Every day I find something new that I just can’t wrap my head around. Usually it’s the stupid stuff other people do that I just can’t understand. But sometimes it’s a little thing that gets my attention and keeps me guessing. I keep a running list of these things, maybe someone will read it and have some answers for me. Here’s hoping…
Things I Just CAN’T Understand
- One-ply toilet paper
What’s the point? I’m just going to use more!
- How the dryer knows what I need
When I need a shirt, that shirt is always in the back, at the bottom. If I need a pair of pants, it’s in the back, at the bottom. No matter what I need, it’s in the back, at the bottom. How does it know? Is it watching me?
- People who don’t pick up after their kids at restaurants
This one I actually understand, but just find completely appalling and offensive. Don’t you realize you’re giving all parents a bad name? YOU are the reason why we get dirty looks when we take our 10-month old son out to eat. We actually had a waitress tell us once that she loved us when we cleaned up after ourselves. How sad.
- Why four-way stops always turn into such clusterfucks
Just take your turn! It’s okay, don’t be afraid.
- Mike Huckabee
I can’t believe anyone, even a desperate, grasping-at-air Republican, is willing to take this guy seriously. He wants to amend the American Constitution – that’s right, whe same one our founding fathers created – to reflect the Christian God’s standard! Christ Almighty!
- The right-wing’s obsession with the sex lives of others (speaking of Huckabee)
This includes their fascination with gay marriage. Is it SO hard to just mind your own beeswax? Is it jealousy? Leave my gays alone! Let them be happy!
- Vanity license plates
Unless it’s just really, really funny, what’s the point? I’m not impressed that you can afford a license plate that says “2INSANE.” 2INSANE is what you were when you decided it was a good idea to put that on your car.
- Couples who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant
They leave the other side empty and me wondering… why? It can’t be comfortable.
(Unless they’re feeling each other up under the table. THAT I can understand.)
- The appeal of Neil Young
Harvest Moon? Really?
- People who hang dreamcatchers from their rearview mirrors
Do you really believe in the mystical quality of the dreamcatcher? How about its ability to save you when you ram into someone else because your view was blocked by an enormous, useless piece of crap?
- People who drive slow in the fast lane
- Why America’s Funniest Home Videos needs a host.
Even if you really HAVE to have one, couldn’t you find one who doesn’t suck? I love watching people bust ass and scare the shit out of each other - why do you have to ruin it with that douche bag Tom Bergeron?
- Why Dr. Phil is called “Dr.” Phil
Doctor of what? Being a lame-ass, obnoxious redneck? Do you really need a Ph.D for that?
- Fox News
People watch this channel all the time believing that it’s a legitimate, objective news source. It’s actually shown on airport TVs sometimes. It looks like the news, sounds like the news – but it’s not REALLY the news. Shouldn’t they be required to run some kind of permanent scroll at the bottom of the screen that identifies them as a bunch of right-wing assholes?
- Why Paris Hilton is still in the headlines
Shouldn’t being rich, stupid and slutty only entitle you to a couple of years’ worth of fame? Aren’t we there yet?
- Speaking of sluts - The Pussycat Dolls
Congratulations on your big tits and platform heels, ladies, but those things do NOT automatically equal talent!
- Why Hummers are still sold to the general public.
In this day and age, it just seems ridiculous that anyone other than the military would shell out big bucks for one of these monstrosities. (Not to mention the enormous cost of gassing that baby up.) All I can think when I see one is, “Wow, he must have a REALLY small penis.”
Anything I’ve forgotten? Anything I’m totally wrong about? Anyone? Anyone?Stumble it!