So last night I had these weird dreams and they were kind of all over the place but one thing I do remember really well is me punching Jay Leno in the face because (a) his new show sucks EXACTLY the same amount of ass as his old show, it’s just on earlier so it’s harder to avoid and (b) that was totally fucked up for him to ask Kanye West about his mom and make him cry because I wanted to see Douche Bag Kanye, NOT Sad Tortured Kanye, and basically with that one question Jay RUINED my whole Well-at-least-I’m-morally-superior-to-SOMEONE vibe. When Kanye jumped up on that stage and yanked that microphone from the hands of that poor little crazy-rich country girl (known to me only as “Eat a Sandwich”), he more or less handed me several days’ worth of feeling like I’m NOT the biggest asshole on the planet, and I had every intention of channeling that feeling into some kind of big confidence boost while I pimped myself out for a new job (So Beej tell me, what would you say are your biggest strengths? Well, I’m definitely NOT the biggest asshole on the planet, Mark), but then he had to go on Jay Leno’s shitty new show and be all regretful and apologetic and everything, and THEN fucking JAY had to go and ambush him with that question about his mom, and Kanye just sat there all sad and grief-stricken and DAMMIT I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL SORRY FOR THIS GUY. I’ve always enjoyed hating Kanye, and the stage-jumping-mic-stealing thing was this awesome excuse to hate him even MORE, but then stupid ass, not funny Jay Leno had to go and make me feel GUILTY for hating KANYE WEST. Dammit.
And now I’m NEVER going to get another job. Dammit.
Jay Leno is such a dick.
So in my dream I punched him and stole one of his eleventy-billion cars. What? It’s not like he’d ever miss it.
Also, at some point in this dream I realized that Michael Jordan has been sneaking into my house and stealing my forks.
Have I mentioned that we’ve lost all our forks? Because we have. I don’t know how or why but we have about half as many forks as spoons and, inexplicably, a TON of butter knives. I could swear we started out with the same number of them all but maybe we didn’t; I never really paid that much attention to how many forks we had until we didn’t have any. But now we constantly have to grab dirty forks out of the dishwasher and — gasp!! — HAND WASH them so we can pretend to be civilized instead of eating with our fingers or stabbing at our food with one of our hundreds of butter knives.
Every night one of us washes the forks for dinner and we just look at each other with question marks like “What the fuck, dude?” but neither one of us has any answers, because it’s not as if we’re finding them in weird places, like under the fridge or between the couch cushions or in the backyard or something. They’re just… gone. Disappeared. Vanished. Vaporized. No mas forkas.
So fucking weird.
The truth is, it took us a while to notice the fork depletion because we’ve never been too matchy-matchy in the eating tool department (see photo above as Exhibit A) — our utensil drawer’s always been a kind of mish-mash of stuff we either started out with or was given to us or we grabbed from the mouths of homeless people or whatever. And now that I’m typing this I’m realizing that probably all of YOU have beautifully shiny matching sets of forks-knives-spoons-etc. and by divulging our “shabby chic” (WE don’t live in squalor – WE’RE “shabby chic”!) approach to silverware, I’m probably also revealing some really devastating deficiency in my psychological makeup or something. You know, like those tests you had to take senior year to determine what kind of career you were most suited to, and they told you there were no wrong answers but later you found out that if the results said you should be a florist that really meant you were TOTALLY FUCKED IN THE HEAD and should probably be in an institution or something. But you didn’t know that until you compared results with your friends and they were all “FLORIST?!? HA HA YOU FUCKING NUT JOB!!” and you were embarrassed and sad and felt like blowing them all away with some kind of automatic weapon but you didn’t because (1) you didn’t actually HAVE an automatic weapon and (2) that would just prove them right. And obviously practicing that kind of self-restraint meant you were NOT a nut job after all and you thought to yourself “See? I’m not crazy! But look how pretty the daffodils” and then you spent all afternoon looking at the pretty daffodils.
Anyway in my dream Michael Jordan was responsible for the Great Fork Shortage of 2009. After I punched Jay Leno I drove home really fast in my new car and caught Jordan red-handed, all hunched over in our tiny kitchen with a fistful of forks. At first he looked embarrassed and started to apologize, but his apology quickly turned into this long speech where he told me what a bitch I was because I never really believed in him, and really I deserved to have my forks taken away because I couldn’t recognize greatness when it was standing right there in front of me.
And now that I’m typing THIS, I’m realizing that between Kanye West, Michael Jordan and that idiot Joe Wilson (who was also in my dream but just on the peripheral, giving blow jobs in the corner to a line of Republicans waiting to be serviced, so he never actually said anything other than “mmrrrmmph”), it’s kind of like someone opened up a big can of Douche Baggery on the entire world recently, and not just in my dreams. What the hell’s going on here?
It’s like that book Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, where it rains food for breakfast, lunch and dinner and everybody walks around with their forks in their pockets to catch the stuff as it falls from the sky, but in our case it’s not raining food, it’s raining ASSHOLISHNESS and all the men are catching it right in their mouths.
No forks required.
Stumble it!
Tags: i want one of jay leno's cars, kanye west is still a douche bag, meatballs are way better than assholishness
September 17th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Seriously, why are there always more butter knives than anything else in the drawer?
Crying or not, Kanye is still a jackhole.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
The forks go to the same place the socks do.
They’re probably cross-mating into some weird fork/sock-you-can-eat-with-it-or-wear-it thing. Ideal for survivalists but not really anyone else.
And yeah, we have lots of butter knives too, just like mommabird. They’re pretty useless, except for, well butter. You can’t stab anyone with them.
Just sayin…
September 17th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Oh and thank you!
September 17th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I’m missing forks too. But just the dessert forks. (Maybe they’re deserters. Hmmmm.)
September 17th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
you, my friend, must stop eating pizza before bed.
* jay leno sucks balls. this is not news. thank you for punching him. he is actually a car collector, so stealing his car was like a punch in the nuts. even better.
* i think butter knives reproduce while injesting forks in the drawers at night. either that, or the roaches steal them. easier to carry with the little tines.
in a related note: we’re so all over the cloudy w/ meatballs in 3D ..but waiting til it’s cheap on sat AM.. cuz that’s how we roll..yes, i’ll be packing a purse full of popcorn. and crunch bars.
September 17th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Not to sound all coattail-y, but we are having the exact same problem with our coffee cups.
When you catch up with Mr. Jordan, could you keep an eye out for a “shabby chic” collection of coffee mugs, too? (Hay-ell, no, we don’t have matchy matchy stuff chez Goats. Are you kidding me?)
September 17th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I take care of the utensil problem by just drinking my dinner. So, that way I usually too full to eat anything. I just dawned on me that I’m saving a lot of water that way too – since I’m not washing the dishes. SO, I’m totally GREEN and saving the Earth by being a lush. But I also buy a lot of plastic forks…So, they cancel each other out.
September 17th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Must be a fork ferry somewhere…takes the forks and leaves the knives. Stupid Forker.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:53 am
It was all caused by the drive-in movie announcer in Woodbury, Tennessee in 1967. i had a date with a lady from Woodbury and we went to the drive-in.
i don’t remember the movie, but it didn’t have anything to do with pasta falling out of the sky.
At the intermission, they had a drawing for a used outboard motor or something, but the drawing just got you into the refreshment stand where you selected a card from many on a big board. One of the cards had the big prize listed. The others were consolation, sort of, if there is need for a consolation for not winning a used outboard motor.
A lady won the first chance to pick a card on the big board. She won a bag of Juicy Fruits. The announcer said, “You are so lucky if you were caught out when it was raining soup, you would have a fork for an umbrella.”
I suspect the announcer was Jay Leno’s father.
And that is where all the forks go.
September 18th, 2009 at 3:07 am
I think that Jay Leno is personally going to ride over to your house on a giant motorcycle with a trailer of adorable little precocious children in tow just to win your heart back and make you hate Kanye again. He could do it, you know. And he might bring Oprah with him to seal the deal.
And, btw, in our house…. we constantly are losing spoons. I suspect the youngest is throwing them away but I’ve never actually caught him doing it. But I know in my heart of hearts that he is responsible for it.
September 18th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Truth be known..I sneak in to your house at night and steal your forks. So I can poke Kanye West in the fucking larynx with them.
He’s is the king of Douchebaggery (my new favorite word) and why didn’t Jay have Taylor Swift on the show instead of giving crede to this yutz?
September 19th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
As I said in my text message to you last week…you are really twisted (I’m so proud of you!)
September 19th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
First: did you yoink that florists = crazy thing from season 3 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, or is this genuinely some sort of American urban mythology that ‘florist’ on standardised test is really code for ‘borderline psychosis, keep away from sharp things’? Because I’m genuinely curious!
Secondly: there is totally such a thing as a Fork Gnome. Much like the Underpants Gnomes of South Park fame (Step 3: profit!), they steal forks for reasons known only to themselves. Back when I worked in hospitality, we were always short of forks. Every house, no matter how posh and polished their cutlery, is missing forks. It’s a thing.
Thirdly: fucking gnomes.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
I can assure you that it is okay to despise Kanye regardless of any question Jay asks him. Kanye has a big mouth that needs shutting. His mother needs to haunt him till he gets the message that acting like a moron just isn’t acceptable…no matter how much money you make.
September 20th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Okay. I have many many views to share. Okay three.
A) I am geeking out over the memory of that book “Cloudy with a chance of meatballs”
B) I got your Jesus joke, but couldn’t reply to you because of your damned no reply status.
C) I think Jesus might have a little something to do with your forks. All those fish and loaves, and nary a fork.
September 21st, 2009 at 10:54 am
ok, first comment for u. Ur blog makes me lmao….while at work. 0_o Which is good and bad. Good because I hate my flippen job and need something to do while I’m sitting here trying not to work at work and bad, because eventually they (the bosses) are gonna catch on and I’ll prolly be fired. pfft. Fuck it, its all good, I wanted a new job anyway.
My forks like me, its my spoons that fucking pack their bags and leave in the middle of the night.
September 23rd, 2009 at 4:56 am
We have the same thing with spoons. They freaking disappear. Weirdest thing.
September 23rd, 2009 at 11:56 pm
LOl…all my teaspoons have vacated my house.
I think my Tiny Terrorist is throwing them in the bin.
October 9th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Hello There
I have been watching this site very closely and all i have to say is wowwww keep it up guys !
This place Rocks !
Regards,
Dario
July 9th, 2010 at 2:35 pm
It means your gonna be getting money!!!