So we have this new guy at work whose name is Terry or James or Joe or something, I’m really not sure because I just call him Eyebrows. Eyebrows is one of those “try too hard to be everybody’s friend” types and for some reason he’s placed me in the category of “everybody” even though I obviously can’t stand him. I saw him in the hallway the other day before I’d had my coffee and he was all “HEY BEEJ! HOW ARE WE TODAY?!?” and I was all “Fuck off” and he was all “HAHAHAAA You ARE SOOO FUNNY!” and I was all “No, really. Fuck off.” But he didn’t seem to understand what I was saying because he took a few steps CLOSER to me, completely ignoring my look that clearly said “Really, dude? You really think you want to do that?” and he was all, “Oh, poor Beej. Why so mopey? Are we having a bad day?” And THEN HE TOUCHED ME.*

And that’s when I stabbed him. Right in his belly. With a shiv I made in prison.** And he fell to the ground, trying to hold his guts in, and I giggled while I watched him bleed and cry for help.

It was his own fault.***

If you’re shaking your head right now, thinking that I should be nicer, try to walk a mile in his shoes, don’t judge a book by its cover, blah blah yada yada… Listen. Seriously. YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THIS GUY’S EYEBROWS. Anyone with eyebrows that big and unruly automatically makes the list of Assholes On My Bad Side, they just do. And I know it’s not nice to make fun of the way someone looks but COME ON, it’s not like he can’t control them! Just find a pair of garden shears or something and pare those babies down. It’ll take all of five minutes.****  Don’t be so fucking LAZY, man. A little manscaping is good for the soul.

The guy was just ASKING to be stabbed. It’s like he was DARING me or something.

And if you’re all freaked out thinking that I killed him, just relax. He didn’t die. Some sap must have called an ambulance for him or helped him put his guts back in or something because the next day I get this email, an email that was sent to the ENTIRE division, which is like 75 people, from – you guessed it — Eyebrows. And this is what it said:

HI EVERYONE!  I just wanted to share with you all the WONDERFUL news that my wife is EXPECTING!!!

And that email just made me more pissed off that he didn’t die. Because opening it and reading it took time out of MY day and I HATE being expected to give a shit.  Okay, so he got laid, planted his seed, whatever. WHAT. EVER. It’s not like it’s HIM that’s pregnant (which absolutely WOULD get my attention); it’s just his wife, whom I do not know NOR have any desire to meet because any woman willing to have sex with that man and those eyebrows is no friend of mine.***** As his wife she has a moral obligation to do something about that shit on his face and she has LET THE WORLD****** DOWN.*******

Oh, also, did I mention that Eyebrows is a HUGE fan of Twilight?  He loves it so much that he asked my friend Em (before she abandoned me for greener pastures, that bitch) if she’d read the book and when she said she hadn’t he “tsk tsk”-ed her and told her she was missing out because it was “so special” and then he gave her a copy of the book as a going away present and BURNED A COPY OF THE SOUNDTRACK for her which, I’m sorry, is SO thirteen-year-old-girlish I can’t even stand it.

I just want to set this guy’s face on fire, starting with those haystacks over his eyes. I don’t even see eyebrows anymore – I just see kindling.

Anyway, since the stabbing incident Eyebrows has (wisely) steered clear of me, which is good for both of us because (1) I’ve been working on a new shiv and it’s a lot sharper and more effective than the last one and (B) His eyebrows depress me.  And so does this post, which I only wrote because I hated my last one so much but I refuse to delete anything from this blog because I am of the “you made your bed now lie in it bitch” philosophy. ********

And that is all I have to say on the subject.

beej

*Just a pat on the SHOULDER. Not the kind of touching you have to show on the doll, you pervs. If he HAD touched me in a naughty place it would have been the last thing he and his eyebrows ever did.

**Okay, so it was just a very sharp pencil. Sue me. Actually, no, don’t.

***This is why you should never invade someone’s personal space bubble. Especially before they’ve had their morning coffee. And by “someone” I mean ME.

****Well okay, in his case maybe ten. Or fifty.

***** I don’t know if this sentence makes any sense, but I’m so pissed off at this lady I don’t even care.

******And by “the world,” I mean ME.

*******On that note, I should probably apologize to the world for my failure to control the Big Bean’s freakishly long nose hairs. He blames them on his Italian heritage — I blame them on the failure of technology to properly address the inadequacies of today’s nose hair trimmers. We’ve never found one that could handle his nose mane. You should hear them whirrr as they try so valiantly to thin the forest. It’s almost sad. I think we’ve been through 15 or so.

********And yet somehow, it’s still better than the last one.

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25 Responses to “I Stabbed a Guy Whose Eyebrows Are Like Haystacks But He Didn’t Die and That Pisses Me Off”

  1. laughing my ass off…you have such a way with words! =)

  2. COME THE FUCK ON is like the best expression ever isn’t it??
    COME THE FUCK ON I just love it.

  3. There should be a Goddam law against people who consistently and unwantedly invade the personal space of others. Had your pencil-shiv proved deadly, I would’ve called that justifiable homicide. And any grown man with blepheronic eyebrows (NOTE: ‘blepheron’ is an actual word, or at least used to be before it was dropped from the English language – a Goddam shame, seeing as how useful it is – means, and I quoth from my ye olde dictionary The Word Museum, here: “he who hath large eyebrows”, so you should totally use it on him, maybe start calling him Bleph, and he’ll have NO IDEA of your subtle and intelligent mockery of his face topiary) who is also a fan of Twilight because it’s “so special” DESERVES to be covered in body glitter and fed to a ravening pack of Rob Pattison’s fangirls. Here Endeth The Rant.

  4. You are fuckin’ awesome!

  5. God you’re insane. I love you.

  6. Haystacks… *suh-nor-hort* I totally lost it at “I see kindling”.

    You kill me.

    Oh and incase you hadn’t thought of it already – the spawn will likely inherit the eyebrows. And haystacks there will be putting pictures of junior eyebrows on his desk and in his wallet and *gasp* emailing them to his coworkers. I’m just warning you.

    You may want to start looking for a new job.

  7. I could have really used those shiv making skills when I worked in an office. Can you make an instructional video and post it on your blogs?

  8. But could you fake that your shoulder is an erogenous zone and thus sue him for sexual harassment and ruin his life forever?

    Just, you know, hypothetically speaking. Of course.

  9. Huge fan of who? Huge fan of WHO? Did I miss something? It’s possible I did because I got all annoyed in my brain reading the part where he asked you if you were having a bad day because that question seriously makes me crazy, but to then have coupled it with the personal touching? No. That imaginary shivving was totally justified.

  10. You had me at “I stabbed him. With a shiv I made in prison. And he fell to the ground, trying to hold his guts in, and I giggled while I watched him bleed and cry for help.”

    You actually do the things I think about in my head. You Rock!

  11. You should hate his wife at least 25% as much as you hate him…If only because she should at least say something to him – or try to tame the issue while he sleeps. And if anyone “tsk tsk’ed” me because I didn’t read Twilight and then gift me with the Soundtrack (Seriously?) I would set his desk on fire along with his kindling eyebrows.

  12. Maybe you can get him a pair of garden shears. You can write in the card:

    “So you don’t scare your new child shitless. Congratulations”

    ps – this post was hilarious!

  13. omg, you are hysterical.

  14. I love it that I sit here and giggle when you get annoyed with office workers. And the only reason is that, you probably would stab me within the first week. But that’s only because I make it my job to “act” like work is the happiest place on earth. Just to piss off the rest of the depratment. And I would totally try and act like you being annoyed didn’t even registear on my radar, which I’m guessing would piss you off even more. Chances are, by the end of day 3 you would try and throw me in front of the postal truck just to see if I were real.

    Okay…so maybe I exaggerated some of that a little. Or almost all of it. Look. Don’t fuck with me, where fuck with me equals saying hi, before I’ve had my coffee and I will do the same. After lunch is a great time to say good morning. Also, please don’t say “Bye. See you tomorrow!” because I really don’t give a shit and really wish I didn’t have to see anybody the next day at work.

  15. Well, shit, Beej. You made that whole disclaimer about no hot sauce in the ass but then had to remind me that you read Twilight and LIKED it. I have to reevaluate my decision not to unfriend you now.

  16. Also, I wax my husband’s eyebrows for him so he doesn’t have a unibrow. I’m like an awesome wife.

  17. Hopefully you’ll draw Eyebrows’ name in the office Secret Santa . Hello Flowbee with eyebrow attachement and nose hair trimmer.

  18. Making my two sons read this. NOW. And then assuring they know the definition of the word “Manscaping.”

    Also going to check the state of my own eyebrows.

  19. I have haystack eyebrows and after that time I was stabbed, I waxed them.

  20. you’re full of shit…. and the F#*@ing funniest person I’ve ever met in my life! Did I mention the most beautiful as well???

  21. very nice. Loved this. You’re so creative with your rage.

  22. You write how I think. I wish I was in the office next to you so we could make fun of people all day.

    At one of my old law firms, I nicknamed a girl WEK. Wandering Eye Katie.

    Oooh, and then there was BCG. Banana Clip Girl.

    See? We’d have LOTS of fun!

  23. I went and had my eyebrows waxed today.

    Before I read this post.

    So I can be all ‘my eyebrows are awesome and I am safe’

    I told twitter that they look totally fetch, and the bitches went all PC on me.

    Fuckers.

    Betcha they have eyebrows like that dude and that is why they are on the internet and not real.

  24. and i thought i was the only one who made up nicknames for people i dont know but see on a regular basis. YOU ARE HI-larious. if you go from (your) left to right just under the belly button and then up…that should do the trick…no one can survive that.

  25. I work with Ned Flanders. Not only is he sickening hidillio sweet, he has haystacks too! It is absolutely impossible to concentrate on anything the man says between his syrupy sweet bullshit because I’m staring at those long meandering strands. You can’t NOT stare either.

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