Why Taking a Picture of Yourself Giving Someone the Finger is a Good Way to Feel Pretty and Less Stabby

So about a week ago I got a new phone, because the track ball on my Blackberry kept sticking and I kept accidentally sending text messages to the wrong people and making phone calls that I didn’t mean to make without knowing it and then one dickhead actually accused me of sending him my grocery list ON PURPOSE SO I COULD GET HIS ATTENTION and that’s when I was all FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE, if I want your attention (which I DON’T)  I can get it without resorting to lame ass tricks, and also, FUCK THIS STUPID PHONE. 

So I got a NEW phone, which is BAD ASS and can do all kinds of magical things that my other one couldn’t, and I am in love with it and want to marry it and have little baby phones, which my phone and I will raise together in our cottage in the forest and they will all grow up to be even better phones than their father and I will sell them and make millions of dollars for my half-human, half-phone BAD ASS BABIES and then I will leave their father in his home in the woods and move to a penthouse apartment in the big city where I will have a cook and a driver and every once in a while I’ll run into that asshole who once accused me of playing stupid tricks to get his attention but I won’t even remember his name.  And he’ll realize what a shitty thing that was to accuse me of and try to apologize but Security will stop him in the lobby of my high-rise apartment building (which I now own because I have millions from selling my half-breed babies) and he’ll have to find some other way to get my attention, so he’ll start “accidentally” sending me text messages with stuff like recipes for beef stroganoff and directions to his grandmother’s house but it won’t work because NEWSFLASH, ASSHOLE: THAT IS A STUPID WAY TO GET SOMEONE’S ATTENTION.

So anyway, the point is, I have this new phone that I love and it has a camera, which I used today to take pictures of myself and send to random people, because I can.  Pictures like this:

And this:

And this:

(I have no idea why it looks like I’m missing a pinky in this picture.  I swear I have one.  Two, actually.)

And I sent two or three of those pictures to the Big Bean, in an email with the title “Playing around with my phone camera,” which I thought was pretty self-explanatory, but apparently not because a few minutes later I got a call from him and the first thing he said was “I just got all of your pictures. What was THAT all about?” which made me feel all hateful and stabby because Number One: How am I supposed to answer that question?  Did the title not explain it well enough for you?  What do you THINK it was all about, Captain Douche?  and Number Two:  Really?  THIS is how you decide to start the conversation?  It never ONCE occurred to you that maybe you should jump off with something like “You look pretty” or “I really liked those pictures” or even “What happened to your pinky?” Really?

So then I called the BFF and I was all, “Am I just a bitch, or was that really kind of offensive?” and she was all “Is this a trick question?” and I was all, “Okay, let’s assume that I AM a bitch” and she was all “Hell to the DUH” under her breath and I was all “But even with my bitch status, that was STILL kind of offensive, right?” and she was all “FUCK YEAH IT WAS, is he retarded or something?” so then we started brainstorming about ways that I could seek revenge and finally we just came up with telling him how stupid he is and sending him this:

Which DID actually make me feel better and less stabby, and THAT was the point of this story.

The end.

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Tags: giving the bird is fun' assholes who make false accusations, important life lessons