Bejewell on June 11th, 2009

So here’s the deal, folks.  The Big Bean and I are packing up ourselves and the Little Bean tonight for a long weekend trip to glorious Albuquerque to see the Big Bean’s grandfather, who’s turning 150 or something.  Personally, I’d rather be set on fire than spend a weekend chasing the Bean around Albuquerque, but them’s the breaks. 

(And I’m sorry to those of you who just LOVE Albuquerque, if you were offended by that last statement.  I know it’s not fair to make judgments about a place I’ve never been, but I HAVE seen it on TV and it looks really dusty.  And also, Albuquerque is really hard to spell and that pisses me off.  Where did the old settler people get off naming places things that NOBODY can spell?  I think they did it just to fuck with our heads, and in my case that strategy has worked very well.)

(And don’t give me that But-It’s-Native-American bullshit.  We obviously didn’t give a fuck about the Native Americans or they’d be ruling the country today and we’d all be living in teepees and riding horses and skinning buffalo and shit.  And all the places in America would be called something fucked up like Albuquerque.  Or Cincinnati.  Which I ALSO cannot spell, and which ALSO pisses me off.) 

In the meantime, I realize I haven’t posted anything in a while, and my big plan was to write another brilliant, thought-provoking, award-winning post today before beginning the insanity of laundry, packing, about 14 lectures from the Big Bean about how WE NEED TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE BY SIX.  I’M NOT KIDDING, BEEJ. SIX. AS IN SIX A.M. and then facing the realization that all the shit I’ve put off doing this week actually DOES have to be done before we leave and HOLY BITCHBALLS I’m going to be up until 4 in the morning and I have to be up and ready to go by SIX or the Big Bean will either have a heart attack or stab me in the face, and What the Hell Is WRONG With Me, WHY didn’t I do all of this last night instead of lying in bed watching So You Think You Can Dance and eating Little Debbie Nigerian yellow cakes?

Fucking fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

So anyway, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t have jack shit for a blog post. 

I started to write one anyway because, let’s face it, not having shit to say has never stopped me before, but the end result was so bad that even I wouldn’t publish it – and if you don’t understand how seriously bad that must be, I would encourage you to take a few minutes perusing the rest of this blog. 

Go ahead, I’ll wait.

See?

So what was my point again?  Oh yeah, I don’t have jack shit for a blog post.  I mean really.  I-GOT-NUTHIN.  Nothing interesting has happened lately, at least, nothing blog-worthy.  No sex toy parties, no sunburn, no lost Loraxes, no rogue bicycle attacks, no embarrassing treadmill injuries, no gross vagina diseases, no mystery desk boogers… it’s not even Free Gift Day at the Clinique counter

See what I’m saying?  Jack. Shit.

I’m not even pissed off at anyone right now, except those old-fart settlers who named Albuquerque Albuquerque.  (I mean really, just LOOK at it.  I swear it’s mocking me, with all of its stupid q’s and u’s.) 

And again, if you need to understand the significance of that statement, take a lap around the rest of this blog.  You’ll find that I spend MOST of my time  pissed off  at someone.  Often multiple someones.  And sometimes I even have good reason

Usually at this point I would just fall back on that old tried-and-true strategy of exploiting my child to serve my own selfish needs, and post some awesome pictures of my INCREDIBLY  FUCKING  GORGEOUS  SON, but I don’t even have any of THOSE right now because I haven’t taken any lately because I’ve been so crazy-busy with Little Debbie and So You Think You Can Dance and trying to figure out how to spell Albuquerque.

(Also, I  am  a  terrible  mother.  But you knew that.  Or at least, the bitch who emailed me after my post about Baked Cheetos, accusing me of being a godless heathen, knew it.)

(Quick note to that lady, by the way:  You were totally right about that.  I am ABSOLUTELY going to hell, and I hate the Christians, especially YOU, and I sacrifice animals and worship the devil at night in between Little Debbie snacks and So You Think You Can Dance.  Also?  Fuck off.)

So basically the points of this non-post are as follows: 

  1. I don’t have to actually GO to Albuquerque to know I don’t like it.
  2. If we hadn’t fucked over the Native Americans, there would be no such thing as global warming, which would be awesome, but also nobody would be able to spell the names of any places, which would suck. 
  3. Do you think that if Native Americans ran the government they would carry out the death penalty by scalping people instead of lethal injections?  Because part of me thinks that would be fucking AWESOME.  (NOT the scalp part of me, though.)
  4. Nigel Lithgow from So You Think You Can Dance looks like a scary carnival clown.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that in this post but I was thinking it.
  5. I don’t have time to pack, but I somehow found the time to add all of those links up there, so clearly, I am both a procrastinator AND a liar.
  6. I am going to hell.
  7. And by hell, I mean Albuquerque. 

beej

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13 Responses to “Hello, Jack. Meet Shit.”

  1. Beej – OMG. This post is mind blowing dude.

    I loved the Baked Cheeto post and I’m a conservative Christian and I’m SO not even kidding.

    And you are not going to hell. You can tell the lady that I’m praying for you & having a sense of humor (because Christians can so totally have one), instead of sending you judgy emails, and the power of that positive witness + prayer = you go to heaven, like it or not.

    (I haven’t actually really been praying for you. But I can start!)

    amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..Put Me In Charge Of Your Mommy TV Ad

  2. OH AND – I’ve had to look up spelling for Shenandoah 5 effing times this week. SO not even kidding.

    amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..Put Me In Charge Of Your Mommy TV Ad

  3. I like the name Altoona. Because you couldn’t possibly say you were from Altoona without giggling. It is just a ridiculous name for a city.

    Michelle Smiless last blog post..Gearing up

  4. I’m sitting here pondering how many sources you used to check the spelling of Albuquerque because wouldn’t it suck to use it that many times in vain and spell it wrong?

    But maybe that’s just what I would do.

    Alias Mothers last blog post..Bless my heart, I’ll tell you how

  5. You write the absolute BEST non-posts! Have fun in Hell . . .

    tysdaddys last blog post..Magic

  6. Albooquirkee is where your mother and i brought our first child into the family: Snooks of Joy, aka Snooks, the Olde English sheepdog.

    Your aunt lived there for a while and ate venison, which neither your mother nor i liked very much.

    She divorced her goofy husband who still lives there i think.

    Come to think of it, i don’t like it very much either.

    But Tahost, now that’s now bad.

    Neither is Santa Fay.

  7. Reminds me of my favorite Partridge family song….”point me in the direction of Albuquerque” remember that one??? I think it’s from the episode where they got stranded in some ghost town and locked in the jail and maybe CHris and Tracy got lost in the desert and Danny crafted a shiv out of an old can o’ beans and….

    swirl girls last blog post..Phriday Photo Phiesta

  8. You sure link a lot for an exhausted person.

    ;)

  9. Oh my God on the Albuquerque.

    I said it 65 times in my head real fast and it’s like a rave.

    Not even kidding.

    Also, I love Native Americans. It makes me sad that we fucked them over.

    San Diego Mommas last blog post..I’m So Metaphorically Cheap

  10. I read this post the other day and then randomly ended up driving through Albuquerque on my way from Mesa to DC yesterday and I thought holy smack! Bejewell is here somewhere. Hope it wasn’t too awful.

    nandangos last blog post..Dusting Off the ‘Ol VCR

  11. he he he

    I have one word for you.

    Wooloomooloo.

    Seriously. It is in Australia.

    Kelley @ Magnetoboldtoos last blog post..Letter to my eldest child

  12. Cindi Beanblossom
    June 18th, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    i accidentially stumbled across you, while i was googling….i just want to tell you, you write the funniest stuff i have ever read!!! keep it up….too funny….

  13. You got Cincinnati right. Just so’s you know.

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