- So did you hear? Michael Jackson died! I know, right? Crazy! And then he broke Twitter! And then they planned a memorial for him but were afraid he might break Los Angeles, too! You probably didn’t hear because god knows there hasn’t been enough fucking news coverage of it. It’s not like stories about hundreds of people being killed in Chinese unrest or fraudulent elections in Iran or porn on iPhone apps have been getting pushed off the news cycle for stories like this:
- No wait, that’s EXACTLY what it’s like.
- On a related note: I’ve started watching the Noggin Channel exclusively. CNN can suck it. Fucking Dora’s got a better handle on current events.
- I’ve never been a fan of The Simpsons and I loved Seinfeld but it’s been like ten years since that show ended and I’m sorry, but I’m old and also memory-challenged and I just don’t remember most of the episodes anymore. So if something happens in real life, and you try to draw some kind of parallel between the real life event and something that happened on some random episode of The Simpsons or Seinfeld, chances are extremely high that I will have no idea what you’re talking about.
- When you start a sentence with “It’s just like that Seinfeld episode where…” and you see me drift off into a semi-conscious state with my eyes open but completely devoid of any interest in what you ‘re saying, maybe instead of shaking your head and judging me you should FUCK OFF and start watching shows from THIS CENTURY to draw your cultural references from. Maybe? Ya think?
- These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- Remember that episode of Family Guy where Lois and Peter are at some town meeting or something and Peter farts for a really long time and tries to cover it up by coughing and saying, “Nooooooooooo. Nope.” Remember that? That was awesome.
Is Nine West fucking with me?
This has GOTTA be a joke. Right? AAAHH HA HA HA HA Nine West! You got me! So funny with your gladiator-boot-slash-Jesus shoe joke! HA HA HA!
HOLY SHIT THAT WASN’T A JOKE?
- WHY does Target have 35 check out lanes if they’re NEVER going to have more than five of them open at a time? What’s the point? If they’re not using them, maybe I could have one of those extra cash registers? I don’t really NEED it, but how cool would it be if the Big Bean asked me if I had any cash and I was all, “Hang on a minute, hon, let me check” and then walked over to my cash register and punched some buttons and CHA-CHING! there you go! And as I handed it to him I’d be all, “Would you like to save 10 percent and open a Target charge account today?” And he would be just as annoyed at home as he is at the store when they ask him that question, and maybe he would spend less money.
- And now, the Culturally Relevant Discussion Question of the Day: Unibrows on Babies. Why don’t you just wax that shit? Lately I’ve seen several babies in desperate need of a good brow wax. And before you go getting your panties all knotted up about it, I’m not saying they need to be plucked or shaped or anything — just one quick swipe down the middle is all that’s needed. Easy. It’ll only hurt for a nano-second, and then we can all move on with our lives. Your kid won’t look like Chewbacca anymore and I can sleep at night again without feeling like a tiny Sasquatch is coming after me.
Am I right or am I right? Discuss.
P.S. Today is my birthday. I don’t have anything important to add about that, just thought you should know that I wrote this entire post from the perspective of an older person, and that’s why it sounds so much wiser and more astute than any of my previous posts.Stumble it!