellow sweater in little clumps and bits of bloody brain matter.
I haven’t RSVP’ed yet.
Stumble it!
May 15th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
“….and a lot of people from work are coming, you could really LEARN A LOT”
That statement right there would almost assure me of RSVP’ing in the negative. No way in hell would I want to LEARN those kinda things about the people in adjacent cubicles. Nope. No way. No how.
Auds at Barking Mads last blog post..15 Days Wasted
May 15th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Um . . . no thanks. Not that there’s anything wrong with it . . .
tysdaddys last blog post..Golly
May 15th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Maybe you should go. I mean, think of it as research you could use for future blog/novel material. Plus, maybe it would be like watching Jerry Springer or something. Your own life always seems pretty damn good after seeing stuff like that.
May 15th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Ohh you soooooo have to go. That would be one hell of a party to just sit back and observe. You HAVE to go.
Weird…absolutely
More info than will ever want to know…..absolutely
This is a party not to be missed. Tourture and all.
Amandas last blog post..The storm that wasn’t…..
May 15th, 2009 at 7:56 pm
Please go to the party just to see if whe wears a sweater with an appliqued penis on the front. Tears and pee are both shooting out of me right now. I freaking love holiday sweater lady.
blissfully caffeinateds last blog post..OMG! It’s a totally rad prom flashback extravaganza!
May 15th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Wow! You write gooood for someone whose brains splattered all over the place. And now my own brains are about the explode all over the place because I was picturing this happening to me the last time I actually worked around people who aren’t perpetually pissing their own pants. THANKYOUVERYLITTLE! KA-SPLOW!!!!
Jills last blog post..Friday Funday
May 15th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
Hysterical! You work with a bunch of loons!
May 15th, 2009 at 8:45 pm
She’s obviously a closet sex freak. Hey, that seriously isn’t as bad as attending one of those things with your MOTHER and being publicly humiliated while she fondles and overly gropes everything within her chubby fingers reach while proclaiming which ones she is going to be purchasing. there is almost no reason to go out into public or attend another family function after that.
BTW, those orange ball earrings…not really earrings at all if you catch my drift. If you don’t catch my drift then you obviously need to attend a sex party.
So Not Mom-a-liciouss last blog post..Game On…with myself of course
May 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
It’s like you don’t even care about us with this whole “No way I’m going” bullshit. Dood, how can you NOT go and live-tweet that shit? I mean, if you love us AT ALL, your duty is fucking clear here, soldier.
May 15th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Holy Shit! You have to go just to see the train wreck of it all and then blog about it. Oh yeah, Mom-a-licious, I went to one of those thing shosted by my SIL which means my MIL was there and she told everyone that my step-FIL has a really long tongue. WTF?!?
Shannons last blog post..Picks of the Week
May 15th, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Dude! A flier for one of these parties just showed up in our breakroom at work. I’ve been to one before, but never with work people. That just screams awkward.
Captain Steves last blog post..A Wee Banditos
May 16th, 2009 at 1:24 am
What you didn’t RSVP? Come Ooooon?!
Carissas last blog post..Ma Ma Ma MY Sedona!
May 16th, 2009 at 7:04 am
I puked in my mouth a little just thinking about the people I used to work with sex toy party or not! I say skip it…I know there’s some good comedy there but can you handle it?
Peggys last blog post..Prom-A-Palooza
May 16th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I know it’s not the same, but I once was invited to a weekend long, campout, swimfest thingie out in the boondocks with people very much like the sweater lady, the porn stache and their ilk. I would have been one of the token young ‘uns there. I just couldn’t say yes to that, despite all the “material” I may collect from the experience. There are boundaries and lines. Getting near-naked, camping, and sex-toy parties are things I DO NOT do with co-workers.
MomZombies last blog post..Meow
May 17th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
If you went, you could definitely get some juicy gossip that you could use to bribe and scheme your way to the top of the career ladder. I say go for it. Just try to stay away from pornstache.
Razs last blog post..The End of An Era
May 17th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I’m with Steph – how can you say you love us and NOT GO?!?!
I believe the phrase, beej, is “take one for the team.” Sorry, but you simply MUST go, and surreptitiously take a picture of the penis sweater (blissfully’s dead on with that – there has to be a penis sweater.)
I swear if you go, I will buy all your drinks at BlogHer.
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Palimpsest
May 18th, 2009 at 1:06 am
If you go…make sure your drunk before you get there..Just a tip.
shellys last blog post..NO REST FOR THE WICKED
May 18th, 2009 at 9:01 am
nooooo… you HAVE to go. it would lead to the best blog post EVER.
the planet of janets last blog post..Different
May 18th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
If you loved us, your devoted readers, you would take one for the team and go.
Uh, no pun intended.
In the Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..I Have the Blog Blahs
May 19th, 2009 at 9:44 am
I could never go. I don’t even think I could read about you going. Just reading this post I died 107 times over. I am that much of a prude.
My brain wouldn’t even be able to work if this was proposed to me. I would sit there, stunned and blinking, until an ambulance was called and I had to be defibrillated back to reality. Just…no.
It is a mystery to me why anyone would want to talk about their sex life ever. Let alone at a party with coworkers.
Have I made my feelings sufficiently clear on this?
Alias Mothers last blog post..Probably the most chick thing I’ve ever done
May 19th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
Oh Dear God. I had a holiday sweater lady in my office and if that had happened…I would have had to quit.
May 20th, 2009 at 4:51 pm
I went to one of these parties, though I admit not in holiday attire. Nor were there any grandmothers present. We were all friends around the same age so it was fun and not weird at all. Sex toy parties with grandmas? That would be weird. And I hope you enjoy all the grandma porn google hits you’ll get now.
Heather, Queen of Shake Shakes last blog post..I interrupt my own life to bring you this unimportant mom blogger moment
May 24th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
You do know you have to go just so you can blog about it.
November 28th, 2009 at 12:24 am
great post. good read
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