Ohmygod ya’ll, we got a new refrigerator this weekend and it is SO BAD ASS it makes me want to cry, and yes, I realize this excitement about a refrigerator means I’m old or sadly domesticated or something, but if loving my new Samsung is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.
The bad news is, our house immediately rejected the new refrigerator. You know, like how sometimes somebody gets a kidney transplant and everyone’s all relieved when the surgery’s over and they swarm around the donor with balloons and shit because that was such an awesome thing to do, but then a few days later the don-ee’s body rejects the new organ and everyone’s like “OH FUCK WHAT A WASTE OF TIME THAT WAS!!” and the mad dash begins for a new kidney donor while the old donor just sits there alone in his hospital bed watching his balloons deflate and going, “Are you fucking kidding me?!” and nobody even notices or cares that this guy is now one kidney light — instead they just shoot angry glances his way because his kidney clearly sucked and the don-ee doesn’t even bother to say “Hey, dude, sorry I took your shitty kidney for no reason.” SO ungrateful. What an asshole. I hope he dies.
Anyway, we’ve had the old fridge for about ten years and pretty much hated it from the start, because it never fit right in the space and it made weird noises and even with the blue strobe light I put in the freezer to keep things interesting, it bored us to tears. Plus, the ice maker was placed JUST SO that when you wanted ice you were virtually guaranteed to end up with at least two cubes on the floor, which would slide *just* out of your reach and take *just* long enough to melt that you’d forget all about them until you walked into the kitchen for something else later and stepped in a puddle wearing just socks and you’d be all GODDAMMIT NAPOLEON!! YOU ARE THE WORST DOG EVER!! and Napoleon the weiner dog would run away and hide, all cower-y and sad, and you wouldn’t care, you’d just keep giving him the evil bad dog eye while you changed your socks until it finally dawned on you that you dropped a couple of ice cubes a few minutes ago and now your refrigerator has succeeded in making you feel like a total DICK.
So yeah, we were all pretty much in agreement that it was time for the old fridge to go. Napoleon especially. And we had a little bit of extra money in our savings account, which anyone who knows us will know means it was time to SHOP FOR BIG STUFF!! because extra money? in savings? FUCK THAT SHIT. (Note: This also explains the new mattress and bedroom furniture.) So the Big Bean went online and worked his Big Purchase Research Magic and decided that Samsung was the Way To GO and he went and found it at the appliance store and then he brought in the Big Guns (i.e., ME) to haggle them down to a reasonable price, which I did with my Mad Bargaining Skillz, which sounds impressive but really just boils down to me being a total bitch, which I do every day anyway. And even with the Big Bean standing next to me going all wide-eyed-smiley-face every time the manager pointed out some special new fancy feature, my bitchy ass got them to shave $100 off the price.
(Basically, the guy’d say something like, “See that tray right there? It CHILLS STUFF!” and I’d say “Who cares? You think THAT’s worth an extra 200 bucks? You’ll have to do a lot better than THAT, sleazy retail store manager” – but at the same time the Big Bean’s eyes would go all buggy and you could hear him gasp and whisper – “It chiiiillllls stuff!!”)
(NOT an effective bargaining move, if you were wondering.)
So anyway after about 15 security levels of paperwork, the Samsung was ours (which, seriously? My SSN? Mother’s maiden name? How about my second-born? Or a pinky finger? Would you like a pinky finger? It’s a fucking refrigerator, people, not a suitcase of plutonium) and they asked us if we wanted it delivered and the Big Bean’s chest got all puffy and suddenly he was cheap again with his “PAY for delivery? FUCK YOU! I’m a MAN!! ROAARR!!” So the next day he picked it up and realized AFTER getting it from the trailer to the front door by himself (because strong man friends scatter suspiciously when you need help moving a fridge) that it was just *this much* wider than our front door or any other door in our house and also very, very heavy and you know, maybe that delivery fee wasn’t so unreasonable after all.
This was sign number one that the house was rejecting its new kidney, by the way.
So he had to remove the doors from the fridge, then borrow a dolly from the neighbor, which was great except that BOTH tires were blown out.
Sign number two.
He made a trip to the tire store to fix the dolly, came back home, finally moved the ginormous thing into the house (I swear I heard the house screaming as he rolled it in) and put the doors BACK on, which involved tools and a ladder and me negotiating with the Bean to stay AWAY from the tools and OFF of the ladder (see photo below for how well that turned out) and also a lot of under-the-breath cursing from us both.
(Note new refrigerator in background. Living room background.)
THEN the Big Bean moved the old fridge over to the corner, but it was just a *little* too big, or the corner was just a *little* too small, and the new fridge wouldn’t fit so we had to move BOTH out and start over. (Sign number three of house rejection.) THEN it turned out that the new fridge didn’t come with a water kit (and I don’t even know what to SAY to that except ???!?) so he had to make ANOTHER trip to buy a water kit and THEN he found out the hard way that our wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy had corroded to the point of basically EXPLODING water in his face when he removed the old water kit. And then he yelled and cursed some more and I’m pretty sure a tear was shed, and he called ME in, like there was anything I could do except stand there while it exploded in MY face, too, which it DID, and which SUCKED.
I have now lost count of the signs.
Long story short (HAAAAA! HA HA HA!! HA HA HA!!), water shut off, another trip made, replacement wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy purchased, more cursing, wall-to-fridge-faucet-thingy replaced, old fridge removed, new fridge FINALLY installed, and FINGER GIVEN TO THE HOUSE. FUCK YOU, HOUSE.
I believe I also speak for the Big Bean when I say – TOTALLY WORTH IT. I mean, come on. Just look at that face.
And if we ever leave this house, we’re hiring movers.
Tags: rejected refrigerators