Bejewell on February 22nd, 2008

Every day I find something new that I just can’t wrap my head around.  Usually it’s the stupid stuff other people do that I just can’t understand.  But sometimes it’s a little thing that gets my attention and keeps me guessing.  I keep a running list of these things, maybe someone will read it and have some answers for me.  Here’s hoping…

Things I Just CAN’T Understand

  • One-ply toilet paper
    What’s the point?  I’m just going to use more!
  • How the dryer knows what I need
    When I need a shirt, that shirt is always in the back, at the bottom.  If I need a pair of pants, it’s in the back, at the bottom.  No matter what I need, it’s in the back, at the bottom.  How does it know? Is it watching me?
  • People who don’t pick up after their kids at restaurants 
    This one I actually understand, but just find completely appalling and offensive.  Don’t you realize you’re giving all parents a bad name?  YOU are the reason why we get dirty looks when we take our 10-month old son out to eat.  We actually had a waitress tell us once that she loved us when we cleaned up after ourselves.  How sad.
  • Why four-way stops always turn into such clusterfucks 
    Just take your turn!  It’s okay, don’t be afraid.
  • Mike Huckabee
    I can’t believe anyone, even a desperate, grasping-at-air Republican, is willing to take this guy seriously.  He wants to amend the American Constitution – that’s right, whe same one our founding fathers created – to reflect the Christian God’s standard! Christ Almighty!
  • The right-wing’s obsession with the sex lives of others (speaking of Huckabee)
    This includes their fascination with gay marriage.  Is it SO hard to just mind your own beeswax?  Is it jealousy? Leave my gays alone!  Let them be happy!
  • Vanity license plates
    Unless it’s just really, really funny, what’s the point?  I’m not impressed that you can afford a license plate that says “2INSANE.” 2INSANE is what you were when you decided it was a good idea to put that on your car.
  • Couples who sit on the same side of the booth at a restaurant
    They leave the other side empty and me wondering… why?  It can’t be comfortable. 
    (Unless they’re feeling each other up under the table.  THAT I can understand.)
  • The appeal of Neil Young
    Harvest Moon?  Really?
  • People who hang dreamcatchers from their rearview mirrors 
    Do you really believe in the mystical quality of the dreamcatcher?  How about its ability to save you when you ram into someone else because your view was blocked by an enormous, useless piece of crap?  
  • People who drive slow in the fast lane
    Enough said.
  • Why America’s Funniest Home Videos needs a host. 
    Even if you really HAVE to have one, couldn’t you find one who doesn’t suck?  I love watching people bust ass and scare the shit out of each other - why do you have to ruin it with that douche bag Tom Bergeron? 
  • Why Dr. Phil is called “Dr.” Phil
    Doctor of what?  Being a lame-ass, obnoxious redneck?  Do you really need a Ph.D for that?
  • Fox News
    People watch this channel all the time believing that it’s a legitimate, objective news source.  It’s actually shown on airport TVs sometimes.  It looks like the news, sounds like the news – but it’s not REALLY the news.  Shouldn’t they be required to run some kind of permanent scroll at the bottom of the screen that identifies them as a bunch of right-wing assholes?
  • Why Paris Hilton is still in the headlines
    Shouldn’t being rich, stupid and slutty only entitle you to a couple of years’ worth of fame?  Aren’t we there yet?
  • Speaking of sluts - The Pussycat Dolls
     Congratulations on your big tits and platform heels, ladies, but those things do NOT automatically equal talent! 
  • Why Hummers are still sold to the general public. 
    In this day and age, it just seems ridiculous that anyone other than the military would shell out big bucks for one of these monstrosities.  (Not to mention the enormous cost of gassing that baby up.)  All I can think when I see one is, “Wow, he must have a REALLY small penis.” 

 

 

Anything I’ve forgotten?  Anything I’m totally wrong about?  Anyone?  Anyone?

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10 Responses to “My “I Don’t Get It” List”

  1. I found your blog just searching around – and I must say, you REALLY crack me up! Great post!!! :)

  2. Aw I like the pussycat dolls! lol

    I enjoyed reading your post

  3. You are just too funny!! My favorites are the vanity license plates, couples sitting next to each other in booths, paris hilton and of course the hummer. Now everytime i see a hummer i will be thinking about your post. LOL

  4. I like the way you write ..Its really different and interesting … keep the momentum going ..I hope tis will really going to help me in future..
    brilliant.

  5. thebenevolentdictator
    May 11th, 2008 at 11:56 pm

    I see the same people in the pick up line at my child’s school everyday. Some people I know, some I don’t. Anyway, a lady that I used to see enough to wave hi to in her reasonable Honda Pilot started pulling up in her brand new hummer.

    Hello? I hope she’s enjoying that diesel fuel at $4.30 a gallon. Not to mention that she looks like a fool.

  6. I just found your blog so I am enjoying lots of your old posts. They play FOX news at the Y where I work out and I feel like I’m being tortured, even with the sound off. It is so sensationalized and repetitive, it’s like watching Chicken Little report “the sky is falling!!”

    And Hummers!! I always think “SMALL DICK.” I’m embarassed for them. What a stupid vehicle for running errands or driving the family.

    Great blog!

  7. Love the post. I agree with the vanity plates and Paris Hilton but I have to go against the norm and say I like Hummers. Yes they are big and bulky and yes they eat gas. But if I had the money for one then filling it would not matter. What does matter to me if the U.S government letting the gas companies with murder every time I fill up.

  8. Fox News
    People watch this channel all the time believing that it’s a legitimate, objective news source. It’s actually shown on airport TVs sometimes. It looks like the news, sounds like the news – but it’s not REALLY the news. Shouldn’t they be required to run some kind of permanent scroll at the bottom of the screen that identifies them as a bunch of right-wing assholes?

    Really? As opposed to, say MSLSD(Selfrightous, arrogant, socialist dumbasses) or CNN(totaly brainless fuckwads who can’t figure out who/what they are)?

    Don’t get me wrong, I agree, FAUX is not by any means, unbiased, but do you really think Maddow, Blitzer, Cooper or any fo the interminable list of so called “Reporters” and “Anchors” is?

    Truly unbiased news died with Edward R. Murrow, if not before.

  9. Oh, and yeah, go ahead ad bitch about my spelling, as if you can’t figure out what I’m saying, eh?
    I’m pretty sure that is the only real subastantial argument you can come up with on this one…..

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