Okay, so you all know (or maybe you don’t, or maybe you do but don’t care, or maybe you do, and you care, but you were really hoping I’d let it go this time, or maybe you really REALLY don’t care and right now you want to stab my eyes out with a rusty fork because EVERY YEAR I come back to this same bullshit and you’re SO FUCKING OVER IT, would I just shut the hell up, already? and believe me, I wish I could) that I have a kind of love/hate relationship with BlogHer. And by BlogHer, I don’t mean the site, it’s a great site and especially lovely when it features something I’ve written (which has never actually happened but I will continue to kiss their asses until it does) or when another whopping $20 is deposited into my PayPal account because of all you amazinglywonderfultotallyunselfish readers who took the time to click on those ads over there. (All two of you.)
No, by BlogHer, I mean the conference. THE Conference. The Conference that happens every year. The Conference that, this year, is being held in the ONE CITY I’ve always wanted to visit. The Conference that I PROMISED myself I wouldn’t miss this year, because last year I got so weird and high-schooly loser-ish about missing it, which apparently was something a lot of other people were feeling too because I wrote this post and it went global in like five minutes and got more than 100 comments which for me is like, not even a real number.
THAT Conference.
So am I going this year as planned? FUCK NO. It sold out in ten minutes flat or something, and even if it hadn’t, I’m broke. Broke as a joke. Not a funnyhaha joke, but a reallyveryNOTfunnyatall joke. The kind of joke that the asshole at the party tells — you know, that guy with the beer belly and the super unruly eyebrows who’s at least ten years older than everybody else and tries WAY TOO HARD to entertain everyone but just comes off as loud and creepy and douche-baggy instead.
THAT kind of joke.
So between the sold-out thing and the douche-baggy joke of me being fundagely-challenged (ahhhh ha ha ha ha ha!), no, I’m not going.
And now here they all go, all the people who ARE going to The Conference, with their blog posts and Twitter messages and Facebook updates about The Conference, all the What will I wear?s and the Who will I hang out with?s and the What fabulous parties will I get drunk at?s and more What will I wear?s. And if I WAS going, I’d be right there with them, happily tapping out one Twitter tweet and Facebook update after another: “Just need to lose five more pounds before BLOGHER!” “Bought the most fabulous pair of shoes for BLOGHER! (accompanied by picture for review)“ “I want to make out with everyone at BLOGHER!” “Chicago, here I come! Look out, BLOGHER! (throwing pillbox hat into the air and spinning around)“.
DAMN YOU, BlogHer – you and all your fabulous writers and fabulous parties and general Chicago fabulousness. I HATE YOU! But I love you. But I hate you. But I love you. And you’re my sister. And you’re my mother. And you’re my sister. And you’re my mother. (Chinatown reference, people. Don’t make me explain it. See the movie.)
So I’m sitting here feeling all sorry for myself and pimply-teenager-angsty (again) and hating all the bitches who actually GET to go to The Conference (again) and reading about the amazing featured bloggers and wondering what wrong turn I took to NOT be one of them (again) and hating my sad, sorry, broke-ass life (again) when suddenly, it hits me.
AN IDEA.
(Yes, I DO have them occasionally. And sometimes they don’t even suck.)
What I need is a SURROGATE. No, wait — a BlogHerrogate. Someone who IS going to The Conference. Someone who will take my business cards (which I SWEAR I’m going to make someday, I really am) and a cardboard cutout of me (which I’m actually surprised I don’t already own) with them to The Conference. Someone who will say, upon meeting anyone new, “Hi! I’m so-and-so! And (holding up cardboard cutout) this is my friend Beej — She says hi, too! Here’s her card so you can remember her and visit her blog every day and leave her lots of comments!” And my cardboard self will smile and wave and my business card will be pocketed and my blog will be remembered.
My BlogHerrogate will make sure I go to all the seminars, and raise my hand to nervously ask stupid questions, and tweet about how gorgeous everyone is in person, and stalk the bloggers I love to read, and force my famously awkward hugs upon people I don’t know, and get me drunk at the People’s Party, and make a complete ass out of me at the MamaPop thing.
I truly think this is a brilliant idea. And I’m not biased at all. It’s going to catch on like wildfire, too. Everyone there will see how awesome it is and want a BlogHerrogate of their very own. There’ll be BlogHerrogates all OVER this shindig next year. Mark my words. Eventually they’ll start their own union, or something.
So who’s up for it? Come on, people, don’t be shy. You know you want to.
Now where does one get a cardboard cutout replica of oneself? I’m betting at least one of you knows, you sick bastards.
Stumble it!
June 18th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
fine, I’ll do it. But I’m not hugging anyone. And hand jobs are extra.
Marinkas last blog post..If You See Me At BlogHer
June 18th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I’m not going either. We’re having a Nashville blogger party though right here and you are welcome to come to that!
amy @ milk breath and margaritass last blog post..Shark Bites – Typical Boy
June 18th, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Shit, forget BlogHer. I’m throwing my own party! The Cheek of God Super Duper Fantastorific Fuck BlogHer Staying Away party! Send along your cards; we need the paper to help light the campfire . . .
tysdaddys last blog post..Scream Into the Silence
June 18th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Okay.
I went and read the last post. I did not read 100 comments but I bet they all say “I love your blog and I relate”
Guess what, Beej? I love your blog and I relate.
I want to say that I wish to hell you were coming so we could meet and try to figure out how to cut straight to the cracking up and toss aside all the bizarre discomforts of “real life”
but that would just be another comment about The Vagina Blogologues that you can’t attend.
So fuck it.
Anns last blog post..The Toddlerazzi
June 18th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
I HAD TO FIND THIS OUT FROM YOUR BLOG?!?
Sniff, sniff, SOB. I thought you LIKED me enough to tell me in person, er, email…?
WaltzInExiles last blog post..Liveblogging: Goat-free Hour #106
June 18th, 2009 at 7:35 pm
OK… I think I might have had enough wine tonight to actually be up for this nonsense. Call me in the morning to see how I fare in the morning/sober light! Think of all the attention I would get!!!
Jills last blog post..From the crazy files…
June 18th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
If I were going to BlogHer AND you were going to BlogHer, we’d totally hang out. Because I’d be that angsty girl in the corner, slowly sipping my drink because if (oh, hahaha…IF!) I drink super fast (which is the only way to drink, in my humble opinion)(oh, look at me, not using Internet abbreviations), I get hella drunk and I’d be making out with you like, pronto, and really, as much as I dig you, I think we need a couple hours of giggling first.
Anyway…
Am I making sense? No? That’s what I thought.
So, I also am not going to BlogHer even though it’s practically being held in my backyard because I am broke. Let’s stage a BrokeHer and just drink cheap booze and Twitter back and fourth amongst ourselves in July, shall we?
June 18th, 2009 at 7:52 pm
I know how ya feel. I equate it to the time my mom wouldn’t let me attend Heather the Cool Girl’s 8th grade sleepover in 1986 b/c it wasn’t going to be “properly supervised” to her satisfaction. I felt like I was the only one NOT going and felt such a LOSEHER (heh).
Trenches of Mommyhoods last blog post..Take Care of YOU
June 18th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
I swear I am not being a jEluS H8r (am old. Can’t do bad text speak) when I say this: I can’t stand this time of year with BlogHer and the BlogHerettes and the shoes and the squeeing and can we please just skip to, like, August to miss both the conference and all the bloody aftermath? I’m sure it’s a wonderful time and the people are wonderful and the shoes and the squeeing are wonderful but please. Stop.
That said, the BlogHerrogate is freaking genius. If you can really finagle a cardboard cutout, I bet you would skyrocket to blog fame and your next BlogHer deposit will be, like $40.
Alias Mothers last blog post..Things I look forward to doing with my daughter (a Wednesday afternoon sampling)
June 18th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
A BlogHerogate , huh? Is that kind of like the seat fillers that go to award shows and sit down in the upfront on camera seats when celebs have to go pee, huh? Has major potential. I see corporate sponsorship too.
swirl girls last blog post..Is It Wrong That I Find This Hysterical?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I’m sure this won’t make you feel much better, but I lived in Chicago for 2 years and July and August are hot and humid as fuck. But sounds like you would have been inside drinking all day anyway.
June 18th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
aw hell. i’m not going (AGAIN) and i don’t have business cards and i DONT have a cardboard cutout of myself.
lose lose lose.
the planet of janets last blog post..After midnight
June 19th, 2009 at 12:01 am
I get this post. I really get it. Totally and absolutely. Many of us do because most have sat out of BlogHer at least once. It ssssucks to hear it all, even though you love everyone that is going. It’s just a suckass feeling.
I am so damn sorry you aren’t coming. I totally would hug you back because it would be awesome to meet you. And I know all the people you linked to would feel the same way.
(For the record? I had no idea you linked to me I just came to check in cause you’re rad. I lurk too damn much but I’ve had 2 hrs of sleep a night for the last month and I’m covered in baby barf and typing with one hand. UGH.)
Loralees last blog post..Moving. Again.
June 19th, 2009 at 2:57 am
So if I hook you up with a cut-out can you hook me up with a BlogHerrogate? Hand jobs and hugging optional?
Lisas last blog post..Neighbor’s CSA Loss – My Gain
June 19th, 2009 at 9:52 am
a BlogHerrogate is a friggin’ brilliant idea.
alis last blog post..water progress
June 19th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Can you photoshop me in? I’ll wear a shirt with my url/twittername so your BlogHerrogate won’t have to carry around MY cards..then she won’t feel all nervous and/or shy because she’ll be her own crowd and then other bloggers will be all let’s hang with her/them because she’s got her own entourage so she must be wicked popular.
Then if you/I ever MAKE it to blogger, everyone will be all I remember you, you were hanging with the popular girl, so you/I won’t have to feel all awkward about meeting strangers. See? Win-Win.
Lynettes last blog post..The one where I tell you where to go
June 19th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I’m in for BrokeHer.
Laugh, Moms last blog post..Well, I guess that’s a relief
June 20th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Not going either. Having a low-budget, fun-time, local blogger party of five (or ten) here in Detroit, home of the broke.
MomZombies last blog post..Wordless Wednesday
June 20th, 2009 at 10:39 am
You have to find someone that got a bloghership and take a bus. Also you have to eat nothing but mints and you have to hoard the meals. That way you can go for very cheap.
Just like me!
Hurrah for public fun busses!
(I’d be a horrible Blogherrogate due to my lack of drinking.) But I shall send you a shout out. Naturally.
moosh in indy.s last blog post..finding humor in blood, sedatives and lady parts.
June 21st, 2009 at 9:46 am
Okay – here’s what I’m offering: You get someone to accompany your BlogHerrogate to the BlogHer thingy and I’ll come down to Chicago and take the BlogHerrogate out after and show her/you around the city. We can do touristy things like a carriage ride on Michigan Avenue, chedda fries at the Weiner Circle, a Wendalla boat ride – or we can just hang out at Oak Street beach. Or maybe we can dress her/you up in something swanky and go have drinks at RL or go to take the train to Ravinia and catch a concert or….OMG, WTF is wrong with me that I’m getting all excited about this?
June 21st, 2009 at 10:24 am
P.S. In the above scenarios I was imagining doing these things with the cardboard cut-out version of you — ya know like riding in a carriage with the cardboard cut-out, going to the Weiner Circle, etc. I was thinking of all the pictures I could take around Chicago wiht your cut-out.
See how I have to explain my own joke? This is why my blog is not funny. This is why I do not even try.
June 22nd, 2009 at 8:47 am
I’m totally in for Brokeher because I don’t have a blog, either.
June 22nd, 2009 at 4:37 pm
lol- too cute.. i won’t be there either!!!!! sucks.
June 22nd, 2009 at 6:09 pm
yea, what she said. damn the, er, WOman!
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:20 am
Hey, I DID raise your hand for you so you’d nervously ask not stupid questions.
For two years I’ve taken the Incredible Sulk approach to not going to BlogHer.
This year? I’m taking the I’m Too Cool For This Stupid Conference Shit approach. It seems to be working out because I haven’t transformed into that ugly, green monster yet. But it isn’t July, so we’ll see.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
What’s this about handjobs?
I’m so sorry we don’t get to meet, you know that. I was really hoping.
This will be my one and only year, I’m pretty sure. I’ve felt left out before and I’ll feel left out again, no doubt.
When you finally do get to Chicago, please let me know and I will meet you there. Or, even better, MADISON! But yeah, like somebody else said, I wouldn’t come near here in July or August. It’s like a constant hot grease splatter.
July 22nd, 2009 at 8:06 pm
im not going either and it makes me all mopey :/
i feel like its the biggest and ‘badassed’ party of high school and im left out :/