Know what’s awesome?
Running on the treadmill at the gym after you’ve been doing it for a while, and seeing how much you’ve improved, and feeling that out-of-shape lady on the machine next to you (who is now where you were six months ago) looking sideways to get a peek at your treadmill stats, and just KNOWING in your gut that she is SO JEALOUS of your 9-minute mile. Which makes you run a little harder, and bounce a little higher, and feel a little better about yourself while you repeat in your head, “Nanny nanny boo boo ha ha ha ha ha ha” to the beat of the song playing on your iPod.
Know what’s NOT so awesome?
Getting just a *little* too cocky about your athletic prowess and feeling just a *little* too sure of how much better you are than the nice lady next to you, and showing off with a bounce in your step *just* high enough that your arm catches on your headphone cord, which then rips the headphones from your head, yanks the iPod from its rightful place on the treadmill-stuff tray, sends it flying onto the treadmill belt and then hurling to the floor behind you. And trying to catch it, only to ALSO topple your sunglasses, keys, phone, and towel — all of which now follow the same path between your legs that the iPod took just moments before. And run-step-hopping over them as they soar behind you.
Know what’s REALLY NOT awesome?
Pressing the emergency STOP button on the treadmill so you can disembark to recover your stuff but not realizing that it’s still moving *slightly* too fast as you turn around… then feeling your feet treadmill right out from under you, knocking you flat on your ass and sending you a-zoom-a-zing right to the floor, as your arms flail helplessly above you.
Know what’s REALLY, SERIOUSLY, NOT awesome at all?
That weird retching noise you ALWAYS seem to make when you do stupid shit like this, which rings out like a freaking train whistle as you awkwardly grope for your stuff, and maybe a few shreds of your dignity, from the dirty gym floor.
Know what can make you want to stab yourself in the face?
The look you get from the out-of-shape lady on the treadmill next to you (the one you sat in judgment of, mere moments ago) as she asks if you’re all right from her perch above. The look that’s one part genuine concern for your well-being, two parts trying not to laugh, and at least four parts smug satisfaction. The look you know you totally deserve for being such an arrogant, judgmental bitch a few minutes ago while you were still upright.
Know what can make you want to go home and cut yourself like a depressed, pseudo-goth, teenaged Angelina Jolie?
Picking yourself (and your wounded pride) up and climbing back onto the treadmill to resume your workout, determined to regain some semblance of self-respect, pressing the “start” button and upping the speed to something totally unreasonable in an effort to sweat the utter humiliation out of your pores. Then waiting for the belt to really start moving beneath you, wondering why you’re not speeding up (and also, what IS that strange rawrh-rawrh-rawrrrhh noise?), and finally looking down to see that you forgot to pick up your towel, which has somehow become lodged in the belt and wound itself around the revolving mechanism — slowing the treadmill to a barely-moving speed – and also? Breaking the goddamned motherfucking $3,000 machine.
Know what can send you into a tailspin of mortified shame the likes of which you have never known? (Or at least, not since a couple of weeks ago when you walked through the office with your skirt tucked into your underwear)
Having to dismount AGAIN and feeling the out-of-shape lady’s laughing eyes on your back as you limp to the gym’s front desk (did I mention that you also twisted your ankle when you took such graceful flight off the treadmill belt?), where of course (OF COURSE) only the super-hot personal trainer guy is working, and confessing to said super-hot personal trainer guy that you are a fucking idiot and have broken the very-nice-very-expensive machine. Then sheepishly following him back to the treadmill and watching uselessly as he tugs and jerks and finally wrenches your sweaty smelly workout towel from its twisted trap, and pretending not to notice his extremely annoyed look as he tries to get the treadmill to operate again only to announce that it is definitely broken now.
And THEN standing there limply with absolutely no clue what to do while he leaves to make a sign — a sign that might as well have your picture attached with the message BEJEWELL, THE COCKY, JUDGMENTAL BITCH WHO THINKS SHE’S BETTER THAN YOU, BROKE THIS VERY-NICE-VERY-EXPENSIVE MACHINE BECAUSE SHE IS ACTUALLY JUST A FUCKING IDIOT.
And THEN, with no more damage left to be done to either the gym equipment OR your ego, gathering what’s left of your belongings (including the sad remains of your now-shredded workout towel) and pretending (again) not to notice the look from the out-of-shape lady that clearly says “I may be out of shape but at least I’m not a FUCKING MORON,” or the look from the super-hot personal trainer guy that clearly says “You have created more work for me, you FUCKING MORON,” as you do the limpy broken-treadmill-fucking-moron version of the Walk of Shame past them to a world beyond the gym, where plenty more ways in which you are SURE to humiliate yourself await you.
Know what’s the icing on the fucking cake?
Tripping on your way out the door and dropping all of your shit. Again.
Know what the morals of this story are?
(1) Karma and the treadmill are a very dangerous combination.
(2) Anytime you do anything to humiliate yourself, a super-hot guy will ALWAYS be present.
(3) Always keep an eye on your towel at the gym. Or better yet, just use your shirt.
(4) Out-of-shape ladies on treadmills can say more with their eyes than you ever thought possible.
(5) You are NEVER as hot as you think you are.
Stumble it!
Tags: karma continues to hate me, the treadmill hates me now too
June 5th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
omg omg omg
I am ROLLING. I’m so sorry. so so so sorry… but, 9 minute mile. you go girl!
rachel-asouthernfairytales last blog post..Cupcakes Baked in Ice Cream Cones
June 5th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
I have been there. But as the out of shape girl who is just as uncoordinated. on a bike. a recumbent bike. uncoordinated on a recumbent bike. where my foot slide off the pedal, knee hitting my water bottle, knocking it all over my shirt. Then my knee, ricocheted off the water bottle and hit me in the chin as I tried to lean over and grab the water bottle as it was falling.
I am familiar with Karma and gym equipment.
Corina – Down to Earth Mamas last blog post..I don’t know if I should be proud or run the other direction
June 5th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
OMG, this same thing happened to me when I first joined a new gym, up to the point of the iPod jet propelling into the elliptical machines behind me. I have learned never to even sneak a peek at the stats of the person next to me. Instant bad karma. Instant.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Yeah, pretty much the worst thing ever.
Except for when you do it EVERY time you go to the gym. Without fail.
I wouldn’t know a thing about that…nope.
June 5th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
OMFG – I am crying I am laughing so hard. That is the funnies effing thing I’ve heard all week. Sorry but thanks!
June 5th, 2009 at 10:06 pm
You know what’s awesome?
This. Post.
And a nine minute mile.
from an equally spazzy woman who huffed her newly gained five pounds around the neighborhood at a brisk 12 min mile this afternoon…
Anns last blog post..Free Association Friday: Marinka
June 5th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
This is hysterical! And all those morals are totally true and I’m very extremely sorry that I know that.
amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..You Have GOT to be Kidding Me
June 5th, 2009 at 11:57 pm
I think I’ll avoid the gym and just run around the block carefully and try to land on soft grass should I lose my footing. You are a cautionary tale.
Pop and Ices last blog post..Wooed and Wowed
June 6th, 2009 at 6:29 am
…ok wait…need to compose myself..still laughing. With tears!
Thank you so much for #ff’ing yourself (sorry, I know that just sounds rude) because I would otherwise not have read that and it’s the funniest thing I’ve read all day. No, all week. I’m laughing WITH you though. Seriously.
I’m one of those out-of-shape-girls. I’m 3 days in at the gym. I haven’t been to one in eons. Being at the fat end of a fitness journey sucks, but that story will make me go back to that torture chamber today and maybe even on Monday.
June 6th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Okay, I’m laughing so freaking hard that I can’t even remember why I was so miserable 10 minutes ago.
Thanks for that
I knew treadmills were evil.
Kays last blog post..Dear Diary…
June 6th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
this happens to me all the time….yeah, right. LOL!
swirl girls last blog post..Phriday Photo Phiesta
June 6th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
Ha. Sorry. Yay for the 9 minute mile.
Zandors last blog post..Im kind of over my dad.
June 6th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
THIS is why we have a treadmill in our house…
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Senary
June 6th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
love it! That is why I cancelled my gym membership…that and the $50 a month to sporadically go there…
Shannons last blog post..Hole-y Moley!
June 7th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
At least you didn’t fart.
Laural Out Louds last blog post..18 Hours Straight At The Casino
June 8th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Won’t people just LEARN. THE GYM IS DANGEROUS. Why on earth would I enter voluntarily into a situation engineered to shame me?
Although I know what you mean. I go to a dance class and I’ve now got to the point where I’m flexible enough to do some of the stretches properly rather than groaning and gurning my way to touch my shins. I was lording it over the girls who are a bit newer and nearly lost my balance holding onto my own ankle. Not a good look.
Razs last blog post..Big Brother 2009
June 8th, 2009 at 9:28 am
This is why gyms and, more specifically, treadmills, are of the devil and why I prefer hiking. I still make an ass of myself when I trip over nothing and bounce 20 feet down a mountain, but very rarely is there anyone around to see it. Besides my dog, that is, who can give some excellent “You are such a MORON” looks of her own.
And it’s hard to break a mountain. Not that I haven’t tried.
Alias Mothers last blog post..I think this is known as a PLOT TWIST
June 8th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
HAHAHAHA. Oh god.
Georgettes last blog post..This post doesn’t make sense. It’s just me being a fucker.
June 9th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Oh no, no, no. This hurt to read, but oh so funny.
tinsenpups last blog post..Little Thought
June 9th, 2009 at 11:49 am
I’m sorry I am laughing at your pain.
I could see myself doing something like that, except I feel like I would somehow work in hitting my head on something.
Rachaels last blog post..Hometown Swap!
June 9th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
I feel your pain. This is my deepest fear. I still run on the treadmill (what else will I do in the middle of a MI winter?), but it scares me. Running outside, like I did today, is way more fun and less dangerous. I’m telling you, cars and cracked pavement are easy peasy compared to the treadmill’s threats!
MommyTimes last blog post..Perfect Fried Chicken
June 10th, 2009 at 2:06 pm
I am the stupid moron who got thrown not only from the treadmill in a whirling swirling crash but then i got off the treadmill. I decided the eliptical (lip tickle) machine would be safer as did Sven the trainer, only to be dumped moments later in a crumpled heap behind the machine with Sven standing there in his Swedish God-likeness shaking his head trying not to wet himself laughing. Yes dear there are worse things I just can’t tell you what they are right now.
Gladyss last blog post..Ms. Gwen’s Girls
June 10th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
OUCH! Lord. how embarrassing for you! How funny for us!
I never compare myself to the other treadmillers because I am too poor to belong to a gym so I belong to the Y instead and the only people who are there when i am there are the elderly ones. And usually they are either a) faster than me or b) so old that their efforts far outweigh anything else.
~ms last blog post..Mission Impossible: Clear-the-Fridge Update
June 11th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
You’re hilarious. That is a great story, keep em coming!
Fidgeting Gidgets last blog post..It’s a sign of the times…
June 16th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Fucking treadmills.
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..I’m Really Phoning It In Today With This One…
July 10th, 2009 at 10:54 am
HAHA. No, sorry, not laughing. It’ll come back to bite me on the treadmill. (Which, uh, I should be on RIGHT NOW. And I’m not… cough)