I Have Consumption But I Still Care Enough to Warn You About Bears and Whatever-the-Plural-Form-is-of-Bigfoot

So today is my first day back at work after being out for two days because I was overcome with a death-like kind of illness that I can only assume was consumption.  It mostly consisted of me throwing up a lot and feeling like I was going to throw up when I wasn’t actually throwing up.  Also, my entire body was achy, which felt a lot like I’d been eaten by a bear but the bear didn’t like me so he threw me up but then a Bigfoot came along and ate me again, along with the bear.  And then I smirked at the bear who originally ate me and said “See, that’s what you GET for eating me” but he just stared back at me with a blank look because he could only speak bear.  And then I realized I was trapped in a Bigfoot’s belly with a bear that didn’t speak my language so I got a little less smirky because, BORING.

Also, there was some fever. 

Some other people suggested I might have Swine Flu but as a rule I don’t catch anything called Swine Flu because it sounds gross.  It’s the same reason why I’ll never get shingles or a bunion.  My doctor told me once that I had a bunion but I refused to believe that because it sounded very unattractive and yucky and I AM NOT THOSE THINGS.  So now I just walk with a limp.

Side note:  I’m pretty sure all this Swine Flu hysteria comes from the name, anyway.  You didn’t see everyone getting this worked up over Avian Flu, did you?  Hell, no.  Because birds are pretty and they don’t sleep in their own shit.  I had this brilliant idea that we should rename the Swine Flu “The Majestic Flu” and hand out tiaras to anyone who catches it, so instead of being SCARED of catching the Swine Flu everyone would be all, “Gee, I sure hope I catch THAT!”  Kind of like how when you were a kid and all your friends got braces so YOU really wanted braces and you begged and begged and then you finally DID get braces and you were all “HOLY SHIT! THIS SUCKS!” but then it was too late to do anything about it besides pick the food out of your teeth and bitch to your mom about the headgear. 

I even posted my “Majestic Flu” idea on Facebook so the world could get to work on that, but nobody was listening to me that day.  So I didn’t get a fucking tiara and that’s why I’m calling this consumption.

So anyway today is my first day back and even though I said I would work from home while I was out, of course I didn’t, because FUCK THAT.  I really did have good intentions but there was awesome TV to watch and every time I turned on my computer to work, the Internet called to me “BEEJ!  Come over here!  There is SO MUCH COOL SHIT to look at!  Like this!  And this! And this!” and the next thing I knew it was seven hours later and I hadn’t gotten any work done but I DID know how to Facercize and I ask you, which is more important in the grand scheme of things?  Jobs may come and go, but Facercize will stay with you forever.

But the thing is, now I’m back at work and I have a list a mile long of shit to do and a deadline that passed yesterday that I’m not even close to meeting, and am I working on it?  Hell no.  Instead I’m writing this blog post about consumption and bears that eat people and throw them up and whatever-the-plural-form-is-of-Bigfoot and bunions.  But I think it’s an important post to write because you all desperately need to know the benefits of Facercize and I consider the warning about bears who like to eat people and then throw them up, and whatever-the-plural-form-is-of-Bigfoot who like to eat people and bears who throw up people, an important public service announcement.  And if I have to sacrifice my livelihood to bring you, my loyal readers, that information… well, so be it.

And that is why you guys love me and will keep coming back to read this blog.  Because I care.

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Tags: instead of the Swine Flu I call it Consumption, the bear that ate me but threw me up, where is my fucking tiara?