So last night I was in bed almost asleep when I suddenly had this great idea for a blog post but I knew I’d forget it if I didn’t write it down, so I did and left the note on my nightstand and went back to sleep — but when I woke up this morning I found it and all it says is “DOG ZOMBIES” and I have no idea what the fuck that means. I don’t know if I was planning to write a post about dogs that chase zombies, or dogs that ARE zombies, or a band name or what. And I’m totally disappointed because a post about dog zombies sounds AWESOME. I feel like I’ve let the world down.
I blame Demi Moore because I dreamed last night that Ashton was beating her and it was my job to save her from him but she wouldn’t listen to me because she was really into astrology and I think horoscopes are bullshit. So I had to convince her that I believed them too and I was all, “Demi, Mercury is TOTALLY in retrograde right now and that’s the best time for a Scorpio like you to seek help” and she was all “Well… if Mercury’s in retrograde… ’ and I was all, “It IS. It totally IS” and even though I really have no idea what that means I guess I was pretty convincing because she let me help her pack her bags and drive her to the shelter. Ashton tried to follow us but I got all up in his face and screamed “YOU LEAVE DEMI ALONE, DUDE! SHE’S A SCORPIO AND MERCURY’S IN RETROGRADE, DICK!!” and he backed off like a scared kitten.
I have no clue what that dream meant.
Whatever it meant, it was enough to knock the memory of whatever awesome dog zombie idea I had right out of my head, lost forever. Now the world will never know my brilliant thoughts on dog zombies, and I blame Demi Moore.*
Anynow** here I am, with more than a week since my last post and a bunch of people giving me shit about not posting in so long and all I can tell them is “Sorry, apparently I had a bad ass post about dog zombies but it was erased from my head by Demi Moore” and they’re all “??!?” and I’m all “Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you people?”
Oh, by the way, may I just ask this? Where the hell were all you whiners back when I was writing kick ass posts like this one and this one that got like 1/4 of the traffic and comments my shit USED to get? Huh? Huh? That post about Albuquerque was fucking hilarious. I LITERALLY laughed out loud when I came up with the last line. And you complainers were nowhere to be found.***
Not to mention, my Technorati “authority number” has dropped from 73 to 7 in the past few months. Wait — what did she say? SEVENTY THREE TO SEVEN? NO! Really? Yes. Really, motherfuckers.
Never mind that I have absolutely no idea what that number means – I know enough to know a drop like that ain’t good. My little bloggy mountaineer yodeling guy has totally flown off the cliff and now he’s smushy and dead.
Now, listen. I could write a big thing here about how real life sometimes gets in the way of blogging, how I’ve changed so the blog has changed, how some big bloggers can be assholes, how blogging itself seems to be changing with the additions of Twitter and Facebook and whatnot, etc. But why bother, when other people much smarter than me have said all of that SO much better than I ever could?
Besides, we all know that my real point here is FUCK OFF.
Also — and this is important, so pay attention: Some crazy force took over my body today and made me look up Demi Moore’s birthday and it turns out that SHE IS TOTALLY A SCORPIO. JUST LIKE IN MY DREAM. I am now a believer.
Fuck the dog zombies. I AM IN TUNE WITH THE FORCES OF THE UNIVERSE AND DEMI MOORE. ****
*Don’t you know that horoscopes are BULLSHIT, Demi? COME ON. Join us here in the real world, m’kay?
**New word! New word! Tell your friends!
***Note correct usage of the word “literally.” Learn it. Live it. Love it. I can say I “literally laughed out loud” because I actually DID. Laugh. Out loud. YOU, on the other hand, did NOT “literally freeze to death.” If you had, you would not be alive to tell me about how you froze to death. You would be dead. And frozen. And you also were NOT “literally flying down the road” – unless you were in a hovercraft. Were you in a hovercraft? No? Then shut up. STOP THE MADNESS, PEOPLE.
****Now leave a comment or I’m sending Ashton and his stupid Bagger Vance suit after your sorry ass.Stumble it!