- So did you hear? Michael Jackson died! I know, right? Crazy! And then he broke Twitter! And then they planned a memorial for him but were afraid he might break Los Angeles, too! You probably didn’t hear because god knows there hasn’t been enough fucking news coverage of it. It’s not like stories about hundreds of people being killed in Chinese unrest or fraudulent elections in Iran or porn on iPhone apps have been getting pushed off the news cycle for stories like this:
- No wait, that’s EXACTLY what it’s like.
- On a related note: I’ve started watching the Noggin Channel exclusively. CNN can suck it. Fucking Dora’s got a better handle on current events.
- I’ve never been a fan of The Simpsons and I loved Seinfeld but it’s been like ten years since that show ended and I’m sorry, but I’m old and also memory-challenged and I just don’t remember most of the episodes anymore. So if something happens in real life, and you try to draw some kind of parallel between the real life event and something that happened on some random episode of The Simpsons or Seinfeld, chances are extremely high that I will have no idea what you’re talking about.
- When you start a sentence with “It’s just like that Seinfeld episode where…” and you see me drift off into a semi-conscious state with my eyes open but completely devoid of any interest in what you ‘re saying, maybe instead of shaking your head and judging me you should FUCK OFF and start watching shows from THIS CENTURY to draw your cultural references from. Maybe? Ya think?
- These pretzels are making me thirsty.
- Remember that episode of Family Guy where Lois and Peter are at some town meeting or something and Peter farts for a really long time and tries to cover it up by coughing and saying, “Nooooooooooo. Nope.” Remember that? That was awesome.
-
Is Nine West fucking with me?
This has GOTTA be a joke. Right? AAAHH HA HA HA HA Nine West! You got me! So funny with your gladiator-boot-slash-Jesus shoe joke! HA HA HA!
HOLY SHIT THAT WASN’T A JOKE?
- WHY does Target have 35 check out lanes if they’re NEVER going to have more than five of them open at a time? What’s the point? If they’re not using them, maybe I could have one of those extra cash registers? I don’t really NEED it, but how cool would it be if the Big Bean asked me if I had any cash and I was all, “Hang on a minute, hon, let me check” and then walked over to my cash register and punched some buttons and CHA-CHING! there you go! And as I handed it to him I’d be all, “Would you like to save 10 percent and open a Target charge account today?” And he would be just as annoyed at home as he is at the store when they ask him that question, and maybe he would spend less money.
- And now, the Culturally Relevant Discussion Question of the Day: Unibrows on Babies. Why don’t you just wax that shit? Lately I’ve seen several babies in desperate need of a good brow wax. And before you go getting your panties all knotted up about it, I’m not saying they need to be plucked or shaped or anything — just one quick swipe down the middle is all that’s needed. Easy. It’ll only hurt for a nano-second, and then we can all move on with our lives. Your kid won’t look like Chewbacca anymore and I can sleep at night again without feeling like a tiny Sasquatch is coming after me.
Am I right or am I right? Discuss.
P.S. Today is my birthday. I don’t have anything important to add about that, just thought you should know that I wrote this entire post from the perspective of an older person, and that’s why it sounds so much wiser and more astute than any of my previous posts.
Stumble it!
Tags: I don;t care that Michael Jackson's dead, It's my birthday bitches
July 7th, 2009 at 9:22 am
Happy Birthday!!! I’m guessing those shoes are at the top of your list!
July 7th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Happy Birthday! My boyfriend is always making the Seinfeld references, but I get the Family Guy ones much more often.
Never ever buy anything at the height of its fashion. It can only go down from there.
July 7th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Happy Birthday!
Those shoes are awful. Awful, awful, awful.
Also, brb. I gotta go make sure my baby doesn’t have a unibrow.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Is today really your birthday? Happy Birthday!
And yes. Fuck yes. Madonna should be smacked for not taking that caterpillar off her kid’s face.
July 7th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Happy Birthday, Beej.
As always, you made me pee my pants while at work. All my co-employees are appreciative of that.
And as a friend of a parent of a uni-brow baby – Right on! Wax that shit!
July 7th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Happy Birthday!!
I love Family Guy – there is nowhere that show won’t go.
And the shoes?? To be worn while wading through the shitstorm that is MJ’s life.
July 7th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Those shoes? GAH!
I would be the mom waxing my baby’s eyebrows before we got the merconium off. Great post!
July 7th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
HAH! Yes! Let’s start a Twitter trend about Gladiator Jesus shoes!
Also, Happy Day Michael Jackson Had a Funeral. I mean Birthday. I mean MJ. I mean… ah, shit. The media has scrambled my brain, and I haven’t even been watching.
July 7th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I still don’t get why anyone ever liked Michael Jackson to begin with… King of pop, really? I just don’t get it and doubt I ever will!
Thank you for gracing us with another year of fucking awesomeness, happy birthday Beej!
July 7th, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Well Happy Happy!
Also, I have a real problem with those Jesus/gladiator shoes. Do you need shoes that aren’t real shoes but also protect your calves? Actually, you could wear them to the market so when some asshole runs into you with a cart, you’re protected. So in that case, way to think ahead 9west..?
July 8th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Happy birthday! Are you sure Nine West isn’t fucking with you? Really solid sure?
July 8th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Finally a shoe for women with unsightly lower shins, yet lovely and attractive feet. Rejoice.
Happy birthday for yesterday.
July 9th, 2009 at 10:04 am
yada-yada-yada…you are right. those jesus sandal boots are HILARIOUS!!! and i love the copy: “show the world just how fashion forward you are..” BWAH?
happy belated birthday bejewell!!!
July 9th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Happy belated birthday, I’ve sent you a pair of those Nine West (things) shoes…hope you like.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Hold up! Those shoe/boots were originally $160!? The world is a stupid, stupid place.
I’m stupid for getting here late to wish you a happy birthday. I now bestow you my belated wishes. Forgive me?
July 12th, 2009 at 1:18 am
OMG.
I am sitting here after 16 hours of remodeling straight with the worlds shittiest back injury and LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF at the jesus gladiator sandles.
Thanks,friend. I totally needed that today.
July 12th, 2009 at 9:01 pm
i said it on FB- but belated HB again. also…i DO try and make references to Seinfeld (mostly with Adam now) and lately I’ve realized most people are too young to even know anything about that tv show…i feel so old!!! hope to see you again soon!!!
July 16th, 2009 at 7:44 am
I totally agree with you on all of this — except! You know when somebody totally ambushes you by saying something really mean or road rage-like? (Example: once some crazy woman stated screaming at me because my daughter and I were walking out of Target TOO SLOWLY). I am still waiting, waiting! to yell out “Oh yeah, the jerk store called and they’re looking for you!!”
July 16th, 2009 at 7:45 am
P.S. Happy belated.
July 16th, 2009 at 9:13 am
mama. mama. mama. mom. mom. mom. ma. ma. ma. mommy. mommy. mommy. lois. lois. lois.
THAT, is my favorite episode ever.
October 6th, 2010 at 8:03 pm
Hello. Great job.This is a great. Thanks!