9/11 sucks. It sucks no matter what, but it especially sucks when it’s rainy and the memorial the city planned shuts down two lanes of traffic downtown at rush hour and you’re trying to get to work and you’ve completely forgotten that it’s 9/11 so you see two lanes shut down and you’re all honky and pissed off because WHAT THE FUCK?? And then you get to the scene of the commotion and see bagpipes and you’re all “THOSE GODDAMNED IRISH!!” (even though normally you don’t have anything against the Irish) but then you see the American flag hanging from the fire truck and it suddenly hits you that it’s 9/11 and you feel like the BIGGEST DICK IN THE HISTORY OF DICKS.
So now you’re depressed AND guilty AND still late to work, and even MORE gloomy because it’s rainy and gross and you really just want to be in bed watching old Cary Grant movies but instead you’re trapped at work like a rat in a cage, except a cage would actually be preferable to your window-less cubicle lodged between the Dude with Haystack Eyebrows and the Creepy Dude, who wants to tell you ALL about the technical problems he’s been having with Microsoft Word, AGAIN, in excruciating detail, AGAIN, with lots of “Allrighty then”s thrown in for good measure.
So you think to yourself “I need a distraction, LIKE NOW, before I kill myself or the Holiday Sweater Lady” and you know that in times this bad, only one thing can save you – and that is to totally fuck with somebody you love.
So that’s exactly what I did.
Using my amazingly bad ass phone and the password he was stupid enough to tell me months ago, I hacked into the Big Bean’s Facebook account and proceeded to sign him up for shit like the Jonas Brothers fan club and Gay Square Dancing, and left completely inappropriate comments on his friend’s Facebook pages. No work was done. I spent all of 9/11 fucking with my husband’s Facebook account.
And It. Was. AWESOME.
So here’s what the Big Bean did today on Facebook. Without any idea he was doing it. (Until the calls started coming in, that is. And believe me, they did.)
1. Joined fan clubs for the Jonas Brothers, Air Supply, and Goats. Also, joined the Gay Square Dancing group and left a comment on the Miley Cyrus page that said “Love you so much, Miley! Keep grooooovin’, girrrll!!”
2. Updated status. Obviously.
3. Left a comment on another friend’s status — “I’M GAY.”
4. Left another comment on SAME friend’s status — “Like, REALLY GAY.”
5. Left a comment on my BFF’s wall:
6. Left a comment on BIG MANLY-MAN FRIEND #1′S wall:
7. Left comment on BIG MANLY-MAN FRIEND #2′s wall:
8. Joined High School Musical 3 fan club and The Klingon Empire. Left comments for both:
9. Left a comment on Dane Cook’s status: “Dane you are SO COOL! I wish we could meet for realsies and be BFFs FOREVAAAAAHH!”
I could go on, but really, I think you get it. The Big Bean sure got it, especially once he started getting those WHAT THE FUCK? phone calls from his big manly-man friends. To his credit, he thought the whole thing was hilarious (which is WHY we’re still married after all this time) — at least, he did until he received an email from another member of the Gay Square Dancing group wanting to “set something up.”
At that point, he and I both thought it wise to pull the plug on Operation: Facebook Hack.
Mission: Complete.
Stumble it!
Tags: not that there's anything wrong with that, there's a lot of gay stuff on facebook
September 11th, 2009 at 9:44 pm
I cannot even begin to tell you how many kinds of awesome this is.
Maxim is very, verrrry careful with his passwords for this exact reason.
September 11th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
OMG! That was hilarious!!!! When I reached the end of the first facebook stuff I thought that was the end so I got distracted by something else. And then I came back and realized there was MORE awesomeness!!! I can’t believe his friends didn’t realize it was you. Bwahahahhahaha
September 11th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
This morning before I left for work I posted on facebook “…..I can’t believe it’s been eight years…” I had a friend that responded HAPPY ANNIVERSARY YOU TWO! I decided not to point out that I was being poetic…But she totally ruined it for me. I’ve only been married 7 years. Bitch.
September 11th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Can’t. Stop. Laughing.
I just read this to the Hubster and I think he is now afraid — very, very afraid — that I will wreak the same havoc on his Facebook. (In fact, I think I hear the clicking of typewriter keys now as he changes his password.)
September 12th, 2009 at 1:41 am
i think “man stew” was my favorite phrase in this entry.
September 12th, 2009 at 7:44 am
That is so freaking hilarious! You’re killing me!!
September 12th, 2009 at 9:12 am
So, I guess THIS is why Whitey’s been all, “You want my FB password? Why?” Which…good call, I guess. Although I wouldn’t have been NEARLY this awesome about hacking with his FB page. I would have gone around to old chicks he had crushes on and been like, “I’m glad we didn’t work out because HOLY SHIT! My wife is SO MUCH BETTER than you are! So, thanks for paying me no mind back in high school. I’d have missed out on someone REALLY AWESOME and gotten YOU…sadtimes for everyone.”
Because I’m a mean, spiteful bitch that way.
September 12th, 2009 at 10:19 am
Is that some kind of a surprise? I always assumed he was gay.
September 12th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
I totally wish I would always be a good sport like Big Bean and I never am. You are so lucky to have him instead of me. “Instead of you having me”, I mean, not “Instead of me having him” Although that, too.
September 12th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
FREAKIN.HYSTERICAL.
i seriously cannot stop laughing over the GENIUS of this!
My husband is boring and doesn’t really FB, i mean he has one but only b/c I created it and he has like 4 friends…like I said BOOORING!
But my little brother on the other hand has a million bajillion friends and I’ve hacked his page before but NEVER taken it to this GENIUS extent before!
Totally taking notes right now…”man stew” ROTFL!!
September 12th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
You are the queen of awesome Facebook hacks. Do you have a crown? Because I’m pretty fucking sure you should have a crown, and also a sceptre and one of those diamond-crusted orb things, although I’m not sure what the orb actually does. Maybe it can just be a heavy thing you throw at disobediant minions? But, anyway: you = teh roxor.
September 12th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
You are HILARIOUS!!
The Klingon & HSM3 comments were too funny!
September 12th, 2009 at 10:51 pm
You frickin’ slay me!
Way to turn the Big Bean into a little weenie!
September 13th, 2009 at 9:14 am
You are hilarious, and you also have some uber large cajones.
Hey, add him to that group too “uber large cajones”
September 13th, 2009 at 9:18 am
I would be so dead. SO.DEAD.
No courts would convict him. Although, I’d still be shitting myself laughing from the grave.
September 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
The hubby is reading this over my shoulder whilst tapping madly away at his Blackberry. I can only assume he’s changing his Facebook password.
September 13th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
This is the greatest thing ever- plus I agree with the crown idea- anyone this creative should have a crown.
September 13th, 2009 at 6:01 pm
I am thrilled that you can be a fan of ‘goats’ on facebook.
September 14th, 2009 at 7:53 am
Your man is pretty incredible. i can hear him laughing now. Self-deprecation is a rare positive trait. Cool and heady stuff, you and he.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:07 am
The fact that he appears to wearing a sweatband in his profile picture only adds credence to the gay argument. Though, for your sake, I am desperately hoping that is actually a visor that only appears like a sweatband in miniature.
Also, I should mention that the Alias Father uses one password for everything: e-mail, online accounts, whatever. The same password.
Once I tried to log into his Facebook account. That password, the password he uses for everything under the sun, didn’t work. He must fear this very thing.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:14 am
OMG! Air Supply has a Facebook page?
September 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
man stew. it makes me chuckle. where do you get this shit? i’m going to have to use that one.
September 14th, 2009 at 2:23 pm
First of all, thank you for putting this on your page: “I am a total comment whore.” I am never sure whether bloggers want to hear from a total stranger who just sort of discovered their posts when mindlessly scrolling down through the Bloggess’ posts because the said stranger can’t get enough of that awesomeness and all of those who commented on The B’s posts are also awesome so the aofrementioned stranger kept on randomly clicking on the links left on there…
Whew.
Thanks.
Your husb and Victor need to have a support group. Just sayin’. LOL. Thank you for the laugh. I cried non-stop on 9.11. I wish I had discovered your blog sooner. Yours is definitely the better and wiser approach. Now I know I will never be able to complete my work assignment again. I need to go and read your other posts. DAMN!
September 14th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
OMFG. I’m going to set up my husband a FB account just so I can fuck around during the day. Thanks for the idea, Beej!
September 14th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
It’s good to see a 9/11 post that could be turned into a laughing fit that makes us all remember that though there’s tragedy, there is always a reason to laugh and have fun, *especially* at our husbands expense. I read this aloud to my husband and he sort of gave me the look of “don’t you even dare.” and “… maybe I should change my password.” Of course, I can’t do it now or any time soon because then he’d be expecting me to do something outrageous to his facebook, and I like to take him by surprise when I use him as a butt of one of my jokes. Very inspirational and side splitting post.
September 14th, 2009 at 9:07 pm
Love this. Made me smile and laugh. And LOVE that you left me that comment about how people find your blog. LONG LIVE ZOO PORN!!!
Hallie
September 14th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
THIS. Made me literally laugh out loud for reals!!!!!!! OMG it’s the funniest thing EVER. (My husband would NOT BE HAPPY.)
September 15th, 2009 at 10:52 am
I don’t think you should be so pussy as to refuse the offer from the Gay Square Dancing chap. Any facebook hacking should really be seen out to its full and logical end. Go for it, BB!
September 16th, 2009 at 1:10 am
For once I kinda wish I did Facebook.
BUT WAIT! MPS has Facebook! OMG, must fly…
September 16th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
i guess i missed this post in my list the other day. the soak in a tub of delicious man stew. oh. my. god. hilarious.
when i told The Guy about it he was like, “his CURRENT wife did this? really sounds like an ex-wife thing to do…”