Ohmygod ya’ll, we got a new refrigerator this weekend and it is SO BAD ASS it makes me want to cry, and yes, I realize this excitement about a refrigerator means I’m old or sadly domesticated or something, but if loving my new Samsung is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
The bad news is, our house immediately rejected the new refrigerator. You know, like how sometimes somebody gets a kidney transplant and everyone’s all relieved when the surgery’s over and they swarm around the donor with balloons and shit because that was such an awesome thing to do, but then a few days later the don-ee’s body rejects the new organ and everyone’s like “OH FUCK WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT WAS!!” and the mad dash begins for a new kidney donor while the old donor just sits there alone in his hospital bed watching his balloons deflate and going, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and nobody even notices or cares that this guy is now one kidney light — instead they just shoot angry glances his way because his kidney clearly sucked and the don-ee doesn’t even bother to say “Hey, dude, sorry I took your shitty kidney for no reason.” SO ungrateful. What an asshole. I hope he dies.
Anyway, we’ve had the old fridge for about ten years and pretty much hated it from the start, because it never fit right in the space and it made weird noises and even with the blue strobe light I put in the freezer to keep things interesting, it bored us to tears. Plus, the ice maker was placed JUST SO that when you wanted ice you were virtually guaranteed to end up with at least two cubes on the floor, which would slide *just* out of your reach and take *just* long enough to melt that you’d forget all about them until you walked into the kitchen for something else later and stepped in a puddle wearing just socks and you’d be all GODDAMMIT NAPOLEON!! YOU ARE THE WORST DOG EVER!! and Napoleon the weiner dog would run away and hide, all cower-y and sad, and you wouldn’t care, you’d just keep giving him the evil bad dog eye while you changed your socks until it finally dawned on you that you dropped a couple of ice cubes a few minutes ago and now your refrigerator has succeeded in making you feel like a total DICK.
So yeah, we were all pretty much in agreement that it was time for the old fridge to go. Napoleon especially. And we had a little bit of extra money in our savings account, which anyone who knows us will know means it was time to SHOP FOR BIG STUFF!! because extra money? in savings? FUCK THAT SHIT. (Note: This also explains the new mattress and bedroom furniture.) So the Big Bean went online and worked his Big Purchase Research Magic and decided that Samsung was the Way To GO and he went and found it at the appliance store and then he brought in the Big Guns (i.e., ME) to haggle them down to a reasonable price, which I did with my Mad Bargaining Skillz, which sounds impressive but really just boils down to me being a total bitch, which I do every day anyway. And even with the Big Bean standing next to me going all wide-eyed-smiley-face every time the manager pointed out some special new fancy feature, my bitchy ass got them to shave $100 off the price.
(Basically, the guy’d say something like, “See that tray right there? It CHILLS STUFF!” and I’d say “Who cares? You think THAT’s worth an extra 200 bucks? You’ll have to do a lot better than THAT, sleazy retail store manager” – but at the same time the Big Bean’s eyes would go all buggy and you could hear him gasp and whisper – “It chiiiillllls stuff!!”)
(NOT an effective bargaining move, if you were wondering.)
So anyway after about 15 security levels of paperwork, the Samsung was ours (which, seriously? My SSN? Mother’s maiden name? How about my second-born? Or a pinky finger? Would you like a pinky finger? It’s a fucking refrigerator, people, not a suitcase of plutonium) and they asked us if we wanted it delivered and the Big Bean’s chest got all puffy and suddenly he was cheap again with his “PAY for delivery? FUCK YOU! I’m a MAN!! ROAARR!!” So the next day he picked it up and realized AFTER getting it from the trailer to the front door by himself (because strong man friends scatter suspiciously when you need help moving a fridge) that it was just *this much* wider than our front door or any other door in our house and also very, very heavy and you know, maybe that delivery fee wasn’t so unreasonable after all.
This was sign number one that the house was rejecting its new kidney, by the way.
So he had to remove the doors from the fridge, then borrow a dolly from the neighbor, which was great except that BOTH tires were blown out.
Sign number two.
He made a trip to the tire store to fix the dolly, came back home, finally moved the ginormous thing into the house (I swear I heard the house screaming as he rolled it in) and put the doors BACK on, which involved tools and a ladder and me negotiating with the Bean to stay AWAY from the tools and OFF of the ladder (see photo below for how well that turned out) and also a lot of under-the-breath cursing from us both.
(Note new refrigerator in background. Living room background.)
THEN the Big Bean moved the old fridge over to the corner, but it was just a *little* too big, or the corner was just a *little* too small, and the new fridge wouldn’t fit so we had to move BOTH out and start over. (Sign number three of house rejection.) THEN it turned out that the new fridge didn’t come with a water kit (and I don’t even know what to SAY to that except ???!?) so he had to make ANOTHER trip to buy a water kit and THEN he found out the hard way that our wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy had corroded to the point of basically EXPLODING water in his face when he removed the old water kit. And then he yelled and cursed some more and I’m pretty sure a tear was shed, and he called ME in, like there was anything I could do except stand there while it exploded in MY face, too, which it DID, and which SUCKED.
I have now lost count of the signs.
Long story short (HAAAAA! HA HA HA!! HA HA HA!!), water shut off, another trip made, replacement wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy purchased, more cursing, wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy replaced, old fridge removed, new fridge FINALLY installed, and FINGER GIVEN TO THE HOUSE. FUCK YOU, HOUSE.
I believe I also speak for the Big Bean when I say – TOTALLY WORTH IT. I mean, come on. Just look at that face.
And if we ever leave this house, we’re hiring movers.
Stumble it!
August 24th, 2009 at 5:08 pm
We got a fridge at a great price and I like it and all but THAT ONE MAKES MY BOOBS HURT WITH ENVY.
Sigh.
August 24th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Love. that. shirt.
August 24th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Damn, I want a new fridge now!
August 24th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
So, wait.
Who donated a kidney, again?
August 24th, 2009 at 6:52 pm
Dude. Your fridge totally looks like mine. Like no food. But two bottles of wine and bottles of beer. THAT’s why I need a new fridge. Plus, mine is actually starting to smell a bit.
August 25th, 2009 at 4:00 am
I really want one of those refrigerators. If we ever finally make the leap from renting to owning our home, I’m totally going to spring for delivery (and installation) to bring that bad boy home.
August 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am
The important thing is you’ve saved (and chilled) the important beverages. Also, is Napoleon quite smug now when walking through the house or does he fear the loss of hs once trusty puddle-making scapegoat?
Also, I’m jealous.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:12 am
First of all, the house didn’t reject the fridge, it just made you work for it. And is this love or what? Because sometimes love makes you work for it.
Secondly, you people need some damn food. I’m even accepting that this is a new fridge and thus all the old tupperware and takeaway containers were probably chucked in the fridge-arranging process, and I acknowledge that I am pregnant and, thus, my food needs are greater than your average starving hippopotamus, but the food in there? Would last me approximately 35 seconds.
Third, next time I need a major purchase I’m going to fly you up here, because between your bargaining bitch-face and the Alias Father’s don’t-you-screw-me-over asshole voice, they will end up paying me to take whatever it is away. Meanwhile, the Big Bean and I will huddle a few feet back whispering in awe about the tray that chills stuff or the car that moves forward.
It’ll be awesome.
August 25th, 2009 at 10:34 am
I am so completely jealous. I want a new fridge.
@AliasMother, but dude. They have beer. And wine. I call this satisfactory fridge fulfillment.
August 25th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Damn, look at all the wine and beer in there. My kind of fridge.
August 25th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I thought I LOVED my new fridge but now I want yours. I will sneak into your house and have illicit fridge nookie while you are in the shower.
Shower a long time, dammit.
August 25th, 2009 at 6:11 pm
I see the beer is in a prominent place. Well done.
I’ll be interested to hear how you like the freezer drawer on the bottom. My sister-in-law has one of those and I’m just not impressed. I don’t like it on the bottom. I prefer it on the top or, even better, side by side.
The Freezer, I mean, what did you think?
August 25th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
I’m with Meg on this one…we went with the side by side because we didn’t think we were going to like the french door model with bottom drawer fridge because HELLO…it’s a big giant drawer and a bunch of shit would just get tossed in there and you can’t married to a Brit and have shit tossed randomly in your freezer drawer. You just can’t. It’s like written on their birth certificates or something. So we had to get a side by side to ensure we had shelves in the freezer which meant that our shit would be organized and not just tossed in there randomly. A year later after buying our stainless steel beast, there is a ton of shit in the freezer and I believe it’s every bit as unorganized as it would have been had we gotten a bottom drawer model.
So um…how do you like it?
August 25th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
@Steph Normally I’d be impressed by the beer, but as I cannot consume said beer at this time, I instead must hide my jealousy by making petty comments about their food selection.
And I would just like to go on record by saying I have a bottom-drawer freezer and I love it.
And now I am done thinking about your fridge.
August 26th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I swear to God that is totally the fridge I want…and is that really your dog? He’s hell cute!
August 26th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
I am TOTALLY SYMPATHETIC. We moved our stuff into storage recently for the Big Trip Overseas, and there was a Fridge Incident of lesser (though still massively irksome) badness, wherein the truck we were using didn’t have a lift for the big stuff, so between the two of us we had to try and hoist it on the wheely-thing, which resulted in lots of yelling because I CAN’T LIFT FRIDGES, and Toby saying NO, if you’re taking any weight you’re doing it wrong, you should just be GUIDING IT UP only I had huge bruises on my forearms to prove him wrong, which resulted in me being relegated to GUIDING FROM BELOW (mistake) whereon he DROPPED THE FRIDGE ON MY FINGER and then yelled at me when I started screaming because WHAT HAD I DONE WRONG NOW? Long story short: when we get back to Oz, we are HIRING FUCKING MOVERS AND DRINKING A MARTINI while that fridge goes in, because ALL FRIDGES ARE EVIL.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
P.S. Your new fridge is totally prettier than ours. And shiny! One day, perhaps, I will own a shiny metallic fridge, but until then, I will envy yours.
August 26th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
thanks for saving me $2K…I’ll go GE.
we need a new fridge too, and are on a transplant list.
August 26th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
That much excitement over a fridge? What’s next, Beej? Bingo?
August 27th, 2009 at 8:40 am
I agree with other commenters, your alcohol to food ratio looks awesome!
August 27th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Only you could make me damned near wet myself with laughter over “I got a new fridge.”
August 27th, 2009 at 9:44 am
This is the morning of the 27th. This post JUST SHOWED UP IN MY READER like 5 minutes ago. WTF? is up with that?
Anyway, I love the fact that two whole shelves in there are devoted to alcoholic beverages. My kinda people.
August 27th, 2009 at 9:54 am
That is the most beautiful, stupendous, heart-stopping fridge I have ever seen .
Congrats.
August 27th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Yeaaaa. Quick, get a beer out of it before it flips you off and quits working!
August 28th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Thank you for making me laugh so loud that my supervisor poked his head out of his “more superior than yours” cubicle and looked at me…oh fuck him, it was funny.
oh, and I envy you..our fridge in our little rental can hold just about 3 ketchup packets before it bursts open..bastard!
August 29th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Is that the kind of fridge with two bottom drawers?! I bet that sandwich he’s eating is delicious
September 14th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Ahh you have a cute weiner…weiner dog that is. ha ha.
I have one too, her name is Ladybird. While reading your blog she walked over to me, checked out the picture of Napoleon and I swear to god she was giving him the sexy eye. You know that eye that says “roar baby, come to momma.”
So I totally think that my dog is in love with your dog…we need to set up some kind of date for them, or an arranged weiner dog marriage.
BTW, I am not some weirdo stalker gal. Saw your blog mentioned on the bloggess in your comment.
December 16th, 2009 at 8:10 pm
I bought the same fridge but in black. You’re right about it being huge. I’ve got to remove a section of cabinets to make it fit.
January 14th, 2010 at 4:26 am
I am careful about buying refrigerators because I might not have the right choice
August 4th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Was only looking for a fkn fridge/freezer online and saw this post and couldnt stop crying with laughter all the way through it, ur wit n humour is outstanding, thanks for making my night in sunny wales UK!!! god bless america lol!!!!