So last night I was in bed almost asleep when I suddenly had this great idea for a blog post but I knew I’d forget it if I didn’t write it down, so I did and left the note on my nightstand and went back to sleep — but when I woke up this morning I found it and all it says is “DOG ZOMBIES” and I have no idea what the fuck that means.  I don’t know if I was planning to write a post about dogs that chase zombies, or dogs that ARE zombies, or a band name or what.  And I’m totally disappointed because a post about dog zombies sounds AWESOME.  I feel like I’ve let the world down.

I blame Demi Moore because I dreamed last night that Ashton was beating her and it was my job to save her from him but she wouldn’t listen to me because she was really into astrology and I think horoscopes are bullshit.  So I had to convince her that I believed them too and I was all, “Demi, Mercury is TOTALLY in retrograde right now and that’s the best time for a Scorpio like you to seek help” and she was all “Well… if Mercury’s in retrograde… ’ and I was all, “It IS.  It totally IS” and even though I really have no idea what that means I guess I was pretty convincing because she let me help her pack her bags and drive her to the shelter.  Ashton tried to follow us but I got all up in his face and screamed “YOU LEAVE DEMI ALONE, DUDE! SHE’S A SCORPIO AND MERCURY’S IN RETROGRADE, DICK!!” and he backed off like a scared kitten.


I have no clue what that dream meant. 

Whatever it meant, it was enough to knock the memory of whatever awesome dog zombie idea I had right out of my head, lost forever.  Now the world will never know my brilliant thoughts on dog zombies, and I blame Demi Moore.*

Anynow** here I am, with more than a week since my last post and a bunch of people giving me shit about not posting in so long and all I can tell them is “Sorry, apparently I had a bad ass post about dog zombies but it was erased from my head by Demi Moore” and they’re all “??!?” and I’m all “Do I have to explain EVERYTHING to you people?”

Oh, by the way, may I just ask this?  Where the hell were all you whiners back when I was writing kick ass posts like this one and this one that got like 1/4 of the traffic and comments my shit USED to get?  Huh?  Huh?  That post about Albuquerque was fucking hilarious.  I LITERALLY laughed out loud when I came up with the last line.  And you complainers were nowhere to be found.***

Not to mention, my Technorati “authority number” has dropped from 73 to 7  in the past few months.  Wait — what did she say?  SEVENTY THREE TO SEVEN?  NO!  Really?  Yes.  Really, motherfuckers. 

Never mind that I have absolutely no idea what that number means – I know enough to know a drop like that ain’t good.  My little bloggy mountaineer yodeling guy has totally flown off the cliff and now he’s smushy and dead.

Now, listen.  I could write a big thing here about how real life sometimes gets in the way of blogging, how I’ve changed so the blog has changed, how some big bloggers can be assholes, how blogging itself seems to be changing with the additions of Twitter and Facebook and whatnot, etc.  But why bother, when other people much smarter than me have said all of that SO much better than I ever could? 

Besides, we all know that my real point here is FUCK OFF. 

Also — and this is important, so pay attention: Some crazy force took over my body today and made me look up Demi Moore’s birthday and it turns out that SHE IS TOTALLY A SCORPIO.  JUST LIKE IN MY DREAM.  I am now a believer. 





*Don’t you know that horoscopes are BULLSHIT, Demi?  COME ON.  Join us here in the real world, m’kay?

**New word! New word!  Tell your friends!

***Note correct usage of the word “literally.” Learn it. Live it. Love it.  I can say I “literally laughed out loud” because I actually DID.  Laugh.  Out loud.  YOU, on the other hand, did NOT “literally freeze to death.”  If you had, you would not be alive to tell me about how you froze to death.  You would be dead.  And frozen. And you also were NOT “literally flying down the road” – unless you were in a hovercraft.  Were you in a hovercraft?  No?  Then shut up.  STOP THE MADNESS, PEOPLE.

****Now leave a comment or I’m sending Ashton and his stupid Bagger Vance suit after your sorry ass.

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18 Responses to “I Would Have Written a Post about Dog Zombies but Demi Moore Erased It from My Head”

  1. Maybe, just maybe, this “Technorati” bullshit means a low number is good, like golf scores, or number one means the best.


    i guess i’ll just have to trust Capricorn…er, Aquarius. You see, i’m on the cusp, which i thought was a disease of the digestive tract.

    You are still the best, and i dig your posts, no matter how long between.

    Such is life, at least in the astrological sense.

  2. so tonight when your having some weird dream about Johnny Depp literally eating Gilbert Grape…I hope that zombie dog thought comes back into your head – and you squeeze grape juice out of Gilbert and write it the hell down.

    I thought this was some kind of goodbye shit – there’s a lot of that going around lately. phew!

  3. hey…thanks for linking to me!!
    you have the best flipping blog.

  4. I wasn’t going to leave a comment, and then shit! I read the last line.

    I dreamt about Brad and Angelina as Mr. and Mrs. Smith. No, I don’t know why, and I couldn’t find a single real thing about it. At least Demi has her horoscopes.

  5. That’s what I love about you Beej – consistency. Your real point never ever changes.


  6. You’ve finally convinced me to stop being a damn creep and finally make my presence known, because of your whining. Are you happy you got a pity comment? Because that’s what this is! A comment given to you, out of fucking pity! Not really though, I’m just a lazy douche. But i mean, now I’m here. FYI, you always make me literally laugh out loud.

  7. After reading this post, I’m literally beside myself.

    People actually email you and ask why you aren’t posting if you don’t post in a week? That makes me literally want to say “fuck you, Beej!” because no one emails and asks why I’m not posting. Just for that, I think I’ll stop posting for two weeks. Literally.

  8. i’m totally lost. was hoping for a good dog-zombie post, which i am totally naming my band, by the way. pseudo-politco celebrities make me want to go on a stun-gun rampage at the academy awards. next time, let ashton kick demi’s ass. then shoot ashton in the face. do us all a favor. what the fuck is technorati? nevermind, i gotta get back to my facebook page, i just had another thought i must share with people i haven’t seen in the last decade.

  9. I sweartagad for the first few minutes I was reading this post all I could think was I need to contact Demi to see if she needs to post on Violence UnSilenced.

    I think I need a break. Heh.

    Wish I had advice for you my darling girl but all I can say is you and me both, kid. You and me both.

    Keep being you. That’s the best I got.


  10. OK, ok! The last thing I want is Ashton Coochie chasing me…my wife might notice him and decide he has more money and better looks. Not that I am NOT a catch, I TOTALLY am. I mean, look at my picture! I wear surplus Army Headgear for Christ’s sake! If that doesn’t literally shout “COOL,” I don’t know what does..err, was THAT the correct usage? I wish Demi would not have chased the Zombie Dogs out of your head. I would have enjoyed that post.

  11. So, your post literally made me laugh out loud. I love dreams with celebrities in them. I once had a dream that I had to help Duff from Ace of Cakes pick out his cemetery plot. Strange.

  12. I’m literally leaving a comment….And horoscopes ARE bullshit. Also, my first thought with that picture was that Ashton was starting in a production of ‘Oliver’.

  13. You know what’s so weird here? Of course you don’t. So, I’ll tell you. I’ve been dreaming about zombies lately. In all kinds of weird contexts. Like Bill cheats on me – WITH A ZOMBIE. Which eww. How fucking nasty is that? Like he would ever do it with a zombie anyway – she’d eat his brain first. But this does not stop me from kidney-punching him for dream-cheating. Since he’s a candyass, he’s all, “OMG! I’m peeing blood now!” which makes me punch him in the liver which makes him forget about the kidney thing.

    I blame it all on World War Z. WHICH IS THE MOST KICKASS ZOMBIE NOVEL EVER. You should read it. And the Zombie Survival Guide which is more weird and less hilarious, but hellluuu? Designed to protect your ass from zombies so it’s like an investment in your preparedness.

  14. OK – I can’t tell you how bummed out I am that you didn’t write about dog zombies which I personally have quite a bit of experience with. And I totally know that the Demi Moore thing had to be a dream because I know for a fact that SHE beats HIM and not the other way around. And thank you, thank you for caring about the literal meaning of ‘literally’.
    Now could you tell folks that ‘celebate’ does NOT mean ‘chaste’; it means ‘unmarried’? Thank you in advance.

  15. You should have like one hundred comments on each post because you are so batshit hilarious.


    One hundred.

    Not literally batshit.

    Well, maybe literally batshit crazy.

    Now I feel like I’m channeling you in your own comments. Get out of my head Beej. No you are not literally in my head.


  16. you are nuts,,,,you know that dog zombies and demi moore do not go toeether…if i ever dreampt of demi moore it would be a lot more sensual that her getting beat up…oh bu the wqy i am over from justmylife….i am in love with her you know

  17. i have concluded after reading your profile and lots of your blogs that you are a PUTZ maybe as much as i am and i have been called putzy most of my life and you are also a ignoble enigma which is a common everyday mystery which is just another way of calling you a putz,,,, so live with it

  18. Oh my gosh. Thank you SO MUCH for being smart and for knowing the correct usage of “literally”! Gah! I was listening to NPR the other day, and the reporter said something about people “literally” being torn in two over some, I don’t know, unemployment problem or something. Part of me laughed because that? Was a really funny visual. But a bigger part of me was cringing, going “NPR? Seriously? NPR??!!??”

    I’m in the process of catching up on your archives. I was going to wait until I was done and email you then, but yeesh! I do NOT want Ashton Kutcher after me! Bleagh!

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