Holy SHIT it’s been a long time since I posted anything here. What the hell is wrong with me? I mean, besides the consumption, and the fact that after I recovered from consumption the Bean got sick, and then the BIG Bean got sick, and when the Big Bean is sick it’s not like when I’m sick, because I just want to be left alone to wallow and die in peace but the Big Bean isn’t like that, OH NO, he wants to be ATTENDED TO. And by “attended to,” I mean showered with attention and plied with homemade chicken noodle soup by someone in a naughty nurse outfit as he sips milk that’s been warmed just so between sponge baths and foot massages and blow jobs. But I’m sorry, I never did any of that, because I had a Bean who was suddenly NOT sick and definitely NOT understanding what the hell Daddy was doing in bed and not playing Somersault-Flip-Over-Daddy’s-Legs with him because clearly Somersault-Flip-Over-Daddy’s-Legs is THE BEST GAME EVER and who wouldn’t want to play that?
Also, I had a problem with my kitchen sink and countertops, as in, I DIDN’T HAVE ANY, because some hothead (who shall remain *coughBIGBEANcough* nameless) decided to yank out my entire kitchen BEFORE actually having the new parts prepared to install, then realizing that yeah, that job is just a *little* complicated, and might take a few days, oh, and hey, suddenly I’m not feeling so great, I think I’ll just retire to bed and yell at the wife to bring me things and then, when she doesn’t hear me because she’s busy Bean-wrestling and washing dishes in the bathroom sink, I’ll send her emails demanding that she bring me more stuff for sick people and also search the house for the TV remote that I DROPPED ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NEXT TO ME and bitch because she’s not paying enough attention to me or giving me blow jobs. But not really BITCH so much as make her feel really bad by saying things like “No (cough), really (sniffle), it’s okay that you don’t take care of me when I’m sick (cough, sniffle), I guess I just want something from you that you don’t have” which we both really know means a SOUL.
Yeah, so the Big Bean didn’t get any blow jobs this week. But I DID find the remote so, there’s that. Also, my naughty nurse outfit was at the cleaners, and who wants a blow job without the naughty nurse outfit? What would be the point?
So anyway now here I am to finally post something and all I’ve got is Bitch Bitch Gripe Gripe because I’m still not over the whole “I have no soul” thing and also, I think he told his MOM that I’m not nurturing enough and that just makes me want to STAB him, which pretty much proves his point, I suppose.
Sigh.
I should probably clarify here that (1) I DO love him even though he’s a hothead and a TERRIBLE sick person and talks smack about me to his mom, and also (B) he never actually SAID I didn’t have a soul, he just implied it (unless he said it to his mom, which I seriously hope he’s not that stupid) and (iii) My kid is AWESOME, and I know that last one is a little off topic but look at this video and you’ll understand why it had to be said.
I could probably go on here about how my husband sucks when he’s sick — actually, there’s no “probably” about it, I could TOTALLY go on for a very, very long time about that and we all know it — but anyone responsible for helping me bring the above awesomeness into the world can’t really be all THAT bad. So I’ll just say I’m glad you’re feeling better, honey, and leave it at that.
Stumble it!
Tags: foot massages and blow jobs, men make terrible sick people, talk smack about me to your mom again and I will stab you
October 12th, 2009 at 11:31 am
I’m a horrible sick person too. In fact, my mother will always call and check on my bf when I am sick to see how’s he’s holding up to my illness. I think it’s out of fear that he will run away screaming and then she might have to nurse me. I do agree with your no BJs for the sick – who wants to say, “Sorry, can’t come in to work today – caught the flu from my hubby’s junk.”? Just doesn’t sound good.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
You are a genius in your Blojob hot nurse, mommyblogger video juxtaposition.
Adorable.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
As I watched the adorable little baby bean singing, I was thinking….the big bean cant be THAT bad. Lo and behold, you confirmed this.
And sick **junk** taste funny. Not that I’d know.
<..>
Just take my word for it.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
One day I will meet you in person and you will either go on and on without punctuation while I laugh until I choke, or you will hardly say two words. It’s either one or the other and I know where I’m placing my bets. Thanks for the donkey laughs, Beej.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Sometimes, during cold and flu season, I entertain the idea of a seasonal divorce. I really, really think something like that could take off. Sure, in this tough economy, it would be hard to maintain two households, but the pros are no sharing of germs and no having to put up with the spouse’s bad sick behavior. It could start with a trial separation when that first questionable bout of the sniffles starts up. “Oh, I think it’s just allergies. I think I just have adult-onset allergies. No big whoop!” Oh, guess again, Sniffy! Time to find another couch to sleep on!
Trust me. This could work. I know because I’m a bad, bad sick person. I’m actually surprised my husband hasn’t thought of this genius idea.
p.s. That kid is Grade A awesome!
October 12th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
I’m with fadkog — seasonal divorce, hhhhmmmmm. It could work!
Men are frickin’ whimps. Any guy who can’t handle a flu could never handle childbirth, menopause, periods….And they say women are the weaker sex.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
I feel for the poor guy. I usually have the same exact needs when I am sick, and no one ever gives me BJs when I am sick. It’s always, “nag nag nag, why can’t you shove you guts down your own throat? You vomited them up in the first place! AND NO I WILL NOT GIVE YOU A BJ!” Really, it’s tough to be a sick man.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:15 pm
@fadkog – This goes well with my theory that the solution to having a happy marriage is to buy a duplex. You each get your side and your issues – I leave my socks on the floor – he uses the same towel for weeks – I am a normal sane individual – he is a germophobic, OCD Asperger-in-denial (just for example
). As someone who acts like the world is ending if her temp gets over 98.7 degrees, I can’t stand waiting on a sick person. I can try to be nice and concerned for about 20 minutes, after that your on your own.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
We are the opposite. He is a Tower of I’m Not That Sick Don’t Pay Any Attention To Me. And I’m all whaaaaa. I want my mommy.
The Bean is TOO cute.
October 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
you makin me feel guilty. i haven’t written shit in weeks. but like willy says, you were always on my mind. and by you, i mean my beloved little neglected blog. but enough about me…
i like the seasonal divorce idea, although in my case, i’ll take a seasonal marriage, preferably around the holidays and my birthday. and when i’ve got pig flu.
glad The Guy doesn’t read this: i have a “no blow job while you’re sick” policy, which i’ve put out there like it’s standard chick-order. wouldn’t want it to get out that someone is crossing the picket line.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Our household also breaks the stereotypes: My husband is very stoic. I never know he’s sick unless I catch him in the act of being sick. He’ll just carry on endlessly until he collapses. I, on the other hand, am the big baby. I don’t get naughty nurse, chicken soup, blowjob service, though.
October 13th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
There is no other flu on earth quite like the Man Flu.
When it hits our house I always pray to be overtaken by the Ebola virus because seriously? It’s preferable than putting up with the Man Flu.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:12 am
testing!!!
October 14th, 2009 at 9:24 am
What I do for you…
October 14th, 2009 at 9:31 am
What is it about sick husbands that makes you want to smother them with a pillow? I mean, not that I’d ever know or anything…I just heard somebody say it one time. Maybe it was me…I’m not sure..
October 14th, 2009 at 9:36 am
It’s funny when men get sick the whole world stops and has to revolve around them. When wives/moms get sick they still cook, clean, take kids to/from school, change diapers, help kids with homework, do all the other things that they do if they are not sick.
The human race would have died out if men had to give birth. wimps.
October 15th, 2009 at 9:07 am
I am also a completely non-sympathetic nurse. Not only do I sigh heavily when asked for soup and refuse to offer sexual favors, I also tend to say things like: well, maybe you wouldn’t get sick as often if you’d actually eat properly and not consume as much sugar because did you know that sugar reduces the effectiveness of your immune system?
No seriously. I’m a TREASURE.
November 6th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Thank goodness you didn’t give him a bell so he could call you. My mom did that for my dad once when he had his wisdom teeth out. It was not good. Not good at all.